No contact broken after 12 days 😢

[Betty3217]

Hi there,

 

I am new to this site and this thread. Just looking for some understanding and clarity, as I'm confused and really devastated.

 

My boyfriend (now offical ex as of 2 weeks)

Has cut contact with me. I'm struggling and finding it very painful.

 

Him and I met 2 years ago, at a personal growth seminar. He was handsome, his smile infectious, and his energy electric. We were both drawn to each other immediately. We made each other laugh, we spent a lot of time together, we enjoyed the same things and enjoyed being together. It was clear that we were connected and fast. He was very open with me. The last man I had been seeing was a commitment phobe. This guy wasn't like that, he was affectionate,loving, kind. Man could he make laugh.

 

It seemed like he was my soul mate. Or at least that's how I looked at things back then. I feel my view of love and relationships have turned more realistic since then.

 

Anyways, he seemed like a very consious man, and his willingness to grow and learn really inspired and attracted me.

 

We started having problems, you know regular couples fights, that I thought was normal. Those fights took on a whole entity within itself, and fast. What was one disagreement took over the relationship. He started shutting down on me. I thought the way to get him to be open with me was to push and push him to talk. The more I did that, the less he seemed interested in me. Despite our problems, we decided to pack up our stuff togetehr and move across the country and start a new life together.

 

At the time I felt like everything was going to work out because there was this love there, this big big love

 

We stayed in the relationship until Christmas last year, where things exploded. He hit his breaking point and he left me. I was devestaed. Not just by his leaving, but by how cruel he was. He refused to speak to me, which peaked my anxiety even more. I wanted to just talk to him, so I kept pushing and pushing.

 

We didn't speak for 3 weeks, until I wrote him a letter. He responded that he wanted to try things with me again.

 

I don't think we had enough time away from each other, or enough healing done. He has Alot of anger and resentment from what happened, and he kept going from wanting to connect with me, to disconnect.

 

I'm not sure if he even sees it or understands it. I see him get so frustrated with me when I ask him questions that he doesn't want to answer too.

 

When he said "try again", I don't think he meant he was all in. I think he meant to see if he could be safe with me. I couldnt understand that because I couldn't understand why he would shut me out and I would try to hammer my way back in. Hammer my way through the walls.

 

He ended things again 2 weeks ago and the pattern repeated, of us getting into a fight and him repeatedly trying to get me to leave him alone by saying hurtful things, and me lashing back.

 

This whole situation just breaks my heart. I feel I have no control at all, no control over myself and no control over the situation.

 

I moved home last weekend, and he is planning to move home next month.

 

I have since gone no contact with him until TODAY. I had a compete moment of weakness and broke down.

 

I didn't message him telling him I loved him or missed him, rather I apologized for how things were left and told him I was healing. I also said I was sending him light.

 

He has seen my message (I can tell because I sent it on whatsapp, where there are 2 blue ticks when some one has read ur message )

 

But he has not replied.

 

It breaks my heart and I feel even stupider now. I have been aiming for 45 days no contact. Looks like I have to start all over again.

[Locky]

It sounds like you really do need to stick to no contact so that you both can get a bit clearer and not argue next time you communicate. I think (from what you have said) that he wants to be with you so if you can stay strong and not reach out to him then he will wonder where you have gone and try and reconnect. I know it's hard but you really need to be strong and maybe read up on how to get your partner to communicate so that you are aware of what he will throw at you.

[Betty3217]

Thank you for that perspective Locky. I feel I have been way to avaliable for him.

 

No contact hurts me and I find it painful, as it is a way of detachment.

 

I am not sure what the future holds, but for right now I have to rebuild my life without him. It is a horrible feeling and I'm having a rough time. I go from strong to weak to strong to weak.

[Dominique]

I'm sorry you are hurting.

It sounds like you and what you really wanted and then he Think about what you really want and then focus on that. You don't want someone who pulls away and strings you along.

Hold on to that and hold on to your self esteem. You shouldn't have to beg someone to love you and to be in the relationship with you.

[JoeyD2000]

Have you read about this?

 

It certainly helped me

 

Trust me as hard as it is this is the quickest way to recovery

[Betty3217]

@dominique

Thank you. I know logically you should never have to beg someone to love u. It's a difficult thing tho to tell your heart that, when your getting 2 different messages. It can be very confusing. Also hard to let go, when you feel if you were more patient and worked in yourself, the dynamics between 2 people can change. But only when healing has been done. Our breakup was traumatic for both of us, and I feel neither of us had time to breathe in between.

 

@joeyD2000

Thank you!! I will read that tonight. I need to find ways to stay strong and stay on this path. More then anything I want to be stronger. I feel one minute I am ok, and I will be ok, and the next minute there is this huge hole in my heart.

[JoeyD2000]

You will go in waves Betty.

 

When ever I felt the need to contact I would read all of the breakup recovery guide.

 

Eventually you will find yourself not reading it as you won't have those feelings of contacting the ex. In time you will process those feelings & they will subside. Easy to say I know however have patience

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. Unfortunately it sounds like after the 'infectious' infatuation wore off he lost interest and all the incompatibilities came out. It also sounds like despite red flags you moved forward too fast and too much too soon.

 

You also seem much more over-invested and more over-attached than he was. It seems his real personality came out after the act you fell in love with. What kind of questions were you asking that he refused to address?

 

It would be best to go no contact and delete and block him. Stop "pushing" for contact . Can you move back home?

we decided to pack up our stuff togetehr and move across the country and start a new life together.He ended things again 2 weeks ago and the pattern repeated, of us getting into a fight and him repeatedly trying to get me to leave him alone by saying hurtful things, and me lashing back.

[Betty3217]

@wiseman2

 

I would ask him things like

"What are you thinking"

"How are you feeling"

Stuff about his past that he always kept so tight to the chest

I asked about why he was disconnecting and where he was at emotionally Alot.

 

He has this way of becoming very connected and intimate, but then he withdrawals.

 

Towards the end of the relatiosnhip he would avoid how he was feeling and I would demand to know. I felt alone and isolated (I had no friends wen we moved) and really leaned on our relationship to fill me.

 

When he came back in Jan, he seemed prepared that it was going to be hard work to get to the bottom of our issues.

It seemed to me he liked to do things on his own, "work on himself", and my anxiety spiked just not knowing where he was at or what he wanted.

 

Tbh, I felt he didn't let me in.

 

I know he loves me but I think it's true, we moved way to fast and moving away from home was not a good idea. Sometimes we seemed incompatible with the way we Handled (or didn't handle) problems.

 

I am home now, living with my sister

[Wiseman2]

Excellent you moved out and went home. In the future, try to respect boundaries and not pester and probe this much. It's not intimacy, it's invasive. Constant empty chatter is not communication.

 

Don't date introverts or quiet people if you need to ask these types of questions constantly. Learn effective communication skills. Ask specific question that have specific answers.

 

Allow people to be quiet and enjoy bonding through being together. Go to therapy to sort out over-attaching and over-investing.

 

Everyone hates being asked this stuff 3217;6802318]I would ask him things like "What are you thinking" "How are you feeling"

[Betty3217]

Yes I understand that now

 

In my state of great anxiety, I could not detach myself from him, the outcome, or my need to know.

I have been seeing a therapist for that since I got home.

 

I have a hard time with boundries. I felt the more he pull away the more frantic I became. That is not the kind of person I want to be, in any relationship, or with myself.

 

Since then, he has not talked to me at all. I am finding it very painful.

 

I went no contact for 12 days but for some reason panicked yesterday and sent him a message. He of course did not reply. I'm having a hard time believing this is over.

[Wiseman2]

Excellent. Don't beat yourself up over it. And don't message him. Delete and block. He wasn't who you thought he was and you were completely incompatible. It happens.

I have been seeing a therapist for that since I got home.

I felt the more he pull away the more frantic I became. That is not the kind of person I want to be, in any relationship, or with myself.