Maddyb12 Posted April 19, 2017 Share Posted April 19, 2017 Hello everyone. In the last few months a friend and I have been talking a lot, him and his girlfriend of two years broke up in January and we got close after this time, I had thought it was just friendly but had a thing for him throughout. Anyways last Friday we went out for his birthday and some feelings came out and we spent the weekend hanging out everyday and are seeing eachother again tonight. I've never seen someone who is pretty freshly out of a relationship, it was a toxic relationship but I know he was very hurt when it ended. I'm not trying to push a relationship and am okay with just taking things slow. Does anyone have any advice on the best way to go about things? Just be fun and keep things light and see what happens? We were friends for a long time and so it's very easy hanging out and talking etc. Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted April 19, 2017 Share Posted April 19, 2017 Good idea to take it slow and set the pace. Avoid too much time together or "situations". Be mindful of how often he mentions her. Link to comment
ConfusedGirl7 Posted April 20, 2017 Share Posted April 20, 2017 Hello everyone. In the last few months a friend and I have been talking a lot, him and his girlfriend of two years broke up in January and we got close after this time, I had thought it was just friendly but had a thing for him throughout. Anyways last Friday we went out for his birthday and some feelings came out and we spent the weekend hanging out everyday and are seeing eachother again tonight. I've never seen someone who is pretty freshly out of a relationship, it was a toxic relationship but I know he was very hurt when it ended. I'm not trying to push a relationship and am okay with just taking things slow. Does anyone have any advice on the best way to go about things? Just be fun and keep things light and see what happens? We were friends for a long time and so it's very easy hanging out and talking etc. I was like you. I was friends w my ex n everything was perfect n he told me how much the relationship was so bad n how he could never love her. He asked me to be his gf we were together 3 months n then I think he got confused his ex continued texting him n we broke up n then he came back n told me he missed me we were back talking for ten days n then he just stopped texting me. Come to find out he started talking back w his ex. I read all the articles about being a rebound. Google stuff a out rebounds n see if it Applys to you. I wish i would have. Red flags if he just gets out of a relation N if he brings her up a lot. Bad or good. My ex always would say how much better I was then his ex, how he never felt as good w her as me.... Blah blah.... Lie,lie.... GoodLuck!!!! Link to comment
Maddyb12 Posted April 20, 2017 Author Share Posted April 20, 2017 Currently I know his ex is texting him telling him that she messed up and begging for a chance. He has been open and honest about it but I do worry he will just go back to her. I'm trying to keep some distance and not develop too many feelings in case that were to happen. Link to comment
ShatteredMan Posted April 20, 2017 Share Posted April 20, 2017 I know how a situation like this seems like you scored a deal that no one but you knew about before Black Friday. There's a woman that I met not too long ago that has made it very apparent to me that she has "broken up for good" with an "on-again/off-again" fiance. She's in the process of moving out of his house and has asked for advice on where to live in town and suggested that we meet up soon. She would like to "meet to talk or take a walk or something" as well. As much as I would like to pursue a romantic relationship with her, I know that I would be setting myself up has Prime rebound material. Having gone through this once before, I will never do it again. The last thing that you want to do is to start emotionally investing in somebody who isn't really sure what they are looking for in life due to the emotional state that they are in. It sounds like you realize that you may be setting yourself up in the same way to be this guy's rebound. You should give him some time and space to figure out what direction he's going in. This is for your benefit as much as his. Link to comment
ConfusedGirl7 Posted April 20, 2017 Share Posted April 20, 2017 He was open w me too. He let me on his phone all the time to play games n stuff. Once she texted him when I was on his phone n he told me that it was his ex. I trusted him so much, that's why it hurt so bad that he went back w her. Your guy might not be the same but I've read a lot about ex's n many of them go back to their ex's even if they had a really bad relationship. It's stupid, people go back to bad relationships bc of all the time they invested. He may be a actually good guy just guard your heart. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted April 20, 2017 Share Posted April 20, 2017 Don't do it. You're setting yourself up. I would wait at least six months before considering anything romantic. If he were done, he would have blocked her. Link to comment
Maddyb12 Posted April 21, 2017 Author Share Posted April 21, 2017 He asked me to be exclusive-unsure what to do. Really enjoying time with him but don't want to be a rebound Link to comment
JaggerJim Posted April 21, 2017 Share Posted April 21, 2017 I say go for it. You already have a good mind-set on what to expect, but when opportunities arise like this and you like him, go for it! Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted April 21, 2017 Share Posted April 21, 2017 That's understandable. Yes exclusive is ok unless you want to keep your options open. Is he going to fast for you? Also keep a mental ex-o-meter. See how often he refers to or talks about her. If it's too much, you can always back out.He asked me to be exclusive-unsure what to do. Really enjoying time with him but don't want to be a rebound Link to comment
Maddyb12 Posted April 22, 2017 Author Share Posted April 22, 2017 That's understandable. Yes exclusive is ok unless you want to keep your options open. Is he going to fast for you? Also keep a mental ex-o-meter. See how often he refers to or talks about her. If it's too much, you can always back out. Not going too fast for me, my only hang up is the ex girlfriend. But after we talked him and her talked (because she has been calling and texting non stop) and he told her she needed to stop and he was seeing someone else. So I think that's a step in the right direction. I very much like him and enjoy my time with him and since we have known each other so long everything is just easy if that makes sense. I just don't want to be a rebound because I know I will develop very strong feelings. Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted April 22, 2017 Share Posted April 22, 2017 Lots of red flags. Unfortunately he hasn't blocked her...and they are still talking. Is he using you to make her jealous and come back to him?after we talked him and her talked because she has been calling and texting non stop and he told her she needed to stop and he was seeing someone else. Link to comment
Maddyb12 Posted April 22, 2017 Author Share Posted April 22, 2017 Lots of red flags. Unfortunately he hasn't blocked her...and they are still talking. Is he using you to make her jealous and come back to him? No definitely not. But me and him was honestly completely out of nowhere I didn't expect it whatsoever and doubt he did either Link to comment
ShatteredMan Posted April 28, 2017 Share Posted April 28, 2017 I think Wiseman is on to something here. This guy IS NOT DONE WITH HER. He's "overlapping" or had setup a great situation where he can have the old gf any time he wants if he doesn't make all the right moves with you. It takes a minute to cut off someone that you truly don't want in your life from being able to reach out to you. He has not done this. As Wiseman is kind of saying, take a look at his ACTIONS not his words. Link to comment
SoulTaker Posted April 28, 2017 Share Posted April 28, 2017 it was a toxic relationship but I know he was very hurt when it ended. He asked me to be exclusive-unsure what to do. Really enjoying time with him but don't want to be a rebound You have answered your own question (dilemma). You've been friends for years, so there's no need to change this arrangement at this time. You don't date someone who is recently "hurt" over a break-up, unless it's a casual situation, and that is definitely not what you want. Tell him "no". Stay away from intimate talk, and situations. Give it the time needed for him to move on from this situation (at least 6 months), and pay attention to what he says around you (along with his emotional state). Don't bring her name up, and see if "her name" continues to come up in his conversations. Link to comment
Throwaway85 Posted May 3, 2017 Share Posted May 3, 2017 As someone who has gone through all sides of this equation let me tell you how this story ends. Eventually he realizes these "healthy" actions of taking things slow and being open and honest, are really just grand gestures to convince himself he's over his ex. There's a possibility you two make it through this and become a happy healthy couple. There's a bigger chance that you or he break up after realizing that you were in a relationship for the wrong reasons. Worse, that either he was staying in a relationship because he's afraid or being single - or - you stayed in a relationship because you didn't want to "lose" to the ex. Worst case scenario (and my experience), he loses his ex permanently and blames you for preventing the reconciliation, terminating your friendship. Tread carefully here Link to comment
Maddyb12 Posted May 4, 2017 Author Share Posted May 4, 2017 Thanks everyone for your input. We are still seeing eachother albeit taking it slow. He has ended all communication with the ex all on his doing, i didn't push or ask. Right now it's working and it's fun, easy and happy. I may be blinded but I truly feel he is over his ex. I am just letting things play out and having fun. Link to comment
abitbroken Posted May 4, 2017 Share Posted May 4, 2017 I would tell him that you know he is communicating with his ex. Tell him while you would like to date him, why not call you when he has his last relationship wrapped up and there is nothing unresolved. Stop "hanging out", etc, for now. It's for your own good. He started immediately hanging out with you after the breakup to fill the need of having someone to go to movies with and I presume kiss, etc. - someone to "be" there. I am not saying his or your feelings are not genuine, but you don't want him saying to you next year that he didn't take time for himself between relationships. If you stop seeing eachother temporarily, then you won't be hurt when he goes back to his ex. Or maybe he'll be motivated to cut communication and he'll call you and ask you out in a month. No loose ends. Link to comment
MissAnthropy84 Posted May 4, 2017 Share Posted May 4, 2017 I would tell him that you know he is communicating with his ex. Tell him while you would like to date him, why not call you when he has his last relationship wrapped up and there is nothing unresolved. Stop "hanging out", etc, for now. It's for your own good. He started immediately hanging out with you after the breakup to fill the need of having someone to go to movies with and I presume kiss, etc. - someone to "be" there. I am not saying his or your feelings are not genuine, but you don't want him saying to you next year that he didn't take time for himself between relationships. If you stop seeing eachother temporarily, then you won't be hurt when he goes back to his ex. Or maybe he'll be motivated to cut communication and he'll call you and ask you out in a month. No loose ends. I agree with this. I wish I had this insight before my last relationship, it would have prevented a whole lot of heartbreak Link to comment
abitbroken Posted May 4, 2017 Share Posted May 4, 2017 I agree with this. I wish I had this insight before my last relationship, it would have prevented a whole lot of heartbreak There are a few ENA relationships going on now or recently ended where couples are struggling 4 months, 8 months, a year or two in about how the relationship started, the ex popping up in their lives again, the ex not being told they are in a new relationship, the person not shutting their ex down, etc. You need to be at the point of not being in communication with an ex at that point to get into another relationship with the exception of their being a kid or working together. The pleading and "give me another chance" stage should be well over at that point. I wouldn't accept it. If he knows you are interested but not until he is really done with her, it will save your relationship when it really starts later on. ANd no, you aren't being petty or controlling or paranoid. He needs to really be done with her - not just in his mind - but the communication needs to be done. And if it is toxic - has he healed enough? Link to comment
MissAnthropy84 Posted May 4, 2017 Share Posted May 4, 2017 There are a few ENA relationships going on now or recently ended where couples are struggling 4 months, 8 months, a year or two in about how the relationship started, the ex popping up in their lives again, the ex not being told they are in a new relationship, the person not shutting their ex down, etc. You need to be at the point of not being in communication with an ex at that point to get into another relationship with the exception of their being a kid or working together. The pleading and "give me another chance" stage should be well over at that point. I wouldn't accept it. If he knows you are interested but not until he is really done with her, it will save your relationship when it really starts later on. ANd no, you aren't being petty or controlling or paranoid. He needs to really be done with her - not just in his mind - but the communication needs to be done. And if it is toxic - has he healed enough? That's the thing, it was a toxic codependent relationship with he and his ex. And he needed/needs a lot of time and space to heal from that and I didn't give that to him. It was too easy to fall into the gaga-all-over-each-other phase and ignore the fact that he had just ended a LTR. My mistake and I paid for it. Am still paying for it. I hope for him that he is one day able to untangle himself from that mess because he wont be able to have a healthy relationship with anyone in the future until he does. Link to comment
HeartGoesOn Posted May 4, 2017 Share Posted May 4, 2017 If he's allowing her to contact him, he's far from done. Guard your heart, the writing is on the wall. Link to comment
Maddyb12 Posted May 4, 2017 Author Share Posted May 4, 2017 I would tell him that you know he is communicating with his ex. Tell him while you would like to date him, why not call you when he has his last relationship wrapped up and there is nothing unresolved. Stop "hanging out", etc, for now. It's for your own good. He started immediately hanging out with you after the breakup to fill the need of having someone to go to movies with and I presume kiss, etc. - someone to "be" there. I am not saying his or your feelings are not genuine, but you don't want him saying to you next year that he didn't take time for himself between relationships. If you stop seeing eachother temporarily, then you won't be hurt when he goes back to his ex. Or maybe he'll be motivated to cut communication and he'll call you and ask you out in a month. No loose ends. He is NOT communicating with his ex. He broke all ties and blocked contact in the last few weeks. And we didn't start hanging out until 2-3 months or so after the break up. Link to comment
Maddyb12 Posted May 4, 2017 Author Share Posted May 4, 2017 He ended communication after one of my last posts he blocked numbers removed social media etc. I didn't ask him to he chose to. Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted May 4, 2017 Share Posted May 4, 2017 Sorry to hear this. You were smart to be careful with this situation.He ended communication after one of my last posts he blocked numbers removed social media etc. I didn't ask him to he chose to. Link to comment
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