Chatrooms/Online Relationships Addiction ~ A New Beginning

[UnchainedSoul]

So here I am.

 

I am starting at the beginning because I realize I have a problem. I, like most people, have gotten sucked into the online world. A few years ago, after my break-up with my real life boyfriend of three years, I began online dating. I went on a few dates with some real guys in my area but I wasn't really getting anywhere. Then I started branching out to different states and even different countries. I met the Virginian in 2013. We were phone buddies for almost three years, but we never planned to meet. In between the Virginian, there was the Viking God who I had brief role-playing Dominant/Submissive thing going, there was the Scottish Spiritual Husband who was my confidant and friend before we became sexual and several others who came and went. Through all of this I was dealing with Bipolar. My last hospitalization had left me crippled in 2015, so I sought solace in online relationships, rather than subjecting real life people with my craziness.

 

Recently, I had two very intense relationships with the Irish and Southern Gentlemen. The Irish Gentleman was from the UK and the Southern Gentleman was from Tennessee. Both put me through the ringer. I also had the English Prince who was one of my closest friends online because he too was Bipolar. There were other men thrown in there, Azure, someone I knew for almost a year who blocked me last week for no reason at all like I didn't exist. And the Literary from New Zealand who I blocked tonight because I couldn't take any more of his games.

 

I realize all these guys have backstories to them but that isn't the purpose of this journal. The purpose of this journal is to rid myself of all these online relationships and my addiction to chatrooms (where I met all these guys to begin with). I wouldn't have gotten in contact with any of them if it wasn't for chat.

 

So where am I today? Well I blocked all these guys on all my platforms, including my bipolar friend (which I feel bad about, but it needed to be done), and the Virginian that I knew the longest online? Well I called him a month back to see how he was doing which his response was "well I am with my wife now, nice knowing ya." Huge slap in the face. There is three years of my life I will never get back. I understand there were gaps in our relationship but to end it like that was just some cold-hearted .

 

Day one starts today. I wandered into Adult Chat tonight, and the Literary found me there. That's where most of them find me. Anyway, the Literary and me have had an on/off, love/hate relationship over the past year. He is young, stubborn, egotistical, and arrogant. My perfect man. Haha. Anyway, he is amazingly intelligent and is a great roleplayer, something I will get myself back into at some point because I love to write. So after weeks of not talking, (he pulled the disappearing act), he found me on the Adult Chat and we started talking again on Skype. Well he decided to play his "ghosting" games and logged off in the middle of a conversation which he is notorious for doing. I realized then and there, I will block him and hopefully he will stay blocked as long as I stay out of that Chatroom and don't fall under his spell again.

 

Every day is a struggle with this Bipolar. With sleep patterns, anxiety, extreme highs and extreme lows. I am lucky if I have my head on straight. Medication helps, and I could always go to the doctor and say "Pill me up" but that doesn't really solve anything. I don't believe medication alone is what keeps someone sane. It's finding joy and activity in your life. I don't have joy in anything. I don't watch my TV, I don't read my books. I get from chatrooms what people get from of a "Like" on Facebook/Instagram/Twitter. It's that shot of dopamine of recognition, that's why we always go back. I have no real friends in my life. The only one I have is my best friend who has come to be my rock over the past 7 years. He lives a good 30 miles away so we communicate via phone much like me and the Virginian did for those three years. But my best friend comes to see me sometimes and we go to a movie or whatever. My best friend was that ex-boyfriend I had years ago, but we remained friends because we genuinely care about each other. Long story short, the sex wasn't there and we couldn't get it to work. I have a lot of issues in this arena and a lot of it comes from my insecurities. But I will go more in detail as the journal progresses.

 

I guess the goal is to keep me out of the Chatrooms and keep me away from the Online Relationships. I have a penpal I met on Reddit and two contacts I still talk to on Skype, (one of which may have pulled the disappearing act but time will tell on that one). Other than that my slate is clean and all those other guys are long gone. So what now? Well I was just reviewed for my disability so I am going to wait on a decision before I look for a part-time job to get back out there again. i need a reason to get out of bed in the morning. I need something to do with my life. I would volunteer, but that requires gas and food money which I can't afford to spend right now. I want to give back and i want to grow, and by keeping out of these online toxic relationships I can move on to healthy happy life. I just need to stick to it. So every day, i will write a bit about my activities, thoughts, and may even share some stories and poetry that I may write from time to time.

 

I still have those three contacts hanging out there so time will tell on those. I need to feel comfortable enough to go out in the real world again, and get out of the bubble I created for myself over the years. Let's see what happens.

 

Here we go....Day One.

[Clarisse]

Are you unmedicated currently?

 

Good luck in your journey. The online world can be a lonely, empty place. I'm glad that you're breaking free.

[UnchainedSoul]

So at the beginning of Day Two, I ended up having cybersex. And it was really good too. I couldn't break my chatroom addiction as I ended up back in that Adult Chat again tonight. But I didn't actually "meet" anyone there. I had a couple of causal conversations, but nothing solid. The weird thing is one of my Skype contacts came online. I mentioned in my last post that I still had a couple of them around. Well when I purged myself from everyone, I hadn't really broken the chatroom addiction. I was still going back periodically as with any addiction sometimes you have to ween yourself off of them. I think in my case I should have just gone cold turkey because the Friday night before I started this Journal I met the Texan.

 

Now the Texan was new and shiny, a brand new connection. We discussed Sylvia Plath and he introduced me to some other literary works. I even make a blog post about him on my Wordpress blog.Here is a short excerpt:

 

A Texas boy. A NYC girl. Where the odds are against it, they find each other. This interweb. Such a serendipitous thing this is. Electric. He quotes Descartes and her heart stops. Such a man exists? I said I wouldn’t go back into that Adult Chatroom again. That place is swarming with the underbelly of the internet. In mists and shadows, the predators lurk as “Articulate Lady” meets “Artificial Moonlight.” Serendipitous indeed.

 

He walks. Boots shuffles at his feet. He says he’s from the suburbs. He says he sleeps naked. Six foot, broad shoulders and the bluest eyes that not even the morning sky can compare to nor the deepest fathoms of the ocean. He says he likes a curvy woman. “A little milk in your coffee?” He flirts with me, knowing I am a caramel goddess. Our skin tones will contrast with each other nicely. Oh yes. A white in my… Oh yes.

 

In my escape from the online world, I had forgotten how electrifying a first encounter is. There is so much we don’t know about each other. Is he a Catfish? Is he one of my ex-suitors hiding in disguise? Is he really from where he says he’s from? Is he married? So many unanswered questions. Do you take the risk? Do you just jump in and say screw it, I’m going for it?

 

Where will the next chapter take me? We will write our story, oh yes we will. Take me upon the wings of ecstasy and make me your master. Wash my fears away in the sweat of your manly resolve. Take me under your arm, and hold me close. It will be alright, little one. He will be the one you were waiting for. Don’t put all your eggs in one basket, they say. Well “they” don’t live my life the way I do. I ride hard and fast. Keep on driving till dawn and don’t look back, baby, it’s gonna be one helluva ride. Strap in if you dare.

 

Even after all that I didn't think much of it because as I mentioned in my last post I thought he had pulled the disappearing act and it was just a passing thing. Just a moment in "chat" time. Yeah I had added him on Skype but I thought he wasn't going to stick around. Or was he? He sure did prove me wrong tonight. He claims he has been working a lot so he hasn't had much time to be online. Could be legitimate. Could not be too. I like to give people the benefit of the doubt. Anyway, I usually don't do cyber sex because I think lately, it's been a huge waste of time. Men usually get what they want and sign off. Hell, I know women do it too. But that's besides the point. Our session was really good. Hot, steamy and incredibly personal. He says he has real feelings for me, which I don't believe because people don't usually mean what they say on these types of platforms. I have enough experience with online relationships to know that sometimes people just tell you what you want to hear. I don't know. Could his feelings be genuine? Could he really care about me? I guess time will tell on that one.

 

All I know is I wanted out of this online relationship addiction and I got myself right back in the thick of things by stepping back into that chatroom after I said I wouldn't. I mean people have online relationships all the time. Why am I denying myself and calling it an addiction? Yeah, I know, because it is. Who knows what will happen with the Texan. I am not going to let myself become obsessed over it though. I still have my email buddy from Reddit and my other Skype contact who wished me a Happy Easter earlier today. So even though I purged myself from most of the men online I still haven't gone cold turkey. I realize if I REALLY want to get offline I need to cut EVERYBODY off. But I also need to cut myself some slack. I am a grown woman, who is single, sexually available (somewhat, I still have some issues with it), and in the prime of her life. I mean I am safe in my home right? What's the harm? I guess the problem is when drama becomes a factor. I need to try and avoid as much drama as possible if I want to get my life in order. So who knows?

 

We will see.

 

That's the end of Day Two.

[UnchainedSoul]

Are you unmedicated currently?

 

Good luck in your journey. The online world can be a lonely, empty place. I'm glad that you're breaking free.

 

Thank you. If you read on, you will see that I haven't completely gone cold turkey yet. But it is a slow process and eventually I will get there. I just have to pick my battles and pick them carefully.

 

To answer your question yes I am medicated. I take them every night and I am compliant with my doctors and my therapist. But sometimes it just isn't enough.

[UnchainedSoul]

So it is Day Three, and have I left the chatrooms alone? Nope! I think this journal is turning out to be pointless. I have an addiction and I am doing nothing to break it. I did force myself to go to sleep last night though, and I missed the Texan online. He left me a message wishing me well though, so I do know he is thinking about me. Anyway, I didn't really meet anyone worth talking about in the chat, but I think my presence there usually goes unnoticed. Who wants to talk to an "Articulate Lady" anyway? Most people can't even put two sentences together.

 

I want to find someone. I don't know. I don't exactly want to put myself out there and date anymore, I just want someone to talk to, flirt with and confide in. I love conversations and meeting people, that's why I am on several forums. That's also why I am in the chats and get myself involved with online relationships. I broke free of most of them though, which is a good thing because some of it was getting ridiculously out of control. But where am I now? Binge watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer and waiting for someone to find me in chat. Pretty pathetic if you ask me. I can't wait to work again, give back something to society and make something of my life. I want to be more than I am. I want more than this.

 

I have therapy later today so hopefully that will help matters. I just want this review to be over with so I can get back to work and back to living again. Hopefully I hear from the Texan tonight and I can at least get a good orgasm out of it. God knows that could help matters.

 

Anyway let's see what tomorrow brings.

[UnchainedSoul]

So today is Day Four, and whoa was it a crazy one. But I did achieve a small victory. I stayed out of the chatrooms completely yesterday! So yay for me! I think I am finally getting on the right track. I have to admit I fell a little back though, because I had to say goodbye to my friend on Reddit. I didn't want to "ghost" him so I left him a message saying I couldn't do it anymore. He was getting into some really personal details with me and our messages were very long and taxing. I deactivated the Reddit account so I am going to stay away from there too. Can I be any more bipolar? Geez, I am such a flake. No wonder I can't make relationships work, not even friendships. Oh well.

 

Anyway, there is one site that I am still on, NoLongerLonely.com. It's a site for people with mental illness trying to connect. I am actually not looking for romance there, just like minded people I can relate to, even though PsychCentral has been a great supportive forum I go to when in need. Anyway, that's not the crazy thing. I met an actual murderer from the site yesterday. I know crazy right? I suppose there are ex-criminals on dating sites but goddamn. He was very upfront with everything, and after a few nice and polite messages back and forth he decided to drop the bomb on me. And what a bomb it was! He actually murdered both his parents! He gave me his first and last name and where to look up the information on his case (god knows why he did that), but I saw for myself and my insides ached. I know there is a possibility that it could be a scam, but his pictures seemed real and his Facebook checked out. Anyway, I battled with this yesterday, (I know why right? Like I shouldn't even have to think twice), but honestly he seemed pretty genuine, and it was 15 years ago this happened. He is very disturbed, and even though he is medicated now, who knows what would happen in the future. So, I politely told him it was too much for me to handle then BLOCK! Another one bites the dust. I mean is there anyone normal out there? Granted I am the farthest thing from normal, but to meet an actual murderer? I mean that's insane.

 

But aside from that, I have been pretty okay. I am quite happy about being able to stay out of the chatrooms. I have a couple of forums I am on to pass time, but I am glad that I haven't had the need to obsess over anyone or anything in particular. Things are quite cool and casual with the Texan but I am hoping to keep him at arm's length so I don't fall in the trap of an online relationship, I am desperately trying to avoid those. My blog is coming along great too. Since having to restart it, I have amassed almost 30 followers in about two weeks, which isn't bad. I am quite happy for my little corner in the universe. I saw my therapist yesterday and he was very helpful and insightful as always. He said I should just go ahead and contact Social Security and find out what the hold up is with my disability review. I am really anxious to start working, at least part-time, to have something to strive towards.

 

I am taking the steps to improve my life, and this new attitude towards the chatrooms and online relationships is helping a lot. If I can break this pattern I think it will open more doors into the "real world." I have managed to keep the bipolar at bay, some days are just so hard and the mood swings are just unbelievable sometimes. But one day at a time.

[UnchainedSoul]

So today is Day Six, (actually skipped Day Five as there was nothing to report), and I have a different outlook. I don't know what I really hope to accomplish with this journal other than the fact I need a kick in the butt once in a while. I saw the Texan the other night online, and basically helped him "get off." He did absolutely nothing for me in return. I realized I am tired. Tired of being used by men. There has to come a point where I kick myself in the butt too. What's funny is after the Texan signed off, I didn't even care. I didn't even care that he used me, hell, I didn't care if I ever saw him again. I think that's the point. I am running around looking for all these connections for what? Why am I doing this?

 

Last night, I decided to go to "Paint Night" with my sister. And I made this gem, (see below). What I realize is, there si so much out there I could be doing than going in chatrooms and dealing with these men online. I am also thinking of writing again. I am on a "Sex Forum" and was thinking about writing some erotica. I think I would be good at it, and it's a healthy outlet for my sexuality instead of having meaningless cyber sex with random men, (yes this includes the Texan). So what now? I don't know really. All I know is I have managed to stay out of the chatrooms. But we will see what tomorrow brings. I hope you like the painting!

 

[ATTACH=CONFIG]11384[/ATTACH]

[saluk]

I love the streak of yellow in the background! Like the painting, and the snippets of your writing as well.

 

I think your journal here is less about forcing you to change, and more a way to just be accountable to yourself, so you can look at everything later and keep track. That can be valuable. We usually can't see the change while we are in it, and setting your foot down in this way and saying you WILL change is a big step.

 

I guess my only wonder is if it's not just another type of attempting to connect without really connecting though? Besides just trying to stay out of chat rooms, what other steps are you taking to move towards a broader existence in the offline world?

 

Anyway, good luck in your journey.

[UnchainedSoul]

I love the streak of yellow in the background! Like the painting, and the snippets of your writing as well.

 

I think your journal here is less about forcing you to change, and more a way to just be accountable to yourself, so you can look at everything later and keep track. That can be valuable. We usually can't see the change while we are in it, and setting your foot down in this way and saying you WILL change is a big step.

 

I guess my only wonder is if it's not just another type of attempting to connect without really connecting though? Besides just trying to stay out of chat rooms, what other steps are you taking to move towards a broader existence in the offline world?

 

Anyway, good luck in your journey.

 

First off, I would like to say, thank you for reading and commenting! It has most valuable and helpful and I feel better that someone is reading and I am not just throwing words out into the air. I guess you're right, this is in a way wanting to connect without really connecting. I am hoping people out there that have had similar experience with internet addiction in general, could offer some input into what they did. As far as other steps to move into the offline world, I haven't done much. I am on a pretty tight budget because I am not working and there isn't much I can really do. It is expensive to go out and do things, and I don't really have any friends anymore. I was thinking of at least joining an art group at my counseling center once a week. We will see how that goes.

 

As far as how Day Seven went, well I officially blocked the Texan. He basically got off the other night with me just "faking" it because he didn't want to put the effort in helping me out, and I was contributing to most of the other non-sexual conversation as well. It was bad all around, because he guilted me into the cyber sex, which felt like "online rape." But you know what? I didn't even care. Usually I would feel horrible and low, but I just didn't give a damn. Anyway, I know I mentioned all this before, but I officially blocked him yesterday, and it felt so damn good. I also left a goodbye message calling him a selfish jerk, which he is.

 

I did do one thing though. I reconnected with my bipolar friend from the UK. I know I said I would stop all online relationships, but this friend has helped me through some really hard times, and he didn't really deserve me shutting him out like that. Luckily, he has a really big heart and forgave me and we had a wonderful conversation. I have decided to keep the line of communication open but I won't spend a lot of time online talking to him, I will limit the interactions.

 

I had a "slip" and went back into the chatroom last night and had a couple of meaningless conversations. I didn't stay long because some troll was spamming the room which is kind of like a blessing. No mods were there so it was just like blocks of nonsense being spammed throughout the room and no one could really type. I used that as my cue to exit, I really don't need to be in there anyway.

 

Now I am going to look forward to the future. I managed to contact Social Security, and they said my case is being handled and I should hear something by at least mid July. Now the question is what to do till then on my limited budget? I suppose I could write. I could write some erotic stories for the Sex Forum I am on, or I could continue on in my blog. The point is to stay away from making real connections so I don't get sucked in. One thing I give myself credit for is that I am not on social media. I have managed to stay off of things like Facebook/Twitter and Instagram. I have no need for any of those sites. I don't even do online dating so things like OkCupid and Tinder are out too. So this is more of a chatroom thing and connection thing. I think I am doing pretty well, and I hope to continue. Other than my little slip, I think I am on the right track. I just need to find other things to do that don't cost a lot of money until I can start working again.

 

I guess we will have to see. Till next time. Thanks for reading.