If you're going through hell, keep going!

[DrDax]

This seems like a great idea. I posted a few weeks back how my life got flipped upside down at Christmas when my live-in ex of 6 years (11-12 years on-off in total), asked me to leave our home that I struggled to build, gave up endless opportunities for, loved with all my heart, proposed to, and was about to start a family with. She left me in what can only be described as 'a moment of madness' on her part, having now recently appeared in my life agin, expressing how much she regrets ending things, took for granted what we had, loves me more deeply that she ever realised, wants a family with me, wishes we could go back, BUT... she is 2 months pregnant with the rebound guy, yippie!!! I had gone NC for 4 weeks after the ABSOLUTE hell of the first month dealing with the breakup. I only found out a couple of weeks ago she was pregnant and living with this guy. On my fall back to square one, I managed to grab a few branches and hang on for dear life, I was not going back to the beginning, to that black place in my mind. I have been struggling, but so much is happening and changing also, and so this here is is going to be my therapy, I have so many emotions and thoughts and no one to really share them with now. I have plenty of family and friends but none that I feel I can be truly authentic and comfortably open with (i'll get into that somewhere along the way), I guess I distanced myself somewhat from them all during the past 6 years (Mistake #1 distancing loved ones/friends), and I am repairing these relationships now. One thing I have noticed is how you really can find out who your true friends are at times like these, sometimes this can be a fantastic heart warming realisation, and others, it can sting a little. I have also realised that I find it very hard to be 'truly authentic'. I have lost myself somewhere in the past decade, and I find myself struggling to be 'true' around people. This is not in a lying, manipulative sort of way, but in a kind of want to fit in way and so bend myself to be more accommodating depending on who i'm around, which i'm sure is a necessity of being a polite and decent person to some degree, but i feel the scale has swung too far the other way for me. I'm by no means a weak person, it's a subtle thing that is hard to explain, but one part of this journey is that I wish to find my 'authentic self' (Objective #1 Be authentic).

 

I want to bare all here, I want to say it as it is, and maybe get a little feedback along the way if anyone happens to read, but I don't expect it. I'm a thinker, and over analyse everything, and I need somewhere to keep myself in check, and to watch where i'm going wrong, or right. I will flag my mistakes along the way and start to compile a list for learning. I will also flag my objectives along the way to to try and stay on track.

 

I embarked (perhaps way to early) on internet dating about 3 weeks ago, just to see what was out there, I guess to gain some reassurances that I wasn't going to be alone forever. I don't expect to fall into another relationship, but I am in my mid 30's and feel it could take a good couple of years to find myself in a comfortable position with someone else, if I can at all, and so starting early seemed to be something to get me out a bit, meeting people, and learning to date again if nothing else, and I plan to document my experiences here too. I will reiterate though, i'm not ready for another relationship, but knowing she is pregnant and living with another guy has kind of forced the issue of moving on unlike before when I didn't know. I still have moments of absolute agony over it, and days where I feel ok... i'll get into that later.

 

For now, to quote Winston Churchill with my new motto for the year... "If you're going through hell, keep going".

[DrDax]

So with the intro out of the way, an added pressure which I need to deal with is getting my final things from the house. I removed all things from inside the house, but have a garage and shed full of stuff. I just cannot bring myself to do it. I don't want to go back there, I used to love pottering in the garage and shed making little things for the house or garden, it's full of these memories and I fear it's going to set me back. I have been ok the past week, maybe because I went on a couple of dates with zero expectations last week (more on my thoughts with internet dating later), but actually ended up having a great time, and realised there are other people out there that I can at least connect with, who may like my company too (I'm honest about having come from a LTR). I think one of the hardest things about a breakup is the fear of being alone, and feeling like if the person who was supposed to love you the most can leave you, then why would any stranger want to get to know you or be with you. I was made out to be the worst kind of partner by my ex at the end, but in reflection the only thing I didn't do was propose sooner (Mistake #2 - don't delay just because), and as a result of this I beat myself up for weeks on end about how I caused her to end it based on every little thing I may have said or done wrong over the past 6 years. This was unhealthy, and wasn't true anyway. She has even realised she took me for granted and got hung up on silly things. I was running a business, had 15 staff, my days were long and stressful, and I wasn't always in the best place in my mind as a result, and at times the relationship suffered, but in my mind I was doing it for her, and our future security. It's what I thought was important to her, and what I had to do (Mistake #3 - Working for the wrong reasons). But anyway, I need to go get my stuff... I need strength!!!

[DrDax]

Need to gather my thoughts...

 

So 2 years ago I was living pretty happily in a comfortable home, with my dog, and partner, with my own business that was doing well (albeit taking over my life), and I was certain this was it... the long haul, the forever. For the most part I was happy, a few things needed tweaking, but I was committed to making it work, in everything. Fast forward 2 years, I am now living back at my Mum's house, I shut down the business, I lost my home, my dog, and my partner. Yikes! When I say it like that, it makes me want to climb into bed and hide from the world. BUT... in the spirit of being positive, what has changed for the good?

 

- I am closer to my Mum than I have been in years, however I have realised she has a drinking problem, and that is killing me on a whole other level.

- I am closer to my Brothers (1 still lives at home)

- I perhaps managed to dodge a bullet with the ex... I mean who gets pregnant 1 month after a 6 year LTR??? Jeez.. she's way more screwed that I am!

- I have freedom! Double edged, as I feel lonely too, but I can do what I want, when I want... needs some getting used to yet.

- I'm getting out there and meeting new people, not just dating, but anyone, i'm forcing myself to socialise all the time, and it's usually a good thing.

- The world is my oyster - bit of a stretch, but I guess anything is possible now.

- I can now focus on ME.. partly why I started this journal.

- THE BIG ONE... During the first few weeks of hell, I reached out to so many people, including some totally random job opportunities that were way beyond me, and low and behold, after a few weeks of reluctantly travelling 2 hours back and forth to London for interviews and meets I really didn't feel up to, a company has offered me a once in a lifetime opportunity, a truly great job in a field I never thought I would be able to join. It scares the hell out of me because it means relocating to London, and leaving my whole life behind me, support network included, but it is also the BEST opportunity at a fresh start I could have ever asked for. I accepted the job yesterday, but i'm terrified. I have worked for myself for my entire working life, and this will be my first "job". Having lost my home recently too, it is the only chance I have of buying a new place/getting mortgage. I feel I need that security right now.

[DrDax]

So a real CRAPPY easter weekend. I'm wondering right now when i'm going to break. I feel detached from myself in some way. My little cousin, at 29 years old, who I grew up with but grew apart from over the past few years was killed on Friday in an accident. I don't think i'm processing it quite yet, like so much s**t has happened this year already that my mind is rejecting it. It's made me feel even more alone for some reason, I guess because I want to reach out to my ex for support, and that just makes it worse. I'm also missing my cousin now, which is BS because I could have seen him at any point in the past couple of years and didn't, you think people will be around forever, and this has just side swiped me. Life keeps taking away lately... when will it give something back!!! Sad times... worst year EVER!

[DrDax]

Been struggling today, and I expect that's based on what's happened, but I'm sensing that perhaps i'm feeling depressed as opposed to just upset or down. I think I may have struggled a little with depression over the years, and I know that anxiety can get the better of me at times, but all of this only started about 7-8 years ago in my late 20's. I am a very strong minded, analytical, thinker and have vowed to overcome any mental health issues by myself, which may not be the most healthy way but i've survived this long and feel somehow stronger as a result. Recognising when feelings may be depressive as opposed to regular downs is key in my mind. If I sense that the feeling is depressive, I reject the feeling, it doesn't go away immediately, but I make sure I know that it's not real, and I can't trust it. This way I don't get overtaken by it, I remind myself that I know it will pass, and I will feel ok again and to wait it out. Things over the past few months have been pretty awful, so i'm giving myself some grace. I judge myself too hard, and hate to show 'weakness' which is how I see it, right or wrong. I don't want to be as damaged as I feel right now, or fear becoming, and that is giving me strength to plow through. Things will get better, I have to believe it, but sometimes I am just too exhausted to care. I hope the sun is out tomorrow, it always helps, these gloomy days in the UK do magnify negative feelings.

 

In separate news, my ex keeps reaching out with little messages from her new life, something as simple as a few X's and nothing else. I don't know if I enjoy that fact she misses me, or if it makes me feel worse ultimately. I miss her so it's impossible to tell which end the grief stems from.