Emotional Cheater

[Jolene576]

My husband has had emotional affairs during our marriage and has physically cheated once during the dating time while in a serious committed relationship (which was disclosed to the me 9 years into our marriage). While he says he's never crossed the line physically during the marriage, there has been a series of lies associated with the emotional affairs that have been verified, making it difficult for me to believe him.

 

We have been married for almost 12 years. About a year into the marriage, my husband's ex-girlfriend starting calling our house. She had recently moved to the US. He said she didn't know anyone and she felt lonely and sad. I didn’t think much of it and he didn't seem to be trying to hide it at all. He eventually admitted he thought she was getting attached to him and I told him it would be best to end the friendship and not lead her on anymore.

 

Then about a year later, my husband went to a foreign country for research. He was there for two months. While there, he met a girl who was going through a rough time. She was a single mom who's husband had just left her. He spent time with her, walking with her after his soccer games and spending time on her porch talking to her, although he says there were people around during these times. The last night he was there she came and offered him "something to remember her by" and she wanted to give it to him in his room. He said he refused to let her in and she hung around for about 45 minutes until he final convinced her to leave. He walked her to the gate and then went to kiss her on the cheek (customary), and she turned her head and their mouths met halfway across the lips. He said that was all that happened. Later, I found a letter from the girl. It was in Spanish. I asked her husband why he was saving it and he said it wasn’t important so I asked him to throw it away. He refused. I asked if he would read it to me and tell me what it said (I don't speak Spanish). He refused and a fight ensued. He tore up the letter and threw it in the trash.

 

Six years later (8 years into the marriage), my husband came to me and told me he has been messaging another ex-girlfriend on Facebook and that it's been going on for around about 4 or 5 weeks and that he let it go too far and they ended up telling each other they want to be with each other and that they are in love with each other. When she wanted to come see him, he decided he didn't want to be with her and so he decided to tell me.

 

However, at the same time, he decided to also confess that while they were dating, he had had sex with another girl while doing research in another foreign country.

 

I was devastated and hurt. I felt betrayed and that my trust was broken. I had a hard time looking at him the same way. After some time, I finally forgave him, and he promised it would never happen again. We reconciled. But it didn't really go away. My heart was still hurting but I felt she had to forgive him for his sake, because he was sad about it. I had to convince him to end communication with the ex-girlfriend. He did not want to stop talking to her.

 

Three and half years later (11 years into the marriage), I found some communications on his Facebook messenger. He had started communicating with another girl he used to like. They had never actually dated, but on Facebook they were confessing their past feelings for each other and how he had wanted his parents to move to Texas so he could be with her (when he was 16). The conversation was very flirtatious and I was hurt. I felt that he was going down the same road again. I finally ended up telling him I had discovered the messages and initially he said he didn't do anything wrong, but then he apologized and said he wouldn't talk to this girl anymore. Then, 3 months later, he went to Florida on a ministry trip during New Years. He called the me on New Years Eve and said "I have something to tell you, but you're not going to be happy about it". He then told me that the girl he had been talking to had contacted him and wanted to hang out with him for New Years Eve and that her family was there so it was going to be fine. I felt frustrated and hurt because he had told me he wouldn't talk to this other woman anymore, but I just ended up getting off the phone and didn't say much. He went and spent time with the other girl. However, when he got back I mentioned that I did not want him to continue a friendship with her and he said "No, I wouldn't do that". Then, 5 days later, I saw him on his phone and he kept smiling. I asked him what he was doing and he kept dismissing it and saying "nothing". Then another 5 days later, I logged onto his email account to check their Amazon Prime order and saw that he had changed his Facebook password on New Years Eve Day. I had had his other password and could access his account but had rarely logged in. I knew that my husband never likes to change passwords. And he had changed it on the day he was meeting up with this girl in Florida. I found it very suspicious. So I checked his Facebook account from his phone. I found out that he had never cut off communication with the girl from Florida. He wasn't having long intimate emails with her but that he had kept in contact. She had come here in November and he had called her but she had missed the call. They didn't meet. Then, the day before New Years Eve, he had a text exchange with her and then deleted it. He then changed his password and initiated arrangements to meet up with her. The conversations were still flirtatious. Then, on that one night that he had been smiling, I realized it was because he was talking to the other girl on messenger. They were discussing how they felt and what they were thinking when they were hanging out. It was a very flirtatious conversation and at one point he said,

"Even though I told my wife, I was still wondering, 'What if?'"

She said, "What if what?"

He said, "You know, I've never been around someone I used to like before, so.....What if?.... You know, What if?"

She said, "I'm not sure what you mean by 'What if'".

He said, "Well, maybe we can come back to that later."

He then went on to tell her what a great friend she was and that it was hard to find friends like her. In opposition to what he had told me about not continuing the friendship.

 

When I confronted him, he answered with several lies that were verified as untrue by the text messages. He has continued to lie and change the details of the stories to benefit himself. I feel I can no longer trust him and I feel crushed by these emotional relationships outside of our marriage. I feel the marriage commitment to “forsake all others” has been broken. He said he never had feelings for these women but I have seen from the messages that he was the pursuer and that he was instigating and pursuing the connection with these other women. In the past he had claimed that these other women had pursued him, but from the recent evidence, it appears that this is not the case.

 

I am not opposed to him having mutual female friends. However, considering the inappropriate nature of the initial conversation with this recent girl, I felt that continuing this connection would be traveling the same path, especially since the conversation was not platonic but flirtatious. He also admitted at one point that he realized it was heading in the same direction as the previous problem with the ex girlfriend, but had still continued it when the girl from Florida contacted him. So, though he was convicted he was doing the same thing, he continued anyway.

 

What should I do? I want a divorce. Is that too extreme? I feel I can't trust him anymore.

[Hollyj]

No. It is not. he has cheated on you multiple times, and he will in the future.

 

How many times does he have to do this, for you to be done???? He has disrespected and betrayed you over and over.

 

Seek an attorney. Learn to respond to red flags early on, and to enforce stronger boundaries.

[Jolene576]

However, at the same time, he decided to also confess that while they were dating, he had had sex with another girl while doing research in another foreign country.

 

Typo: "while they were dating" should read, "while we were dating"

[Knight2001]

no a divorce is not too extreme. it is appropriate.

get rid of him, make a better life for yourself and move on.

you will be a lot happier.

[SherrySher]

I am so so sorry. You must be so tired from policing this man and checking up on him and always looking over your shoulder and having another blow of another woman.

Is it extreme that you want a divorce? Absolutely not. This man has turned out to be a compulsive liar, he has disrespected you over and over again. He has chased other women. He has not remained faithful and there is no trust left.

No one in their right mind would stay with a partner who has done this to them so many times.

You have tried, you have forgiven,you have given second, third, fourth chances. This man does not appreciate what he has and he never will. He is extremely selfish and you need to free yourself from him now.

Divorce makes perfect sense.

I hope that you do not let this man bring down your self worth or self confidence. I hope you consider seeing a therapist to help you deal with everything that has happened.

I also really do hope you heal from all of this and don't look back. You deserve so much better.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately you seem ok with an open marriage but have kept score of all his indiscretions. Interestingly you seem to hear explicit details about all his quasi-romances from him.

I am not opposed to him having mutual female friends.He also admitted at one point that he realized it was heading in the same direction as the previous problem with the ex girlfriend. I feel I can't trust him anymore.

[Jolene576]

Unfortunately you seem ok with an open marriage but have kept score of all his indiscretions. Interestingly you seem to hear explicit details about all his quasi-romances from him.

 

By friends, I don't mean have an open marriage at all. I just meant I'm not telling him he's never allowed to talk to the opposite sex. I'm not controlling or overbearing. But I have realized through all this that I have to learn to make stronger boundaries. Yes, he has been the one to tell me about the women in the past, however, he also has told me multiple times, "I don't know why I told you that". I can never tell if there are other things he has kept hidden. That's the difficult part. This last girl, I discovered it two different times. I gave him opportunities to discontinue the relationship and yet he persisted. It just seemed he was unwilling to consider my feelings.

[Wiseman2]

Interesting article for you regarding this: "I don't know why I told you that".

Webmd - 10 Ways to Catch a Liar

 

" Too Much Detail

 

"When you say to someone, 'Oh, where were you?' and they say, 'I went to the store and I needed to get eggs and milk and sugar and I almost hit a dog so I had to go slow,' and on and on, they're giving you too much detail," says Berman.

 

Too much detail could mean they've put a lot of thought into how they're going to get out of a situation and they've crafted a complicated lie as a solution."

[Jolene576]

Interesting article for you regarding this: "I don't know why I told you that".

Webmd - 10 Ways to Catch a Liar[/url]

 

This was a really good article. I think I might try some of this. Thanks!

[hyden]

This was a really good article. I think I might try some of this. Thanks!

 

There is no need to try any of this. You already know what you need to know. Divorce him or you are giving him permission to continue this behavior.

[Unreasonable]

I've been there. Been emotionally cheated on many times. We are in an okay place right now but I am pretty sure it will happen again eventually. She hasn't physically cheated on my and I think we both kind of rationalize it as being "not as bad", but it's wearing me down. I feel like I'm facing inevitable doom and that I don't think I could take it again, but I am a very stubborn persistent person.

[YouCanDeleteThisAccount]

Emotional affairs are worse than physical. In my experience, a hidden emotional affair has always led to physical. If you want to go to counseling together, that's a good start, but your watching him and trying to find confirmation of what you already know is true is really your denial stages confusing you with rationalizations of how you may be the one who is wrong.

 

It's better for you to be straight up and tell him what you know and that you are contemplating divorce. He will likely then turn this into somehow being your fault. But if you hold your ground long enough, the apologies will start to appear. That is the beginning of admission to guilt.

 

Only you two can identify if divorce is the answer. But not until you stand your ground and test this back, he will continue with his walking all over you through alternative emotional channels.

 

Best of luck. Hold your values firm. Do not fear doing what you believe is right.