My boyfriend just admitted he had sex with someone almost a year and a half ago?

[florida1995]

Hmm... Okay so as the story has evolved in this thread, I feel inclined to say this is something you cannot work through. (Though nothing's impossible). You started off saying that you two had a fight awhile back, you refused to talk to him so he went out, got wasted and hooked up with someone, but did not tell you until just now because "Things are better than ever."

 

That is VERY different from what you explained further - that actually you asked him 300+ times, cornered him when there was a discrepancy in his story and he eventually cracked and told you the truth.

 

Meaning that you have been suspicious and questioning for the bulk of the time you've been together in the past year and this relationship is NOT actually all that strong. Mainly, you don't trust him - he has now confirmed your fears, which means that anytime he's out, or you two are in a fight, or you have a similar "bad feeling" about how much time he's spending in the future... you are going to assume the worst, question him and start the cycle over and over.

 

For me, cheating is not the end of the world. It can happen once, be a mistake, and really never happen again. But someone deliberately lying to me over and over is not a match for me. In this case, it doesn't sound like he technically CHEATED, seeing as you broke it off and were refusing to see him. But can you maintain a relationship with someone who could lie to you so much before eventually being forced to come clean? And can you stay in a relationship where this is probably always going to be in the back of your mind? It also sounds like you had insecurities about him from the get-go, if you were able to dump him for not spending much time with you.

 

OKAY so I get what you are saying. But everyone is saying since we weren't together he didn't have to technically tell me. Also, yes I asked 300 times but like I told you, he said he was scared that I was going to leave him. And honestly speaking I have NO trust issues right now about him doing anything to this nature to me. He has grown so much since then and we are closer than ever and I know that our relationship is the best it has ever been and I can feel that he's actually grown up and is really in love with me. And when he came clean about all this I told him like I'm serious like I would never break up with you for telling me the truth I just want closure on this situation and I know you did something with this girl, and he told me. He told me he's been wanting to tell me but was just waiting for it to be brought up and for the right time. He says it was the right time because we are closer than ever and he doesn't want any secrets no matter if we were together or not. Do you still feel the same way? Btw this week I think I've been really good with him and really trying to live in the present and I've been pretty happy. Almost relieved honestly that I finally got the TRUTHFUL answer and don't need to spend my time asking him to just TELL ME so we can move on from this.

[ParisPaulette]

Okay, thanks for the clarifications. Stop worrying about how you look or being stupid. I'm going to tell you right now an honest truth - love and fear both make everyone do stupid things. Period. end of story.

 

And in the end looking stupid, being stupid, doing something stupid, none of that matters one-tenth so much as what do you do with the knowledge you gain and move forward with? Should you draw boundaries and tell him if he lies about something serious in the future then it's done and you will dump him? Well, sure that's just common sense. You draw a boundary, you stick by it.

 

But I don't think you're stupid for giving him a second chance. A horrifically toxic person maybe yeah, but he doesn't sound like someone who is majorly toxic or anything. Just young and stupid and thought that sleeping with someone else after a breakup might ease the hurt, only to discover no it doesn't. I think probably at least half of the human race has done that one, me included.

 

So if you can make peace with the past, not hold it over him, and simply move forward with the person who is in front of you now then do that. I'm all for second chances when I think they should be given, which is pretty much for everyone but the very toxic. Third chances, no. I've had my own issues and I've come to decide that for me third chances are a bad idea, a very bad one, because if they couldn't get it right after a second chance it's a pretty good bet they won't after a third.

 

But he's on his second chance, so I say move forward and both of you just focus on more and better communication, honesty, and built the trust from there. Good luck to both of you.

 

P.S. If you find you can't forgive and forget then it will be time to let him go, don't let that drag you down for months and months and don't then think there is something wrong with you either. We all have differing levels of what we will tolerate, different dealbreakers, things we can or can't move past. Everyone is not a cookie cutter, so focus on you and what is best and right for you. In the end that's probably what will steer you down the best path.