What can i expect in the future? Porn interefering

[Familyties]

My question is geared towards individuals or couples who have dealt with porn addiction in their relationship.

 

I have been with my husband for over 10 years, married 5. We have two children. We are best friends and have a really good marriage. The one thing that stands in our way of a great marriage, and even stands to ruin everything at this point, is his use of porn. Pornography (accessible on a personal computer to his hearts' desire) has been a part of his life since his early teens. I was his first real relationship at 21. We have have had many huge arguments about how much he masturbates/ uses porn, throughout the last 7-8 years. There is always a noticeable change in the level of intimacy if he is doing it often (i.e. he can't keep an erection during sex , he never initiates sex). For most of those years, I never thought it was a 'real' problem because it would occur during highly stressful periods or after delivering my children because I couldn't be intimate for long stretches of time. Those periods would lead him to masturbate more often creating a vicious cycle. He started to tell me he wouldn't do it anymore because he knew it did affect our relationship, but he would eventually convince himself that he could control it without having to give it up. In the last year, the arguments have occurred closer together because I notice that he is not 'present' during sex or able to keep it up. I have told him that he needs to seek help because he obviously doesn't have the tools to deal with it on his own (having 'tried' before). He can't stop. He has finally admitted that he is addicted. He realizes that if he does it once, he can't stop there and it becomes excessive to the point that it interferes with our relationship.

 

He knows that I am at the end of my rope with this issue. He is sincerely willing to give it all up to save our marriage. He is seeing a professional and so am I.

 

My question, is whether giving up porn (even though he is choosing to do it) will eventually lead him to fill the void. I don’t want a cheater in 5 years any more than I want this. What can I expect in the future? TIA

[gebaird]

If he finds true healing from his pornography addiction, he won't need to replace it with anything. He'll be content in his marriage and his life. It's a process to get there, though. It won't happen overnight.

[jujusamples]

Don't predict the future or what will happen. Let's look at it from right now. He's willing to seek professional help, it's a good sign. You are also seeking help. Just hope that the best outcome will come out of it. If you don't trust your husband, trust in the professional that is helping him. If he works hard enough at this, you two will overcome it.

 

At this point, just think positive. If you keep thinking negative as in "what if" it could stir up more trouble in the relationship. Just have faith in yourself and your husband right now.

[blindfold]

I think there are several questions you can ask here, some of which you might not like the answer of. 1. Does he have a higher sex drive than you? 2. If so, is the porn his way of making up for the difference in sex drive? Or is it making him give up on you as a sex partner to focus on these solo pursuits? 3. Has he expressed whether he wants anything to change in your joint sex life? I.e. Is he bored with your sex life, does he feel like he's bothering you when he wants sex, do you reject him often and that bothers him?

 

All these questions and probably more need answering. Porn addiction is a thing but it can also be a symptom of a sexual relationship that needs work. We can use porn to "carry us through" a dry spell in a relationship but it should definitely not make us ignore other people and their needs. There are plenty of therapists if he indeed is addicted to it, but I really think that putting too much emphasis on the issue may stress him out even more, which could lead to more porn consumption.

 

Another suggestion is perhaps to integrate porn in you guys' sex life? Some people do that, and it can become your "thing" as a couple and even bring you closer together. Keep us posted.

[ExperiencedDad]

My question is geared towards individuals or couples who have dealt with porn addiction in their relationship.

 

I have been with my husband for over 10 years, married 5. We have two children. We are best friends and have a really good marriage. The one thing that stands in our way of a great marriage, and even stands to ruin everything at this point, is his use of porn. Pornography (accessible on a personal computer to his hearts' desire) has been a part of his life since his early teens. I was his first real relationship at 21. We have have had many huge arguments about how much he masturbates/ uses porn, throughout the last 7-8 years. There is always a noticeable change in the level of intimacy if he is doing it often (i.e. he can't keep an erection during sex , he never initiates sex). For most of those years, I never thought it was a 'real' problem because it would occur during highly stressful periods or after delivering my children because I couldn't be intimate for long stretches of time. Those periods would lead him to masturbate more often creating a vicious cycle. He started to tell me he wouldn't do it anymore because he knew it did affect our relationship, but he would eventually convince himself that he could control it without having to give it up. In the last year, the arguments have occurred closer together because I notice that he is not 'present' during sex or able to keep it up. I have told him that he needs to seek help because he obviously doesn't have the tools to deal with it on his own (having 'tried' before). He can't stop. He has finally admitted that he is addicted. He realizes that if he does it once, he can't stop there and it becomes excessive to the point that it interferes with our relationship.

 

He knows that I am at the end of my rope with this issue. He is sincerely willing to give it all up to save our marriage. He is seeing a professional and so am I.

 

My question, is whether giving up porn (even though he is choosing to do it) will eventually lead him to fill the void. I don’t want a cheater in 5 years any more than I want this. What can I expect in the future? TIA

 

It doesn't leave a void, but rather a sickness that takes years to recover from. The images and urge for it never go away.

 

I turned TO my wife. She is the only remedy and is never lacking for my attention. Sex is the most powerful motivator in men- those not calmed by porn and masturbation.

 

I think a man needs a religious belief to beat it. Mine was the Catholic church and the sacrament of confession. Daily life without porn is a struggle, but worth it. Wives deserve a 100% of their husbands. I'd caution he will need 100% from you, without porn as his crutch.

[Unreasonable]

What kind of frequency are we talking about here? Is this being labeled an "addiction" because he won't/can't stop? After how long of trying? Just because he slips up eventually does not mean he's clinically "addicted", even if that is your particular definition, Also, there can be factors in ED that are not necessarily tied into porn. He could be getting "psyched out" for other reasons.

 

The fact is, lots of men use porn, that includes married men. Even ones who's wives are infuriated or miserable at the very thought. The usual cycle that I've seen, seen many times on this board, is 1) the man uses porn, 2) the wife finds out, 3) starts a hellacious fight, 4) she gets a "I'm sorry dear, it will never happen again", 5) he tries to abstain, genuinely or with uncertainly, 6) eventually slips up. Rinse and repeat.

 

This pattern is common as dirt. Now, what "void" are you talking about? A man's desire for variety? No, that is never going to go away, for most men, anyway. There's a reason why girly mags didn't have the same girl on every page. I won't say it prevents cheating, but I think it can mitigate against it. Utah has the highest porn consumption of any state. It also is near the bottom in cheating. Not saying there's causation there, but there definitely is correlation.

[ExperiencedDad]

Utah has the highest porn consumption of any state. It also is near the bottom in cheating. Not saying there's causation there, but there definitely is correlation.

 

Porn was declared a public health crises in Utah.

 

Turning away from porn doesn't lead to cheating, that's ridiculous. Men daily need to turn to their wives and get out of the adulterous dream world of porn. Porn is cheating, in mind and body. The only difference is no one can get a disease or pregnant.

 

The other issue is children using Dad's computer. Surely any father wants to protect his kids from that.

 

There is nothing good that comes from porn.

 

A man's sexuality needs to be trained for his wife, not for weird stuff on a computer screen. Not bragging, but in 25 years with my wife, never had ED. I'm just a normal guy here... not some high testosterone stud. My wife is beautiful, though.

 

Porn free is the life for me.

[Unreasonable]

Porn was declared a public health crises in Utah.

 

By a Republican Mormon governor, in a state that's pumping out plenty of kids (highest average fertility rate in the nation). Excuse me if I take that with a huge grain of salt. What's the "public health hazard" again, other than than it "thrives in secrecy and silence"? (duh)

 

Turning away from porn doesn't lead to cheating, that's ridiculous. Men daily need to turn to their wives and get out of the adulterous dream world of porn. Porn is cheating, in mind and body.

 

I respect your opinion, but that's what it is, an opinion, not a decree.

 

The only difference is no one can get a disease or pregnant.

 

Those are pretty big plusses.

 

The other issue is children using Dad's computer. Surely any father wants to protect his kids from that.

 

Lock on computer/phone, whatever. Incognito mode. Problem solved.

 

There is nothing good that comes from porn.

 

Lots of people have integrated it into their marriage and enhanced it. I'm not saying it is always good, or that it is always bad. Moderation is the general rule for almost all things.

 

A man's sexuality needs to be trained for his wife, not for weird stuff on a computer screen.

 

Weird stuff? Please. Sex and the human body is not "weird." I'm not saying there isn't "weird" stuff out there, but that is the exception, not the rule.

 

Not bragging, but in 25 years with my wife, never had ED. I'm just a normal guy here... not some high testosterone stud.

 

I think this speaks to your age and furthermore your attitude. Plenty of people watch porn that do NOT have ED problems, and ED problems have a variety of factors.

 

Porn free is the life for me.

 

Great. Good for you. Your life is not a one-size-fits-all package though.

 

P.S. I haven't used porn in a long time, for my own reasons, but I don't have sanctimonious attitude about it either.

[ExperiencedDad]

Unreasonable- you want to actually defend porn on a thread where a woman's marriage could end because of it?

 

You also define sex as that between a man and his computer?

 

You also know more than the state government of Utah?

[Familyties]

As far as i understand, on one level, an addiction is deemed so when the person affected allows it to negatively impact the meaningful things in his/her life (i'm no expert, its just my interpretation i guess). That's where we are. As i mentioned, he allows a cycle of 'overuse' to occur to the point that he can't perform. I know addicts can live fulfilling lives without the substance in question, and yes slips occur and i'm aware of that. I just ask that he be honest about it instead of realizing it mid way through the act. My husband sees pornography as 'entertainment' (a term i hate) so that is the void i am talking about. Its something he enjoys and he is giving up.

[ExperiencedDad]

You should install a content filter to block porn on his computer with you retaining the password. This will help him by removing the temptation. Like any addict, he needs to be kept away from it or the cycle starts over.

 

It is good for a man to live with some degree of pent up sexual frustration. It is unnatural I think that men today are relieving themselves of it. I consider it my "edge" and swear it makes me a better man than I was. I believe it a natural remedy to low T and ED and makes marital relations hotter- my experience. Young men can get away with a lot, but I strongly believe that the older a man gets that the more porn use will hurt his marriage.

[Unreasonable]

Unreasonable- you want to actually defend porn on a thread where a woman's marriage could end because of it?

 

You also define sex as that between a man and his computer?

 

You also know more than the state government of Utah?

 

She asked if it can prevent affairs. I think it can, not that it necessarily will. I think it can satisfy a man's desire for variety (this desire certainly being "a thing" as multiple studies confirm), depending on the man. Then again, there are men that use porn and also cheat. It's fine if you disagree with it, but I also disagree with the one-size-fits-all approach. That's all.

 

IF it is the root cause of his ED, then he should certainly stop. It could be performance anxiety though, and honestly he should check with his doctor.

 

And don't even get me started on Utah. It'll go off the rails and probably get the thread locked.

[Lester]

"My question, is whether giving up porn (even though he is choosing to do it) will eventually lead him to fill the void."

- If by "void" you mean become a good husband..., Yes, but addicted husbands rarely change without the reality of loss.

[johnnydanger]

Wow, all I can say is kudos to you for putting up with this. You are a great woman and wife, and I do hope your husband recovers from this soon.

 

He seems to be a little shamless about it, and doesnt appreciate you tolerate it like this when many women would have kicked his ass to the curb! At least if he was a little more discreet about it, and je4ked off much less frequently, it might help.

 

It sounds like he needs the intervention of a therapist. How about having him put on viagara as a means to invigorate your sex lives? Or will that just turn him into a masturbating madman, I dont know but its worth asking about. I heard viagara is supposed to help longtime couples.

[Familyties]

We are both seeing professionals. I don't think Viagra is necessary. He can perform very well if he is legitimately wanting sex. He just clearly doesn't have a high enough sex drive to have both a sex life and regular masturbation as part of his life.