ConfusedMLE Posted March 21, 2017 Share Posted March 21, 2017 Hi! I'm a newbie to this forum To cut a long story short, my best friend and I met on an online dating site a number of years ago. We began a relationship which never really took off if I'm honest. We both had our own separate issues at the time which just got in the way and took up too much headspace, so I ended it for that reason after a few months. We continued to be very close friends. Best friends. We have both been in other relationships since, all of which eventually broke down. Now we are both single again and for the last year we have been in a constant cycle of flirting... sometimes deciding to give our relationship another go, sometimes deciding to stick to a platonic friendship, even a friends with benefits arrangement. We can never settle for long on one or the other though and it's getting to the point where it's becoming incredibly frustrating. There is definitely chemistry there, I have strong feelings for him (which he knows about) and I'm sure they're reciprocated. He has said so, he's told me he loves me etc. But, again, he is going through a very tough time so I don't want to place any added pressure on him by bringing all of this up. How should I deal with this... wait it out until his issues have resolved (should be another few months yet) or sit down and talk it out? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Billie28 Posted March 21, 2017 Share Posted March 21, 2017 So have you actually tried dating again? Or is this all flirty words that are never followed through with actions? How was your "friendship" while in other relationships? When you say you are close friends, do you mean online interaction or actually meet up often? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ConfusedMLE Posted March 21, 2017 Author Share Posted March 21, 2017 At one point we did officially say we were giving our relationship another try but when he started going through some issues in his personal life (literally a few days later!) he decided he needed to focus more on that than his love life, which I totally understood. We go out as often as we're able to (gigs, the cinema etc) but we're both single parents so that can be a logistical nightmare sometimes! We also see each other in the evening after work a couple of times a week, watching movies or just chatting. Our friendship continued to be pretty solid while we were seeing other people. Obviously we didn't spend our evenings together like we do now we're single but we still regularly took our kids out on day trips, texted etc. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wiseman2 Posted March 21, 2017 Share Posted March 21, 2017 What issues is he having? Is he using that as an excuse to stay in a holding pattern of fwb vs friends? It sounds like he's not ready for relationship so prefers these nebulous arrangements. Why not tell him where you stand as far as exclusive dating and if he's not on the same page, end it. What "commitment" are you looking for? Is he sleeping around?we are both single again and for the last year we have been in a constant cycle of flirting... sometimes deciding to give our relationship another go, sometimes deciding to stick to a platonic friendship, even a friends with benefits arrangement.he is going through a very tough time so I don't want to place any added pressure on him by bringing all of this up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ConfusedMLE Posted March 21, 2017 Author Share Posted March 21, 2017 No, he's definitely not sleeping around. That's just not him. To be honest we haven't slept together often enough for me to think that sex is all he's after... only a handful of times in the last year. It's more like casual flirting every now and again. The only reason I mentioned friends with benefits is because we did discuss it once or twice. The issues he's going through are mostly mental health related, he's under a lot of pressure from his ex making him jump through hoops for access to his son. It's affecting his work, his health etc. When I've managed to get him to open up to me before he's said he feels like he's sinking which is why I'm hesitant to drop all of this on him too. But at the same time I feel I'm ready to burst with it all lol. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wiseman2 Posted March 21, 2017 Share Posted March 21, 2017 Unfortunately it doesn't sound like you are dating, no less in a relationship. Just friends. The ex is still in the picture and he's not interested in anything more than friends.we haven't slept together often enough for me to think that sex is all he's after... only a handful of times in the last year. It's more like casual flirting every now and again. he's under a lot of pressure from his ex making him jump through hoops for access to his son. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ConfusedMLE Posted March 21, 2017 Author Share Posted March 21, 2017 His ex is still in the picture, but not in the way that it may have come across in my last post lol. They have no actual contact, they're going through court for access and doing it all via solicitors. I did say to him outright when this all started that I wasn't sure a relationship was a good idea for him because I felt he wasn't over her at that point. But now, a year later, I know he definitely is. We're not dating right now, it's like we're consistently on the edge of dating but never actually taking that step. I'm ready to move forward but he isn't. I want to wait for him, but I'm also worried that I will have waited for no reason in the end! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Betterwithout Posted March 21, 2017 Share Posted March 21, 2017 You are friendzoning each other until you both get your s*** together. Hopefully this can flourish into something special in the future, it could go either way so be prepared for that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wiseman2 Posted March 21, 2017 Share Posted March 21, 2017 He is heavily involved with the ex and this legal drama. He doesn't want to date, he wants a shoulder to cry on. You are in the friendzone. If he wanted to date you, you would be well aware. Unfortunately you keep saying "we" and using words like "commitment" and "next step", but you are not dating nor a couple.We're not dating right now, it's like we're consistently on the edge of dating but never actually taking that step. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DancingFool Posted March 21, 2017 Share Posted March 21, 2017 You are looking for a relationship he is only looking for companionship. The ongoing vicious battle with his ex is destroying him and understandably so. Like it or not, he is not done with his ex, not in the feelings sense but in the ongoing battle about his child sense and that IS stressful. It would actually be better if him and his ex were actually cordial and on friendly speaking terms. Then he might actually be ready for something with you. However, as it is, what is happening is bleeding him dry mentally, emotionally and financially. Bottom line is that he is not in any kind of shape to get involved with you and give you what you are after and it doesn't look like he will be for a long time to come. Even once the legal battles die down, the relief will not be instant and it will take him a long time to heal and actually be capable of being someone's boyfriend. So, if you like his company and wish to continue the friendship without expectation for more, then carry on. If you cannot and want more, you will need to seeing him so you can get over him and actually start looking elsewhere for a man who is ready and able to give you a relationship. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jujusamples Posted March 21, 2017 Share Posted March 21, 2017 After reading this thread (including the responses) My take on this is the "timing." I think he probably has feelings for you but this is just not the right time for him to start anything. He's got too much going on. Legal issues are one of the most stressful thing ever! I know because I've gone through one myself. It literally stressed me out for the years it went on for. I can't imagine if it's legal battles regarding children, that is even more added stress. That being said, maybe you could just talk to him. Also, at the same time, even if you get into something more with him. Are you willing to accept the fact that his main priorities at the moment is the legal battles for his children? He might be holding off until all of this is settle before starting a relationship. Talk with him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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