Boyfriend acts feminine

[Silverbirch]

I will throw a spanner into the works here and say that I married a guy a bit like that but not so extreme. Like in your situation, I had never met a man like him and certainly, apart from one male colleague who is a friend as well (and in a committed gay LTR).

 

My husband was a great catch in most ways, and I had a lot of happiness with him. I'm not sure if I was exactly like you - he wasn't an embarrassment to me, but there was definitely not the same type of physical relationship I have since had with other men. I was very young and inexperienced when I met him, and uncertain of myself.

 

After we had a child, I knew our relationship wasn't like the stereotypical hetero relationship, and we became unhappy.

 

I left him which was the hardest thing I've ever done. Ten years later, he came out as gay, and is in a committed live-in relationship with another man.

 

To be perfectly honest, from time to time, I regret leaving him. I think if I had stayed, he likely would have remained faithful to me, but I don't think he ever would have been able to love me in the same way that he has loved at least one of his male partners. I'm told he is very happy.

 

The truth is, that so far, more than 20 years later, I have not met anyone who was as good husband material in most ways as him. I am in my 50s now, still get told I'm attractive, and always some guy interested. A few times I thought I would marry again, but those relationships ended in disappointment. My former husband was better in every way than those other men. He also turned out to be a very good father. He did brilliantly in his career, and very well-off financially.

 

People have said, well you couldn't have stayed with him, him being gay, but I know of that English group of Bohemians called "The Bllomsbury Group" where there were all types of non-traditional relationships. That was early 1900s when being a homosexual was a crime which people went to prison for.

 

Like I said though, I don't think my ex-husband was as extreme as you write. The fact that you are so turned off by him would be more a deciding factor. Being really turned off by anything is something you should pay heed to. Right now, some of the men in my town who are interested in me have their yards filled with wrecked cars. I'm turned off by their long hair and unkempt appearances. I could t live with those things though for many other women, car wrecks in the yard and unkempt appearances don't matter.

[reinventmyself]

But instead you found a person whose humanity compliments your humanity and whose personality complements your personality.

 

It's a strange dilemma isn't it. That's a guy who you love and are attracted to and has ways that are feminine.

I think in time you wouldn't even see these things anymore. You would just see and accept him for who he is..as he is.

What may not pass is your worry of what other people think. And that's understandable, I'm not judging that.

I just think it's sad that men in particular cannot be expressive as females are without that being seen as unattractive.

 

I've met very expressive men that communicate much like women do without losing their masculinity.

You can sit and chat with them like they are one of your best girlfriends. They just have that certain capacity.

I don't think she finds him unattractive necessarily, just not attractive in a way that she needs.

 

There is nothing wrong with that. Attraction is very subjective.

[charity]

But I think the OP is attracted to him. She has fallen in love with him actually. She got with him knowing his mannerisms, she fell in love with him and was able to look beyond that. So the attraction to him is not the problem. The problem I think is that other people keep mentioning that he acts feminine which is making her feel its not normal and that is what is turning her off.

[Snny]

I've wondered the same thing, if he's at least bi, but he says no. Of course there are plenty of straight guys who act feminine, and gay guys who act straight, so I know that's not really a good way to tell

I'm bisexual, and I would never be caught dead with the way he's behaving like I jumped out of a Japanese cartoon.

[Unreasonable]

If it's a turn-off and a regular thing, and he can't/won't try to curb it, then yeah, you shouldn't stay - being turned off constantly is a relationship killer.

 

However, I do think that what is "masculine" and "feminine" is subjective. One girl I knew (not a girlfriend) would ridicule me for putting my napkin in my lap when I first got to a restaurant. So effeminate! I never looked at it that way, it was the way I was raised and a particular set of table manners. My parents were etiquette freaks and it rubbed off (I will say I let the elbows on the table thing slide later in life).

[Downton1212]

Thank you for your advice. I like to think that's true, that in time I wouldn't, but I'm unfortunately almost certain that I would. I've never cared for that type of guy, well I mean on a human level I do, but not insofar as me being attracted to one. I appreciate him for who he is, and his good qualities, but it just turns me off in a huge way. I realize too that from the way I wrote my post that people naturally think that this didn't bother me until other people started noticing it. That's not so at all, it bothered me a lot at first, but confirmed to me that he did act that way when others noticed it, and that it wasn't just my imagination. I appreciate your viewpoints, however!

[Downton1212]

Wow, what a hard dilemma! My heart goes out to you. It must have been so difficult to leave him, but you knew that it wasn't what a relationship should be. In a way your leaving him was the kindest thing you've ever done too, because he is free to live as his heart calls him to do. It sounds like he is and was a very good man, and I hope that you find a man like that (but who loves you with all his heart, mind and soul) one day. I will say it's different with this fellow vs. your ex insofar as finances go, because he makes very little money, and I'd have to support him, which I normally wouldn't mind so much, but in this situation it would make the male female dynamics even more weird. I can understand what you say though, about wondering if you'll ever meet someone...best wishes to you!

[Downton1212]

I've met very expressive men that communicate much like women do without losing their masculinity.

You can sit and chat with them like they are one of your best girlfriends. They just have that certain capacity.

I don't think she finds him unattractive necessarily, just not attractive in a way that she needs.

 

There is nothing wrong with that. Attraction is very subjective.

 

Thank you, and you're right. Attraction is subjective, and sometimes fleeting. It can ebb and flow as a tide. There have been times that I've been very attracted to him, but then when something happens, where he displays very (in my opinion) feminine behavior it's such a turn off to me that any attraction is squashed down. At this point I don't think I'll get it back. As far as expressive men, however, yes please, I do love a man who can have a good conversation! That's wonderful, and many men who can do that are very masculine still.

[Downton1212]

But I think the OP is attracted to him. She has fallen in love with him actually. She got with him knowing his mannerisms, she fell in love with him and was able to look beyond that. So the attraction to him is not the problem. The problem I think is that other people keep mentioning that he acts feminine which is making her feel its not normal and that is what is turning her off.

 

Actually it would be easier if that were true, but it's not. I thought he was gay right away, but I pushed those thoughts away, and tried very hard not to focus on that. His mannerisms and behavior did bother me a lot, but I tried to balance that out with the good and wonderful parts of him, and I hoped they would be enough. As time goes on though, and I've seen even more of the feminine behavior that I did at first, I realize that I just can't deal with it, as much as I care for him as a person. It does bother me, somewhat, what other people think, but far more it bothers me what I think, and how I feel when he acts that way.

[Downton1212]

I'm bisexual, and I would never be caught dead with the way he's behaving like I jumped out of a Japanese cartoon.

 

Haha thanks for providing a bit of levity!!

[Downton1212]

If it's a turn-off and a regular thing, and he can't/won't try to curb it, then yeah, you shouldn't stay - being turned off constantly is a relationship killer.

 

However, I do think that what is "masculine" and "feminine" is subjective. One girl I knew (not a girlfriend) would ridicule me for putting my napkin in my lap when I first got to a restaurant. So effeminate! I never looked at it that way, it was the way I was raised and a particular set of table manners. My parents were etiquette freaks and it rubbed off (I will say I let the elbows on the table thing slide later in life).

 

That's too bad about being ridiculed for that! I think having your napkin in your lap is smart, and not a gender thing. That's different than the way a person carries themselves, and expresses themself. I will say that I was a bit in shock (but more of a funny shock) when he and I went to a casual restaurant and he ate his french fries with a knife and fork. I don't think I've ever seen anyone do that before! But I don't think that's a gender thing either. However, squealing, flamboyance, hip wiggling, etc., is, to me at least. Lol about the elbows, yeah me too in later life!