rmo22 Posted March 16, 2017 Author Share Posted March 16, 2017 I'm wondering whose 12 pairs of shoes made it necessary to "share" bags, though. Excuse me? Is there something wrong with each of us having our own suitcase for a month long trip to Europe? I brought 3 pairs of shoes and we had 2 suitcases and 2 backpacks, for the record. You can go now since you've got nothing more to say. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rmo22 Posted March 16, 2017 Author Share Posted March 16, 2017 Next time use separate luggage. They pay their additional charges, you pay yours. However if he's selfish in general then cut your losses. We used separate luggage. Actually, you can get out of here too. Neither you nor j.man were helpful. Nazdrave. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rmo22 Posted March 16, 2017 Author Share Posted March 16, 2017 rmo22, Did you dump Winnie the Jerk already? I'm out of town for a funeral right now but I'll be taking care of it when I return home. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jibralta Posted March 16, 2017 Share Posted March 16, 2017 Awesome! Then maybe you can tell me if his behavior is cultural or if he's just a jerk! I really hate it when people use their cultures as an excuse to act wrong, but it would be good to know if I should avoid this in the future. I live in Chicago which has a massive population of single, good looking Eastern European men. I would lean towards jerk. There were definitely some cultural differences in my relationship. For example, marriage was a priority for him, and it wasn't for me. Also, he really had his sh*t together educationally and career-wise, and I was still kinda like, "hey, maybe I'll go back to school and totally change my career..." His friends, who were generally from Bulgaria and Russia, were the same way. Most of them were married with children (we were all in our late 20s to very early 30s at this point). Almost all of them had built formidable careers in finance or banking. So, there were some differences, but they had more to do with life-goals than personality traits. ETA: I am slowly going through the rest of your thread, and will probably end up adding more to this post. Like this, for instance: "yeah, I don't understand American humor" YES! OMG I fogot all about this (ah, how time whitewashes memory!): My ex-boyfriend always looked for ways to show how Bulgaria (or Europe in general) was superior to the United States. Whether it was speakers, a car, government, it didn't matter. I thought this habit made him look very petty and stupid. I was like, Um, why are you still here? Give back your American masters degrees and go find a job in Bulgaria! Nazdrave. Yes! I remember that! And Dobre means good, Kone means horse.... I know there are some others rolling around in my head.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wiseman2 Posted March 16, 2017 Share Posted March 16, 2017 lol......We used separate luggage. Actually, you can get out of here too. Neither you nor j.man were helpful. Nazdrave. ] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
katrina1980 Posted March 16, 2017 Share Posted March 16, 2017 I just see a woman so obsessed with trying to control another human being that she's willing to perpetually expose herself to a situation that makes you this unhappy. Kinda disturbing. j.man I don't see her as being controlling, more like a women hell bent on trying to make it work with a guy who doesnt want it to work. Sometimes we women can be stubborn, we get attached and it's hard for us to just walk away so easily even when we know we should. Without giving it all we got. So why not give her a break, wiseman too. She loves the guy, come on. And let's face it, he's being an ass. A disrespectful ass. I think she finally gets it though and can now walk with head held high knowing she did all she could to make it work. No regrets. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rmo22 Posted March 17, 2017 Author Share Posted March 17, 2017 j.man I don't see her as being controlling, more like a women hell bent on trying to make it work with a guy who doesnt want it to work. Sometimes we women can be stubborn, we get attached and it's hard for us to just walk away so easily even when we know we should. Without giving it all we got. So why not give her a break, wiseman too. She loves the guy, come on. And let's face it, he's being an ass. A disrespectful ass. I think she finally gets it though and can now walk with head held high knowing she did all she could to make it work. No regrets. Yes, I'm not controlling, but you're right, I am a fighter. I've met very few people in my life willing to fight to save their relationships. I'm not a martyr by any means, but I do see the importance of a partnership that is respectful and considerate on both sides. "The grass is greener on the other side" is such a common mentality when it comes to dating now. Something is less than perfect? Leave. Find something "better." Upgrade. It's out there, I know it, I've seen it in movies. Or I can just play games to avoid responsibility. Compromise? Nope. My way or the highway. Respect? Do everything I want and maybe. Patience? Nah, everything I want should be at the tips of my fingers right now because it's 2017. Empathy? I don't understand and I don't have to because it's your problem, not mine, you deal with it. Selflessness? It better be reciprocated tenfold. Support? I don't make the time or effort for that, I'm too busy being concerned with myself. Most people don't bother to try to come to an agreement or fix anything. Or possibly one person is willing to try, but the other one isn't. It takes two to save a relationship. The vast majority of the people I've dated are single currently for good reason. They keep thinking it's going to be better with someone else, when the problem is them. They're too stubborn to accept the fact that they, themselves, are the problem. I've left the majority of my relationships, however, it's only because the other person wasn't willing to even try anymore. I tried, like I always do. But I'm only 50% in control here. Unfortunately I've run into this situation again. The sad thing is, he was easily the best boyfriend I'd ever had for those first 8 months. What I saw in him was a man who told me I was his princess, gave me gifts and flowers for no reason, cooked for me, took me out, opened doors, told me he loved me and constantly reminded me how beautiful I was, initiated sex and made me feel attractive, told me how lucky he was to have me, marveled at my intelligence...all while just being a really good, educated, hard-working person. It's hard for me to accept that this was all fake, guys. All of the sudden he started to go cold and everything I did for him would go totally unappreciated. It wasn't just a one way street, with just him doing things for me. I also gave him gifts and cooked and did things he just didn't feel like doing. I've asked him to tell me what he wants and what's missing now but he tells me he has no idea. Sometimes he even says he "didn't know I was this person." I ask him to elaborate and he says he doesn't know. He's blaming me and won't tell me why. Everything I say now is met with irritation and frustration. I blamed myself for "clearly doing something wrong," but at some point I realized that I was just digging in quick sand. If he isn't going to help me get out of it, I can't make him. But I truly believe that whatever he won't do, another guy will. He will likely kill every future relationship he's going to get into and think it's her fault. Funny because he said so many times that he wants to get married, but he has no clue how to be a spouse. He's nearly 40 and he just never figured it out...unfortunately I can't change that. I'm so ridiculously ready for a ring on my finger so...it's time to move on. Again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JoyfulCompany Posted March 17, 2017 Share Posted March 17, 2017 rmo22, Sorry to hear about the funeral. I hope you're doing okay! I doubt he was faking it. It seems he's been infatuated and maybe even in love. But it's inevitable to get upset or irritated with your partner sometimes. And if you're unable or refuse to communicate it, that negativity builds up and with time you get cranky and cold. Maybe he just lacked introspection. Some people won't take responsibility for their own emotions and feelings not out of pure spite but because that's unknown territory for them. They are more prone to explore and operate with their rationality, be it their character or the way they were brought up. And some people are the opposite of that. I won't categorize this feature as male or female because I've seen both in different sexes. Everyone lives by their own experience and in their own headspace. Thus, it's very easy to feel justified and to blame the other. And that's why it's important to communicate in order to synchronize your version of the truth with your partner's. So, I would vote for incompatibility in your case. He may not ruin his every relationship, depending on who's on the other side of it. I would assume - someone that's easy-going and a bit submissive, who would be happy to follow. And maybe you'll be better off with someone who is more willing to reflect on things and share them with you. I would just leave a note, not addressed to you personally. Sometimes to fight for a relationship means letting go of certain arguments. Like really letting go, not sweeping them under the rug. Fight but choose your fights - that's to you, to me and to everyone. Наздраве! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Applewhite Posted March 18, 2017 Share Posted March 18, 2017 It's not about the honey or the heavy bag or anything like that. It's about the fact that he felt entitled to make that decision on his own without a discussion and take for granted that she has to agree to every whim of his. Furthermore even if it was an absent minded mistake (which is very forgivable), he is not someone capable of discussing it so that it can be resolved - he escalates it and gaslights her in the process. Even worse is that this incident isn't isolated and there is repetitive behavior where he feels entitled and superior. Unacceptable. I do suspect culture plays a role, but regardless of if it's culture, genes, personality etc - it's not something you should have to deal with or fix. Not all men are like this. And j.man and "wise"man - shame on you for some of your comments honestly... I don't even know what to say. but dear "men" (is it a coincidence you both have MAN in your username...Hmmm... just a funny observation ) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Person1001 Posted March 19, 2017 Share Posted March 19, 2017 What I learned from mistakes when dating, you shouldn't have to say anything that bothers you more then once. If a person truly cares for you, they will respond after one time and make effort. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
himynameisslim Posted March 19, 2017 Share Posted March 19, 2017 The guy sounds like an insensitive . I would just end it.I also wouldn't listen to jman or most of wise's advice. Time to move on. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
j.man Posted March 20, 2017 Share Posted March 20, 2017 So why not give her a break, wiseman too. She doesn't love the actual guy. She loves who she thinks she can control him into becoming. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
East4 Posted March 20, 2017 Share Posted March 20, 2017 I don't know what happened 2 months ago, but this was a guy who once sent me 2 dozen roses to my office to surprise me, cooked me candle lit dinners, told me constantly how much he loved me...now this. Rmo fell in love with the kind and attentive man her BF pretended to be in the beginning of her relationship. Nothing to do with control, or if there's an issue of control this is her BF controlling her by shutting her down. J.man is projecting his own fears onto this thread. No wonder he is not even buying a ring to his future wife, either too stingy, or too afraid to show that his fiancée matters to him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
j.man Posted March 20, 2017 Share Posted March 20, 2017 Rmo fell in love with the kind and attentive man her BF pretended to be in the beginning of her relationship. Nothing to do with control, or if there's an issue of control this is her BF controlling her by shutting her down. J.man is projecting his own fears onto this thread. No wonder he is not even buying a ring to his future wife, either too stingy, or too afraid to show that his fiancée matters to him.Words hurt, East. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rmo22 Posted March 21, 2017 Author Share Posted March 21, 2017 Words hurt, East. Well, that's an interestingly hypocritical joke. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JaggerJim Posted March 21, 2017 Share Posted March 21, 2017 Well from what I've learnt, if your trying to change, and he isn't, then it's not worth saving. If your going out of your own way to try and talk to him, and to change certain behaviours, hoping for a better outcome, and all he does is keep behaving in the same way, and never changing his own behaviour, then it's dumpsville. I see no other way sorry. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rmo22 Posted March 21, 2017 Author Share Posted March 21, 2017 She doesn't love the actual guy. She loves who she thinks she can control him into becoming. I love him. When I leave him, I will still love him. My heart will break for the "man" I thought he was. What I don't love however, is a man who begins mistreating me due to simply seeing me as being lesser than him for being female. What I don't love, is blatant sexism, selfishness and disrespect. Sounds like you and him are likely much the same. Very good at missing the point and picking small, irrelevant details out of a story, taking them out of context and trying to blow them up into a big, made-up situation to avoid having to acknowledge the actual problem. This is the exact same defense mechanism he uses to protect his pride and ego. Also likely very good at blaming others for your own mistakes. Wouldn't want to be mature and take responsibility for ourselves, now would we... I find it odd that you seem to be taking this so personally. Hmm... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rmo22 Posted March 21, 2017 Author Share Posted March 21, 2017 Well from what I've learnt, if your trying to change, and he isn't, then it's not worth saving. If your going out of your own way to try and talk to him, and to change certain behaviours, hoping for a better outcome, and all he does is keep behaving in the same way, and never changing his own behaviour, then it's dumpsville. I see no other way sorry. You are correct. It's unfortunate how people can so easily hide who they really are... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rmo22 Posted March 21, 2017 Author Share Posted March 21, 2017 It's not about the honey or the heavy bag or anything like that. It's about the fact that he felt entitled to make that decision on his own without a discussion and take for granted that she has to agree to every whim of his. Furthermore even if it was an absent minded mistake (which is very forgivable), he is not someone capable of discussing it so that it can be resolved - he escalates it and gaslights her in the process. Even worse is that this incident isn't isolated and there is repetitive behavior where he feels entitled and superior. Unacceptable. I do suspect culture plays a role, but regardless of if it's culture, genes, personality etc - it's not something you should have to deal with or fix. Not all men are like this. And j.man and "wise"man - shame on you for some of your comments honestly... I don't even know what to say. but dear "men" (is it a coincidence you both have MAN in your username...Hmmm... just a funny observation ) Thank you, this comment was the exact point i was trying to make. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rmo22 Posted March 21, 2017 Author Share Posted March 21, 2017 rmo22, I would just leave a note, not addressed to you personally. Sometimes to fight for a relationship means letting go of certain arguments. Like really letting go, not sweeping them under the rug. Fight but choose your fights - that's to you, to me and to everyone. Наздраве! Amazing advice, thank you!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
j.man Posted March 21, 2017 Share Posted March 21, 2017 I love him. When I leave him, I will still love him. My heart will break for the "man" I thought he was. What I don't love however, is a man who begins mistreating me due to simply seeing me as being lesser than him for being female. What I don't love, is blatant sexism, selfishness and disrespect. Sounds like you and him are likely much the same. Very good at missing the point and picking small, irrelevant details out of a story, taking them out of context and trying to blow them up into a big, made-up situation to avoid having to acknowledge the actual problem. This is the exact same defense mechanism he uses to protect his pride and ego. Also likely very good at blaming others for your own mistakes. Wouldn't want to be mature and take responsibility for ourselves, now would we... I find it odd that you seem to be taking this so personally. Hmm...There's only one thing I've taken personally and that's when I was 18 and someone called me out on having long nose hairs. I'll never forget. And I understood the point of my thread. "My boyfriend sucks, someone give me a 'mhmmmmmm gurrrrrl.'" And I mean, fair play, you got plenty of 'em. What I don't love however, is a man who begins mistreating me due to simply seeing me as being lesser than him for being female. What I don't love, is blatant sexism, selfishness and disrespect.So I'm right. Thank you. Please ask East34 to apologize for crushing my feelings. I haven't gotten out of bed since. You think I'm posting to be an ass, and while I'll sleep just fine if that never changes, I'm really not. The sooner you can realize you're in love with either a) the simple concept of the relationship or b) who you admit yourself "you hope to change him" into, the sooner you'll discover you're in fact not in love with the man you're actually in a relationship with. Once you can do that, you'll free up so much more of your life from ***holes rather than taking them on as some sort of project that simply needs to hear a shrill voice on occasion to fix. If your guy was posting on here, I'd be glad to let to offer him some candid feedback. But he's not, and you're the only person you can "hope to change." Start by stopping the practice of "hoping to change" others. Best of luck. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rmo22 Posted March 21, 2017 Author Share Posted March 21, 2017 There's only one thing I've taken personally and that's when I was 18 and someone called me out on having long nose hairs. I'll never forget. And I understood the point of my thread. "My boyfriend sucks, someone give me a 'mhmmmmmm gurrrrrl.'" And I mean, fair play, you got plenty of 'em. So I'm right. Thank you. Please ask East34 to apologize for crushing my feelings. I haven't gotten out of bed since. You think I'm posting to be an ass, and while I'll sleep just fine if that never changes, I'm really not. The sooner you can realize you're in love with either a) the simple concept of the relationship or b) who you admit yourself "you hope to change him" into, the sooner you'll discover you're in fact not in love with the man you're actually in a relationship with. Once you can do that, you'll free up so much more of your life from ***holes rather than taking them on as some sort of project that simply needs to hear a shrill voice on occasion to fix. If your guy was posting on here, I'd be glad to let to offer him some candid feedback. But he's not, and you're the only person you can "hope to change." Start by stopping the practice of "hoping to change" others. Best of luck. Yeah, unfortunately for you I guess, he isn't here to refute my statements. Although I'm sure if he was, he'd go off on a tangent about something totally unrelated to the topic to avoid having to address anything I said. See, the point of the thread wasn't to get people to agree with me. It was to get an outsider's perspective on whether or not the problem was me. The general consensus seems to be that the problem is him, but it doesn't really matter because if communication is impossible...well what can you do? Is there a better way for me to bring things up or are we incompatible? I didn't come here to be chastised. I came for good advice, which I got. I'm not hoping to change him. I hoped to find an effective strategy to somehow relate to his way of thinking. He just isn't the guy he pretended to be. Most people have a bit of a guard up initially in new relationships, but I've never encountered such a false persona before. There's nothing that can be done if this is who he really is. The thing is, you're gaslighting me in the exact same way he does. I'm not a teen who is naive, new to dating and doesn't notice these things. Can you show me where I said I wanted to change him? EVERYONE knows men don't change...but they can hide who they really are. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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