I can't communicate with my boyfriend.

[vesper]

What are you going to do! Please share with us!!

[Wiseman2]

It's time to tell him it's not working.

We hardly have sex, he never says he loves me and he's just cold to me all the time. He's very impatient and unkind to me. There are snide remarks almost daily.

[Hollyj]

I'm not nagging and I'm not whining. I'm in a relationship with someone who is disrespectful to me and I hoped to change that. You can read the comments if you want to see. All but two people here heard and understood what I said. You might be a lot like him, perhaps...in which case, you won't understand. That's ok.

 

But, why would you try to change someone who os disrespectful to you? Why wouldn't you just leave?

[rmo22]

I just see a woman so obsessed with trying to control another human being that she's willing to perpetually expose herself to a situation that makes you this unhappy. Kinda disturbing.

 

Well, you'd be incorrect. What a nasty thing to say by the way...wow. I think everyone deserves respect from their partners. If you're not getting it, fix it, if you can't, leave. I'm 27 and not getting any younger. I fail to see how asking him for respect is me "trying to control him." What's disturbing is the fact that you think I should just roll over and silently deal with being treated wrong. I tried to fix it, I couldn't, so I came here for advice to see what was wrong. The general consensus here has indicated that I should leave. Sometimes you can't fix it.

[rmo22]

But, why would you try to change someone who os disrespectful to you? Why wouldn't you just leave?

 

I will. Thanks to all for your help.

[rmo22]

What are you going to do! Please share with us!!

 

I'm done. All advice was appreciated here. I deserve better.

[rmo22]

It's time to tell him it's not working.[/quote

 

Yep, you'd be right about that.

[ParisPaulette]

It's not a cultural thing. I know people bring that up along with everything else under the sun, moon and stars to try to excuse someone's bad behaviors, but the bottom line is a lack of respect is just a lack of respect. And bad behaviors are just that, bad behaviors. He sounds unbending and yes condescending and sexist with the quips about cleaning.

 

I would break it off and find someone who knows what respect is. And that's not a cultural thing, it's a human thing. You either understand that you love and respect and work through issues with your partner or you don't. And whatever the excuse may be fore that it is still, at the end of the day, just an excuse.

 

This guy sounds selfish and self-centered. Time to admit it's not working, because he is who he is, period. Move on, find better. Part of dating and relationships is to find someone you can get along with who does fit well with you. And yes, that can take some time and the willingness to say goodbye to the wrong ones. "Stop it" used over and over like that makes it sound like he's scolding a puppy, not really trying to have a relationship that is a two-way street.

 

No, you aren't wrong to say to yourself, "This is not what I signed up for," and leave.

[rmo22]

It's not a cultural thing. I know people bring that up along with everything else under the sun, moon and stars to try to excuse someone's bad behaviors, but the bottom line is a lack of respect is just a lack of respect. And bad behaviors are just that, bad behaviors. He sounds unbending and yes condescending and sexist with the quips about cleaning.

 

I would break it off and find someone who knows what respect is. And that's not a cultural thing, it's a human thing. You either understand that you love and respect and work through issues with your partner or you don't. And whatever the excuse may be fore that it is still, at the end of the day, just an excuse.

 

This guy sounds selfish and self-centered. Time to admit it's not working, because he is who he is, period. Move on, find better. Part of dating and relationships is to find someone you can get along with who does fit well with you. And yes, that can take some time and the willingness to say goodbye to the wrong ones. "Stop it" used over and over like that makes it sound like he's scolding a puppy, not really trying to have a relationship that is a two-way street.

 

No, you aren't wrong to say to yourself, "This is not what I signed up for," and leave.

 

Thank you very much. Yes, I'm going to find my exit strategy now and break up with him when I see him next. It's time to end it.

[East4]

Lol, rmo you got lucky that your Bulgarian BF decided on your behalf only with regards to honey purchase. In my case my Bulgarian ex-husband decided on my behalf that I would be OK to give birth to our son all alone, while he moved to another country to build his career. He "completed" his spousal duties by moving me (8 month pregnant) in with his mother, so that she could help with the child rearing.

 

The Bulgarian culture is extremely macho and sexist, where men feel superior to women and expect to be served by women only because they are born with a half a pound more flesh between the legs. The explanation for that is historical: it wasn't long ago (in 1877-1878) that Bulgaria liberated from the dominance of the Ottoman empire. The Ottoman empire rule lasted for 5 centuries, which is an extremely long time and although Bulgarians are Slavic nation, their culture has soaked all the double standards and inequalities, typical for the oriental cultures. On top of this, as from 1944 to 1989 Bulgaria was a communistic country, which in a way was good because it gave women equal opportunities in the work place. But when we talk about intimate relationship and family; there are still oriental manners. As a result, Bulgarian men expect women to work hard in the business and be a good breadwinner, and at home they expect the woman to be their servant, despite from the fact that she has worked 10-12 hours in the office/factory. We have a saying that "the best apples are eaten by the pigs", meaning that only a woman who is a saint can put up with narcissistic, macho and often lazy men. Well, Bulgarian women are quite saintly.

 

I'm Bulgarian too but live in Western Europe for the last 12 years. I would never be in relationship with a compatriot, unless it is just a fling, because Bulgarian men are only good for one thing-they are normally well bestowed down there and their machismo makes them confident lovers. Apart from that I personally find them annoying, arrogant and self-serving.

 

As for him being romantic in the beginning-this is their normal act to get you hooked. Once they feel they have done the job to secure your affection, then they drop the facade and show you your place-in the kitchen, and picking up their socks and dirty laundry.

 

If you want a glimpse into the psyche of a typical Bulgarian man and how he treats his girlfriend, please read the thread of the user "bbogdanov". Very illustrative read. He treated his girlfriend like sh*t for years, and when she finally had enough and dumpped his a$$, he felt entitled to her forgiveness, was harassing her (showing unannounced at her work place), and what I lastly read from him, now he's feeling like a victim and putting the blame on his ex-gf for being a cold-hearted b**ch, because she refuses to pay attention to him anylonger.

 

I would discourage any healthy western woman to get in relationship with a Bulgarian man, unless she is very hard working, submissive, humble and patient, i.e. a saint.

[rmo22]

Lol, rmo you got lucky that your Bulgarian BF decided on your behalf only with regards to honey purchase. In my case my Bulgarian ex-husband decided on my behalf that I would be OK to give birth to our son all alone, while he moved to another country to build his career. He "completed" his spousal duties by moving me (8 month pregnant) in with his mother, so that she could help with the child rearing.

 

The Bulgarian culture is extremely macho and sexist, where men feel superior to women and expect to be served by women only because they are born with a half a pound more flesh between the legs. The explanation for that is historical: it wasn't long ago (in 1877-1878) that Bulgaria liberated from the dominance of the Ottoman empire. The Ottoman empire rule lasted for 5 centuries, which is an extremely long time and although Bulgarians are Slavic nation, their culture has soaked all the double standards and inequalities, typical for the oriental cultures. On top of this, as from 1944 to 1989 Bulgaria was a communistic country, which in a way was good because it gave women equal opportunities in the work place. But when we talk about intimate relationship and family; there are still oriental manners. As a result, Bulgarian men expect women to work hard in the business and be a good breadwinner, and at home they expect the woman to be their servant, despite from the fact that she has worked 10-12 hours in the office/factory. We have a saying that "the best apples are eaten by the pigs", meaning that only a woman who is a saint can put up with narcissistic, macho and often lazy men. Well, Bulgarian women are quite saintly.

 

I'm Bulgarian too but live in Western Europe for the last 12 years. I would never be in relationship with a compatriot, unless it is just a fling, because Bulgarian men are only good for one thing-they are normally well bestowed down there and their machismo makes them confident lovers. Apart from that I personally find them annoying, arrogant and self-serving.

 

As for him being romantic in the beginning-this is their normal act to get you hooked. Once they feel they have done the job to secure your affection, then they drop the facade and show you your place-in the kitchen, and picking up their socks and dirty laundry.

 

If you want a glimpse into the psyche of a typical Bulgarian man and how he treats his girlfriend, please read the thread of the user "bbogdanov". Very illustrative read. He treated his girlfriend like sh*t for years, and when she finally had enough and dumpped his a$$, he felt entitled to her forgiveness, was harassing her (showing unannounced at her work place), and what I lastly read from him, now he's feeling like a victim and putting the blame on his ex-gf for being a cold-hearted b**ch, because she refuses to pay attention to him anylonger.

 

I would discourage any healthy western woman to get in relationship with a Bulgarian man, unless she is very hard working, submissive, humble and patient, i.e. a saint.

 

Благодаря ти много. I am so sorry that happened to you. I can't imagine many things worse than being abandoned by your husband while pregnant, but your post has brought me some comfort in knowing that I'm not married to him nor am I pregnant. He did mention once that he thinks he should never have to change a diaper nor even lift a finger when he has a child. He believes the female should do everything. He said it like he was joking and this was when we first began dating. I actually brushed it off and forgot about it until just now. I can only imagine the anguish I'd likely be in if I had a child with a man like him. I don't know if you read the early comments, but I also mentioned that he once said that "women are born instinctively wanting to clean things and pick up after people." I freaked about that one and he said he didn't mean it like that. I'm not sure how that could be interpreted another way though. I called him sexist and he denied it, while continuing to give me examples of his friend's wives (and even his own mother) who "don't join in on the social gatherings going on in their homes because they are too busy cleaning up after dinner." He stated that this is how women should behave. Why not just admit you are sexist if you are?

 

Thank you for your advice. I will be sure to steer clear of Bulgarians from now on and I will check out that guy's thread!

 

EDIT: He isn't well endowed at all actually! Very...below average. His member...well...let's just say it doesn't do anything for me...at all.

[East4]

Благодаря ти много. I am so sorry that happened to you. I can't imagine many things worse than being abandoned by your husband while pregnant, but your post has brought me some comfort in knowing that I'm not married to him nor am I pregnant. He did mention once that he thinks he should never have to change a diaper nor even lift a finger when he has a child. He believes the female should do everything. He said it like he was joking and this was when we first began dating. I actually brushed it off and forgot about it until just now. I can only imagine the anguish I'd likely be in if I had a child with a man like him. I don't know if you read the early comments, but I also mentioned that he once said that "women are born instinctively wanting to clean things and pick up after people." I freaked about that one and he said he didn't mean it like that. I'm not sure how that could be interpreted another way though. I called him sexist and he denied it, while continuing to give me examples of his friend's wives (and even his own mother) who "don't join in on the social gatherings going on in their homes because they are too busy cleaning up after dinner." He stated that this is how women should behave. Why not just admit you are sexist if you are?

 

It is exactly the line (in bold) that ticked me off, hence my post. I didn't want to comment because hey, im Bulgarian and do not want to embarass my compatriots.

All his sexist behavior comes naturally and automatically to him, he is not doing this on purpose to hurt you specifically, he will be like that with every woman he will date. But then when you point out that this were sexist remarks, he becomes defensive because he knows that it looks bad in modern western societies.

 

You know there are at least 3 exceptions to every rule, im sorry you got one of these exceptions-the teeny-weeny one

 

From my dating experience, and of course a huge generalisation, that nevertheless hold some merit, in terms of dating men from different origin:

 

1. Bulgarians-sexists, retrograde, narcissistic. Not good;

2. Americans (USA) had experience with 3, one of them dated for 2 years-they are always looking for an upgrade, too concerned with money and how they look in the eyes of others, rather than live by internal values. Commitment is a huge problem to American men, as if you are asking them to pull a tooth without anesthésies.

3. Western Europeans-the best compromise I have found thus far. They are respectful to women and especially the younger generation fully live by equal rights/equal responsibilities mantra.

 

Thanks for your kind words. I still had a healthy lovely baby son that I hope I raised well.

[JoyfulCompany]

Haha, I'm a Bulgarian, too, and still live here.

 

Hence all my boyfriends have been Bulgarian. I can partially agree with East4 of the oriental mindset kinda prevailing here.

Uh, and especially for the bbogdanov's case.

 

But! Crossing them all out as immature sexist bastards is not objective, nor helpful, no. I don't have a problem that being someone else's truth, of course, but it's definitely not mine. This surely is a long topic. Sweet people you can find everywhere. As well as bitter a**holes. Ç'est la vie!

 

My point is, don't put your instincts to sleep just because you're getting rid of the lousy Bulgarian.

You will need them in case you find yet another type of rare gem... be it from a different country.

[JoyfulCompany]

Uh, rmo22, where is my mind?!

I thought I already answered to your question and was just adding up my Bulgarian comment but now I see I answered to you only in my head, sorry about that!

 

You've made the absolutelly right choice to dump the douche. No, his behavior was not acceptable. The unwillingness to resolve your interpersonal issues together itself is a ticket to a miscommunication hell.

To me it's not a red flag. It's a no-no.

Uh, I must admit that a lot of what you've described I've seen in my family (score for East4, I guess) - inconsideration, too much pride, twisting words...

 

The honeymoon phase... or in your case - the 10 kilos honey incident...

To me the honeymoon phase comes and goes but the initial one in my experience wears off around 2 years, I would say. By that point a relationship must've become very serious - including spending a lot of time together or even living together, either way - getting in it's own rut. Still at 10 months should be pretty damn hot, full with trust, attraction, excitement, adventures, sex, love. If it's going good...

The honey accident, however, was awful! And a bit funny. If you tell me you went to visit Bulgaria and his folks and this happened, I'll be rolling on the floor. Now this would have been sooooo Bulgarian...

 

Anyway, don't second guess yourself. Let go of that dysfunctional relationship and go get yourself into a happy one!

Good luck!

[Wiseman2]

Jerks come in all flavors.

[JoyfulCompany]

]

 

Ahhh, those yummy jerks...

But we ain't eatin' the honey jerk no more, for sure!

[rmo22]

The honey accident, however, was awful! And a bit funny. If you tell me you went to visit Bulgaria and his folks and this happened, I'll be rolling on the floor. Now this would have been sooooo Bulgarian...

 

Anyway, don't second guess yourself. Let go of that dysfunctional relationship and go get yourself into a happy one!

Good luck!

 

Ha, we were in Bulgaria visiting his family actually lol. He had all 10 kilos sent to his parents house. It was waiting for us when we got there.

 

The conversation was as follows:

"I'd like to get this for my sister I think..."

"No, we won't have space."

"How? We took 8 bottles of liquor with us from the US and gave it all away."

"I'm bringing back 10 kilos of honey."

"Uh...what? You're just joking, right?"

"Nope."

"Well can you bring back less so I can bring a gift or two?"

"No, I already ordered it. It's done."

"...Are you serious?"

"Ok you need to stop it. Just stop it."

 

Him deciding things on my behalf has been a recurring issue. We've talked about it, it doesn't change. He's looking out for himself and that's it, but he doesn't see it that way and feels that because HE doesn't think it's wrong, he shouldn't have to apologize or change. He's always going to look out for himself and no one else. I just wish I didn't have the misfortune of wasting time on him only to find out that he's actually just a selfish jerk. He never used to be like this. Oh well.

[JoyfulCompany]

Hahahhahahha, I knew it!

So 10 kilos of precious honey flew above the Atlantic ocean??? Please, have mercy on me, tell me it's not produced by his family or relatives or at least - close family freinds... but it probably is, isn't it?

 

Every time I visit my hometown:

(prior going, on the phone)

"Do you want a jar of honey?"

"No, mom, thanks but I still have a full one."

"Okay."

 

Mom has cooked 2-3-4 of my favorite meals and I've eaten like a piggy.

(upon departuring)

"Mom, I brought a small backpack, I'm not taking back any food with me, there's not enough space."

"You can leave some of the clothes here, I'll wash them and I'll send them to you later."

"No, mom, I won't take food."

"Just a portion, so you have something to eat tonight."

"No, it's okay. I have something in my fridge plus the grocery store works till 10pm."

"Why wasting money when there's so much food here?"

"I'll be fine."

"Okay... but, please take this bag with wallnuts... and I cracked some hazelnuts, too." (both from our garden)

"Okay, I'll take the nuts but nothing more."

"I found the last jar of ljutenica in the cellar, don't you want it?" (she knows I cannot say 'no' to that)

"Okay, I'll take it but that's it!"

"We bought a few-kilos-tin-box of these very tasty olives, we cannot eat them all up with your father, I've prepared a package for you."

"(sigh) Thanks, mom!"

"Oh, and could you bring a jar of honey to your brother, he has finished all of his... And a package of olives for him, too. And I've prepared a bottle of water, a banana and a waffle for your bus ride..."

...

 

 

Sorry for destroying your topic. I hope that you at least had some fun.

I can send you something from here, if you want to, since you weren't able to take away anything. As a reminder not to let anyone treat you wrong anymore.

(I promise I won't send honey jars!)

 

P.S. These 10 months were not wasted. Some lessons just take more time to be learnt. Oh, well. Head high!

[rmo22]

Hahahhahahha, I knew it!

So 10 kilos of precious honey flew above the Atlantic ocean??? Please, have mercy on me, tell me it's not produced by his family or relatives or at least - close family freinds... but it probably is, isn't it?

 

Every time I visit my hometown:

(prior going, on the phone)

"Do you want a jar of honey?"

"No, mom, thanks but I still have a full one."

"Okay."

 

Mom has cooked 2-3-4 of my favorite meals and I've eaten like a piggy.

(upon departuring)

"Mom, I brought a small backpack, I'm not taking back any food with me, there's not enough space."

"You can leave some of the clothes here, I'll wash them and I'll send them to you later."

"No, mom, I won't take food."

"Just a portion, so you have something to eat tonight."

"No, it's okay. I have something in my fridge plus the grocery store works till 10pm."

"Why wasting money when there's so much food here?"

"I'll be fine."

"Okay... but, please take this bag with wallnuts... and I cracked some hazelnuts, too." (both from our garden)

"Okay, I'll take the nuts but nothing more."

"I found the last jar of ljutenica in the cellar, don't you want it?" (she knows I cannot say 'no' to that)

"Okay, I'll take it but that's it!"

"We bought a few-kilos-tin-box of these very tasty olives, we cannot eat them all up with your father, I've prepared a package for you."

"(sigh) Thanks, mom!"

"Oh, and could you bring a jar of honey to your brother, he has finished all of his... And a package of olives for him, too. And I've prepared a bottle of water, a banana and a waffle for your bus ride..."

...

 

 

Sorry for destroying your topic. I hope that you at least had some fun.

I can send you something from here, if you want to, since you weren't able to take away anything. As a reminder not to let anyone treat you wrong anymore.

(I promise I won't send honey jars!)

 

P.S. These 10 months were not wasted. Some lessons just take more time to be learnt. Oh, well. Head high!

 

Bahahaha no his family doesn't make the honey, but Bulgarians don't like the honey here in the states so it must be imported I guess. I laughed at the walnut thing too. Oh yes, the walnuts. His mom sent us back with walnuts, dried peppers (because who doesn't love postni chuski), homemade rakia, some kind of green poisonous plant stuff that's used to make a food and is apparently very good for you, silverware (?), like a hundred of those martenitsa bracelets and I WISH we could have brought ljutenica (also from the cellar, of course, next to the kompot) because I could eat that stuff all day long. I also miss banitsa, (which his mom actually taught me how to make His family was great, actually. They spoke no English so no weird conversations with the boyfriend's family, and wow they wouldn't stop feeding me. They tried to send us back with more food than that but our bags were literally about to pop (and so was my stomach). I have no issue with his family members, they really were wonderful. I just don't know how he ended up being such a jerk lol. But on the bright side, I would have missed out on all that Bulgarian food if not were him.

 

Thanks for the offer to send me something lol but the items weren't what I was upset about. It was purely his lack of caring!!!

[Wiseman2]

Next time use separate luggage. They pay their additional charges, you pay yours. However if he's selfish in general then cut your losses.

I just wish I didn't have the misfortune of wasting time on him only to find out that he's actually just a selfish jerk. He never used to be like this.

[j.man]

Next time use separate luggage. They pay their additional charges, you pay yours. However if he's selfish in general then cut your losses.

I'm wondering whose 12 pairs of shoes made it necessary to "share" bags, though.

[JoyfulCompany]

Since I'm still riding that cultural wave...

j.man, we have a saying here for situation like your last comment.

Literally translated, it would sound something like "You are looking for the calf under the ox".

It means you're being petty and are looking for an argument where there isn't any. Cheers!

[j.man]

Since I'm still riding that cultural wave...

j.man, we have a saying here for situation like your last comment.

Literally translated, it would sound something like "You are looking for the calf under the ox".

It means you're being petty and are looking for an argument where there isn't any. Cheers!

I always find what I'm looking for.

 

]

[JoyfulCompany]

Very nice but you didn't trick me!

The postcard says "MUSK OX COW".

 

And, even if it didn't:

"Both male and female muskoxen have long, curved horns."

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[JoyfulCompany]

rmo22,

Did you dump Winnie the Jerk already?