reinventmyself Posted March 13, 2017 Share Posted March 13, 2017 Well, he seems to be nice to them...but he has a certain attitude about them in general. Like they belong at home cooking and cleaning and changing diapers. The other night he went out with some friends to a "Hooters-like" restaurant and when I said I wasn't too thrilled to hear that men in relationships still like going to those places, he said men in relationships still like looking at skin. Barf. Obviously I'm not an idiot and I know this, but it was still gross to hear it out loud from my own boyfriend. He's also been on Facebook and instagram liking pictures posted of alllll sorts of girls. I haven't addressed any of this, and don't think I will at this point, but he never used to do this. I don't think he has a very good attitude about women, but you can make your own decision on that I think. To me, he seems to objectify them fairly easily. I asked because I married someone from a different culture. Though born in raised in the US, the family matrix ran very deep and though I believed him to be westernized in every way, after several years of marriage his true attitude slowly spilled through. I say run. . honestly. If you are seeing this 10 months in, then you are just seeing the beginning of a life you probably aren't prepared for. You don't have communication problems with this man, he simply sees women in a one down position. That's why he doesn't respect anything you have to say. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hollyj Posted March 13, 2017 Share Posted March 13, 2017 I guess you're right. He wasn't like this for so many months so I guess maybe I thought since he'd been a good guy, that's maybe who he was. But nothing has happened in his life (that I know of) that would make him flip a switch like this. I've always found that once relationships start to go south, there no saving them. I can't say I didn't try I suppose. Seems like the general consensus here is "leave." Strangers usually do give the best advice, oddly enough. I guess I know what I have to do. That's called the 'honeymoon period,' when people are at their best. He could not pull you in, by being a jerk. This is who he is. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rmo22 Posted March 13, 2017 Author Share Posted March 13, 2017 That's called the 'honeymoon period,' when people ar at their best. He could not pull you in, by being a jerk. This is who he is. 8 months just seems like a long time for a honeymoon period. It's possible, but wow did he pull an unexpected 180 on me. In the past, this has usually happened after just a couple of weeks to not more than 3 months. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
reinventmyself Posted March 13, 2017 Share Posted March 13, 2017 8 months just seems like a long time for a honeymoon period. It's possible, but wow did he pull an unexpected 180 on me. In the past, this has usually happened after just a couple of weeks to not more than 3 months. 6 months to year for me. That's when I see what I really have signed up for. (never weeks) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rmo22 Posted March 13, 2017 Author Share Posted March 13, 2017 I asked because I married someone from a different culture. Though born in raised in the US, the family matrix ran very deep and though I believed him to be westernized in every way, after several years of marriage his true attitude slowly spilled through. I say run. . honestly. If you are seeing this 10 months in, then you are just seeing the beginning of a life you probably aren't prepared for. You don't have communication problems with this man, he simply sees women in a one down position. That's why he doesn't respect anything you have to say. Yes, I think you're right. I blamed myself for our issues but lately I've been seeing him as the problem. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WithLove Posted March 13, 2017 Share Posted March 13, 2017 Yes, I think you're right. I blamed myself for our issues but lately I've been seeing him as the problem. Don't make the mistake of not taking any responsibility for it not working, though. It takes two people to make a relationship, but it also takes two people to break it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wiseman2 Posted March 13, 2017 Share Posted March 13, 2017 Sex?...... If he's uninterested in 100% of everything I say, why is he here? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rmo22 Posted March 13, 2017 Author Share Posted March 13, 2017 Sex?...... Well, we aren't doing that so... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rmo22 Posted March 13, 2017 Author Share Posted March 13, 2017 Don't make the mistake of not taking any responsibility for it not working, though. It takes two people to make a relationship, but it also takes two people to break it. It takes two people to want it to work though too. I think I've done everything I can to save this. If he doesn't want to respect me, I really can't make him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
j.man Posted March 13, 2017 Share Posted March 13, 2017 Honestly, given the mundane context of the examples you've given, I'm not convinced it might not be you kinda whining too much (bag was too heavy. Nothing ended up happening. OK...?). And it doesn't matter how diplomatic you think you approach it, raising stinks over things that don't merit it is emotionally exhausting. Maybe the communication is difficult because you're "communicating" too much. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WithLove Posted March 13, 2017 Share Posted March 13, 2017 It takes two people to want it to work though too. I think I've done everything I can to save this. If he doesn't want to respect me, I really can't make him. Yep, very correct, but perhaps your thing to take responsibility for is letting it fester for 2 months and not confronting him (and accepting his lack of concern) sooner. Also, not trusting your intuition. I think you posted on here already knowing your answer. I'm sorry about that. It sucks. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wiseman2 Posted March 13, 2017 Share Posted March 13, 2017 Unfortunately he sounds too blunt for you and doesn't communicate on the same wavelength. But does he have to agree with every opinion you render in order for you to feel "heard"? To be honest it sounds like he just isn't that into you.I said I wasn't too thrilled to hear that men in relationships still like going to those places, he said men in relationships still like looking at skin. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rmo22 Posted March 13, 2017 Author Share Posted March 13, 2017 Honestly, given the mundane context of the examples you've given, I'm not convinced it might not be you kinda whining too much (bag was too heavy. Nothing ended up happening. OK?). And it doesn't matter how diplomatic you think you approach it, raising stinks over things that don't merit it is emotionally exhausting. Maybe the communication is difficult because you're "communicating" too much. Yeah, the bag wasn't too heavy, but I wasn't able to bring back things from the trip for my family members due to this decision. This was the issue. He did something that only benefited him, without considering what would happen to me. This was selfish. Plain and simple. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rmo22 Posted March 13, 2017 Author Share Posted March 13, 2017 Unfortunately he sounds too blunt for you and doesn't communicate on the same wavelength. But does he have to agree with every opinion you render in order for you to feel "heard"? To be honest it sounds like he just isn't that into you. Wise, you normally give really good advice. I've seen you on these forums before. I don't think you've read everything here. The questions you're asking me lead me to believe you skipped a lot of the original post and the comments as well. That's fine, it's a lot to read, but I'm just repeating myself here. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rmo22 Posted March 13, 2017 Author Share Posted March 13, 2017 Yep, very correct, but perhaps your thing to take responsibility for is letting it fester for 2 months and not confronting him (and accepting his lack of concern) sooner. Also, not trusting your intuition. I think you posted on here already knowing your answer. I'm sorry about that. It sucks. I confronted him many times. It just didn't do any good. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hollyj Posted March 13, 2017 Share Posted March 13, 2017 Honestly, given the mundane context of the examples you've given, I'm not convinced it might not be you kinda whining too much (bag was too heavy. Nothing ended up happening. OK...?). And it doesn't matter how diplomatic you think you approach it, raising stinks over things that don't merit it is emotionally exhausting. Maybe the communication is difficult because you're "communicating" too much. Is the yelling and insulting OK? How about the comments about women and housework? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hollyj Posted March 13, 2017 Share Posted March 13, 2017 OP, You know what you need to do. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wiseman2 Posted March 13, 2017 Share Posted March 13, 2017 Is this how you approach him? That there isn't enough attention to detail or things are offered that do not jibe with your expectations? Of course at 10 mos in you've seen and heard enough of his attitude to decide whether to cut you losses or not. He kind of sounds like a lot of work, no? I don't think you've read everything here. The questions you're asking me lead me to believe you skipped a lot of the original post and the comments as well. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rmo22 Posted March 13, 2017 Author Share Posted March 13, 2017 Is this how you approach him? That there isn't enough attention to detail or things are offered that do not jibe with your expectations? Of course at 10 mos in you've seen and heard enough of his attitude to decide whether to cut you losses or not. He kind of sounds like a lot of work, no? Well, you're not my boyfriend...and you're asking questions I answered already. But yes, both you and he seem to miss key details in things I say that everyone else here seems to grasp just fine. Yes, he's a lot of work. He's become exhausting. Like someone else already mentioned, I know what I have to do. It's going to be over very soon here. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
j.man Posted March 13, 2017 Share Posted March 13, 2017 Instead of nagging and whining and getting upset it's getting you nowhere, find another guy who's a better fit. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wiseman2 Posted March 13, 2017 Share Posted March 13, 2017 Agree. It's just not a good fit.Instead of nagging and whining and getting upset it's getting you nowhere, find another guy who's a better fit. ] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
vesper Posted March 13, 2017 Share Posted March 13, 2017 Why are you staying with him then? If has caused you so much grief? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rmo22 Posted March 13, 2017 Author Share Posted March 13, 2017 Instead of nagging and whining and getting upset it's getting you nowhere, find another guy who's a better fit. I'm not nagging and I'm not whining. I'm in a relationship with someone who is disrespectful to me and I hoped to change that. You can read the comments if you want to see. All but two people here heard and understood what I said. You might be a lot like him, perhaps...in which case, you won't understand. That's ok. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rmo22 Posted March 13, 2017 Author Share Posted March 13, 2017 Why are you staying with him then? If has caused you so much grief? Just the last 2 months he has. I know what I need to do. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
j.man Posted March 13, 2017 Share Posted March 13, 2017 I'm not nagging and I'm not whining. I'm in a relationship with someone who is disrespectful to me and I hoped to change that. You can read the comments if you want to see. All but two people here heard and understood what I said. You might be a lot like him, perhaps...in which case, you won't understand. That's ok.I just see a woman so obsessed with trying to control another human being that she's willing to perpetually expose herself to a situation that makes you this unhappy. Kinda disturbing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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