KMO7970 Posted March 8, 2017 Share Posted March 8, 2017 Hi everyone, just wondering if anyone else out there has been through this. I became good friends with a Muslim guy (34) last year. I am a non-practicing Christian female (37). After a fairly long friendship that turned into, sadly, a rather short relationship, he suddenly broke up with me, stating that it was for family and religious reasons only. He told me that his family would disown him if he married someone of a different faith, that he could never make me happy because he wouldn't be happy being cut off from his family, and that he was doing this for both of our futures. We had a great, loving, and mutually fulfilling relationship. I'm finding it near impossible not to take it personally. If he loved me enough, he would fight for me, right? Can religion and family truly be the only reasons to end an otherwise great relationship? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
j.man Posted March 8, 2017 Share Posted March 8, 2017 Cases like this are a dime a dozen. Not meant as a knock on Islam but the religion as a whole lacks the "casual" crowd we're more accustomed to. It's very much a way of life, very similar to observant Jews. I mean think about how many Christian + Atheist couples end up not working out when Sunday service is the only ritual being factored in. You rolled the dice against some pretty stacked odds. The cultural divide is just as much a risk as it is an allure. Again, not saying it can't or shouldn't happen. Just keep yourself grounded in the reality that you're most likely not going to be the exception to the rule. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
arjumand Posted March 8, 2017 Share Posted March 8, 2017 Yes, because you are completely diminishing how culture and religion are central to many people's lives. They often define who they are and their everyday lives. Just because your religion is not of great importance to you, you should not assume everyone is the same as you. Also, how many more non-Muslim women need to go through this exact same scenario? I feel like we get the same posts every week. If you are dating an even somewhat observant Muslim man there is practically no chance he is going to be with you long term. Really, none. And even some who appear secular are not going to give up their families to marry a non-Muslim woman, it is not worth it to them, and when they think about having children, they cannot imagine raising their children with a different kind of woman in a different environment, and that is their right. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Snny Posted March 8, 2017 Share Posted March 8, 2017 I became good friends with a Muslim guy (34) last year. I am a non-practicing Christian female (37). After a fairly long friendship that turned into, sadly, a rather short relationship, he suddenly broke up with me, stating that it was for family and religious reasons only. Uh yea, you should take it personal. This guy strung you along. At age of 34, he damn well knew he wouldn't marry a woman outside of his culture. In Islam you are expected to convert or are just a piece of exotic meat. His excuses are pathetic- he's using his culture as a convenient excuse to break up with you after getting what he wants. Sorry, but I am hearing too many stories of guys who practice Islam pulling this behavior. There seems to be this trend by similar posts such as this. Also, how many more non-Muslim women need to go through this exact same scenario? I feel like we get the same posts every week. Because in their culture, women are oppressed and treated as second class citizens. Guys can F* whoever they want and receive hardly any consequences. This behavior among men is acceptable in their society. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Clio Posted March 8, 2017 Share Posted March 8, 2017 You shouldn't take it personally. He would have done the same to any non-Muslim woman. However, deep down he knew how this was going to end up. He knew that he is not willing to marry a non-Muslim, so effectively he wasted your time. Drop him and never look back. You dodged a bullet. When it comes to certain cultures, family and religion can indeed be the only reasons to end a relationship. Do not underestimate this again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Matt3939 Posted March 8, 2017 Share Posted March 8, 2017 Could have been worse. You could have been married to your husband. Then Jim jone's on meth could have come got you out of your hut and had sex with you with his elvis glasses. You can't compete with God why even try. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dahl Posted March 8, 2017 Share Posted March 8, 2017 Could have been worse. You could have been married to your husband. Then Jim jone's on meth could have come got you out of your hut and had sex with you with his elvis glasses. You can't compete with God why even try. Matt, I'm sincerely delighted to have come across you. I really am. OP, speaking strictly about family, yes, absolutely that is incredibly important and influential to me, and to my partner, as well. I think that if for some dreadful reason I can't rightly imagine just now, I or our relationship somehow meant that he would lose contact with his family, he would feel he had no alternative but to not let that happen. I can't think that I would stop him because it would truly be unbearable for him to slog through his days separated from them all. I love him with everything that I have in me to possibly love my partner and I feel confident that he believes the same. Even if he would be willing to, I could not agree. To not be there for his parents, who are getting older, to not be part of his siblings and their partners lives, all of whom he is genuinely close friends with, to be ostracized from his neices and nephews - he would be in abject misery. If it helps to look at it this way, you care for this person. I'm sorry that you're hurting. But I wager there's a part of you that would never want to see someone you care for suffer such a loss for any reason. I wish you luck. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KMO7970 Posted March 8, 2017 Author Share Posted March 8, 2017 I know that was part of the problem: how secular he appears. He drinks, has had premarital sex before, has a ton of American friends and tends to do American things. He has voiced many times that he doesn't like the marriage traditions of his culture and that he refuses to marry out of force. We put off the idea of dating for a while because of our religious differences, but then he felt he was strong enough to go for what he wants vs what he feels is appropriate for his family and religion. Sadly, family and religion won. While I can't say I blame him, it does really hurt. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dahl Posted March 8, 2017 Share Posted March 8, 2017 I'm really sorry. I think that you are being incredibly generous of spirit to try to understand his motivation. I'm in no way condoning what he's done to you, not at all. I just wanted to help if my input helps give you a way to possibly not internalize his actions. I really don't think that it's you. But I appreciate that doesn't help how lousy you feel due to the situation and his behavior. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KMO7970 Posted March 8, 2017 Author Share Posted March 8, 2017 Thank you, Dahl, your responses have definitely been helpful. All of the responses on here (except Elvis Glasses Guy) have been helpful. It's certainly an unfair world we live in. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wiseman2 Posted March 8, 2017 Share Posted March 8, 2017 Yes it can in this case. Believe him. He doesn't want to string you along any more. He will have an arranged marriage to a virgin Muslim woman in her 20s after he sows his wild oats with nonbelievers. a rather short relationship, he suddenly broke up with me, stating that it was for family and religious reasons only. He told me that his family would disown him if he married someone of a different faith.Can religion and family truly be the only reasons to end an otherwise great relationship? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KMO7970 Posted March 8, 2017 Author Share Posted March 8, 2017 Well, I guess it's good that he didn't string me along for very long, then. It's just so sad that BS like this exists. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JaggerJim Posted March 8, 2017 Share Posted March 8, 2017 I think you have to be born in his country too. I think it's the whole package Country, faith, religion. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KMO7970 Posted March 8, 2017 Author Share Posted March 8, 2017 Eh, who the hell knows? All I know is it's comforting to see that this sort of thing happens all the time and we heal from it. Enjoying this high point of my emotional roller coaster right now, haha Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wiseman2 Posted March 8, 2017 Share Posted March 8, 2017 Agree. Actually you dodged a bullet and were able to cut your losses. This isn't about you at all. You were just caught in the crossfire of this cultural phenomenon, sad indeed.Well, I guess it's good that he didn't string me along for very long, then. It's just so sad that BS like this exists. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KMO7970 Posted March 8, 2017 Author Share Posted March 8, 2017 Just having the reassurance that this isn't about ME being not good enough, pretty enough, etc is what helps the most. I had no idea that that kind of close-minded judgment and shunning of their own children is what my ex meant when he said, "walking away from his family." Still, it's hard to get past the "I'm not worth fighting for" thoughts that keep creeping in. Ugh. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wiseman2 Posted March 8, 2017 Share Posted March 8, 2017 Listen, he would have turned down a nonbeliever super model eventually if he is scheduled for a Muslim arranged marriage. You can't argue with traditions that are thousands of years old and carry this much weight within thier communities.Just having the reassurance that this isn't about ME being not good enough, pretty enough, etc is what helps the most. I had no idea that that kind of close-minded judgment and shunning of their own children is what my ex meant when he said, "walking away from his family." Still, it's hard to get past the "I'm not worth fighting for" thoughts that keep creeping in. Ugh. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KMO7970 Posted March 8, 2017 Author Share Posted March 8, 2017 Touché, Wiseman2, touché. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fudgie Posted March 9, 2017 Share Posted March 9, 2017 I agree with the others. You dodged a bullet. Girl, you could be a total 10/10 model, with 3 PhD degrees, and be funnier than Louis CK and he would still dump you down the road for an arranged marriage to a Muslim woman with the personality of a turnip and the body to match. See, Your qualities and traits don't matter in this case. For many religious people, it's so ingrained and the idea of straying from that is just unthinkable. It has nothing to do with love or affection. Please do not take this personally. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Snny Posted March 9, 2017 Share Posted March 9, 2017 I had no idea that that kind of close-minded judgment and shunning of their own children is what my ex meant when he said, "walking away from his family." Welcome to Islam. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KMO7970 Posted March 16, 2017 Author Share Posted March 16, 2017 OP here again, just having a difficult moment. I'm 8 days into NC, which feels good. I don't think about him constantly anymore, which is also good, and I'm impressed with my level of healing less than 2 weeks after the breakup. Sometimes it's just hard, though, when I think about how good of friends we were. He and I both agree that we need a break before attempting to start over as friends, but I wonder if the break is more for me or for him. I know some of you have written that I was used, etc, but I really don't believe I was. Still, it hurts that I wasn't fought for, you know? Then again, I guess the right guy is one who WOULD fight for me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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