Why did I not hear back from a guy I went out with?

[notalady]

Perhaps. Thanks for your views! I think we all have predefined, set ways of what we like and how we like it, and what should happen next. You are saying that I should have more flexibility and not control the situation as closely. Perhaps. But then I wouldn't be able to say "look, I did all I could with this guy, or in this situation". And I might have regrets. Knowing that I didn't do all I could with the people I really like, is somehow unsettling to me. i like to think that I am in control and that things also depend on what I do or don't do.

 

"I did all I could", I think that is great if you're trying to achieve some goal in life. But relationships and dating are sometimes "do less is more". Doing all one could is very subjective. It doesn't mean trying to control a situation. You are in control... of you. Not of someone else or of the situation. You are in control of how you handle a situation and how you react and respond, and that contributes significantly to the outcome of the situation, but you can't control the situation itself because other people are involved, and they too, are in control... of their part in the situation.

 

By telling people who to behave, you're not giving them the chance to show you who they really are and not giving them the chance to just be themselves around you. If they can't be themselves around you, they won't want to be around you at all.

 

I also don't see how you telling someone you only met a few times to change something about themselves is in any way "doing all I could", it's just controlling. If someone I just met a few times told me I needed to change the way I communicate (something that is so basic and fundamental) in order for us to go on another date, that would've been a red flag for me. I would've told them no thanks, if you don't like it, there's no point in going on another date.

[blueowl32]

notalady always speaks such wise words!

[notalady]

notalady always speaks such wise words!

 

Awww...thanks blueowl

[Broomwood]

So I contacted the guy with some innocuous line "Hey, how is it going? ..Great weather for biking .." His response wasn't enthusiastic initially, and it seems like he's just being polite. Still I asked him out indirectly, "I plan to go climbing but should't ask you, your hands will have enough corns" (he's biking abroad). He, "they have just about recovered. I'll bath them in surgical solution for a month before I attempt bouldering again". Me, "Haha. You make me laugh as ever". He, "You have a pretty new profile pic".. I didn't respond anything to that yet. Shall I just say 'thank you He doesn't seem interested, and i should leave it at that.

 

Notalady, you have scored a point! Your and JaggerJim's argued that the guy is not interested. Well done.

[Broomwood]

"I did all I could", I think that is great if you're trying to achieve some goal in life. But relationships and dating are sometimes "do less is more". Doing all one could is very subjective. It doesn't mean trying to control a situation. You are in control... of you. Not of someone else or of the situation. You are in control of how you handle a situation and how you react and respond, and that contributes significantly to the outcome of the situation, but you can't control the situation itself because other people are involved, and they too, are in control... of their part in the situation.

 

By telling people who to behave, you're not giving them the chance to show you who they really are and not giving them the chance to just be themselves around you. If they can't be themselves around you, they won't want to be around you at all.

 

I also don't see how you telling someone you only met a few times to change something about themselves is in any way "doing all I could", it's just controlling. If someone I just met a few times told me I needed to change the way I communicate (something that is so basic and fundamental) in order for us to go on another date, that would've been a red flag for me. I would've told them no thanks, if you don't like it, there's no point in going on another date.

 

Notalady, I received your message. Thank you. It feels not unlike being scolded by a class teacher in the first grade. What do you do for a living by the way?

 

I am trying get to the substance in your words despite the initial discomfort with the presentation style. I will think about what you're saying.

[notalady]

So I contacted the guy with some innocuous line "Hey, how is it going? ..Great weather for biking .." His response wasn't enthusiastic initially, and it seems like he's just being polite. Still I asked him out indirectly, "I plan to go climbing but should't ask you, your hands will have enough corns" (he's biking abroad). He, "they have just about recovered. I'll bath them in surgical solution for a month before I attempt bouldering again". Me, "Haha. You make me laugh as ever". He, "You have a pretty new profile pic".. I didn't respond anything to that yet. Shall I just say 'thank you He doesn't seem interested, and i should leave it at that.

 

Notalady, you have scored a point! Your and JaggerJim's argued that the guy is not interested. Well done.

 

Well, if you want to try ask him out, be more direct. "Would love to meet up again when you're back". I would ignore the comment on your new profile pic. If he doesn't answer directly to that question, I'd write him off and move on.

[Broomwood]

Well, if you want to try ask him out, be more direct. "Would love to meet up again when you're back". I would ignore the comment on your new profile pic. If he doesn't answer directly to that question, I'd write him off and move on.

 

Thanks! Well, not having any replies here I replied to his comment on my picture. "Thanks and good night. Have fun rides tomorrow". I guess I wanted to be sweet. As he's far from stupid or lacking self confidence, if he's interested, he'll get back to me. I won't ask him out directly, it's just not my style.

 

But thanks again for your views on my futile and inappropriate reforming efforts. In hindsight I should not have done it. Miss his wit, he's the funniest guy I know.

[mustlovedogs]

In my opinion, your responses come off as passive and uninterested (in him, when you text him). If I were him, I would be writing you off as disinterested. Just my two cents - if you're into him, I say go for it.

[Ms Darcy]

So I contacted the guy with some innocuous line "Hey, how is it going? ..Great weather for biking .." His response wasn't enthusiastic initially, and it seems like he's just being polite. Still I asked him out indirectly, "I plan to go climbing but should't ask you, your hands will have enough corns" (he's biking abroad). He, "they have just about recovered. I'll bath them in surgical solution for a month before I attempt bouldering again". Me, "Haha. You make me laugh as ever". He, "You have a pretty new profile pic".. I didn't respond anything to that yet. Shall I just say 'thank you He doesn't seem interested, and i should leave it at that.

 

I agree that he doesn't seem interested. Whether you feel there is anything to learn from the situation or not, it doesn't really matter anymore.

[Broomwood]

In my opinion, your responses come off as passive and uninterested (in him, when you text him). If I were him, I would be writing you off as disinterested. Just my two cents - if you're into him, I say go for it.

 

In your opinion as a male? Being passive is what females do - I don't want to be actively chasing this guy. Already to text him myself and indirectly suggest doing an activity together, being sweet, is enough to show interest. Go for it means what? Text him again and say "I want to see you when you are back"?

[Batya33]

In your opinion as a male? Being passive is what females do - I don't want to be actively chasing this guy. Already to text him myself and indirectly suggest doing an activity together, being sweet, is enough to show interest. Go for it means what? Text him again and say "I want to see you when you are back"?

 

No need to actively chase or be passive - women aren't passive in dating even if they never ask a man out during the early dating stage - there are many ways of actively showing interest. I think showing interest in another person is essential, whether for friendship or dating. I might if I were you ask him out only because you definitely gave him signals you weren't interested and indeed critical of him.

[mustlovedogs]

In your opinion as a male? Being passive is what females do - I don't want to be actively chasing this guy. Already to text him myself and indirectly suggest doing an activity together, being sweet, is enough to show interest. Go for it means what? Text him again and say "I want to see you when you are back"?

 

Ha! I am female.

 

Don't say being passive is what females do. You can do whatever you want. I believe we are beyond the time of designating gender behavior. If I like a guy, I reach out.

 

Don't do all this indirect stuff. I mean you can if you want. But I have never met a guy who says "I'm glad my wife plays games and does indirect communication, it makes my life easier and re assures me that she's a woman"

[Broomwood]

No need to actively chase or be passive - women aren't passive in dating even if they never ask a man out during the early dating stage - there are many ways of actively showing interest. I think showing interest in another person is essential, whether for friendship or dating. I might if I were you ask him out only because you definitely gave him signals you weren't interested and indeed critical of him.

 

Ok, Betya and Must've dogs, what do I say exactly? He didn't bother replying to my sweet little text last night when I thanked him for the compliment on my pic and wished him goodnight.

 

I can't possibly imagine asking him out after he hasn't bothered responding. It'll hurt my pride. Ouch. But so what can I do active as a female? Can you give me some suggestions on how to actively show interest in a guy, just for my education, if not for this case. Thanks!

[mustlovedogs]

You said goodnight right? That ends the conversation. I wouldn't let your ego feel hurt here, I think not replying is fairly normal.

 

What I would do... and I'm not saying this is right... is maybe find an event nearby you want to do. The zoo near me is celebrating the birth of a cute baby giraffe so my example text may say something like "have you seen the news about Dobby? He is so cute. Would you like to go see him this weekend? I'm thinking Saturday at 11"

[Wiseman2]

Did he mean dating site profile? Like 'you're out fishing again but I'm not biting'. It may be best to let this guy drop.

He, "You have a pretty new profile pic".. He doesn't seem interested, and i should leave it at that.

[Batya33]

Ok, Betya and Must've dogs, what do I say exactly? He didn't bother replying to my sweet little text last night when I thanked him for the compliment on my pic and wished him goodnight.

 

I can't possibly imagine asking him out after he hasn't bothered responding. It'll hurt my pride. Ouch. But so what can I do active as a female? Can you give me some suggestions on how to actively show interest in a guy, just for my education, if not for this case. Thanks!

 

Active -just show interest by the way you talk and listen and flirt, go to places where you enjoy the activity and meet people -go up to people and start conversations (women too since they can introduce you to available men). Nothing to do with being female or male. Only difference is when I dated it worked better for me with the types of men I was into (somewhat more traditional, wanting marriage and family, typically felt flattered- but uncomfortable/turned off by a woman who did more of the asking out) to let them take the lead in asking me out especially in the beginning but I always actively showed interest (except when he wasn't asking me out or planning dates - then he didn't get the privilege of my companionship/talk, etc - but if there was a time/place planned for our next date we also talked by phone, etc - back then I didn't have a cell phone but did use email/instant messenger -stopped dating in 2005).

[Andrina]

As far as this guy goes, you two aren't meshing. I know how that goes. I went out with a guy about 3 times and was really turned on by his brain. He was so interesting and clever and really amused me. Unfortunately, I couldn't get really comfortable around him. I felt like I was under a microscope. He noticed, and he explained how yes, on the first date, he'd think, "Could I really spend the rest of my life with this person?" In my mind, that's not what the first date is. It's about if there's chemistry and if you enjoy each other's company and then take it day by day.

 

With you two, there is constant miscommunication and discomfort. Sometimes, you have to admit that oil and water can never mix no matter how long you try to shake them together.

 

For a future potential partner, after a guy asks you out three times, then it would no longer be about you chasing him if you asked a guy out for a 4th date. At that point and thereafter, there should be equal effort. Why should a guy keep making plans? That gets old, and the person planning is usually the one paying. You need to plan fun things, pay half the time, and get in a rhythm of treating and other, in not a for tat way, but somewhat equal, and also going dutch.

 

When I met my future husband, we developed a comfort level over a few hour period within meeting. It was great to feel that way, versus dating others who grated on me, or I felt too nervous with, or when something didn't seem quite right and I couldn't pinpoint it. Your pool of men to choose from seems very large so you're lucky that you can keep going as your are until it seems right. Take care.

[Broomwood]

Did he mean dating site profile? Like 'you're out fishing again but I'm not biting'. It may be best to let this guy drop.

 

Nah, it's the whatsapp picture

[Broomwood]

So guys, I did it! Thanks so much for encouraging me to ask him in a direct and straightforward fashion. Betya33 and Mustlovedogs, especially you, guys!!

 

Anyways, I texted again, "Hey, when are you back in town? Would you like to go out for a meal or do something active? I don't know in what capacity and all, I just want to see you again". I felt like I wanted to add the last sentence, for I really don't want to put him in any box just yet.

 

He, "Hi, this is my non work phone with a better international tariff. Back on Sunday, but then have a friend from Canada staying with me for a week. 7pm Friday the 17th works for me. Then I 'm away skiing for a few days".

 

It was quite unnerving to have to open his message, I must say. But happy he wants to meet. Although not sounding especially keen, he offered concrete day and time, not like "yeah, we can meet sometime", and seems to have offered me the first available opportunity.

 

So I said, "Great! Next Friday works for me too. Can you think of what to do, and I will do too."

 

Pretty neat.

[Batya33]

Time and place means he's interested in meeting you for a date. I don't see where you need more especially when it's typed and you can't tell tone.

[Broomwood]

Time and place means he's interested in meeting you for a date. I don't see where you need more especially when it's typed and you can't tell tone.

 

Sure, you're right, he's a guy. I guess I am expecting a response of girlfriend, "Hey, great to hear from you! Sure, I'd be up for it!.. " and so on.

[Broomwood]

As far as this guy goes, you two aren't meshing. I know how that goes. I went out with a guy about 3 times and was really turned on by his brain. He was so interesting and clever and really amused me. Unfortunately, I couldn't get really comfortable around him. I felt like I was under a microscope. He noticed, and he explained how yes, on the first date, he'd think, "Could I really spend the rest of my life with this person?" In my mind, that's not what the first date is. It's about if there's chemistry and if you enjoy each other's company and then take it day by day.

 

With you two, there is constant miscommunication and discomfort. Sometimes, you have to admit that oil and water can never mix no matter how long you try to shake them together.

 

For a future potential partner, after a guy asks you out three times, then it would no longer be about you chasing him if you asked a guy out for a 4th date. At that point and thereafter, there should be equal effort. Why should a guy keep making plans? That gets old, and the person planning is usually the one paying. You need to plan fun things, pay half the time, and get in a rhythm of treating and other, in not a for tat way, but somewhat equal, and also going dutch.

 

When I met my future husband, we developed a comfort level over a few hour period within meeting. It was great to feel that way, versus dating others who grated on me, or I felt too nervous with, or when something didn't seem quite right and I couldn't pinpoint it. Your pool of men to choose from seems very large so you're lucky that you can keep going as your are until it seems right. Take care.

 

Thank you, Andrina, to take the time to write me a proper reply and share your experience. I am not sure, I agree with you on the discomfort part with him. I feel very comfortable around him. Too comfortable maybe. We get each other instantly, and the chemistry is good. Two main hurdles with him are a) my own insecurity because he seems to posses every bloody quality a man is supposed to posses. He's selling the company he's built over the years, and a number of millions he's going to get from the sale is too many, so he will be giving away most of it to the charity. He's so handsome and so clever and so funny and witty. So I think, but what do I have to offer him? Why did he choose me, there are plenty of women more beautiful and successful. The second one is that he doesn't ask me enough questions about myself, and doesn't seem to want to know me on a deep level. Our conversations are always about some other things. He's also super confident of himself and spoilt, I feel. The kind of life he led before is sports cars, hanging out with models and boating in St Tropez. In the last few years has ditched all of this, stopped drinking entirely, drives modest cars, and is much more down to earth and humble guy, but some of it is still lingering there.

 

Although we did manage to have some deep conversations, and I felt like waw, I can totally connect to this guy on a deep level. This is why I reached out to him after I didn't hear back from him after our last date.

[mustlovedogs]

Good work!! I'm proud of you

[Batya33]

Sure, you're right, he's a guy. I guess I am expecting a response of girlfriend, "Hey, great to hear from you! Sure, I'd be up for it!.. " and so on.

 

Nothing to do with gender. It's texting so he confirmed time and place and that means he is interested in making a specific plan to see you.

[notalady]

Great to hear you agreed on a date. I get the sense he's not too keen because he put so much disclaimer around what else he's doing, that he'll be so busy with friends then going away again. So...I wouldn't be surprised if he cancelled closer to the date. If so, you'll know he's not interested. Or if he acts lukewarm on the date. But otherwise, wait and see!