wonderboy1986 Posted March 27, 2017 Author Share Posted March 27, 2017 So, a little update. My fiancé and I were set to attend a wedding where we'd be spending time with her ex. I've been concerned because she still initiates contact with him every few weeks or so (the last time was about two weeks ago to tell him about a local event she thought he'd enjoy) but a day or two before the wedding my fiancé said she didn't want to go anymore (it was planned to attend up until this point). Is it reasonable to assume that if she still had a romantic interest in him she'd have jumped at the chance to see him (bar a few hi's in the street, the first meeting in about 15 months)? Can I take her reluctance to attend as a good sign? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted March 27, 2017 Share Posted March 27, 2017 I dunno. Not enough information. How do you know he didn't change his mind about going to the wedding? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wonderboy1986 Posted March 27, 2017 Author Share Posted March 27, 2017 I dunno. Not enough information. How do you know he didn't change his mind about going to the wedding? He went. She took a look at the wedding pics on fb and he was there. I kind of don't know if she didn't go because she didn't WANT to see him, or if because she DID, and that's awkward. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notalady Posted March 27, 2017 Share Posted March 27, 2017 I would take it as a bad sign that she still texts him every couple of weeks. That's just me. And yes it's very odd behaviour to cancel her wedding attendance last minute. No I would not take it as a good sign. I would speculate it's because she doesn't want to see him attend with a date or she doesn't want seeing him to stir up old feelings, or both. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boltnrun Posted March 27, 2017 Share Posted March 27, 2017 I think she didn't want you to see how she reacted to him. And despite your wishes, she continues to try to keep herself in his life. Yeah, I know, she hasn't met up with him. But she obviously will never, ever stop reminding him she exists. Marriages are supposed to be between two people. Looks like this guy will be a third since she insists on shoving herself in front of him. Apparently trying to keep herself in his life is more important to her than your feelings. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MissCanuck Posted March 27, 2017 Share Posted March 27, 2017 OP, why did she say she didn't want to go? It's odd to back out of a wedding invite so late without a good reason. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wonderboy1986 Posted March 27, 2017 Author Share Posted March 27, 2017 OP, why did she say she didn't want to go? It's odd to back out of a wedding invite so late without a good reason. Well, there were going to be lots of former coworkers there, folks that, like him, she's known for about ten years (including the bride, actually). We met when she started at my workplace, about two months before she ended her relationship (they'd been together about four years, I think). She said she just didn't want to "revisit" the old team, not now that she's changed cities, moved in with me, got engaged etc. She's moved on. I do know that she saw him in a store a few days before the wedding (she's not sure if he saw her) so I think maybe that spooked her about seeing the coworkers? About moving backward rather than forward? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wonderboy1986 Posted March 27, 2017 Author Share Posted March 27, 2017 I think she didn't want you to see how she reacted to him. And despite your wishes, she continues to try to keep herself in his life. Yeah, I know, she hasn't met up with him. But she obviously will never, ever stop reminding him she exists. Marriages are supposed to be between two people. Looks like this guy will be a third since she insists on shoving herself in front of him. Apparently trying to keep herself in his life is more important to her than your feelings. I have considered that. I know her sister and mom were asking her after the fact if he'd attended, so maybe it had been a discussion point. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dahl Posted March 27, 2017 Share Posted March 27, 2017 She reported to you that she saw him and she's not sure if he saw her - this just struck me as odd. Not nefarious, just super odd. If she's on the up and up with all of this, why would she not simply say hello to him? She seems to be putting a lot of mental and emotional energy towards this chap. I'm worried for you that she's a good marriage partner, mate. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boltnrun Posted March 27, 2017 Share Posted March 27, 2017 If she "doesn't want to revisit the old team" and has "moved on", why is she still contacting him? Isn't he part of the "old team"? She certainly hasn't "moved on" from contacting him! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wonderboy1986 Posted March 28, 2017 Author Share Posted March 28, 2017 She reported to you that she saw him and she's not sure if he saw her - this just struck me as odd. Not nefarious, just super odd. If she's on the up and up with all of this, why would she not simply say hello to him? She seems to be putting a lot of mental and emotional energy towards this chap. I'm worried for you that she's a good marriage partner, mate. Apparently, it was a fleeting moment. He walked past her without stopping, only glancing back in her direction to cross the street, hence the doubt about seeing her. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Doc Blaze Posted March 28, 2017 Share Posted March 28, 2017 so moving forward, there should be no reason for her to contact him to keep in touch correct, doesn't matter if its 6 months, 6 weeks every 2 weeks, there is zero reason. he doesn't stop and talk to her. you told us he doesn't really reply to her text messages. so is that even a friendship? Her ex bf is part of the past and if she doesn't want to think about it, she should leave the ex in the past from now on also.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wonderboy1986 Posted March 28, 2017 Author Share Posted March 28, 2017 If she "doesn't want to revisit the old team" and has "moved on", why is she still contacting him? Isn't he part of the "old team"? She certainly hasn't "moved on" from contacting him! Well, here's hoping that her actively passing up a chance to see him signifies an end to the contact, and we can focus entirely upon the wedding. The only factor that a friend mentioned to me was that she'd be keen to "show off" the ring (and me, I guess 😜 to her former colleagues, and given that we have our engagement photos plastered all over fb (she even called the album "best weekend ever"), my friend was a little surprised that she didn't take the chance to show off. Actually, that makes me think of another positive. She messaged him to tell him about the engagement, and surely if she was in any way interested in him she'd have wanted to attend the wedding and make him jealous. Thoughts? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wonderboy1986 Posted March 28, 2017 Author Share Posted March 28, 2017 so moving forward, there should be no reason for her to contact him to keep in touch correct, doesn't matter if its 6 months, 6 weeks every 2 weeks, there is zero reason. he doesn't stop and talk to her. you told us he doesn't really reply to her text messages. so is that even a friendship? Her ex bf is part of the past and if she doesn't want to think about it, she should leave the ex in the past from now on also.. This is my quandary, I guess. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't be overjoyed if they were hanging out, calling each other etc, but ... WHY aren't they doing that? What's her interest in maintaining a "friendship" that ISN'T more in depth, even in terms of a phone call rather than texts every few weeks? It's like she wants to stay in touch but not take a friendship further than that (I don't want it further than that, btw). And in case anyone suggests it, she's NOT seeing him covertly or anything. We work together each day and have lived together from five months into our relationship, basically spending 24/7 together, and now we're getting married after a 15 month relationship, so she's definitely not seeing him in secret. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boltnrun Posted March 28, 2017 Share Posted March 28, 2017 This is my quandary, I guess. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't be overjoyed if they were hanging out, calling each other etc, but ... WHY aren't they doing that? What's her interest in maintaining a "friendship" that ISN'T more in depth, even in terms of a phone call rather than texts every few weeks? It's like she wants to stay in touch but not take a friendship further than that (I don't want it further than that, btw). And in case anyone suggests it, she's NOT seeing him covertly or anything. We work together each day and have lived together from five months into our relationship, basically spending 24/7 together, and now we're getting married after a 15 month relationship, so she's definitely not seeing him in secret. You've asked this a zillion times. She isn't going to suggest meeting up because he isn't showing much interest in her. If he did, I can guess she'd be wanting to meet for coffee to "catch up". And you didn't answer my previous question...if she didn't want to go to the wedding because she didn't see the point in hanging out with the old gang, why is she insisting on keeping in contact with him? Isn't HE part of the old gang? Of course, you know the answer, so I guess no reason to address it here. Anyway, she keeps contacting him because she's trying to get something. Some kind of reaction. I've got to hand it to him, he's obviously not taking her bait, but she keeps insisting on throwing it out there. So, you can probably count on her continuing after the wedding. She will keep contacting him forever, it seems like. And she does not seem to care how you feel about it. How does that make you feel? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wonderboy1986 Posted March 28, 2017 Author Share Posted March 28, 2017 You've asked this a zillion times. She isn't going to suggest meeting up because he isn't showing much interest in her. If he did, I can guess she'd be wanting to meet for coffee to "catch up". And you didn't answer my previous question...if she didn't want to go to the wedding because she didn't see the point in hanging out with the old gang, why is she insisting on keeping in contact with him? Isn't HE part of the old gang? Of course, you know the answer, so I guess no reason to address it here. Anyway, she keeps contacting him because she's trying to get something. Some kind of reaction. I've got to hand it to him, he's obviously not taking her bait, but she keeps insisting on throwing it out there. So, you can probably count on her continuing after the wedding. She will keep contacting him forever, it seems like. And she does not seem to care how you feel about it. How does that make you feel? Hey, sorry man, I didn't mean to ignore your question. Up until now, she's stayed in touch with the old gang (the others have made an effort as well to contact her, in a way he obviously hasn't) but the wedding was only a few days ago, so I guess it remains to be seen if she'll reach out to him/them again. As for how I feel? Pretty crappy, but I guess what I'm posting here for is to get impartial views, away from friends and family whose views are gonna be coloured by their affection for her. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boltnrun Posted March 28, 2017 Share Posted March 28, 2017 What if you flat out told her "Look, when you keep texting him it makes me feel really uncomfortable. I know you don't spend time together, so I was wondering if you can stop the texting. We're going to be married soon and I feel like contacting an ex when you're married isn't appropriate. Can you do this for me?" And see what she says. If she insists on continuing OR if she continues but hides it from you...I would seriously reconsider marrying her. Because a ceremony and a ring won't stop someone from doing something they really, really want to keep doing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted March 28, 2017 Share Posted March 28, 2017 Well, there were going to be lots of former coworkers there, folks that, like him, she's known for about ten years (including the bride, actually). We met when she started at my workplace, about two months before she ended her relationship (they'd been together about four years, I think). She said she just didn't want to "revisit" the old team, not now that she's changed cities, moved in with me, got engaged etc. She's moved on. I do know that she saw him in a store a few days before the wedding (she's not sure if he saw her) so I think maybe that spooked her about seeing the coworkers? About moving backward rather than forward? That's kind of a weird reason not to go to someone's wedding.... I don't get it. I mean, I understand that people cancel on RSVPs at the last minute for all sorts of reasons, but it just strikes me as rude and odd to suddenly cancel on a wedding because she's "over" the old crowd. And why does she keep talking about her ex to you and whether or not she saw him at the grocery store?? I mean, I know that some people are really open about exes (I'm not so much), but I don't see what's the point of telling you where she did or didn't see him. Again, it's just me. I don't like to hear a lot about exes because it makes me think that they're not really over them.... Do you really think your gf is ready to marry you???? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JaggerJim Posted March 28, 2017 Share Posted March 28, 2017 Look, it's so obvious she's still in love with him. So what are you going to do about it? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wonderboy1986 Posted March 28, 2017 Author Share Posted March 28, 2017 Look, it's so obvious she's still in love with him. So what are you going to do about it? Then why would she accept my proposal? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boltnrun Posted March 28, 2017 Share Posted March 28, 2017 Then why would she accept my proposal? Um, because HE wasn't proposing??? What do you think of my suggestion? That you just TELL her how much it bothers you and ask her to please stop? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted March 28, 2017 Share Posted March 28, 2017 Then why would she accept my proposal? People do all sorts of weird things. What does your gut say? Sometimes, a woman wants to be married and any guy will do. You asked and he didn't. I dunno. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JaggerJim Posted March 28, 2017 Share Posted March 28, 2017 Um, because HE wasn't proposing??? What do you think of my suggestion? That you just TELL her how much it bothers you and ask her to please stop? Yes exactly. Because he isn't proposing. But she still continues to keep him in her life in case by some miracle he turns into the man of her dreams. She's being totally disrespectful to you. Do you not see that? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notalady Posted March 29, 2017 Share Posted March 29, 2017 People do all sorts of weird things. What does your gut say? Sometimes, a woman wants to be married and any guy will do. You asked and he didn't. I dunno. Agree with this. To be honest, rarely would a woman say no when the guy they've been dating for a decent amount of time asks for marriage, even if there are doubts and other considerations (even if she still holds out a glimmer of hope for this other guy to be interested). Some of them just want to get married, some of them just enjoy that rush of a romantic proposal and saying yes and it's all very movie like. You seem to refuse to accept the fact that she's still in touch with her ex is a problem and her refusing to go to the wedding last minute is very odd behaviour, both of which indicates something is up. You can keep trying to convince yourself that it's nothing bad, and you can keep ignoring voices that say it's not a good sign, and proceed with the wedding. But you're the only one having to suffer the consequences when it all goes down, so, tread carefully. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ImYoPusher Posted March 29, 2017 Share Posted March 29, 2017 You've had some huge red flags. This woman isn't over her ex yet and I wouldn't marry her if I were you. She's coming up with what sound like excuses to contact him and is concerned about him hearing from someone else that she's engaged. I was with my husband for 16 years and couldn't care less how he hears about me getting remarried. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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