Ghosting - is it good or bad?

[RedCrayon360]

Personally, I think being ghosted is extremely soul destroying and does a lot of mental damage. I hate the feeling of uncertainty that arises when you have no idea what caused the person to do what they did and whether they would come back.

 

I know some people say that if you've only been on a couple of dates or something that the person doesn't owe you anything. But just a short explanation as to why it didn't work out would still be nice and doesn't leave the person confused. It makes it worse when the person you have or dated (even if it's only twice and especially if you been intimate) was someone you developed strong feelings for, and they also seemed so into you, suddenly pulled off the vanishing trick! Really hurts and I don't think they realise how much it can affect someone. (I admit I'm still hung up on someone who's ghosted me for 4 months simply because it was the only person I had an emotional connection to and I have no idea why).

 

One other issue is you don't even know if they're playing games and that they want you to chase them or something. It's no wonder it can become tempting to try and track them down and desperately look for closure. And these are all the reasons why I despise that ghost!

 

Anyway, sorry for the rant. I just get so fed up of those who try to mess others around and treat people like disposable items. Now there's clearly nothing wrong if you're just looking for hook ups/fun/flings since people have their own ways of dating, but it just personally seems annoying when the person is left hanging! And for someone who gets attached to people to easily, I just don't take being ghosted well at all.

 

The only thing I could probably understand is if the person doing the ghosting did it because they were constantly made fun of by those who were angry when the ghoster told the truth why it wouldn't work out. I could probably also understand it as well if the person was really socially anxious and were too afraid to say anything incase they are worried they might hurt someone's feelings..

[Matt3939]

I agree it's a pretty crappy move. I think if you met the person you should have the decency to say something.

[Jondoe292]

I agree. Ghosting is a terrible thing to do to a person. I went on several dates with a girl and we spoke almost every day for three weeks or so. Everything seemed great. I was head over heels for her and couldn't stop thinking about her. All day everyday. Then all of a sudden she lost interest in me but didn't bother to inform me. I would just be ignored and given hints that she wasnt interested. She never gave me closer which is what destroyed me. It took me several years to let it go. I feel like if she had at least told me things weren't going to work out that my feelings would not have been hurt nearly as bad.

[annie24]

I've been ghosted and I've been the ghoster. The times I have been the ghoster is when I didn't really want to say what was going on. Like I went on 2 dates with a guy and he just gave me the creeps. I just blocked him. Sometimes i've just told the guy after 2 dates that I didn't feel the romantic chemistry.

 

I was recently ghosted by a guy who I had a lot of fun with on dates and suddenly haven't heard from him since. However, he's shortly out of a long term relationship so maybe that has something to do with it??

[Fudgie]

I have ghosted guys if we only talked/texted and/or went on one date.

 

If you go on more than one date, IMO, you shouldn't ghost. But anything less than that, fine.

[Wiseman2]

After a couple of dates, simply not going out again is fine, no one owes anyone dates. After sleeping together it may be better to at least explain it's over. It super awkward telling someone you hardly know that you don't want to see them again.

 

The key is to not get overly attached and overly invested after just a couple of dates. Then it doesn't matter much what they do.

I think being ghosted is extremely soul destroying and does a lot of mental damage. It makes it worse when the person you have or dated even if it's only twice and especially if you been intimate was someone you developed strong feelings for

[empath]

The topic of our time! Not just for romantic relationships, either: not responding is regarded as socially acceptable much more than it used to be in all contexts (I have seen it in professional and academic contexts, which kind of shock me even more, to be honest).

 

I think it probably varies by context. For example, I can think of reasons why women generally would have safety concerns that would make them more likely to feel (unconsciously) the need not to engage men (if it's a man) on the topic of breaking it off: there is a history of violence and coercion toward women that is always in the background, and some men grow abusive (verbally, physically) when they are rejected.

 

I also think it varies by person. Some may not feel they are 'treating you like a disposable item' and may not take it personally when it's done to them. Age matters: obviously, young people can be affected, too, but if you are growing up when it's the norm, it has to be regarded differently than if you grew up when it wasn't the norm.

 

As for me, I definitely hate it! (I grew up 'before the internet', so surely that factors.) I guess I have done the mildest forms of it -- online dating when we haven't even met yet. That's about it, though. I would have to say, no matter the context, I'm often the last to respond. I also would probably offer an explanation if I were ever asked for one. (Admittedly, the women in my life have tended to be less assertive in these matters, so they typically don't push things... sometimes that hurts and sometimes it makes it easier!)

 

I do generally find it painful to be ghosted -- but usually only significantly painful if I am interested in the person (romantically or otherwise). But that leads one to wonder: if the other person is breaking it off anyway, is it really the ghosting, or is it the end of things that is truly painful? If instead of ghosting, the person were to say: 'well, I don't think you're attractive or interesting as a person', would most of us feel better or worse? (I'm not sure!)

 

Finally, to bring in sex/ gender stereotypes again: I have always struggled with the (societal) need to be the pursuer of women. Not that I don't do it -- I normally am the approacher, the one who asks her out, usually for the second date, too, and so on. But I have certain psychological limits, ones that might be lower than for other het men, and I think I have often started feeling resentful in ways that have harmed possibly budding relationships.

 

In fact, it's so typical that it's happening right now! I went on a date Thursday. I contacted her to ask when I could see her again. She responded positively -- which seemed good! She can always say no, right? (I don't think I make that difficult for her.) But she suggested an event that she had to look up the specifics for this weekend. I said ok. That was a day ago... now it's Saturday at noon. I have no idea, but if I did not contact her again, it wouldn't shock me if I never heard from her again. To me, that counts as 'ghosting', because I feel like the ball is in her court. My past experiences tell me if I nag her enough, we will indeed meet up... but why should I have to do that? I know that there are still (sadly) societal pressures, so I don't mind being the first to ask... but I have a tough time keeping that up (and not feeling resentment).

 

Of course, perhaps I just do not drive women wild with my very presence, and I have to accept that I need to be the persistent sort to get anything going! Hard for me to say. But I think for me there is a link between het women's (socially trained) passiveness and the ghosting thing... at least in the resentment it makes me feel. I want to feel loved and valued, too, and not to always have to pursue hard to get those things! (I am sure for a het woman, it can feel terrible to be ghosted, too -- in that case, one is 'supposed' to be pursued, and now the guy won't even respond! We all have our own special pain, I guess...)

[j.man]

One other issue is you don't even know if they're playing games and that they want you to chase them or something. It's no wonder it can become tempting to try and track them down and desperately look for closure.

Buddy, you're bull****ing yourself to justify your desperation.

 

Yes, some immature women do fancy a "chase," but it's most often in the form of underwhelming reciprocated interest (wanting the guy to go all out while they soak it up), not a complete absence of it. No woman who isn't psycho is strategizing having a guy they like send them five texts and and four phone calls without a response.

 

Personally, unless I got a crazy vibe from a lady, I never ghosted her. I have been ghosted in the past as well. I don't think it's the best way to go about it, but I don't consider it some grievous sin. If you're taking some supreme offense from it or are genuinely confused, it's because you're not exercising common sense and simply taking it for the very plain rejection it is.

 

Also, don't seek out explanations for why the person didn't like you. That will only lead yourself to molding into what someone who doesn't want you (who you'll never be with) would like rather than being yourself and attracting someone who could be with you.

[mgsportsfan252]

I've been on both sides but only ghosted someone once when I was in my early twenties and regretted it. I personally would rather at least tell them I'm no longer interested. I think it's a bit of a courtesy to the person so they know and can move on.

 

I've been ghosted a few times and the first couple of times I let it get to me. But now I learned to just take it for what it is and just move on.

[reinventmyself]

I guess we need a definition of ghosting. I have dated men once or twice and they did not call a third time. I don't think I was owed an explanation.

I have done the same in return.

 

I dated someone recently where we both did a slow fade. We've since text each other on random occasions with holiday greetings and such.

It was a somewhat nice ending where I think we both realized simultaneously that it wasn't going to go any further but there were no hard feelings.

A discussion about the obvious would have been unnecessarily awkward.

 

I guess when you've been dating for an undetermined amount of time and there has been discussions about `next time' or future talk and definitely some intimacy, then a discussion is

warranted. Or if you can tell the other person might have been emotionally invested. I might consider talking to them about it then. But not for every 2 or 3rd date.

Assuming that everyone is invested enough to care might be presumptuous.

But that's just me.

[soconfused08]

I've only done it in the initial stages of dating, no later than after the first date. I certainly hope none of them found it "soul-crushing" I guess it is because of my experiences. When I text someone and they don't answer for days, I might send one more. Then I accept that that they are telling me "I am not interested" with action(or lack thereof), not words. I delete them and move on. I have also been verbally attacked by men I've rejected, as well as had some try to force long, awkward explanations out of me. So I feel it's easier for us both. That being said, I think it is a really cruel thing to do to someone you've come to know well and is rightfully emotionally invested.

[reinventmyself]

I've only done it in the initial stages of dating, no later than after the first date. I certainly hope none of them found it "soul-crushing" I guess it is because of my experiences. When I text someone and they don't answer for days, I might send one more. Then I accept that that they are telling me "I am not interested" with action(or lack thereof), not words. I delete them and move on. I have also been verbally attacked by men I've rejected, as well as had some try to force long, awkward explanations out of me. So I feel it's easier for us both. That being said, I think it is a really cruel thing to do to someone you've come to know well and is rightfully emotionally invested.

 

I think non responses are just plain rude, though. If someone took the time to reach out to you, have the minimal decency to respond . . and then tell them that you are moving on, kindly.

I've gotten bad reactions. . but that says a lot about them, not me. At least I feel I did the right thing. Their reaction is something I don't have any control over.

[soconfused08]

I guess what I was trying to say is that to me, a lack response is a response. It is one I am ok will receiving in the early stage.

[milly007]

I guess we need a definition of ghosting. I have dated men once or twice and they did not call a third time. I don't think I was owed an explanation.

I have done the same in return.

 

I dated someone recently where we both did a slow fade. We've since text each other on random occasions with holiday greetings and such.

It was a somewhat nice ending where I think we both realized simultaneously that it wasn't going to go any further but there were no hard feelings.

A discussion about the obvious would have been unnecessarily awkward.

 

I guess when you've been dating for an undetermined amount of time and there has been discussions about `next time' or future talk and definitely some intimacy, then a discussion is

warranted. Or if you can tell the other person might have been emotionally invested. I might consider talking to them about it then. But not for every 2 or 3rd date.

Assuming that everyone is invested enough to care might be presumptuous.

But that's just me.

 

I agree with this. Also, if someone reaches out to me after a date and I'm not interested, I will always respond. I hope for the same in return. If I reach out, please respond...regardless of whether or not there's interest. It's just the polite, civil thing to do.

[empath]

I guess we need a definition of ghosting.

 

Definitely!

 

Well, not that it's a matter of clear world priority. But yeah, I think it's one of those terms that arises and then gets bandied about in confused fashion ('fake news', anyone, by our fine President?).

 

These are great examples. I definitely don't myself regard the 'slow fade' as ghosting, as it seems (seems – many variables here) to be two people who like each other (or used to), but don't have the passion to keep it going (or distance intervenes, etc.).

 

I also think some level of reciprocation has to be considered. If a person, like reinventmyself, goes on one or two dates but is never called for a third, I don't think many of us would consider that 'ghosting', either, since she could have called herself.

 

I think that generally it has to be the sudden departure from communication; without explanation; without some mutual understanding that this would or should occur; and where the ghosted party takes some displeasure from it (heartbreak, but also could be offense, etc.).

 

I think this definition would rule out some of what j.man is referring to – which falls in the heterosexual male behavior toward women that is historically tied to violence/ coercion. Harassing them, basically – not taking no, not accepting the rejection. (As I mentioned, it makes sense to me that women might be more tempted to engage in this kind of disengagement because of this kind of male behavior.)

[Cocoapetal]

I understand the slow fade where you both aren't feeling it and there isn't enough emotional investment to warrant a discussion. But disappearing while making the other party thinks things are still hot between you, or after suggesting another date and getting their hopes in my opinion is being spineless. I always tell the other party if I'm no longer feeling it. I figure its better that way, they can move on and so an i. i have been ghosted after a hot date and kiss and what I thought was chemistry. we had been speaking for over 6 weeks, everyday, it hurt, but i never contacted him afterwards. I figured if he wanted me, he wouldve. And i refuse to drag myself through the mud for "love".

[empath]

I understand the slow fade where you both aren't feeling it and there isn't enough emotional investment to warrant a discussion. But disappearing while making the other party thinks things are still hot between you, or after suggesting another date and getting their hopes in my opinion is being spineless. I always tell the other party if I'm no longer feeling it. I figure its better that way, they can move on and so an i. i have been ghosted after a hot date and kiss and what I thought was chemistry. we had been speaking for over 6 weeks, everyday, it hurt, but i never contacted him afterwards. I figured if he wanted me, he wouldve. And i refuse to drag myself through the mud for "love".

 

But not to be obtuse here, Cocoapetal – and certainly not intending to be callous toward your pain there – but what made this 'ghosting'? Did you attempt to reach out to him? If not, why was it his and his responsibility alone – so much so that if he did not contact you, it was not just lack of contact, but ghosting? That's why I feel like there has to be some reciprocal element to be 'ghosting' per se. (I'm obviously just guessing here based on your circumstances, but it seems like you thought it would be 'dragging yourself through the mud' to contact him.)