I thought I knew everything...

[Silverbirch]

It seems I have too many hours in the day now. There was a time, I had no time for myself or anyone, I was just so busy. Now, things are so bad that I don't feel like coming back to home. All of my curtains are always open, I like light now. I cannot stand the darkness. I used to love darkness but not anymore. The empty house taunts me.

 

I am running away from things, I don't want to be at home, I don't want to be a work. I feel like just going out and spend my day outside. How long I can survive with the few hours sleep at the beach?

 

I keep making plans and nothing works out.

 

Mike, what is it you don't like about home. I can recall a time thinking that. Today though, my home is the place AI most like to be. It is my little castle. I live on my own, apart from my pets who give me companionship and protection. It's where I feel safe and have privacy, and it's a cosy place to be. What is it about being home you don't like? Is it to do with being alone?

[Mikess1978]

Mike, what is it you don't like about home. I can recall a time thinking that. Today though, my home is the place AI most like to be. It is my little castle. I live on my own, apart from my pets who give me companionship and protection. It's where I feel safe and have privacy, and it's a cosy place to be. What is it about being home you don't like? Is it to do with being alone?

 

Silverbirch, I believe it has to do with being alone. Its not a big house - 1650 sqft. My wife and I used to live in it and now, I live alone. We have really dark and think curtains since the weather here is very hot. I used to love them before, but now, I cannot handle the darkness. When I come home, all these negative thoughts come to my mind. I have all the curtains opened up now and still I have to turn on all the lights. I am not really sure what is causing it but I am hoping it will go away.

 

Things are so bad now that I don't go home from work. I go straight to the beach and I walk / run there for two hours and then I try to sleep in my car. Later around 12, 1 or 2 am, I go home and again I am up at 3:30 or 4am.

 

I like my home but I just don't like to be there alone. Also, it does not matter where I am, I still have all these thoughts going through my mind. I could be watching a movie with my nephew on TV but I cannot concentrate on it. I can be with people but I cannot focus my thoughts.

 

I think, its the thoughts.

[Mikess1978]

Sunday is the first working day of the week here.

 

I had a good workout on Saturday. I dropped my nephew home and got a lot of other chores done as well. Well, he is the one who is doing house chores now.

 

I had a relatively busy day at work and then left for a meeting in the afternoon. Business is bad and everyone is complaining. I went straight from the meeting to the beach. I walked / ran 10K yesterday. It was good. I spent two hours at the beach and then went to my home.

 

I talked to my sister in law last week and it seems that she has informed my wife and now, my wife is checking on me everyday two three times.

 

It is just sad that my wife cannot come back to me soon enough.

[Mikess1978]

I always had this issue with my thoughts. I t was really hard for me to control my thoughts. I never had problem with sleep in the past but I always had problem controlling my thoughts.

 

I keep coming up with new plans everyday. When I get sad or angry at myself (at the end of day, I created this mess), I want to end everything. Last Friday night was definitely such day. I want to live but don't have a purpose yet. Sometimes, I think, I am lucky to have such a good life partner, why don't I make things better for her before I go?

 

This could be a good reason to live. I will need at least two and half years to do so since I am at my worst these days.

 

I always used to believe in dreams but now, I have none. What is a life without dreams? Without dreams, we are dead man.

 

I am so angry with me, one, just one of my mistake spoiled my entire life and now, it can never be the same again.

[Silverbirch]

Mike, you can get through this. I think the new psychiatrist will likely help you.

 

Maybe you can think of some coping strategies. Do you know "Mindfulness". There are a few things I really like to do which clear my mind. Part of the reason I have my ponies. I got my first one about 14 years ago. I had been in an 8 year relationship with a man. I had only lived with him 4 months (towards the end of that 8 years), and really bizarre things happened. The police came to the house looking for him. One version of events was that he had bipolar disorder, became unstable to the point of psychosis, used to tell me he was going to kill me. I was so crazy, all I could think of was trying to save the relationship. I'm just wanted to die after some of the things that happened. I know this sounds crazy, and makes no sense to anyone (unless they have a horse), but one day in that darkness,mai decided that I would get a horse because I would have to feed it every day - I would have to get out of bed, go to work, to make money, and go feed the horse. I did it, I got a horse. In time, I acquired another 3. When I go see them every day, I feel calm. I don't think much of other things, just the ponies, and the things I have to do. Today, I had to clean obes eyes and apply ointment. Another has sore hooves and I did stuff for that. Sometimes AI walk them by the road.

 

There are other things that make me feel calm. I love roses, especially the peace roses and I am growing sone in my backyard.

 

You need to find what it is you like, and helps you feel calm, and do it. There will be something. As you are an engineer, I suspect it will be either making something or else taking something apart and repairing it. Think of what it might be.

[Mikess1978]

I am so sorry you had to go through that Silverbirch. It must have been really scary for you, living with someone who says that he will kill you. I am glad, it is all over and you are happy now. I am so strongly against any metal or physical abuse in relationship. I even count yelling as abuse.

 

Animals can help. We bought a small dog to a relative who lost her very young husband and it made things little better for her. Initially she hated the idea but now, she loves the dog now.

 

It is funny how you talk about horse today. Sara messaged me few days back (I am trying not to message her at all after the talk we had). We went out for a horse ride 5:15am. It was far in the desert and we have good ride for about an hour and half. Sun came out, it was nice view and I feel good today. I am even thinking of getting gorse riding lesson to keep myself busy.

 

Yesterday was a miserable day. I did not sleep at all the night before and when my PT called, I said, there is no way I can workout now as I have had no sleep and last evening I did 10K. I had to fire a very nice guy at work who came back from an emergency vacation (his son got into an accident). I had a very challenging conference call with my boss and I left work at 9:30. I was not able to go for my daily walk since I was not in good mood. So the entire day was a huge disappointment.

 

But, today I feel good. Tomorrow, I am seeing the new psychiatrist so I am kind of excited.

[Mikess1978]

I thought I will be happy today but I was wrong. A friend is visiting and I offered him to stay at my place. I thought, some company will do good to me. I went to pick him up from the airport, we had lunch in the food court at work and then came back to my office. He sat in the conference room and I started working in my office.

 

All of sudden, I had this anxiety attack. I have no idea from where it came from. I was happy, I was over the moon thinking, today is going to be a good day. I cannot talk to anyone, I wish I can talk to my wife about it and maybe, she can save me but that would be me being selfish. She deserve better than me. I feel like crying but I cannot, at least till I am in office.

 

I am hoping this new psychiatrist will help me tomorrow.

[Silverbirch]

Mike, I think part of the reason for the anxiety attack was your tiredness. Also, could be your sugar levels. I don't mean that you have diabetes or anything, but try to remember what you had eaten,mind see if there is a pattern. I'm under the impression you are having hardly any carbs, and aim not sure if that plays a part, but I'm under the understanding that for stable blood sugar levels, people need to have right balance of carbs and protein. That would also explain why it seemed to come out of nowhere. Most I,portent, you need a good sleep.

 

I am totally over that man and have been for years though at the time, I thought I would never get over him. At the time, I didn't believe he would really kill me, but later on I did. Spoke with psychiatrist about it, and other people, and could have been possible. He always had a volatile personality, but prior to that, he had never been threatening or violent towards me. When the police came to the house, they wanted to speak to him because a woman at his gym had made a complaint about him to the management ID the gym. Then she claimed that she saw him at the supermarket, and he threatened violence against her. She said that he pushed her up towards a shelf in the supermarket with his trolley. I love as the privy to all of the information, but I know the police had looked at security film from the supermarket before they came, and that he to,s them he would never go to that gym again or have anything to do with that woman. As well we both worked for the same organisation, and another female employee made a complaint of sexual harassment and stalking against him. These were only 2 things that happened. There was a lot that happened. Most worrying though was that I just wanted to make everything right!!! It was only through eventually having had enough of that craziness, he walked out (for another woman) and AI could no longer bear to be around him. As time went by, it was as though a fig cleared in my brain. My mother became very ill around the same time. I was left with financial problems from that man which took me quite some time to clear, but eventually, the mess that as cleaned up. LOL, THIS ALL REMINDS ME WHY I am so grateful today that AI have my own home (with mortgage) but I can take care of myself and AI have peace and sine stability.

 

Your horse ride sounds so nice! Being busy is good, but it is also good if you can relax. Eventually, all will be good Mike.

[Silverbirch]

 

 

Mike, there are many articles on panic attacks related to low blood sugar and change of diet

[Silverbirch]

Hi Mike, this link says a bit more about it and explains the types of carbs you should NOT eat, and the types you should. It gives example of 3 day diet plan and has lots of lunchtime legumes which I know you like - especially chickpeas. Do you like black beans? I live them with corn and also salsa. Hypoglycaemia can cause anxiety, panic attacks, sleep problems and bad dreams and other problems too.

 

 

[Mikess1978]

A is staying with me for few days so I have some company. He is a nice guy, younger than me and I think he look up to me to guide him with his business. I think, he will do well in his life.

 

After work, we went home and later went to the beach. We walked / ran about 7K which was great. We picked up some street food as A wanted to have this chicken wrap. I also had it as how bad a chicken wrap can be when the chicken is grilled. We had some fun eating our dinner sitting in the SUV. By the time, we went back to the house, we both were very tired. I took a shower and then went to bed.

 

I talked to my PT this morning about my workout schedule and he said, I am doing it too much. He said that I should take rest one or two days per week or I am not letting my body to recover. Workout this morning was good as I love weights. I think, I will stop all the activities of Saturday. I wanted to do it on Friday but on Fridays, I have circuit training which I love. Training is good but I like the other participants there and I enjoy the breakfast after the training. It is like a social activity for me.

 

I am starting to work a bit more now. I have at least one trip per week planned for next six weeks. Business is bad, my boss is going crazy but there is only so much I can do.

 

My wife keeps checking on me which I like. We are going to a concert again tomorrow. This time, my nephew is also coming along with us. I am so excited about this concert. I love this band and this is my tenth concert with them.

 

Sara wants to do something for me. It was part of the doings to do we decided long time ago. We are strictly friends now so I like this now. Lets see what does she want to do.

 

So far so good.

[Mikess1978]

Mike, I think part of the reason for the anxiety attack was your tiredness. Also, could be your sugar levels. I don't mean that you have diabetes or anything, but try to remember what you had eaten,mind see if there is a pattern. I'm under the impression you are having hardly any carbs, and aim not sure if that plays a part, but I'm under the understanding that for stable blood sugar levels, people need to have right balance of carbs and protein. That would also explain why it seemed to come out of nowhere. Most I,portent, you need a good sleep.

 

I am totally over that man and have been for years though at the time, I thought I would never get over him. At the time, I didn't believe he would really kill me, but later on I did. Spoke with psychiatrist about it, and other people, and could have been possible. He always had a volatile personality, but prior to that, he had never been threatening or violent towards me. When the police came to the house, they wanted to speak to him because a woman at his gym had made a complaint about him to the management ID the gym. Then she claimed that she saw him at the supermarket, and he threatened violence against her. She said that he pushed her up towards a shelf in the supermarket with his trolley. I love as the privy to all of the information, but I know the police had looked at security film from the supermarket before they came, and that he to,s them he would never go to that gym again or have anything to do with that woman. As well we both worked for the same organisation, and another female employee made a complaint of sexual harassment and stalking against him. These were only 2 things that happened. There was a lot that happened. Most worrying though was that I just wanted to make everything right!!! It was only through eventually having had enough of that craziness, he walked out (for another woman) and AI could no longer bear to be around him. As time went by, it was as though a fig cleared in my brain. My mother became very ill around the same time. I was left with financial problems from that man which took me quite some time to clear, but eventually, the mess that as cleaned up. LOL, THIS ALL REMINDS ME WHY I am so grateful today that AI have my own home (with mortgage) but I can take care of myself and AI have peace and sine stability.

 

Your horse ride sounds so nice! Being busy is good, but it is also good if you can relax. Eventually, all will be good Mike.

 

So happy that you are over him.

 

I always used to think, that most people in this world are good. I still do but sometimes, when I am not in good mood, it can change. I am not sure, why people do such things?

 

I am seeing a new psychiatrist today. She is female, that's the change. I am not really sure about these attacks but I will try to find an answer. You are right, my food intake is very low. Sometimes, I am not even having my breakfast. I calculated and my calorie intake might be 1500 or less per day and as per my fitbit (not so accurate thingy), I am burning minimum 3000 per day since it does not really consider workouts.

[Silverbirch]

Yes, I am the same Mike. It's funny because when I am driving longish trips, I have these imagiinary conversations with my ex-boss and start speaking like I'm Mafia! LOL,

 

yes, you will feel better if you eat more, and the weight will stay off better than if you eat so little. I have been having my main meal during the day too, but I want to make myself something very healthy but light and keep in my freezer for dinner. In winter, I make a lot of vegetable soup with barley, but it's too hot for that right now.

[Mikess1978]

I had the first session with the Psychiatrist today. She is a female one as opposed to the male one I had for five weeks. we, mostly I talked for about 50 minutes and we did not even finish all of my stories / problems etc. I am not sure what to think of her. I don't know if they do help. So far, It feels like I am spending tons of money on it without knowing if there are any benefits.

 

I have another appointment on next Wednesday.

 

A and I went out for a drive in the evening. He wanted to go clubbing and drinking but I don't want to drink. When I drink, it makes me weaker, emotionally and I don't like it.

 

My wife called few times yesterday. We are off to a concert today which I am really looking forward to. It will be a great evening. A does not want to go as the ticket is expensive. I thought of buying the ticket for him but he is staying with me and I am already paying for his all expenses so I don't want him to feel bad. Tough choice.

 

Sara called me to see if we can meet for coffee in the early morning. We met and talked. It seems that she bought something for me online. She sounds more confident financially these days. She says her mom is brining some money for us. Which is great since I want this relationship to be independent of money.

 

Lets see how it goes. She said she wants to cook for me and maybe spend night at mine, lets see when that happens.

 

I am happy because I am busy but I like it, being happy is good.

[Mikess1978]

The concert was amazing. We all loved it, my wife was with me and she also loves this band. My nephew also came along. We all had good time. It was probably the highlight of my week.

 

We had few beers and some Mexican food at the venue and came home really late. My wife showed me a lot of affection and I am hoping that she comes back to me. Work is bit better as I am trying bit harder. I am not at 100% but I will be soon. I need to start traveling every week again and I already made some bookings. Hope, it gets better at work.

 

I went to the circuits again for second week. I love it and the entire group had really good breakfast. Its my cheat day so I want to satisfy my taste buds.

 

A is still staying with me. I need to go back home to do my taxes and take care of some other stuff as well. A lot of traveling to do in coming weeks and months.

[Mikess1978]

I have felt fairly good in last few days. I am talking to tons of people and trying to keep myself busy. My wife is also keeping in touch with me so there is hope there. I have limited my contacts with Sara and trying to keep it just as friends.

 

Today, I am home as it is the weekend. After morning workout and delicious breakfast, now I am at home and I don't feel good. I am trying to watch TV but my mind does not stop wandering. I just watched this very nice video posted by someone who was suffering from depression before about how everything is in our life is important and we must not value just one relationship or one thing only. If work is bad, that does not mean that that is the end of the world. We can still be happy about the family, friends and other good things we have in life. If married life is not good, we can still be happy about our work, friends kids etc.

 

Then why I am not able to do the same? I understand it but I cannot implement in my life.

[Silverbirch]

Overall, you are doing well Mike. Yes, it takes a while to decide whether the therapist is right for you. You can ask ask her about her approach, and how she works,

[Mikess1978]

Life has been bit better.

 

I had to let go one of my coworker but I had no options. I have been working out & losing weight, work is better and I have started traveling again. I am talking to my wife more now which is a positive sign.

 

 

[Silverbirch]

Well done Mike!

[Mikess1978]

Well done Mike!

 

Thank you Silverbirch, hope you are doing okay.

[Mikess1978]

I have been pretty happy for last ten days or so.

 

I changed my Physiatrist and the new one is okay, not that great but okay. I was feeling so good that thought I might not need her. She asked me to get a check up done as she thinks I am a perfect case to go on medication.

 

I have been avoiding it due to so many reasons. I am getting my annual review done. Normally, I initiate this process as its me normally who wants a raise but this time, my boss initiated it. There might be some trouble for me but it is okay. I am okay with anything now.

 

I have been very busy with life. I have been doing a lot of things and trying to keep myself busy. I have spent some time with my wife and it was pretty good. She wants to come back to me but I am not sure if that is a good idea for her. My work was everything for me and if I don't have it, I have nothing I am good at.

 

Sara has been super nice to me for sometime now. She has asked to meet me several times now, we met and she even spent a night with me. Things were good. She is off to a vacation now for three weeks and I miss her a lot. I feel empty.

 

I have booked tons of work trips to keep myself busy.

 

Lets see how it goes...

[Mikess1978]

I am finding it difficult to make a plan and stick to it. I just cannot stop thinking. Sara has some kind of hold on my mind. Even a chat with her can make me happy or if I don't hear from her, it can make me sad. I try hard to get out of her control but it seems I am not strong enough.

 

I know, the situation is not sustainable. One day, it will all come down crashing. I just don't know how fat that day is. Sometimes I think, I should just run away from my life, go settle in a small town in the middle of nowhere. The problem is that I don't think I can live without money. I am so used to easy life. I have been thinking about so many plans. They all look good at one point or another but I just cannot stick to one. It seems that I am not myself any more.

 

I have booked myself back to back till late May with at least one trip per week. I am even having my annual review done next month. This is strange as my boss is asking for my annual review, normally, I ask for it since I need raise. Lets see how it goes. Honestly, I don't really care about it. This can only trigger a chain reaction but I am ready for anything.

 

I am even thinking of leaving everything and taking a break from life. But what if I still cannot stop thinking????

[Silverbirch]

Hey Mike. I bet there are heaps of things you are good at.

[Mikess1978]

Hey Mike. I bet there are heaps of things you are good at.

 

I wish there were....

 

I moved out of my home when was young (

 

I have always been clueless in my life. I was never good in communication. So, when few of my female friends told me recently that they were so interested in me and would have wanted to explore relationship with me during uni days, I was surprised. I am so dumb. I married the first girl I ever dated and again I was clueless. I thought, she was happy with me and never realised that she was not. I spoiled her entire life. That is a failure.

 

I used to be great at my work but now, I don't feel like working anymore. I hate this feeling of depending on someone for my happiness.

 

I can go on....

[Silverbirch]

If you can get your head around engineering, there will be a lot of things you can be good at.