Conversations with my furry companion whom I've lost

[zeino]

My dear Pelin,

 

My little furry angel who came into my life at a time when I was most vulnerable, whose innocent friendship helped me stand up again after all that happened last year, and whom I lost so shockingly, so unexpectedly, so horribly… My friend, my companion, my team-mate. I’m sorry, so terribly sorry. That I know you would forgive me at a heartbeat if you were alive, that you would sit on my lap or my shoulder or somewhere to make me better, that you would give me a headbutt makes it all so more painful for me right now. I’m so sorry. So sorry. Please know, if you have any way of knowing, that if I had the chance to throw myself in front of that motorcycle for you, I would do that, no biggie. I know you protected me and us in your own way every night we went to sleep, I know you watched out for us. I, the stupid stupid human could not do it for you. Please forgive me.

 

And there is something in me that knows that I have your forgiveness already. And for this, I am grateful. And will always be.

 

I want to write more to you. In little bits. Feeling everything I do, in my grief. You know it’s hard for me to access my deepest feelings sometimes. I was not always allowed to cry. This time I will. Properly. Feeling all the depth of this incredible, this curing love you taught me. You don’t know how much you taught me in my life. Not simple things, either. You gave me my first experience of unconditional love, you orange cat with white socks.

 

Why, I want the world to know that between a moronic psychiatrist who said "Well, look at this rape (attempt) this way. At least it wasn!t a stranger", his equally moronic female counter psychologist and a warped mother who attacks me in her disordered way each time I'm hurt, you were the only living thing that had something kind and loving to share with me. That, I want the world to know. That you, a half stray cat with a fondness for rubbish bins were able to give me the validation that these clueless humans could not and you helped me survive that rape attack and all the mess that came after it.

 

I couldn't do it for you. I couldn't do it for you. And I was around. And as clueless as these ers I guess.

 

I am sorry.

 

And here I am, starting a journal. First for you and then with you. I want the world to know that you were one beautiful soul that taught me so much, helped me grow and cured the most hurting bits of whatever brought me some 10 ten years ago.

 

Your time with me was short, but you will always be a part of me, and I will honour your memory.

 

It took me 3 months to be able to get out of my garden after that attack and spoke to you only. That, I will not forget.

 

Thank you.

 

And I'm so sorry, so sorry that I couldn't look after you as beautifully as you looked after me.

 

Here, my sweet friend, from my favourite writer to you:

 

“You’ll get over it…” It’s the clichés that cause the trouble. To lose someone you love is to alter your life for ever. You don’t get over it because ‘it” is the person you loved. The pain stops, there are new people, but the gap never closes. How could it? The particularness of someone who mattered enough to grieve over is not made anodyne by death. This hole in my heart is in the shape of you and no-one else can fit it. Why would I want them to?”

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. Pets are our best friends.

[Jibralta]

Oh no

 

I'm so sorry.

[RainyCoast]

i'm sorry about your cat i agree it's a huge hole. my cat was psychologically, intellectually and personally a better companion than many people are. they are huge souls. and it takes one to know one zeino. you're a great hoomin.

[zeino]

Thank you friends. It helps a lot.

[Silverbirch]

So sorry to read of this. I know how much I depend on my furies and that they spend a lot of time looking out for me. I would miss them too.