It's Finally and Unfortunately Over

[chattychica]

I lost it guys.

 

If anyone has read any of my previous posts, I was in a semi-tumultuous relationship. There were one or two recurring problems that made it hard for us to be happy. I had just recently realized how they could be fixed and I was ready to try it out, but he finally left me. And it was my fault.

 

Friday, I got drunker than ever and broke his TV and bruised his forehead. He was drunk too, said some mean things, and threw me around a bit which pushed drunken me to be violent. I guess we are both angry drunks. But then he broke up with me.

 

We stayed up for hours crying and holding each other after it happened until the sun came up. We both apologized. I told him I'd buy him a new TV. He told me not to worry about the TV and just held me and cried and kept asking why I had to this up. I helped him get ready for work like usual; he hugged me then watched me drive away. That face. My heart yearns for that face.

 

The rest of the day, we texted all day and talked on the phone for hours, but his tone had changed. He wouldn't see me. I wanted him to see me because that's the only way we ever settle these things - in person. We realize how much we want each other I guess. So, as I'm sure you know, I spent the day (Saturday) begging . He eventually said yes, but something came up... Then, Sunday, we texted a normal convo, but later he said he just couldn't be with me anymore and that he hopes we can be friends again. So I resumed begging to see him. He eventually stopped texting and turned off his phone.

He said that my continuing to text him was just making him angrier - the more I begged him, the angrier he became.

The last message he sent said that he forgave me but just couldn't see me right now, that he just needs time. I replied with a series of pleas to "just see me." But after my best friend talked sense into me, I sent a final message saying "I understand. I can do that. I can give you time. Good night."

 

But how much time is enough time? How will I know if enough time has passed?

 

My friend says to text him in a few days (Wednesday maybe) to see if he wants to hang. If he doesn't want to, just text him when the TV gets delivered (Thursday) and tell him that I have something for him or ask him to help me carry something to my car or just flat out tell him I have the TV for him.

 

I plan to replace the TV even though he said not to worry about it because I regret it and I would demand that someone replace my TV if they broke it. I also know the TV is a large source of his anger with me. He said he gets mad at me every time he enters his room because he can't watch Netflix, play games, etc. He did eventually say, though, "If you want to buy me a TV, I won't stop you." I know deep down that I'm buying this TV in hopes that he'll date me again. I feel he knows this too. But it's also the right thing to do.

But I will be livid if I replace this TV and he doesn't even give us final chance. That's why my friend says that I should text and see if he will hang with me first without the TV as a tool. If he doesn't, then maybe I'll have to use the TV as a tool. What do you all think about this?

 

Here are some more questions I have.

 

Have any guys ever been hit by their girl before? What was the outcome? Did you stay with her or get back with her?

 

I ask this because he did say a few times that he can't believe I hit him, so I think that may be why he's angry, too. I honestly can't believe it either. I don't remember doing anything this night. Last thing I remember was his throwing me around and then me crying to his roommate. How can I go about fixing this? Any suggestions?

[CSM101]

I think you need to check yourself in to a rehab. That's domestic violence you just pulled and there's no excuse for it. If you're a nasty drunk, get sober. Work on yourself. Simple as that.

[j.man]

What does "throwing you around" mean? Him grabbing you and tossing you around the flat for no reason? Or him shoving you out of his physical space if you were getting in his face during this argument? The context makes a big difference between whether it was self defense or abuse on your end (not that the innocent TV deserved to get caught in the crossfire either way).

 

In any case, yes, I've been hit by a woman once (also been slapped a couple times... not cool but I'm assuming we're talking a bit more overt). The outcome was she was pinned face down on the floor until she was calmed down enough to where I could feel OK turning my back on her without getting raked from behind. We didn't stay together. I refused to ever see her again. And that was that.

 

There's no coming back from assaulting someone and destroying their property. And using the TV that you simply should be replacing as a decent human being as a tool to get him back is extremely low.

[RainyCoast]

therapy and AA. nothing else will help.

[Wiseman2]

He doesn't want you calling the cops and pressing charges. Or he is talking to his people about having you arrested for assault and vandalism.

 

You are in an abusive toxic relationship. Sooner or later one of you will get serious hurt or arrested. But you know and admit this. Leave him alone. Read up on abusive relationships.

I got drunker than ever and broke his TV and bruised his forehead. He was drunk too, said some mean things, and threw me around a bit which pushed drunken me to be violent. I know deep down that I'm buying this TV in hopes that he'll date me again. That's why my friend says that I should text and see if he will hang with me first without the TV as a tool. If he doesn't, then maybe I'll have to use the TV as a tool.

[Betterwithout]

therapy and AA. nothing else will help.

 

Yes, indeed

[Fun Boater 1]

You need to just let him be. Do not contact for at least one full week, would be my suggestion. You've done your begging, pleading, apologizing...etc....and he is still insisting that it is over. Your last text to him is sufficient enough. He has asked for time and you let him know you agreed to give him that time. Now it is totally up to HIM to decide if he wants to reconcile or not. Believe me, if you want to preserve ANY chance of things ever returning to relationship status (getting back together) then you have NO CHOICE but to honor and respect his request for space. If you persist in bothering him very soon after this incident, you definitely will push him away farther. Only time will heal this. He needs time to think, time to miss you, and time to evaluate his feelings for you. Realize you have no control over his feelings. All you can do is sit back patiently and wait and see what he will do. It sucks, but given the episode that occurred between you over the weekend, this is your ONLY course of action.

 

I'm curious. What made you get physically violent with him? Have there been other physically violent (hitting each other) incidents between you and he previously? If there has been, then maybe this relationship between you is simply too toxic to ever sustain itself for any length of time. Healthy, normal, loving, and respectful relationships NEVER include emotional/physical abuse. NEVER.

[angrythoughts]

^ I'm curious about the same thing. Why did it get violent in the first place?

[Matt3939]

No woman has ever hit me I have never touched another woman. There is a difference between hitting and restraint so one doesn't get hit. You broke the TV replace it no questions asked. Deal with the anger and the drinking.

[RainyCoast]

also i think instead of buying a new tv you should transfer the money for a new one to his account. so that he is compensated for the damage without you using the opportunity to suck him in for more dysfunction while unloading the tv and entering the apartment.

[DancingFool]

You are lucky you are not in jail.....

 

Regardless of who instigated what, once your relationship gets to the point where you two are physically violent, it's your giant flashing neon clue that you need to part ways permanently. That's gone beyond toxic and you have no business being together.

 

Please do not contact him. Ever. Your friend is giving you terrible advice about reaching out to him again. Do not do it, unless you really want to get yourself arrested. People have their limits and he has made it clear that you've pushed past all of his. You contacting him is not going to get him back, but is likely to get you either arrested or served with a restraining order.

 

As for the TV, you should replace it purely because you broke it. HOWEVER, he did tell you straight up that he doesn't want you replacing it and doesn't want you contacting him. I think you need to respect that. Failing to respect his wishes will not earn you any brownie points, but can end very badly for you. See above for consequences.

 

Please address your drinking. If alcohol makes you angry, then you shouldn't be touching it ever again. Your body chemistry and alcohol don't get along and if you continue to drinking, it will get worse for you not just temper wise, but physically as well. Your body reacts to alcohol like it's poison. Other than that, get counseling - anger management, conflict resolution, relationship/codependence issues. Hard to tell from your post what all the issues may be there. Enough to say that when conflict reaches physical violence level, a lot of this is on you personally. Be it failing to address problems in a healthy manner or failing to walk away from a toxic relationship in a timely manner.

[pippy longstocking]

To write that and then your friend says

 

My friend says to text him in a few days (Wednesday maybe) to see if he wants to hang

 

How can you even think this is ok , how can your friend think it is ok ... you nearly drove him nuts begging and he begged you to leave him alone . The tv is an excuse nothing more . Read your own post again .

[Birdie]

Call the delivery company and get the TV delivered to his place, leave him alone.

 

And you don't deserve another chance because you're replacing property you broke. Your posts reeks of anger issues, I would look into therapy.

 

Also if you care for him, respect his boundaries. He's asked to be left alone, so leave him alone....indefinitely. You're being incredibly selfish and not really thinking about his wants or respecting him.

[chattychica]

Thanks for your reply.

There's never been any other violence between us. The anger and violence stemmed from an argument. I don't remember all the details of the argument but I know that it was initially my fault. After getting angry about the argument, he told me to get on my side of the bed or he'd put me there. I said I was going to sit there next to him (not in his face, just next to him) until he calmly talked to me about it. He then threw me somehow to "my side" and I slid between the bed and the wall, and he lay on top of my face. I pushed and failed to get him off, then I bit him. The rest I don't remember. I'm taking his word for the rest where he says I punched him and pulled his TV off the table.

 

I assure you, I don't want anymore alcohol after this. I'm dry. I'm scarred and scared. I'm afraid of violence usually and it bothers me to even wrestle. I'm a really sensitive person. This is not my personality.

[chattychica]

Also, I would get it delivered to his place but his neighbors are thieves. Maybe I'll just wait until his roommate is home and he isn't to drop this thing off.

[Wiseman2]

No, do nothing. Why add stalking to assault and vandalism? What are you thinking? Stop, just stop. If he wants you to reimburse him for the tv let him contact you and tell you specifics.

 

You have too cool off and let the situation calm down. Do not show up at his place. What if the roommate calls the cops? What are you thinking? Get a handle on yourself.

Maybe I'll just wait until his roommate is home and he isn't to drop this thing off.

[RainyCoast]

i'm sorry but you need a major reality check.

[chattychica]

No no! You miss understand. I was think that I'd just text the roommate when the guy is at work. Then, I wouldn't put him in a place where he has to see me. I wouldn't just wait around. I know his schedule.

[chattychica]

i'm sorry but you need a major reality check.

 

No need to be sorry. It's rather true. Truth is that I screwed up in a night that was supposed to be purely drunken fun like we usually do. This time it just went awry and I can't fix it or take it back no matter how badly I want to.

[Wiseman2]

Please sober up. You are entering psycho territory with this crazy plan or.. Is this a troll post?

I was think that I'd just text the roommate when the guy is at work. Then, I wouldn't put him in a place where he has to see me. I wouldn't just wait around. I know his schedule.

[RainyCoast]

when you drink to excess together like that that tells you the relationship isn't good for you guys. i do really feel bad because your pain is almost tangible, but there is no way you guys can be happy.

 

i think texting the roommate is risky. some people would be bothered, like they were put in the middle or used as tools. i think it's okay to transfer him the money though. you wouldn't come off as pushy or manipulative and you'd still reimburse him. at least that's what i'd personally do. if you don't know his bank account number you can mail the money to him. i don't know what it's called in the states but the postal service has this type of delivery where you pay the sum at your post office, and the person is sent a ticket to pick up the same sum at their postal office.

 

how come you drink so much in the first place? have you had any help with that? have you been in volatile relationships before, or reacted in a volatile manner with friends, family? this dramatic behavior and fears of abandonment can really mess up your relationships, but they can be treated well.

[DancingFool]

I am sorry but I am going to go against all the advice insisting you somehow repay him for the tv. He has told you he wants no further contact at this point of any kind AND specifically told you to forget about the tv. I really think you need to respect his wishes. Trying to send a tv or send money or put money into his back account can really come across as not only disrespectful, but passive aggressive way of seeking his response and attention and he might not react well to that.

 

In addition, many people do not know that you can just deposit funds into their account without their say so. If he doesn't know that, he might totally freak out that you've stolen his info, financial info, identity, etc.

 

You have got to leave him alone. Completely. You do need to seek some counseling asap to help you sort yourself out and to figure out what happened and why you reacted the way you did. This is for you. So it never ever happens again with anyone ever.

 

As for this guy, please do not contact him again. If he wants to talk, he knows how to reach you.

[RainyCoast]

he eventually backtracked on not wanting the tv thing- although to be fair i would assume he only did so to end the conversation.

 

i think he was refusing it because he wanted no further involvement with her. if i ruined something of someone's i would feel obliged to pay. you don't have to deposit it to their account. through postal services, they'll be notified a sum is waiting for them and if they show up with the notification to draw the money it's theirs, if they don't it gets returned to sender (in 2 weeks where i live). it doesn't involve their account, they're literally handed bills from the clerk's register old style, and the only info you need is their name and address to which the notification is sent. i didn't know this until recently. there's always enveloped financial deliveries too, but if he feels it's unwanted it's easier to ignore the notification and just never pick up the money.

 

i agree though it sounds like he cares much more about being left alone than he does about the tv. i think you need to calm down and reassess your motives behind the wish to compensate for the damage. and definitely not contact him or show up at his place or contact his roommate.

[empath]

There is so much that is unknown here, and I'm not going to be offering advice that the OP wants, but I feel compelled to say:

 

I don't want to excuse any Intimate Partner Violence. But women exist in the context of a long history of violence and coercive control against them. So, hitting him is normally bad, of course, but in the context of him 'throwing you around'? It's hard to know what happened in this case or previous cases, as none of the rest of us was there. But context is important – even if he is not bigger than you and so on (as the averages would indicate). A woman hitting a man is simply not the same given this context.

 

This does not mean that a male partner cannot be the (sole) victim of IPV in a relationship with a woman. I just feel wary based on the description... inclined to wonder about previous IPV – which again, is not the same for women as it is for men generally.

 

To answer the question, and relevant to my claims, I have been struck once by a woman in a relationship (in a serious manner). It was a pretty hard slap, and I wasn't expecting it at all. I have never been physically violent toward a partner, and this was the one and only time it happened to me (and only a couple years ago!). I was shocked. And dismayed. And we discussed it (when she was sober -- alcohol was playing an unfortunate part in her life, too). I don't mean to excuse her behavior, and I did find it upsetting. However, never once did I genuinely fear for my safety. She is a small woman; I am a tall man. But even beyond this (obviously, a small woman could seriously physically hurt me!), the context of fear that women have to live with, and which few men have much of an understanding of, makes IPV a VERY different concern for them. OP, I wonder if you have considered that and its role in your relationship -- particularly in considering whether it is/ was a good relationship for you (which is ultimately something for you to decide, of course).

[chattychica]

We don't drink a lot. We have gotten drunk together about 3 times together on weekends where we don't have to work. Otherwise, we drink socially before parties with our friends and come home to each other afterwards so we don't do questionable things with other people. The latter is what happened Friday. We usually find it funny the next day because secrets come out and funny things happen. I am a heavy drinker before parties just to get loose and dance. This time I exceeded my usual limit on accident because I hadn't eaten all day. Total accident. I'm done with that scene now.

 

As for counseling, what kind of counselor can I go to? I just recently went to one for help with abandonment issues and jealousy but speaking mantras to myself as recommended didn't cure the underlying problem I guess because here I am now crying because I'm being abandoned again. I am 100% positive that I have abandonment issues but I'm not sure exactly what kind of counselor to go to. This guy was a psychologist. I thought he'd be the perfect one. He did help me with my jealousy though. It's still there, but I know how to control it.