kar1106 Posted February 11, 2017 Share Posted February 11, 2017 I know if you see my previous posts everyone just says to leave him but it's easier said than done. So last night we were drinking and I do this about once a year, I bring up the time that he cheated, he starts being a smart ass and tells me to get over it and I get more heated and I keep pushing and pushing....well yesterday he snapped. He said since I can't get over it and he's a piece of that he'll just kill himself, he pulled a gun out and loaded it and pointed it at his head. I didn't even know he had a gun so readily available. I calmed him down, he broke down and pretty much turned it all around on me. Now he's made at me and not talking to me, which is fine. My question is does anyone ever really get over being cheated on? He did this 10 years ago and I know he's ran into her around town and every time he says he does it just brings up those same raw emotions. Before you say just leave him! Just please answer my question, am I crazy for not getting over this decade old infidelity? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wiseman2 Posted February 11, 2017 Share Posted February 11, 2017 You realize this is an abusive maneuver, right? He said since I can't get over it and he's a piece of that he'll just kill himself, he pulled a gun out and loaded it and pointed it at his head. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kar1106 Posted February 11, 2017 Author Share Posted February 11, 2017 You realize this is an abusive maneuver, right? No. I didn't know that. How? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boltnrun Posted February 11, 2017 Share Posted February 11, 2017 This is a sick relationship. You've been bringing up his cheating for TEN YEARS??!! And then he pulls a gun and threatens to shoot himself? What is it about this relationship that you feel you just can't let go of? And a better reason than "but I LOVE him", please. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wiseman2 Posted February 11, 2017 Share Posted February 11, 2017 Read up on it: No. I didn't know that. How?"Self-harm and suicide threats are amongst the most terrifying – and effective – manipulation tactics in an abuser’s toolkit." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kar1106 Posted February 11, 2017 Author Share Posted February 11, 2017 This is a sick relationship. You've been bringing up his cheating for TEN YEARS??!! And then he pulls a gun and threatens to shoot himself? What is it about this relationship that you feel you just can't let go of? And a better reason than "but I LOVE him", please. We've built a whole life together. I don't want to rip my kids away from their dad. He's an amazing father just a lousy partner. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MissCanuck Posted February 11, 2017 Share Posted February 11, 2017 Do you really feel it's healthy for your children to be raised in an environment like this? They might not have seen this specific incident, but if you two have unresolved tension, I guarantee those kids feel it too. I find it very alarming that you are so surprised he had a gun handy, assuming your children live with you. Did you not know he kept a gun in your own home? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HeartGoesOn Posted February 11, 2017 Share Posted February 11, 2017 Before you say just leave him! Just please answer my question, am I crazy for not getting over this decade old infidelity? No, you're not crazy. Very few people are able to get past infidelity, and go forward in the long term. Having said that, if you choose to continue, it can't be swept under the rug followed by living happily ever after. Have you at any time considered marriage counseling? I think you have to make a decision as to counseling, or throwing in the towel. Either way, you owe it to yourself... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boltnrun Posted February 11, 2017 Share Posted February 11, 2017 Trust us, your kids know. When my mother FINALLY left my father, the first thing we kids said to her was "Why didn't you divorce that guy years ago???" She was staying "for the kids". Well, no thanks. We would rather have lived in a peaceful household than in the horrible environment we'd been living in. And if you two are getting drunk and pulling loaded guns...yeah, that's a very bad environment. Their dad won't disappear if you two divorce, you know. He can still be an "amazing" father without living with a woman in front of whom he pulls loaded guns and threatens suicide. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kar1106 Posted February 11, 2017 Author Share Posted February 11, 2017 Do you really feel it's healthy for your children to be raised in an environment like this? They might not have seen this specific incident, but if you two have unresolved tension, I guarantee those kids feel it too. I find it very alarming that you are so surprised he had a gun handy, assuming your children live with you. Did you not know he kept a gun in your own home? We never fight in front of the kids. Our spats usually happen in the garage. I knew he had 2 guns but I thought both were in the same location hidden high up from the kids and locked away. This was in a toolbox...idk why he had it out there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hollyj Posted February 11, 2017 Share Posted February 11, 2017 We've built a whole life together. I don't want to rip my kids away from their dad. He's an amazing father just a lousy partner. You are not doing your kids any favors by staying together. Your relationship sounds very unhealthy. Not good for your children. Better that you are apart. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
angrythoughts Posted February 11, 2017 Share Posted February 11, 2017 I know if you see my previous posts everyone just says to leave him but it's easier said than done. So last night we were drinking and I do this about once a year, I bring up the time that he cheated, he starts being a smart ass and tells me to get over it and I get more heated and I keep pushing and pushing....well yesterday he snapped. He said since I can't get over it and he's a piece of that he'll just kill himself, he pulled a gun out and loaded it and pointed it at his head. I didn't even know he had a gun so readily available. I calmed him down, he broke down and pretty much turned it all around on me. Now he's made at me and not talking to me, which is fine. My question is does anyone ever really get over being cheated on? He did this 10 years ago and I know he's ran into her around town and every time he says he does it just brings up those same raw emotions. Before you say just leave him! Just please answer my question, am I crazy for not getting over this decade old infidelity? I have to say I find it perplexing that you're concern is if any of us believe that you can get over being cheated on... just shortly after you told us he loaded a gun and pointed it at himself. Yes you can get over if someone has cheated on you. If you feel like that person has changed and you truly believe they won't do it again the past becomes the past... as more time comes the crappy past becomes diluted with better experiences. And honestly... he cheated 10 years ago. You have to move on. Bringing it up over and over isn't progressive for your relationship. If you're going to be with him then you have to forgive him. How to get over it? Trust him. Do you trust him? Doesn't seem like it. I wouldn't suggest leaving him however. I suggest working on yourself and making sure this guy is sane... He aimed a loaded gun at his own head!!! That's crazy! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kar1106 Posted February 11, 2017 Author Share Posted February 11, 2017 I have to say I find it perplexing that you're concern is if any of us believe that you can get over being cheated on... just shortly after you told us he loaded a gun and pointed it at himself. Yes you can get over if someone has cheated on you. If you feel like that person has changed and you truly believe they won't do it again the past becomes the past... as more time comes the crappy past becomes diluted with better experiences. And honestly... he cheated 10 years ago. You have to move on. Bringing it up over and over isn't progressive for your relationship. If you're going to be with him then you have to forgive him. How to get over it? Trust him. Do you trust him? Doesn't seem like it. I wouldn't suggest leaving him however. I suggest working on yourself and making sure this guy is sane... He aimed a loaded gun at his own head!!! That's crazy! See to me his dramatic blow ups are normal to me. So sorry you're perplexed but in my relationship I'm used to his big dramatic blow ups. This is just a whole new level. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boltnrun Posted February 11, 2017 Share Posted February 11, 2017 Believe me, your kids know. Kids are way more perceptive than you think they are. They know Mom and Dad are getting drunk and fighting. I feel sorry for how much damage is being done to them because YOU don't want to leave their dad. But if you love him so much, WHY do you keep bringing up something he did TEN years ago?? Does it make you feel powerful or something? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kar1106 Posted February 11, 2017 Author Share Posted February 11, 2017 Believe me, your kids know. Kids are way more perceptive than you think they are. They know Mom and Dad are getting drunk and fighting. I feel sorry for how much damage is being done to them because YOU don't want to leave their dad. But if you love him so much, WHY do you keep bringing up something he did TEN years ago?? Does it make you feel powerful or something? Lol powerful? No. Mom and dad getting drunk? Lol I rarely drink. So cool it. My kids never witness any of this, we don't fight or call each other names in front of them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ParisPaulette Posted February 11, 2017 Share Posted February 11, 2017 Yeah, amazing father who thought nothing of where else those bullets would go if he pulled the trigger? Come on, that is the first thing you learn if you have firearms. When you use them, the bullet does not just stop with the intended target. What if he'd pulled that trigger? Where would those bullets have gone after they exited him? Your kids, you, the neighbor next door, someone walking down the street? That he did that at all, is reason enough to leave him. He's not an amazing anything and you are fooling yourself on that. And he won't be amazing if one of your kids finds those guns, which yes kids will. I would get rid of the guns or go lock them up in a safety deposit box or something where he or the kids cannot get to them. Then look into getting a divorce and whether or not he'll let you go without any further incidents. I'm sorry, but a person just doesn't do that who is sane and safe to even own firearms. That's just madness. And no, the kids already know your relationship is crap and wish you'd leave him over it. I had that household, I still regret at the age of 60, that my own mother didn't just toss my dad out the door and be done with him. Even after he quit drinking he still put her through hell and now she's old, alone and very bitter that she wasted her life with him. She has Alzheimers, she's forgot a lot, but still remembers her bad marriage. Don't let that be you. But stay safe and do not approach this guy when he's drinking. In fact, tell him no more alcohol in the house, period end of story and you'll stop nagging about his cheating. But if he goes near those guns or drinks at all, you are gone. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boltnrun Posted February 11, 2017 Share Posted February 11, 2017 Those poor kids. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kar1106 Posted February 11, 2017 Author Share Posted February 11, 2017 Those poor kids. Lol our kids our actually amazing but thanka for your concern Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SooSad33 Posted February 11, 2017 Share Posted February 11, 2017 Now, this guy has some issue's! To act out, that far? Whoaa.... he is trying to turn this all around on YOU... ( manipulation).. Awful behaviour! First of all.. he CHEATED... One strike. Second... he's gotten upset cause you reminded him again... ( Okay- then you are affected by this.. and IMO.. you shoulda left after that happened). Not stayed around to keep going at him about it. Third.. His 'reaction- A gun.. Fps! Get away from this dude.. for your own mental health!! Enough of that! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
j.man Posted February 11, 2017 Share Posted February 11, 2017 Sorry, but after 10 years, yeah, either get over it or don't. Most of us couldn't, but we also wouldn't stay with the cheater, much less proceed to have kids with them. I'm personally not against secured firearms in the house, but anyone who brandishes a loaded weapon inside a home without there being a threat is a danger to everyone in the home. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
evad1 Posted February 11, 2017 Share Posted February 11, 2017 Lol our kids our actually amazing but thanka for your concern You should talk to him about pulling out the firearm. That's very dangerous. I realize you sometimes get caught up in your emotions but he should be careful. As far as the cheating I think 10 years is enough time to get over it. You're asking about the cheating but you already know the answer. If you can't get over it you need to leave him. You really need to talk to him about the firearm thing. I can tell you as someone who's been there before it is possible to get over cheating. you have to stop being insecure about what happen it. put yourself in his shoes. If you were honestly sorry about something you did 10 years ago (I hope he's sorry), How would you feel having to rehash the same thing over and over again, just because you used a trigger word. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Capricorn3 Posted February 11, 2017 Share Posted February 11, 2017 Sorry, but after 10 years, yeah, either get over it or don't. Most of us couldn't, but we also wouldn't stay with the cheater, much less proceed to have kids with them. I'm personally not against secured firearms in the house, but anyone who brandishes a loaded weapon inside a home without there being a threat is a danger to everyone in the home. I second this entire post. Nothing more to add as it covers it all. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notalady Posted February 12, 2017 Share Posted February 12, 2017 It's not about whether you're feelings are reasonable or "crazy". Your feelings are yours and they are valid. It's all about making choices. You either choose to stay and get over it, or you choose to leave because you can't get over it. I know I would've chosen the latter 10 years ago if I were you. I know I would never get over a breach of trust to that level, I wouldn't be confident that I will ever get over it. And even if I can, why would I want to be with a cheater? How can I even trust this person again? And if I can't trust them, there's no point being with them. What is crazy, is that you can't get over it and yet refuse to leave, and then proceed to have children with him and still doing this to this day. What is crazy is that you continue to torture yourself AND your partner with this incident for such an extended period of time. Each time you bring it up, you're reopening a wound and pouring salt on it. And you cointinue to do that for 10 years. It's the irrationality of your choices that doesn't make sense. Back then, it was because of "love", now it's because of children, what will it be in a decade's time? There will always be an excuse to convince yourself with, if you don't want to leave. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Matt3939 Posted February 12, 2017 Share Posted February 12, 2017 There's a lot of problems going on here. I'm just going to concentrate on 1 thing. I was accused of cheating (I didn't in the least) she really believed it. She never stopped. It's the main reason that I left. It's absolutely maddening. Now he did it you either have to let it go or you should have been honest with yourself and left years ago and saved both of your sanity. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Usa1ah Posted February 12, 2017 Share Posted February 12, 2017 So people are wired so that they can not get past something like this. I know I am. If my wife was to ever cheat, I would not stay with her. Feel sorry for ya but if you stay with your H you need to stop bringing it up. Even if you trigger by running into the OW. It has been ten years now and by you staying I am guessing he has done his part to fix what has happened, now you have to fulfill your part by forgiving and forgetting. You cannot keep throwing it at him, you chose to stay. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.