How often should someone in a committed relationship be allowed to go out?

[sweetdesire]

So when you say "go out", you mean to night clubs and such, yes?

 

Also, to understand correctly, you work Mon to Fri and he works on the weekend, and he has his son Mon, Tues night then goes out Weds, Thurs night, so that leaves one night a week where you actually spend time together, for a few hours, is that correct?

 

 

Hi notalady, I actually go over even when he has his son as well, so i'll be everyday Mon-Sun (lets say 3 hrs a day) unless times he chooses to go out during the week which is either Wednesday or Thursday or sometimes even both?. I work during the week, this is why i typically will not go out during the week.

 

It varies like last night he went to dave and busters for a friends bday? sometimes hell go out for drinks but typically yes clubs. Even then, if he does decide to go out he'll contact me once the club is over (not sure if this is good or bad?) I say im unsure if good or bad because he throws that in my face "who do i choose to come home to" however i don't feel that should excuse how many times he has been going out.

 

On the weekends, since I don't work then, I'll either go pick him up after the club or meet him at the apartment if i choose to go out so there's times i'll still see him even if him or I do decide to go out. Hope that makes sense but overall he definitely goes out more than me. He goes out on estimate 2-3 times a week (son no son) and I'll go out maybe every other weekend if that and I have no kids.

[sweetdesire]

Okay, maybe it's just me, but why on earth would you go over to his house and stay there while he goes out? Why not pick up the phone and say, "Hey, are you going out tonight and am I not invited? Because if that's the case I'm just not going to bother." And you don't go over to his place unless you two are spending time together and you tell him that.

 

Me suspects he's leaving you alone to clean his house and cook and do for him while he's out partying with the boys, am I right? If so my advice is don't. You aren't married and if you were he needs to be contributing, which it sounds like he's not even doing now and you two are just dating.

 

Look, if you have to play mom to him then something is wrong, so unsexy for a relationship, you have no idea how that will kill any romance. It sounds like he's doing this a lot, but the larger question is why are you sitting at home waiting for him? Don't. Go take up a class at night or go out yourself or stay at your house and do things, but make it clear if he's not spending time with you then you aren't going to be over there waiting up for him.

 

Really, I do spend time with my friends. So does my husband with his friends. But my husband and I have a rule that an invitation is always open for the other to come along if they want to. We've had that rule since we first started dating. And since we work in different parts of the state, yeah if I had to make the effort and spend my time to go to his place only to have him not invite me out and go out leaving me there he'd only get to do that once. And he'd need to rethink that or come home to an empty dark house doing his own dang dishes.

 

That's not putting restraints on them if you're upset, because they're wasting your time and excluding you. However often that may or may not be, because everyone has a different definition, I think the larger issue here is you feel left out. And it's really rude of him to have you come over then just leave you there and go out on his own.

 

True, you can't and shouldn't have to tell him, "Hey, let me come with you" or "stay with me since I made the trouble to come over." If you are then maybe it's time to put down the dishwashing liquid, tell him to hire a maid, and go home then start working out what it is you do want in a relationship. And if this isn't it, then be done with it.

 

Hello. I appreciate your lengthy response I'm sorry I must have not been clear in my post however I do NOT wait for him at the apartment when he chooses to go out I just won't go over. I've made this quite clear with him, you choose to go out you will not see me.

 

that's a very healthy boundary you and your husband have! that's great it works out for both of you and you found someone who's on the same page as you and respects your wishes, trust me he would not be leaving me in that apartment alone if we lived together lol & this is part of frustration i feel in a sense (maybe im being dramatic) however i feel hes living a double life. He has me committed to him loyal and everything but then he wants to go out and do God knows what. The club scene is not pretty, it's filled of pure temptation and we haven't had issues in the past but I feel he puts himself in a situation to where he's risking being tempted, make sense?

 

We've been out out a couple times me and him. I would say maybe about 5 not including date nights. Recently, we have been hanging out with our friends, its been 2 times. One time when packers played i believe it was 1/22 and this past superbowl 2/5 but yes i sort of depend on him to ask for me to join and maybe i could put myself out there i've just never been that type of girl. I always wait for the guy to make the first move, i typically follow their lead. If they invite me to meet their friends then i'll invite them to meet mine etc.

[j.man]

trust me he would not be leaving me in that apartment alone if we lived together lol

Why wouldn't he? Because he wouldn't be "allowed?"

 

i feel in a sense (maybe im being dramatic) however i feel hes living a double life.

You are.

 

He has me committed to him loyal and everything but then he wants to go out and do God knows what.

Because he's still his own person and enjoys going out.

 

I think you need to stop thinking about this as what he should and shouldn't be allowed to do or how often, and rather see this as him being who he is. If you can't see yourself with a man who enjoys regularly going out with his friends, then find another man. All I'm really seeing for you two is a future of you nagging him and you being upset because it won't stop him from going out with his friends.

[sweetdesire]

Why wouldn't he? Because he wouldn't be "allowed?"

 

You are.

 

Because he's still his own person and enjoys going out.

 

I think you need to stop thinking about this as what he should and shouldn't be allowed to do or how often, and rather see this as him being who he is. If you can't see yourself with a man who enjoys regularly going out with his friends, then find another man. All I'm really seeing for you two is a future of you nagging him and you being upset because it won't stop him from going out with his friends.

 

lol you're so determined I appreciate the follow-up and the follow-up advice. You're right on the money! Through this post I learned maybe I am pushing the issue too much. Him and I just need to clarify the situation and assure he understands my needs need to be met as well. We need to find that healthy "balance." the last thing i would want to do is nagg him, he's 29 years old, hes a grown man and can do as he pleases

[Wiseman2]

Sorry, you are seeing way too much of each other, it's suffocating. Agree what you are doing is almost like a year of booty call, not dating.

 

Stop doing this and go on dates instead. Do not sleep over every night. Why can't he ever go to your place? You need to get much more independent and involved in your own life and start sleeping in your own bed at night more. He's not a baby sitter. You are over-saturating this and being too clingy.

 

Go out with friends, spend time with family, get some hobbies, take lessons, courses etc. There is nothing to talk to him about. You are the one acquiescing to this year-long booty call schedule and need to change that so he looks forward to seeing you.

We see each other every day and I'll spend the night. I'll go over his apartment around 9:30-10:00pm since this is best time that works for our schedule, his son, our gym time etc. Well be in bed by 12pm. We've been doing this exact routine for the year.I also feel i have an issue with this because I'm not into going out as much as him.

[notalady]

Sorry, you are seeing way too much of each other, it's suffocating. Agree what you are doing is almost like a year of booty call, not dating.

 

Stop doing this and go on dates instead. Do not sleep over every night. Why can't he ever go to your place? You need to get much more independent and involved in your own life and start sleeping in your own bed at night more. He's not a baby sitter. You are over-saturating this and being too clingy.

 

Go out with friends, spend time with family, get some hobbies, take lessons, courses etc. There is nothing to talk to him about. You are the one acquiescing to this year-long booty call schedule and need to change that so he looks forward to seeing you.

 

Agreed. Seeing each other every day is waaaay too much.

 

I'm willing to bet that he goes out twice a week to get some "me" time with his friends or maybe not even that, maybe he just tells you that he's gone out so he can be alone for a couple of nights. Between you and his child, and work, he literally gets no time to himself if he wasn't going out (meaning you'll stay over), that's suffocating, have you thought about that?

[reinventmyself]

I agree with the every day thing being too much.

 

You admit that maybe the issue might be that you don't have enough going on in your life.

Please know that when you make someone your universe, it becomes stifling and unattractive.

 

Someone with a little independence, their own fabulous and life and interests is appealing.

Trying to monitor someone else's time is not.

[ParisPaulette]

Okay, so thanks for clarifying things. That helps tremendously. And if you see each other every day then I think this is more a matter of either you have something you want, but are afraid to ask. Or maybe you're getting bored? It does sound like things have gotten into a rut and honestly, you're kind of trying to date a guy who doesn't sound ready to settle down anyways. Clubbing at the age of 29 seems a bit weird to me, but to each their own.

 

You are either going to be fine with him and the time he spends with you, have to speak up and ask for more time and ask him to start taking you out or going out with him more, or maybe admit the relationship isn't really compatible and take it from there.

 

As to loyalty, if you're worried he isn't that's a whole separate problem. One that would need to be addressed differently.

 

Bottom line, you can't ask a partner to go out less, but you can say, "Hey, I'm feeling left out, can you start taking me out to clubs and on dates? I like to go out too."

 

Plus yes, take up other activities yourself and go out too. In fact, that's kind of important to find out now. How does he react if you say, "Great, I'm going out with the girls for the night, have fun." And he knows you're out there having a good time with "temptation" all around too. Is he cool with that, happy for you, or does he say something along the lines of "it's okay for me to go clubbing, but not you."

 

Now is the time to find all this out, honestly. And yeah, you need to have your own life and a bit of an attitude of, "My life is here to be shared, but you and I don't own each other and if you don't want to play in my sandbox others do and will."

 

That also sends a message that you know you're valuable, others know it, and anyone wanting time with you has to make an effort to do so. Nothing like maybe a bit of a shakeup to see where he's at. And no you don't have to do clubs, not at all. Just if he's always out on Wednesday and Thursday nights, you go take up a class or something you like to do then and go out too.

 

Find something to get excited about and enthusiastic about that isn't him, see if he shares that and likes to here about it. People do each need things separate and to keep it all fresh. The relationships I had where the guy kind of knew he was my primary source of entertainment and attention tended to take me for granted after awhile. My current relationship is one where we each know we have to actively spend time with each other, because there are other competing interests. And if one of us doesn't make an effort then they will get left behind.

 

I wish it's something I'd always insisted on, because it keeps our time together much more interesting and alive. And neither of us take the other for granted or grow bored.

[sweetdesire]

Okay, so thanks for clarifying things. That helps tremendously. And if you see each other every day then I think this is more a matter of either you have something you want, but are afraid to ask. Or maybe you're getting bored? It does sound like things have gotten into a rut and honestly, you're kind of trying to date a guy who doesn't sound ready to settle down anyways. Clubbing at the age of 29 seems a bit weird to me, but to each their own.

 

You are either going to be fine with him and the time he spends with you, have to speak up and ask for more time and ask him to start taking you out or going out with him more, or maybe admit the relationship isn't really compatible and take it from there.

 

As to loyalty, if you're worried he isn't that's a whole separate problem. One that would need to be addressed differently.

 

Bottom line, you can't ask a partner to go out less, but you can say, "Hey, I'm feeling left out, can you start taking me out to clubs and on dates? I like to go out too."

 

Plus yes, take up other activities yourself and go out too. In fact, that's kind of important to find out now. How does he react if you say, "Great, I'm going out with the girls for the night, have fun." And he knows you're out there having a good time with "temptation" all around too. Is he cool with that, happy for you, or does he say something along the lines of "it's okay for me to go clubbing, but not you."

 

Now is the time to find all this out, honestly. And yeah, you need to have your own life and a bit of an attitude of, "My life is here to be shared, but you and I don't own each other and if you don't want to play in my sandbox others do and will."

 

That also sends a message that you know you're valuable, others know it, and anyone wanting time with you has to make an effort to do so. Nothing like maybe a bit of a shakeup to see where he's at. And no you don't have to do clubs, not at all. Just if he's always out on Wednesday and Thursday nights, you go take up a class or something you like to do then and go out too.

 

Find something to get excited about and enthusiastic about that isn't him, see if he shares that and likes to here about it. People do each need things separate and to keep it all fresh. The relationships I had where the guy kind of knew he was my primary source of entertainment and attention tended to take me for granted after awhile. My current relationship is one where we each know we have to actively spend time with each other, because there are other competing interests. And if one of us doesn't make an effort then they will get left behind.

 

I wish it's something I'd always insisted on, because it keeps our time together much more interesting and alive. And neither of us take the other for granted or grow bored.

 

You're awesome Paulette thank you again for your reply. i want you to know I really appreciate your advice, it is helping me out a lot. I believe this whole little phase I'm experiencing helped me to really reflect off where we are with our relationship. You're right there is something missing and i need to communicate with him about what this is and how it makes me feel. People have been posting seeing each other every day is way too much however it's only 2-3 hours each of those days we are spending of quality time together.

 

He installs tires for a living therefore we are not constantly texting each other every minute of the day. We have superficial type of conversations like good morning hows your day going but nothing too in depth and or personal if that makes sense. We spend quality time only when we see each other. I'm also realizing his Wednesday/Thursday is like my Friday/Saturday.

 

I understand the whole space thing and it's ironic now because he's the one who wants or wanted to see me everyday! I would be the one to tell him it's too much and i wasn't used to it. Guess that's my fault for not saying no to going over or putting my foot down from the beginning. I think we both just got comfortable and in a sense just felt right so we just continued doing it. & here we are one year later..

 

He does not tell me I can't go out or doesn't dictate my life in any way it's just me choosing not to go out. I wonder now if i start going out like as much as he does if he will have an issue with it since he hasn't really seen that side of me. I've been so dedicated to him and the relationship maybe it is time to find myself again You're right about the taking for granted thing because I do feel that at times.

[sweetdesire]

Agreed. Seeing each other every day is waaaay too much.

 

I'm willing to bet that he goes out twice a week to get some "me" time with his friends or maybe not even that, maybe he just tells you that he's gone out so he can be alone for a couple of nights. Between you and his child, and work, he literally gets no time to himself if he wasn't going out (meaning you'll stay over), that's suffocating, have you thought about that?

 

Hello to be honest not really, I didn't really consider that.. I feel we got caught up in the moment too much and it stayed there for too long. Not until now and with the help of all of you I am starting to realize maybe we do need to start spending time apart.