The Decompression Chamber

[Hell_On_Heels]

In reference to sticking our tongues out...I really do miss the days when we could just make faces at people who upset us. Terrible faces, with your fingers stretching out your face, and almost up your nose...and how we'd start to laugh.

 

I will admit I also feel jealous of 2 year olds having a temper tantrum. Some days throwing myself on the floor and screaming just looks good, ya know?! lol

 

On the professional stuff, I'm using a combination of ignore and redirect. I can't say I've mastered it yet, but it seems to do the trick, most of the time.

 

Brava for you on the fines. Surely you've done the right thing. Laws are there to hold people accountable for their actions when they won't/can't hold themselves accountable. (Did that sound stuffy?)

[RainyCoast]

Brava for you on the fines. Surely you've done the right thing. Laws are there to hold people accountable for their actions when they won't/can't hold themselves accountable. (Did that sound stuffy?)

i feel half conflicted because the fines are scary. i would hate having this done to me ya know. but also, it is pivotal for me to stop taking the consequences of both my own and others' mistakes upon myself, and that i stop throwing myself under the bus for others. this was just a situation where a lot of people and myself were at stake. so it forced me to outgrow my doormat self. they are always so shocked when i am like "Nope. you used up all your chances".

 

they still have until tomorrow to cooperate, and the other report will not be filed. that's the most damage control i can offer to someone who worked hard to create this in the first place.

 

i lost my voice literally. i am whispering today. this his happened before many years ago, when emotional distress affected my vocal chords. it's just such an obvious somatization of the guilt i feel for having a voice.

 

the tantrums i wish i could have are displays of rage. i wish i could just unleash it, tarantino style. but i want to learn assertiveness, not uninhibited aggression. i will. one situation at a time.

[RainyCoast]

she's not budging. there goes report number two.

 

i hate this.

 

i really really hate this.

 

because it doesn't settle anything. it just punished her, and she will almost 100% sure lose her license so she can't do this again, but it doesn't do a damn thing to fix the problems she's caused since september.

 

so i'll be cleaning up her humongous mess anyway.

 

i hate punitive acts. hate them. i wanted a friggin solution.

 

i suddenly feel like i handled this very poorly. it's frustrating because i've done everything to handle it amicably since september. she refused all of them, including mediation. i don't know any other way to go about it.

 

i just know i won't be playing nice for months with the next person who pulls this crap. i can't handle cleaning up their shyte like that repeatedly.

 

i will be asking for a consult with an external professional on how to handle things like this in the future. i feel like i failed miserably.

[Hell_On_Heels]

Whoooaaaaaaa, hold on, sweet RC. I don't know the whole situation, but it looks to me like you are holding yourself responsible for the outcome.

 

Visualize 2 circles. One is you. The other is Fine Meister. These 2 circles should only touch and overlap at the point of mutual interaction. The overlap shouldn't be very large, maybe an eighth of your circle, maybe a fourth if your work is dependent on each other.

 

Fine Meister didn't do the right thing. And now you've about swallowed up her circle into your own. You're saying her failure is your fault. That might be true only if you have magical powers that forces people to do the right thing. I feel pretty confident in guessing you have no such powers lol.

 

The law provided you with one tool designed to encourage honest people to stay honest, a fine. You used this tool. Fine Meister decided to do whatever she wants, and damn the torpedos. Ok. Shrug. She can be a horrible person if she wants to. I can't understand why people want to, but they do sometimes.

 

Please push her circle out of yours and back into its rightful place, far from you. It's setting firm, fair boundaries. The law set one, she broke it...it's that simple. You can't take on the responsibility for her actions. She's not a child. She's not mentally or physically vulnerable to the point she can't take care of herself. So it just doesn't belong to you. Give it back. It's icky anyway.

 

Seems like this is eating you alive, and talking with someone is a good idea. I find it helpful. I just think you are taking on too much. You aren't responsible for other people's choices, only your own. Big hugs sent your way.

[Hell_On_Heels]

the tantrums i wish i could have are displays of rage. i wish i could just unleash it, tarantino style. but i want to learn assertiveness, not uninhibited aggression. i will. one situation at a time.

 

Kickboxing.

Clearing land for a garden.

Running.

Power washing graffiti off of walls.

 

All acceptable methods of releasing rage ....not that I ever ever experience any rage...lol

[journeynow]

Whoooaaaaaaa, hold on, sweet RC. I don't know the whole situation, but it looks to me like you are holding yourself responsible for the outcome.

 

Visualize 2 circles. One is you. The other is Fine Meister. These 2 circles should only touch and overlap at the point of mutual interaction. The overlap shouldn't be very large, maybe an eighth of your circle, maybe a fourth if your work is dependent on each other.

 

Fine Meister didn't do the right thing. And now you've about swallowed up her circle into your own. You're saying her failure is your fault. That might be true only if you have magical powers that forces people to do the right thing. I feel pretty confident in guessing you have no such powers lol.

 

The law provided you with one tool designed to encourage honest people to stay honest, a fine. You used this tool. Fine Meister decided to do whatever she wants, and damn the torpedos. Ok. Shrug. She can be a horrible person if she wants to. I can't understand why people want to, but they do sometimes.

 

Please push her circle out of yours and back into its rightful place, far from you. It's setting firm, fair boundaries. The law set one, she broke it...it's that simple. You can't take on the responsibility for her actions. She's not a child. She's not mentally or physically vulnerable to the point she can't take care of herself. So it just doesn't belong to you. Give it back. It's icky anyway.

 

Seems like this is eating you alive, and talking with someone is a good idea. I find it helpful. I just think you are taking on too much. You aren't responsible for other people's choices, only your own. Big hugs sent your way.

Thank you for this. (A good visual for boundaries in general.)

[RainyCoast]

omg i did not see this, it got swamped under other posts on my page, thank you, thank you, thank you!!! that is so sobering and helpful!! and i just read it now after a whole weekend of sweating that i will have to be unpleasant with Meister 2 as well.

 

actually, being unpleasant with both of them is in the interest of people who have been truly wronged, and i have been very upset with myself that i can feel such guilt that i would be more comfortable to make a harmful person feel comfortable, than to prevent them for continuing to be like this. i guess with the thought that i would almost consider letting clients down just to not have to be assertive with a bully. i'm horrified with that even being in my mental repertoire. i have never even held the power to actually on act on stuff like this before, i mean at least officially, so i kind of feel like a have a toolbelt i don't know how to use.

 

i have honestly never dealt with such people professionally. and now two in a year. the current job is a very small system, encapsulated hermetically in it's dysfunctional bubble. i have learned that previous staff never dared to bring it with management off location, much less authorities, the coercion was extreme. my background is all large, international teams, so if someone was overstepping the line, due to the sheer number of participants you never had to do more than to point it out rationally and politely, present your results, and 60 to 400 people would be supporting anything that's in the client's best interests and automatically declining anything else. i never knew the discomfort of being up against these scenarios on my own.

 

i am actually set on a no tolerating nonsense of any kind roll, as the recent events have made me sickened by the sheer idea of taking responsibility for anyone who has their full capacities about them. took it as proof that it's high time for that i guess. i actually did not realize prior just how much i was still likely to revert to this kind of response. reading this has been a godsent empowerment.

 

thank you so much.

 

i have the consultation with en external advisor set up too, as it might continue to be unpleasant for quite a while, at least with Meister2. i heard she's really helpful.

[RainyCoast]

know what pushed me over the edge to file the next one despite feeling like crap, and to stop sparing the other one as well btw.

 

i consulted a friend and he looked Mesiter 1 up on facebook. called to ask me when i told her that if she doesn't cooperate i'll have to report. told him. he said well since the day after that she's been happily playing games and effing about on facebook.

 

i lost it. i mean lost it. she was unphased apparently. assuming since i have been trying to play nice so long, i must surely be bluffing or something??? or assuming she can get away with anything?? yeah, i wanted her to be faced with her crap then.

 

ugh. just. a-holes. bullies, with zero ethics whatsoever. zero. zero concern for anyone but themselves, and no qualms about benefiting to the detriment of others. in this bizz, it doesn't float. we're not telemarketers.

[RainyCoast]

i can go to sleep finally. you settled and sealed it for me. i recently asked my late mother to clear the doubts away for me. did a lady in a hat send you, because you're literally an answered prayer.

[Hell_On_Heels]

The answered prayer is a two-way street. Your words on my family post were so thoughtful and spot on. It's helping me see me in a new light rather than continually beating myself up.

[RainyCoast]

these ticking bomb posters. i love it when they snap. hilarious. oh no, of course, you're not psycho at all..

[Hell_On_Heels]

these ticking bomb posters. i love it when they snap. hilarious. oh no, of course, you're not psycho at all..

 

Who are we talking about?

[RainyCoast]

every once in a while there will be one. last night i saw a mini explosion. though i don't think they were entirely psycho...just early phase post something unpleasant and taking it out on everyone. i remember one woman though....she came here complaining how another woman threatened to report harassment. i said well yeah you should really leave her alone, she asked to, politely, repeatedly. the woman went off saying where in europe are you so trump can bomb you and stuff like that lol. so i sat back, clicked the mod button and watched her psycho outbursts until the thread got closed down. the other day some bloke threatened to break a poster's teeth...i mean...it just makes you go well that explains why you're having problems. ironically, when posters suggest therapy they take it as an insult and decline they need it.

[RainyCoast]

this is so soothing to watch. [video=youtube;YOtOJHbxQII]

[Jibralta]

the other day some bloke threatened to break a poster's teeth...i mean...it just makes you go well that explains why you're having problems.

 

That one was awesome. He started out by presenting himself as the victim, too: I did nothing wrong. Everything was perfect. I have no idea why she's doing this to me. What? I'll bash your $%#^@ teeth out, you %$^#&.

[RainyCoast]

That one was awesome. He started out by presenting himself as the victim, too: I did nothing wrong. Everything was perfect. I have no idea why she's doing this to me. What? I'll bash your $%#^@ teeth out, you %$^#&.

 

yeah!!! when they get to that point it's useless pointing anything out.

[reinventmyself]

every once in a while there will be one. last night i saw a mini explosion. though i don't think they were entirely psycho...just early phase post something unpleasant and taking it out on everyone. i remember one woman though....she came here complaining how another woman threatened to report harassment. i said well yeah you should really leave her alone, she asked to, politely, repeatedly. the woman went off saying where in europe are you so trump can bomb you and stuff like that lol. so i sat back, clicked the mod button and watched her psycho outbursts until the thread got closed down. the other day some bloke threatened to break a poster's teeth...i mean...it just makes you go well that explains why you're having problems. ironically, when posters suggest therapy they take it as an insult and decline they need it.

 

really? I must be missing all the fun

[RainyCoast]

really? I must be missing all the fun

that "trump will bomb you" woman- i was hoping it would take the mods a while to close it down-- just enough for more folk to see the highly amusing circus. it was so psycho you rarely get to see it.

[Jibralta]

I missed it.

[reinventmyself]

that "trump will bomb you" woman- i was hoping it would take the mods a while to close it down-- just enough for more folk to see the highly amusing circus. it was so psycho you rarely get to see it.

Darn it. I love a good troll. Not because of them, but it brings out the best (or snarkiest) of everyone else.

I end up feeling sooo bonded afterwards

> lol

[RainyCoast]

yes, let's hold hands in a circle and feel the snarky flow like a deep jungle river lol.

 

though the bomb woman...she did all the snarky herself. made me feel like a %#%ing amateur. the teeth guy was just scary...

[RainyCoast]

Reinvent, it's happening, the boyfriend's mom is his girlfriend thread. It's quite the show, take snacks with you lol.

[reinventmyself]

Reinvent, it's happening, the boyfriend's mom is his girlfriend thread. It's quite the show, take snacks with you lol.

 

What???. . .Hilarious

[RainyCoast]

dentist tomorrow. i fear for my money. i rly do. i fear for my teeth too. now that i can see the tooth behind it, there's a small cavity there too. this is insane. i'm an overbrusher and flosser and i was convinced i would take my healthy teeth to the grave. why are they suddenly doing this. i already need procedures for my wisdom teeth, but i didn't think the rest of them were bad.

 

apart from my gritting, my diet has been blah the past two years, i couldn't be bothered. maybe i needed a wake up call.

 

day two surviving on one cup of coffee. it's not bad at all.

 

It turned out a lot easier with Meister 2. We are all talking. It's at least calm, polite, and everyone is weighing in. I'm relieved. It went as well as you would expect from her, she didn't exactly take responsibility for every concern people brought up, and she embellished some of her actions a lot. But that doesn't matter, we didn't want her to flagellate herself while reciting her "sins", we just wanted her to acknowledge problems (she did) and take everyone's concerns into account before giving more orders that end badly. she has said, without being asked, that she wants less say over decisions that affect clients directly, and that she will stop meddling with the decisions made by the other team who handle them. Staff are honest and give her feedback daily. we still agree that we will continue to disregard her directions if we estimate they are unethical, harmful, or are against professional guidelines. I misunderstood about the supervision (or she changed her mind about it, i don't know). We won't be having individual supervision. She hasn't requested it. We still can though. And i'm still milking the external counselor option, i'm seeing her friday.

 

i went for a referral to my old therapist as well. i start again on march 9th, which is quick, i thought i'd be on a waiting list for months. i'm sick of The Slump™. I've been feeling low for months and although I can handle it and it's not horrible, and i definitely made a lot of progress on my own, i am not happy waking up and going to bed with defeatist thoughts. I don't see why I should torture myself when i can get help. I can feel a stubborn nerve in me that wants to recover fully, i'll get that nerve someone to work with. Praise the lord at least this is insurance covered.

[Hell_On_Heels]

RC, I hope it all goes well with your dentist.

 

Dreams do tell us something after all. My son texted me, saying he wasn't ignoring me. He was busy, stressed, and didn't know what to say. I can't describe how relieved I feel knowing he's ok.

 

And knowing that, I'm gonna shift focus and whine about me for a bit. It's been nearly 13 years since I ended my abandonment. In that time, I resumed mothering as if we'd never parted, been open about my choices, listened to their pain, and tried hard to be an example of what we do when we screw up badly. I've wanted to run away sometimes. I've wanted to scream that I am human. The shame, guilt, and pain are overwhelming at times.

 

I've felt that I will always be judged by that one choice, and that nothing else I did before or after will ever mean anything. My oldest has reveled in it, manipulated it. Ironically, he was the one with me the whole time. He believes I am a terrible mom because I couldn't stop him from his gang activities. He's 32, and still doesn't own anything he did. His successes are due to him. Any failures are due to me. He holds this over my head, determined to have his way which usually includes humiliating me in front of others and borrowing lots of money. He called me last year, at a fancy hotel ordering dinner, wanting money to cover it. I asked what he needed it for. He said he was just short on cash. I refused. He makes more than I do. It's not like he had massive medical bills or his car broke down. He has not forgiven me. That's too bad. Forgive me or don't, that's up to him. I know I've done my very best to never repeat my painful behavior, and to help us all heal from it.

 

My daughter has shut me out, let me in, shut me out...as she needs, I guess. In her words, "I know I told you to leave, Mom. But I wanted you to fight longer than you did." Of course I feel inadequate and ill-equipped to be a mom...and yet I am a mom, I can't unring that bell. So what do I do now? I finally reached a point where I said she needs to let me know if she needs space from me, or if she wants me close. It's ok if that changes back and forth. But she has to tell me, and not play games with it. Once she processed that, she thanked me for respecting her boundaries and helping her to heal. We are much better since then. I'm pretty happy with our strengthening friendship.

 

Only my youngest, the one who suffered the most, he's the only one who didn't spend years on recriminations and punishment. He is the child of my heart, the one most like me, the one that no one else wanted but me. It nearly killed me to think that he hadn't done some healing over the past years...that maybe he'd kept it all hidden, locked inside. It would've meant our relationship over the past years was fake. Much worse than that, it would've meant he was martyring himself...to me? I feel like throwing up.

 

But his text meant he is ok. Maybe embarrassed, maybe needing to work through more stuff with me. But no fakery, hiding, martyring. If it's selfish to feel happy now, then I'm a selfish person.