My Odyssey

[IAmFCA]

1. You knew she was bad news.

2. Maybe: "LOs name has come up a few times - maybe you already know that we dated a short while? I like focusing on the present, and that is old news. Its a small world -- Are you and LO friends?"

[abitbroken]

1. You knew she was bad news.

2. Maybe: "LOs name has come up a few times - maybe you already know that we dated a short while? I like focusing on the present, and that is old news. Its a small world -- Are you and LO friends?"

 

I honestly think that you should mention it and say just like you think - that you went out just a couple times and decided that you weren't interested in eachother and went your separate ways. I think the fact that she is programmed in her phone that you should say something.

[IAmFCA]

I honestly think that you should mention it and say just like you think - that you went out just a couple times and decided that you weren't interested in eachother and went your separate ways. I think the fact that she is programmed in her phone that you should say something.

 

I agree. No bending truth- a couple, several, a shot time

[Clarisse]

The fact that you are so adamant about NOT telling makes her (Lo) seem like a much bigger deal than she should be. I think that's what new woman is picking up on and why she keeps bringing here up. She is clearly giving you openings to say something. Be careful not to self-sabotage. Don't let your hang ups about Lo ruin a good thing.

[Sportster2005]

My mind's made up. Not telling her, unless she specifically asks. I don't mention other women that I only went out for a couple of dates with. LO isn't going to be an exception.

 

I don't think she knows. I think she is on a fishing expedition, and I'm not going to bite. If they do talk someday and CS is wondering why I didn't say anything I'll say because she's irrelevant, like any other woman I went out on a couple of dates with.

 

Trust me. CS seems like the type if she wants to know something, she'll just ask.

[abitbroken]

My mind's made up. Not telling her, unless she specifically asks. I don't mention other women that I only went out for a couple of dates with. LO isn't going to be an exception.

 

I don't think she knows. I think she is on a fishing expedition, and I'm not going to bite. If they do talk someday and CS is wondering why I didn't say anything I'll say because she's irrelevant, like any other woman I went out on a couple of dates with.

 

Trust me. CS seems like the type if she wants to know something, she'll just ask.

 

But she HAS asked you - the first time you answered simply "yes, i know her" - but she asked AGAIN and slightly pointedly - she showed you her phone. Don't wait for her to say "Did you date LO?" She asked you a second time in a short amount of days, so instead of thinking "did she forget she asked me" - NO believe me she didn't if she's anything like me. Its uncomfortable to say "i heard you went out with her".

 

Most people who are posed that question usually say more like "yes. I used to see her at dance lessons. I think i remember her" or "Small world. I have not seen her in a long time - how do you know LO?" The third time she asks, it may be a "gotcha". That's just me. Just act natural - don't be paranoid or worried about it - but maybe have something prepared. don't say "she's inconsequential" just tell the truth. You went out a one or two times and it you decided not to date her or whatever

[faraday]

But she HAS asked you - the first time you answered simply "yes, i know her" - but she asked AGAIN and slightly pointedly - she showed you her phone. Don't wait for her to say "Did you date LO?" She asked you a second time in a short amount of days, so instead of thinking "did she forget she asked me" - NO believe me she didn't if she's anything like me. Its uncomfortable to say "i heard you went out with her".

 

Most people who are posed that question usually say more like "yes. I used to see her at dance lessons. I think i remember her" or "Small world. I have not seen her in a long time - how do you know LO?" The third time she asks, it may be a "gotcha". That's just me. Just act natural - don't be paranoid or worried about it - but maybe have something prepared. don't say "she's inconsequential" just tell the truth. You went out a one or two times and it you decided not to date her or whatever

 

^this

 

She has asked you...twice. It wasn't an accident.

[reinventmyself]

I don't if she forgot asking me the other day, or ??? There was something in her tone. It wasn't very nice..It was like we both didn't want to talk about the elephant in the room.

 

I'll bet lunch she knows and is wondering why you just don't come out and just say so.

I'll also bet she's wondering why there is an elephant in the room too.

 

If it were me, it could cause me to feel uncertain considering the possibility that you aren't being transparent about something that's obvious to both of us.

[IAmFCA]

S

 

You know me. I would be over on my journal page saying, Im sure they went out but it was just weird when I brought up her name. I think he may need a little time. I wonder if they still talk, evem though she is in Toronto now.

 

Then when you travel or turn your phone off for some r and r i will be extra attentive.

 

And Batya will tell me not to make assumptions. And you will tell me if he can't be kind and trusting why do I even bother. But I like him so I will hang in there and stay silent.

 

Anything you say after all that will be suspect.

 

I think now you can say, I don't talk about people I have been on dates with. When you mentioned LO i just clammed up which was silly. We dated a couple of times. I haven't talked to her in ages. How is she doing since the move? .... Oh good, glad to hear it

 

So, are we getting Thai food or Chinese? .....

[Clarisse]

You're making this much harder than it has to be, Sportster. Trust us.

[Sportster2005]

Sigh. I appear to be alone on this. Even a couple of people I talk to here believe I should fess up. The next time, I promise, she brings it up, I'll say something.

[IAmFCA]

Sigh. I appear to be alone on this. Even a couple of people I talk to here believe I should fess up. The next time, I promise, she brings it up, I'll say something.

 

Its just not that big a deal. We don't know her motivations. But you want to be clear about yours.

[Sportster2005]

Yesterday was an interesting day. It was one year since I met LO. And I answered one of the most important questions in my life.

 

I spent some time yesterday pondering how much my life has changed since LO, and indirectly because of LO. After dating failures I take some time to think of what I did wrong, and what I need to do in the future. After LO I took my journey in solitude and took my physical and mental/emotional fitness to new levels. The result is a more peaceful and confident me. Things wouldn't have gone so smooth with me and CS without this new found me.

 

Was I hesitant with LO because of insecurity, or, was it because I sensed something wrong? It was a big question that swirled around inside my brain now for the past year. I think I would have it answered, then I would revisit it over and over.

 

Last night CS and I went to a dance. PD, who is LO's ex that teaches at the dance studio, showed up. CS said "oh there's PD". She asked me if he was the instructor we previously talked about. I said, yes it was. She proceeded to tell me about PD and LO. The story went something like this. CS was on pof chatting with a guy. CS told the guy she was a dancer. The guy proceeded to tell CS about an incident with another dancer he had dated. He had been dating this dancer for about five months. He had keys to her house. One night she cancelled a date last minute. Said she wanted some alone time. The guy found this odd. He drove by her house and saw a car in the driveway. He went in and found her having sex with another man. The dancer in the story was LO, the man she was having sex with was PD. On top of everything else LO is a cheating ho. She has also known to date much older men for trips down South, and other favours. Draw your own conclusions.

 

After the story I said "that's good to know, I went out with LO a couple of times last summer. Nothing ever came from it". I mentioned LO was unsure how she felt about another man. So I graciously bowed out. I also told her a bit about some of the drama, where she accused me of spreading rumours about her.

 

Later in the same conversation CS mentioned women hate LO. She's always on the prowl for her next conquest. It was with great pride I was able to look right at CS and tell her "I was not one of her conquests". I suspect CS never knew I dated LO. Her face softened and she smiled. I think she really liked to hear that. I don't know if she knew, I suspect she didn't. Regardless, she seemed relieved and happy, there was no "conquest".

 

The answer to the above question is obvious to me know. I correctly detected something wrong with LO. That's why I sabotaged. That's why I didn't clearly pursue her when I had a clear shot. That's why when she cancelled last minute one night, I was almost sure it was for another man. My intuition, my gut was bang on. It wasn't insecurity. Yeah she was a beautiful woman. But so what? On some level I've always felt I was a good man for her.

 

I feel even more at peace today. CS knows about LO. I've answered a very important question. There's nothing left to do now but move forward with CS.

 

My previous dance partner was there last night. She seemed hurt to see me with CS. She left early. That made me sad.

 

CS did know LO moved to Toronto. They must have been talking. I didn't meet CS until after the move.

[IAmFCA]

Yes.

 

One of your more incisive posts. You knew that you knew, then.

 

What you didn't know, and now do, is to be confident in your choices.

 

---

 

I am glad to read how you handled it with CS. Perfect. I had thought she may have suspected you two had been sexual, and that it would have disappointed her.

 

Nicely done.

[reinventmyself]

It is interesting when we surround ourselves with healthy, stable people we can then look back objectively.

I wish we could do that in the moment.

Something to strive for, heh?

 

I had an exchange with a male friend of mine. He sent me a snarky text when S and I reconciled. I didn't talk to him for 5 months.

When we did talk about it I told him how it made me feel.

And he simply validated it and understood. In turn he told me his intention behind it and I acknowledged that.

In less than 2 min's the issue was resolved and we moved on. There were no winners or losers. No one got hurt. lol

 

I hung up the phone and in the moment I compared it to any issue that S and I had. The same scenario would have been Defcon 1.

How often did I feel I was part of the problem or if S had his way, I was the difficult one?

But you see, I don't have these type of issues with anyone else.

Sad that I was surprised by such a simple exchange with my friend.

 

I had lost sight of the fact that I can actually articulate my position on something respectfully.

But I suppose if we can suck up most of the responsibility as to why something isn't flying straight then we can correct it ourselves.

Because it's the only thing we have control over. It's flawed thinking.

 

Ok. .Sorry I derailed a little here.

I am glad you can come to peace with this and you have a different experience to counterbalance the previous one.

[Batya33]

So glad to hear that you aired it out with CS and how well it went!!

[IAmFCA]

It is interesting when we surround ourselves with healthy, stable people we can then look back objectively.

I wish we could do that in the moment.

Something to strive for, heh?

 

I had an exchange with a male friend of mine. He sent me a snarky text when S and I reconciled. I didn't talk to him for 5 months.

When we did talk about it I told him how it made me feel.

And he simply validated it and understood. In turn he told me his intention behind it and I acknowledged that.

In less than 2 min's the issue was resolved and we moved on. There were no winners or losers. No one got hurt. lol

 

I hung up the phone and in the moment I compared it to any issue that S and I had. The same scenario would have been Defcon 1.

How often did I feel I was part of the problem or if S had his way, I was the difficult one?

But you see, I don't have these type of issues with anyone else.

Sad that I was surprised by such a simple exchange with my friend.

 

I had lost sight of the fact that I can actually articulate my position on something respectfully.

But I suppose if we can suck up most of the responsibility as to why something isn't flying straight then we can correct it ourselves.

Because it's the only thing we have control over. It's flawed thinking.

 

Ok. .Sorry I derailed a little here.

I am glad you can come to peace with this and you have a different experience to counterbalance the previous one.

 

I agree/empathize/validate.

 

I have a theory, and that is, that when we are blind to what we see, it is because we want to prove a point to ourselves. Test what we see. Sportster saw LO for what she was at the time, but also wondered if he was right, concluded she didn't offer what he wanted, and walked away. Exactly the right analysis. Now he knows that is who she was; whatever made him want to give her the benefit of the doubt is no longer relevant.

 

I harbor a sense that some people aren't seen, and that if we can just SEE them, we will discover a gem that others overlook. Have never articulated that before, and I suppose it comes from years feeling unseen myself, for seeing the sides of my family, for knowing how to love people whom I don't like. Proving to myself that I see what other people don't -- why did I do that? Why does anyone?

 

So much simpler when we get to the fundamental truth: Accept that we have not found what we seek. I suppose that acceptance is the thing we avoid, paradoxically, by choosing to continue looking in the wrong place.

 

It helps to say What I seek is not here. The same as He/She does not offer what I want, except the power is placed back in our own hands, where it always has been.

[abitbroken]

I am glad that the air was cleared. I like that you told her that you were not LO's conquest. I am happy for you about this new dating relationship

[Sportster2005]

It is interesting when we surround ourselves with healthy, stable people we can then look back objectively.

I wish we could do that in the moment.

Something to strive for, heh?

 

I had lost sight of the fact that I can actually articulate my position on something respectfully.

But I suppose if we can suck up most of the responsibility as to why something isn't flying straight then we can correct it ourselves.

Because it's the only thing we have control over. It's flawed thinking.

 

Ok. .Sorry I derailed a little here.

I am glad you can come to peace with this and you have a different experience to counterbalance the previous one.

 

As long as you strive and try your life has no choice but to improve.

 

Derailments are highly encouraged. Thanks for sharing It was a very interesting perspective.

[Sportster2005]

So glad to hear that you aired it out with CS and how well it went!!

 

Thanks Batya

[Sportster2005]

I agree/empathize/validate.

 

I have a theory, and that is, that when we are blind to what we see, it is because we want to prove a point to ourselves. Test what we see. Sportster saw LO for what she was at the time, but also wondered if he was right, concluded she didn't offer what he wanted, and walked away. Exactly the right analysis. Now he knows that is who she was; whatever made him want to give her the benefit of the doubt is no longer relevant.

 

I harbor a sense that some people aren't seen, and that if we can just SEE them, we will discover a gem that others overlook. Have never articulated that before, and I suppose it comes from years feeling unseen myself, for seeing the sides of my family, for knowing how to love people whom I don't like. Proving to myself that I see what other people don't -- why did I do that? Why does anyone?

 

So much simpler when we get to the fundamental truth: Accept that we have not found what we seek. I suppose that acceptance is the thing we avoid, paradoxically, by choosing to continue looking in the wrong place.

 

It helps to say What I seek is not here. The same as He/She does not offer what I want, except the power is placed back in our own hands, where it always has been.

 

Part of our selection problem is we find ourselves in the odd position of desiring something we don't need or want, and we know will actually hurt us. It's not quite love is blind. We often see what the problem is. However we ignore it. We rationalize it away. If you take away emotion and attraction it becomes very easy. S/He does not have what I desire. Next. BUT !!! s/he doesn't have what I desire, but when s/he kisses I melt away, and the chemicals release and I want that feeling again. LO was a study in wanting something that was obviously bad. It wasn't as crystal clear at the time because of the infatuation. I avoided the acceptance because I wanted her so bad. Finding out if I was right came last night. Or more accurately, I became convinced of my rightness.

 

I am a little more sad today. I've seen a horrible toxic person now up close. You can go through life knowing something. I always knew there were women like LO like there. But once you experience it, it becomes real. Hard to explain. Not jaded or bitter. Just sad that there are broken people out there hurting other people. I used to see a good side to her. A hidden benevolence. Someone shaped by sad circumstances. Not any more. I won't belabour the point. I'm sad because I've run out of nice things to say about her.

 

Compare that with CS. Acceptance is easy. I have found what I seek. Sure there is some infatuation. I am vigilant for red flags. At the same time I won't go looking for trouble where none exists. It's not perfect. If it was I would be concerned. We haven't had a chance to resolve conflict. I'm sure it will come. We both know it. We also know this stage never happens again. We are enjoying it very much. We are indulging in romance. We are bonding steadily. There is no pressure. We seem to be singing from the same song sheet.

 

She said she feels she could jump and I would catch her. I will.

[Clarisse]

I'm so glad you cleared the air about LO. No more elephant in the room and you can concentrate on the budding relationship rather than old, toxic baggage. It's freeing, isn't it? Good for you.

[IAmFCA]

This line:

 

She said she feels she could jump and I would catch her. I will.

 

Makes me very happy. A compliment reserved for a very fe8w.

[Sportster2005]

I'm so glad you cleared the air about LO. No more elephant in the room and you can concentrate on the budding relationship rather than old, toxic baggage. It's freeing, isn't it? Good for you.

 

Thanks Clarisse, it's very, very freeing. She was the lesson I needed, not the one I wanted

[Sportster2005]

This line:

 

She said she feels she could jump and I would catch her. I will.

 

Makes me very happy. A compliment reserved for a very fe8w.

 

Thanks ITIC, !!!!!