I'm uncomfortable around my mother

[inguriddo]

I don't understand it sometimes. She's never hurt me physically or anything. She's always been very strict, even now that I'm in my 20's I'm only allowed to go out with friends twice a month and even then I have to ask permission. She's never really been that mom that lends a shoulder to cry on because every time I would about myself she would change it to something about her. She's someone very emotionally delicate, in my childhood she was always crying and because of this I feel crying is some sign of weakness. She's just always been about her I guess. I feel because of this she often irritates me. I don't understand why sometimes because being hugged by her makes me feel very very uncomfortable. It makes me feel like I don't want to be touched my her and I'm actually someone that often hugs friends. I don't know if you guys would know why I'm reacting this way. I've just never been one to know about my feelings. Thank you.

[Reflections11]

You are in your twenties and have to ask permission to go out with friends? That's not normal or reasonable. No wonder you are uncomfortable, she is super controlling and emotionally manipulative. You need to start working on getting independent. Get a job, move out from home, start building your own freedom. You will feel a lot better when you stop giving her so much power and control over you.

[LC8328]

She sounds emotionally unstable and very needy to boot.

 

I understand. My mother is a... "unique" individual as well, a constant issue in my life.

 

I agree that moving out is a good start. Not only because it will give you independence but it will give you a little breathing room. I know you didn't really ask for that type of advice, but I do feel that moving out will help you a LOT. It is NOT easy to live with your ego-centric, strict mother as an adult. At all.

 

If you can't quite afford it yet, perhaps look into renting a room nearby. That's much cheaper than an actual apartment, and it'll do until you can afford more. Start with people you know and trust. Most importantly, don't let her talk you out of gaining your own independence. Don't feel guilty about it either. Good luck.

[BigOsh03]

Clearly there is deeper lying issues. I feel the same when it comes to hugging/kissing my mum. But I grew up watching her being an alcoholic. And didn't need permission to go out from the age of 15. I feel I secretly hold it against her for never admitting/apologising for her flaws. Your case seems to be similar although different but ironically, the issues are never spoke of (like my own). My advice; TELL your mum your having a night out with the lads, don't ask. Then when u stumble through the front door at 8am Sunday morning smelling like Ronnie Wood's pocket, slap her a high 5 and tell her a Sunday sesh is on the cards. Quick shower and back out, tell her she's welcome to join. If she accepts, u may we'll end up being best mates forever. Or she'll chuck u out and change the locks. The decision is yours. As sarcastic as this post may seem, I'm deadly serious. Good luck.

[musicman777]

My advice regarding his. First of all, everyone here is correct; you're in your 20's, quit letting mommy boss you around. You should be able to walk in and out of the house whenever the hell you feel like it. Parents usually take control over a persons live into adulthood when they depend on them; if she's paying some of your bills, buying you food, clothes, etc. in any way, it's time to put an end to that. So part of the factor here is you simply have to grow up.

 

Number two advice; I suggest you find ways to get comfortable with your mother. Last year I almost lost my mom in a medical emergency with her stomach; I watched her lay in ICU for 50+ days, unable to speak with tubes and machines in her mouth and even go off the rails mentally for a while, where she was no longer competent for a while. She's now on the road to recovery fortunately. But you only have one birth mother in your life, and you should do what you can to make things work with them. Because once something happens to them (and eventually it will, because they are older than you), that's it.

 

Sometimes you can't change them or their behavior/feelings towards you, even after you grow up. But the least you can do is try. Maybe take mom out once in a while somewhere or invite her to do things; you're an adult and have that capability. You ever do certain activities along of some kind, maybe invite her to join you one day. Not my mother buy my dad I have negative feelings for. He's an alcoholic and has been all his life. But I try to make things work with him because he is 79 years old and doesn't have much time left on this Earth. Do what you can to keep them in your life now, because once they are gone, that's it.

[chitown9]

It sounds like your mother has issues. She may have a mental illness. Whatever it is, it makes you uncomfortable. The best thing that you can do for YOURSELF is to get out on your own. You will feel so much better. You will be able to deal with her from a distance. I think I would feel sorry for her in a way. Do you feel sorry for her? If you do, don't make it a reason to stick around. You need to be on your own. She is controlling, and that in itself is not healthy for you. YOU NEED TO DO WHAT IS BEST FOR YOU. chi

[inguriddo]

My advice regarding his. First of all, everyone here is correct; you're in your 20's, quit letting mommy boss you around. You should be able to walk in and out of the house whenever the hell you feel like it. Parents usually take control over a persons live into adulthood when they depend on them; if she's paying some of your bills, buying you food, clothes, etc. in any way, it's time to put an end to that. So part of the factor here is you simply have to grow up.

 

Number two advice; I suggest you find ways to get comfortable with your mother. Last year I almost lost my mom in a medical emergency with her stomach; I watched her lay in ICU for 50+ days, unable to speak with tubes and machines in her mouth and even go off the rails mentally for a while, where she was no longer competent for a while. She's now on the road to recovery fortunately. But you only have one birth mother in your life, and you should do what you can to make things work with them. Because once something happens to them (and eventually it will, because they are older than you), that's it.

 

Sometimes you can't change them or their behavior/feelings towards you, even after you grow up. But the least you can do is try. Maybe take mom out once in a while somewhere or invite her to do things; you're an adult and have that capability. You ever do certain activities along of some kind, maybe invite her to join you one day. Not my mother buy my dad I have negative feelings for. He's an alcoholic and has been all his life. But I try to make things work with him because he is 79 years old and doesn't have much time left on this Earth. Do what you can to keep them in your life now, because once they are gone, that's it.

 

I thank you for the advice but there are more personal reasons why I am continued to live in this house that I chose not to share and it has nothing to do with me not "growing up". Therefore since I continue to live here I follow her rules, I may be an adult but I am not disrespectful. I simply wanted to know why she made me feel uncomfortable. I understand we only have one parents given to us.

[nutbrownhare]

She's never really been that mom that lends a shoulder to cry on because every time I would about myself she would change it to something about her. She's just always been about her I guess. I feel because of this she often irritates me.

 

I think you've just answered your own question. If we're feeling irritated by people - in your case, with good reason - then it's impossible to feel comfortable around them. As an adult, your needs will be less than when you were a child, but I'd guess that she's never been a loving mother to you, and you'll be carrying a lot of unconscious anger around that, too. To say nothing of her restrictions on your adult life...