heartbroken23 Posted March 30, 2005 Share Posted March 30, 2005 If I had met you now... For the first time in a while I find myself resorting to writing my thoughts down instead of telling them aloud. I cannot believe it has been almost a year since we parted...they say time flies when your having fun, although I cannot say it has been that fun. At one point I thought there was no way I could ever be without you for a month, let alone a year...We both live separate lives...do our own thing....when before, you were me...you symbolized who I was, I never felt so comfortable with one person ever before...I felt I could act and talk to you like you were my best friend...well you are. Maybe that was my problem all along...I got way too comfortable with you. I should have treated us like way I did coming home from track practice to wilkinson...nervous and happy and so scared that I would do something to embarrass myself...wow, how comfortable it got...but I suppose it gets like that in relationships, I guess the ones that last are the ones that preserve that nostalgia and newness, where every date seems like the first date, every kiss like the first kiss...If only I had met you now...knowing what I now know. I try to block you out of my memory, but it seems everyday I see your eyes and smile, wondering if I will ever get to look into your eyes and smile back at you, wondering if I will ever get kiss your lips, caress your face...wondering if that day will ever come when two become one. I can try to replace you, but how do you replace the irreplacable? What to do when noone measures up to what you expect...I cannot give my heart to someone yet....you can....maybe I have not met that person, maybe it will always be you. "There are plenty of fish in the sea" They are great to help time go by, occupy those days when I just want to forget you...but all I seem to want is that one fish...the fish that I had, but let slip between my fingers and swim away, that one fish I thought I could always have, but took for granted. We can be friends....but such an easy thing to say, so hard to actually do. So I can see what I had and what someone else now has..., hard to take when I was once Number 1....so I can work up the courage to call you, but then never press send, so scared I'd be calling at a weird time...I could try to call you and ask you to hang out...only to get denied because "this or that" when it is obvious why...or actually do see you...watching you look at the time or checking your phone...knowing your going home to someone else...and not me...one more scar for my heart. It is not like you would ever call me...but what would I do if you did...analyze, think, wonder...only to get disappointed in the end. We are just friends...but we both are doing our thing...maybe one day brought back together, but I cannot see how, when we are apart so long...we don't see each other, or talk much....things are so complicated....,feeling so scared and uncomfortable around the one I was the most comfortable with.... I will never search for love...I will not look, love will find me...and when it does I wonder if it will be you...I know that I will never settle with someone I can live with...I will settle with someone that I can't live without...whether that ends up being you, time will tell. I just can't help but think and wonder....every single day... Link to comment
heartbroken_f Posted March 30, 2005 Share Posted March 30, 2005 Wow. That post really sums up my emotions. Except I am still longing for a guy I broke up with a little over a year ago. I wonder if we will ever see each other again and if I will ever hear his voice...only time will tell. You have a wonderful way with words... Link to comment
codaaurora Posted March 30, 2005 Share Posted March 30, 2005 This is beautiful and so heartfelt! Don't worry, it will get better eventually and honestly, no one knows what the future holds. Link to comment
heartbroken23 Posted March 30, 2005 Author Share Posted March 30, 2005 thanks guys...for once I spoke my mind on paper instead out loud...I just kept going and it felt good in the end...I felt like alot was off my chest, even though i didn't tell her this directly. Link to comment
heartbroken23 Posted March 31, 2005 Author Share Posted March 31, 2005 So her response to my blog..... you made me cry =( I'm so sorry that this has happened xxxx. Just know that I do care about you and i know what you mean about how it is hard to be friends but please know that I will always be your friend and I hope you will always be mine. Please don't try to forget about me I will never forget you! and my final blog entry in response to that.... Ok...so it is plain to see, so obvious now, that I have to pick up the pieces and move on. Sarah, I know it and you know that I will NEVER forget you...it would be close to impossible for that happen...but you are apparently happy with your life now and things are going good. If so I am happy for you...you deserve it. I hope you are doing things for the right reasons and not reasons that you told me before....because you are scared to be alone...but that is your choice. If I do not really try now, I can forsee me being even more hurt in the future...and I cannot and will not let that happen to me. I have to stop dangling on to that string of hope that I had....I really thought there was a chance...a small chance before I came home...It is sad because that was one of the reasons I decided not to stay longer....but we know that that a combination of things made me believe that....but it worked out good anyways...I found good job I guess. But hey, maybe not now...maybe we'll bump into each other in a couple of years and we'll connect, maybe thats god plan...who knows. All I know is that we could never just "be together again". We could never just jump back into something...I would not want that and I know you wouldn't either. We would have to be friends first, probably for a long time.... and right now it is just too hard to be your friend. It is not like we live in the same town or area and see each other all the time. That has its negatives and its plusses. At least I don't have to see you out, but on the flip side, it squanders all opportunites of just bumping into each other...seeing if anything is still there. Being that we are so far away from each other, it changes everything....in order to see each other or talk to each other, it would require a phone call to meet...which is akward as I said before... no chance of randomly bumping into each other (ok i probably just confused you). As much as it made sense about what you said being in each others lives, being friends.....it is just to hard. I cannot hang out with you when you are with someone.....I want that sooo bad..to be your friend, but my heart would have to be made of stone or be ice cold to that, and honestly my heart longs for you. I am strong, but I would have to be superman to do that. Some guys can, but I cannot. It makes it virtually impossible for me to move on...it effects me dating other girls because I cannot be with anyone when I feel the way I feel about you...but how does it happen? How and when do we know when it is right to be in each others lives again....its not like you will call me out of the blue if you are single? Would I do that? I know that sounds incredibly selfish...but I would not want you to come into my life again unless you were not in a relationship...or the only other way would be if I had no feelings for you....It is not about being selfish, it is about my heart. If I had a strong heart, then I could...but I don't. How would we know...you see it is soo complicated and hard and that is why I have virtually lost all hope for that...but who knows, as I said, maybe we'll bump into each other and find things out about us...maybe we'll both be single and will want to hang out...maybe you or I will be married....fate is a funny thing. But you don't have to worry about me forgetting you....I love you way too much for that to happen....but I need to try everything in my power to make me believe that it is trully over and I need to pick up the pieces of my heart and move on. I just wish it didnt take me 10 months to figure this out......Always Munchkin xxx Link to comment
heartbroken23 Posted March 31, 2005 Author Share Posted March 31, 2005 do you think that this was ok to write.....did I end up screwing myself and ruining any chance of being with her again? Link to comment
Recommended Posts
Create an account or sign in to comment
You need to be a member in order to leave a comment
Create an account
Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!
Register a new accountSign in
Already have an account? Sign in here.
Sign In Now