Ladies if you went out on 3 dates with a guy and then he told you

[Batya33]

no it wasn't homelessness it was more fighting to prevent homelessness by a certain date.

 

Again, if 4 months to find a new place to live provokes that level of dramatic reaction in you such that you're going to stop getting to know someone you just met, then my suggestion is to keep seeking out platonic social opportunities if you feel like it but put off dating until you believe that you won't run away when things get tough in the way you described. Much more fair to you and to the other person.

[pippy longstocking]

why do you ask ? This was last year , I am curious as to why you are curious ...have you hit her up and she is not interested now ?

[sd95]

OP did you think it means you can't date because the situation was stressful for you and you couldn't think about dates, or because dating is expensive? i'm guessing the women in question didn't strike you like people who would appreciate cheap dates or they weren't interesting enough to you that you'd bother spending free quality time with them.

 

if you think there's a general judgemental attitude "out there" regarding a guy's finances, get rid of the assumption. most people want to meet people, not credit cards. i think where there's mutual interest, both would quickly conclude they could go for a walk and split a bagel. but i can understand how after three dates that level of investment wasn't yet established.

 

 

Combination of both since I had no idea where I was going to be living and needed to save the money for moving expenses. So it was no way I could be romantic with all that going on.

[sd95]

oh, sometimes one needs to read the OP twice lol.

 

 

she liked you. she didn't mind. next, you are saying you ended it because you had to save every dime you could, yet this woman clearly suggested free dates.

 

i agree if you're freaked out 4 months notice i would be afraid that your frustration tolerance is somewhat low and would wonder whether, as a partner, you'd be apt to handle the fact that "life happens".

 

 

yes it was 4 months but I had to still find a place that was affordable and in a safe neighborhood. And for apartments to be listed they had to be available in the first place which made the hunt challenging.

[sd95]

I'm sorry but I think if you were really into your date you would find a way to still see her no matter what the circumstances. Personally I would of thought you weren't into me and made up a story to move on.

 

Things happen in life it doesn't mean you have to shut down. Did you still go to work?

 

 

Yeah I still had to go to work so I could continue to make money to save up for moving expenses.

[sd95]

why do you ask ? This was last year , I am curious as to why you are curious ...have you hit her up and she is not interested now ?

 

 

Just was curious because I had a discussion with my friend and wanted to know if other ladies felt the same.

[RainyCoast]

i see. so, you knew what the challenge demanded of you and you don't sound like someone with half a brain. definitely see no reason why you'd end up homeless having four months to prevent it from happening. i'm sure if you couldn't find a nice place in a safe neighborhood, you'd prevent homelessness by renting a loft or living with roommates temporarily.

 

i am not being critical or suspicious of your motives, i am asking these things because i wonder if you see yourself somehow completely inept and helpless against life, that you would just conclude "the worst has happened, i can't date, i'm this close to sitting on a street corner" rather than "check! out !all! the places!"

 

forget this woman in particular, after three dates people aren't attached enough to think too deeply about it. more likely they shrug it off as "whatever". but if there's an issue with how you handle what life brings to you, it's worth thinking about. for yourself and because potential mates will smell it and not mind your situation, but your outlook on it.

[Batya33]

Combination of both since I had no idea where I was going to be living and needed to save the money for moving expenses. So it was no way I could be romantic with all that going on.

 

No, you chose not to continue dating because of what was going on. Not 'no way" - you chose not to make dating a priority.

[sd95]

i see. so, you knew what the challenge demanded of you and you don't sound like someone with half a brain. definitely see no reason why you'd end up homeless having four months to prevent it from happening. i'm sure if you couldn't find a nice place in a safe neighborhood, you'd prevent homelessness by renting a loft or living with roommates temporarily.

 

i am not being critical or suspicious of your motives, i am asking these things because i wonder if you see yourself somehow completely inept and helpless against life, that you would just conclude "the worst has happened, i can't date, i'm this close to sitting on a street corner" rather than "check! out !all! the places!"

 

forget this woman in particular, after three dates people aren't attached enough to think too deeply about it. more likely they shrug it off as "whatever". but if there's an issue with how you handle what life brings to you, it's worth thinking about. for yourself and because potential mates will smell it and not mind your situation, but your outlook on it.

 

 

The main reason for it because dating is costly and I knew I needed as much as possible for moving company, payment for the new place while still paying the rent and bills for the current place. So I just didn't see where going out and dating was going to fit during that time.

 

Now I was open to a female coming over to spend time with me while we watched tv and ordered dinner twice a month but most women would not do that if they only been out with me 3 times

[milly007]

The main reason for it because dating is costly and I knew I needed as much as possible for moving company, payment for the new place while still paying the rent and bills for the current place. So I just didn't see where going out and dating was going to fit during that time.

 

Now I was open to a female coming over to spend time with me while we watched tv and ordered dinner twice a month but most women would not do that if they only been out with me 3 times

 

But this woman told you that she was willing to do free things with you. Why is what she recommended not acceptable, if you were willing to meet with a woman a couple times a month and order in?

 

It doesn't sound like you were too interested in her to begin with and that maybe, you just didn't want a relationship and the work that comes with it.

[katrina1980]

Yeah I still had to go to work so I could continue to make money to save up for moving expenses.

 

I don't get this saving money for moving expenses. Do you mean for the security deposit?

 

What about the security deposit on your current place?

 

A month prior to moving out, you can look for another place, put a small deposit down to hold, then when you move out of current place, you use your security deposit to use as the security deposit on new place.

 

Pay first month's rent with the rent money you would have used to live in your current place.

 

Moving expenses?

 

Have friends help you move your stuff.

 

Sounds like you are intentionally looking for reasons to not date this woman.

 

You don't need an excuse, if you are not into her, just tell her you're not really feeling it, wish her well and move on.

[RainyCoast]

that one said she would.

 

okay, picture you or a partner losing a parent to cancer, losing a child one day, losing your job with kids to feed, it''s shyte life throws at you, and you're "not in the mindset" to expand yourself out of your encapsulated distress...do you just divorce?

 

dating while not secure in your situation weeds out

1.shallow people

2.people who aren't shallow but genuinely worried if you're struggling and being self-defeatist about it, that may be a trend and they'd like to avoid someone who is going to be hard to support

3.people who are just looking for some fun currently and would like to avoid complications

4.people who believe you might be perfectly okay but have been burned enough they only play it 100% safe

 

you found a woman who said "no problem!", and you weeded her out.

 

it's not "how women perceive a guy experiencing this sort of situation". it's how you perceived it, and chose accordingly. which is fine of course, don't do things that feel forced and uncomfortable to you and if you're not up to dating it's definitely better to say it than to eff someone around with half a heart. but don't turn this into an assumption that women won't date you because XYZ. the dating pool, when you filter out non-matches, is pretty small anyway. why limit it further.

[sd95]

But this woman told you that she was willing to do free things with you. Why is what she recommended not acceptable, if you were willing to meet with a woman a couple times a month and order in?

 

It doesn't sound like you were too interested in her to begin with and that maybe, you just didn't want a relationship and the work that comes with it.

 

I didn't think she would go for that which is why I didn;t mention it.

[sd95]

I don't get this saving money for moving expenses. Do you mean for the security deposit?

 

What about the security deposit on your current place?

 

A month prior to moving out, you can look for another place, put a small deposit down to hold, then when you move out of current place, you use your security deposit to use as the security deposit on new place.

 

Pay first month's rent with the rent money you would have used to live in your current place.

 

Moving expenses?

 

Have friends help you move your stuff.

 

Sounds like you are intentionally looking for reasons to not date this woman.

 

You don't need an excuse, if you are not into her, just tell her you're not really feeling it, wish her well and move on.

 

 

 

I did have my cousin help me move but I still needed a moving van for the bigger stuff. And yes I did get a security deposit back which I put toward the new place and paid first, last and security. Also I needed to concentrate on finding the right area and the right place. And I wasn't sure how long that would take and I didn't want her to be around me with all the anxiety I had

[milly007]

I didn't think she would go for that which is why I didn;t mention it.

 

Was she looking for an exclusive relationship? Were you looking for an exclusive relationship?

 

It sounds like there's more to this story than what you're posting. It doesn't sound like you didn't want to pursue things just because of your finances/your apartment, etc.

[sd95]

Was she looking for an exclusive relationship? Were you looking for an exclusive relationship?

 

It sounds like there's more to this story than what you're posting. It doesn't sound like you didn't want to pursue things just because of your finances/your apartment, etc.

 

She was looking for a relationship like I was so I wasn't sure how asking her to come over my place and watch tv would come off so I never asked.

[katrina1980]

I did have my cousin help me move but I still needed a moving van for the bigger stuff. And yes I did get a security deposit back which I put toward the new place and paid first, last and security. Also I needed to concentrate on finding the right area and the right place. And I wasn't sure how long that would take and I didn't want her to be around me with all the anxiety I had

 

Okay now we're getting somewhere.

 

It wasn't what was happening that caused you to not want to date this woman (or any woman), but the *anxiety* you were feeling *because* of what was happening.

 

That's fair and perhaps you should have been more honest about that, without getting into specifics.

 

"I really like you and thought I could hang with it, but I have lots of **** hitting the fan right now that's causing me quite a bit of anxiety, so need to be on my own till it all gets straightened out. I would like to see you again tho when that happens."

 

I say this because another man may NOT have felt anxiety because of this.

[sd95]

Okay now we're getting somewhere.

 

It wasn't what was happening that caused you to not want to date this woman (or any woman), but the *anxiety* you were feeling *because* of what was happening.

 

That's fair and perhaps you should have been more honest about that, without getting into specifics.

 

"I really like you and thought I could hang with it, but I have lots of **** hitting the fan right now that's causing me quite a bit of anxiety, so need to be on my own till it all gets straightened out. I would like to see you again tho when that happens."

 

I say this because another man may NOT have felt anxiety because of this.

 

 

Yeah I was only living at that place for 2 years and was happy with the area and the apt and was trying to figure out where I could go that was still safe and affordable which sometimes is not connected. lol

[Chloee1988]

he had to stop dating you because of a housing, health, or employment issue would you believe him? I have a female friend who said she would think he is lying and think he met someone else. That sort of mentality bothers me because it sounds like a man is never supposed to have any kind of issues in his life which is crazy.

 

I told this woman last year I had to stop dating her because my apartment was sold and I didn't know where I was going to be living and her response was..."we can go on free dates??" I am not in the dating mindset if I am fighting homelessness.

 

So ladies how would you response if a guy told you that after 3 dates?

 

Unless you have health issues or a family member just died, moving houses should NOT be an obstacle to dating someone you're really interested in. I've honestly never heard of such a thing.

 

If you were really into the girl, you'd never even consider breaking things off or "stoping to date". With all due respect, it does not make any sense to me.

 

In my own experience, every time a guy gave me lame excuses such as the above, I took it as a sign of disinterest, and sure enough I was right. Granted, they may have had legitimate reasons (one lived in LA while I live in Montreal so the distance was a deal breaker), but still, honesty is the best policy. Don't make up excuses about "homelessness" or "unemployment" etc.

 

When you're really into somebody, you will deal with whatever challenge that might possibly come your way, and not just throw your hands up in despair.

 

Obviously, you were just not into her.

[sd95]

Unless you have health issues or a family member just died, moving houses should NOT be an obstacle to dating someone you're really interested in. I've honestly never heard of such a thing.

 

If you were really into the girl, you'd never even consider breaking things off or "stoping to date". With all due respect, it does not make any sense to me.

 

In my own experience, every time a guy gave me lame excuses such as the above, I took it as a sign of disinterest, and sure enough I was right. Granted, they may have had legitimate reasons (one lived in LA while I live in Montreal so the distance was a deal breaker), but still, honesty is the best policy. Don't make up excuses about "homelessness" or "unemployment" etc.

 

When you're really into somebody, you will deal with whatever challenge that might possibly come your way, and not just throw your hands up in despair.

 

Obviously, you were just not into her.

 

 

That was a brand new situation for me and It was kind of scary so that's why I didn't have the mindset for dating. Now if that was to happen again in the future I may not react the same way because it wouldn't be new.

[faraday]

But this woman told you that she was willing to do free things with you. Why is what she recommended not acceptable, if you were willing to meet with a woman a couple times a month and order in?

 

It doesn't sound like you were too interested in her to begin with and that maybe, you just didn't want a relationship and the work that comes with it.

 

Right? She sounds like she liked the OP...and who knows, with her willingness to participate in free dates, she might have been willing to go apartment hunting. I would have...I look at listings for fun lol . I love looking at places and always volunteer to go look at properties when someone is thinking about moving.

 

I mean, she said she was up for cheap/free dates...I don't get why the OP expects her to believe him that *can't date* because he's in this *crazy* housing *crisis*....but he doesn't believe her that she'd be up for cheap dates lol.

[Ms Darcy]

OP, I just the feeling that you are sort of overwhelmed and insecure about your financial issues/situation (especially considering the thread you have about how to approach paying off a credit card with ridiculously high interest rate).

 

I think you might be well served with maybe getting some help, whether financial counselor or accountant or life coach, to help you not only make better decisions but also cope with uncertainty better. I mean this will only goodwill intended. You would need both of those skill sets if you wanted to have a relationship that lasts for than a couple of months.

[sd95]

OP, I just the feeling that you are sort of overwhelmed and insecure about your financial issues/situation (especially considering the thread you have about how to approach paying off a credit card with ridiculously high interest rate).

 

I think you might be well served with maybe getting some help, whether financial counselor or accountant or life coach, to help you not only make better decisions but also cope with uncertainty better. I mean this will only goodwill intended. You would need both of those skill sets if you wanted to have a relationship that lasts for than a couple of months.

 

 

I'm actually fine now, stable job, beautiful new apt, savings on track and credit score very good. Now I just need to meet special lady again

[Ms Darcy]

I'm actually fine now, stable job, beautiful new apt, savings on track and credit score very good. Now I just need to meet special lady again

 

So if you had to move again, you wouldn't stop dating?

[sd95]

So if you had to move again, you wouldn't stop dating?

 

 

I don't see that happening again since I live in a building that is owned by a realty company. Last year I was living in a place that was owned by a private landlord who sold the building.