on and off relationship is draining me is he bipolar?

[Anon333]

I could probably write a book about this relationship but I know people will more likely listen if I keep it straightforward.

I have been dating my now ex for about 2 years now. The first 10 months he was over the top in love with me, he was there for me through and through and supported me through a previous break up. He treated me like gold and I was unsure of him for maybe 4 months in until I really fell in love with him. He bought me tickets to Europe, talked about our future, we became best friends and lovers and I never felt that way about anyone ever. He is 38 and I am 37 and I have never been married or in a relationship longer than 2 years, nor have I ever lived with someone. He was married for 10 years and it has been about 3/4 years out since him and I started dating.

 

After our trip to Europe he supposedly saw things in me he wasn't too happy about. I wasn't as grateful for his generosity as he had hoped, the sex wasn't as amazing, and I think it still haunted him that the first 4 months of our relationship he gave everything while I was unsure of him. He started pulling away and by March the next year he broke up with me saying he didn't want to live with anyone ever and he couldn't give me what I wanted. I was devastated. I cut contact and walked away a complete mess. Lost weight, couldn't function. 2 weeks later he came back and said he missed me and wanted it to work, that not a day went by he couldn't stop thinking of me. We had a long talk and he said although he didn't want to live wth me now, that doesn't mean he doesn't want to live with me in the future, that his last marriage scared him to want that again. We also discussed how to make things work, how to keep the fire, how to let him have his space and for him to communicate when he needs it.

 

After that we had an amazing 4 months. We never really fight and he is super loving and amazing when we are together. He went away on tour for almost two months, contacted me every day and talked abut traveling with me. When he got back his head was in a weird space. He tours with a really well known band and plays in sold out arenas and I think his partying and ego was huge at that point. He broke up with me again, but said he just needs to get his head straight and that he loves me. he stayed in contact loosely and within a few weeks of meeting and talking we were back together. He got me a kitten for my birthday and made it really special. Everything seemed like it was going well until i brought up traveling to him and he said he wanted to do a different type of vacation and that we need to take the relationship slow, as it has been so damaged (from him!). He told me about 3 more tours he was doing this year and I started to cry. He got distant and the next few days he pulled away to the point that I had to ask him what was going on and he finally said he needed space and can't give me what I need.

 

Within the past month it has been back and forth with him saying how much he loves me and can't imagine his life without me to saying he loves me but doesn't have anything in him to give in the relationship. He said he felt crazy at times and would go from one day saying "we can make this work", to the following day changing his mind. He has gone from asking me to stick with him while he gets his head straight (he is starting therapy this week), to saying he needs to do this alone and he needs to be healthy for any type of healthy relationship and that he doesn't want to drag me around anymore. He has been doing a ton of drugs and his mother is bipolar and his craziness is so unbelievebly tiring i know a rational person would run and not look back. But he swears he loves me and is "in love" with me and has issues from his past and fears of commitment that just make him push me away even though he wants a life with me and never wants to lose me.

 

He blocked me on all social and contact apps a few days ago and I was so hurt all over again. I was able to email him though and he replied that he really just needs to get his head straight and he is going to get clean and work on himself and go to therapy and would like to meet up in a few weeks. He did say that to look at the space as a positive time and that it was important for growth and reflection and that he loves me very much and want for me to be healthy and happy and that no healthy relationship can happen without that.

 

I guess I just would like some understanding. He has said he feels crazy and has gone back and forth not wanting to lose me. I think he knows he can come back to me any time so the full loss of me hasn't hit him...I do think if he knew he could never be with me again he would be as devastated as I have been. But right now he is just thinking of himself and that maybe down the line we can date again. I think he has a million things in his mind fighting themselves. I know I need to concentrate on myself. I dont want to be in this hell anymore and not sure if I can ever trust him ever again. But I also dont know if he came back if I could refuse him, as I love him and he is showing effort by getting help for his head. Please can anyone give me advice or insight besides run far away from this man. I know he has hurt me and when I can't take it anymore I hope I will walk away. Maybe this space and time apart will make me realize how I dont need this roller coaster hell. I am such a mess without him. He has been my best friend and love of my life.

 

The last thing I said to him is that it is his choice to be away from me for weeks, months, forever and that I question his love, as his actions dont add up to him loving me. I told him I hope he can get clean and get his mind straight and that he knows I have loved him through and through..... Sorry this was longer than I planned. my self esteem feels so low right now

[gebaird]

Bipolar is a possibility. Borderline personality disorder has some of these characteristics as well.

 

I think you need to ask yourself some very tough questions about the likelihood of this relationship becoming steady and stable. A friend of mine who was in an off/on relationship until recently told me more times than I can count that she was sure the relationship was going to get better. It never did.

 

If you were to make a decision about this relationship based solely on your experiences so far, what would you conclude? In my experience, it's rare for a fundamentally flawed relationship to become a healthy and whole one. Most futures look a lot like the present, and it's really a question of how long you want to stay on this crazy train before finally getting off. You may also be overestimating your influence, believing that you can somehow do something that will cause his behavior to improve. But you could be the perfect girlfriend and still have these issues, because he is the source of them -- not you. The fact that he's getting into therapy is a good thing, if he's doing it for the right reasons. But there's no guarantee it will have the desired effect.

 

I can tell from reading your message that you're not ready to leave him, but I think that will be the eventual outcome.

 

I'm so sorry for your pain.

[Anon333]

He kept saying he needed to fix his head to be whole and the be the sweet loving boyfriend I deserve. I guess those things make me hold on. In being brutally honest with myself I dont have hope for us. I think taking a long break and him getting therapy may leave an inkling of hope which of course I am holding on to because I love him dearly. But like I said before, I hope this time alone for me may give me the strength to see more clearly and move on from this. It all feels emotionally abusive. Thank you for reading and responding to my post. I know the future with him is pretty grim and I don't want to open myself up to more pain. I think if the time came that he did want to try I would really need to see it as you said. Is there any chance for it to be healthy? Probably not.... I guess I need to let the hope go eventually.

[Anon333]

Of course I also want to be understanding of someone who feels crazy in the head and may have a mental illness. He honestly has acted like he does. And his use of drugs, although immature, show he is running away from the craziness. It is hard not to want to be understanding of someone you love who might have these problems. He has said he knows is is f'ing up and that he just can't handle it.

[SooSad33]

Yup- if bipolar has been mentioned.. it probably is.

Ever hear the song by Katy Perry, Hot & cold?

 

"he finally said he needed space and can't give me what I need. "

- basically, I say listen to him!

 

He's had a break up before you and I dont feel had has it in him.. to function properly in a relationship. MANY with this conditon aren't able.... sadly.

 

YES, they emotionally & mentally drain you.. been there.. ugh!

 

He is ill... that's for YOU to work on understanding. read up on this illness. Keep reading!

he just.. can;t do it.

 

Time for YOU to work on accepting this.. and heal. Walk.. keep walking. Soo often they walk from relationships and WILL try to come back.. only to do it again.. ( as you've experienced..?). Is this what you really want??

 

Sorry you had to experience it all.

[Anon333]

Ugh. It has been the most amazing relationship of my life and I have gained so much from it as well as the most painful one and have lost so much. If that makes sense. I love him so much and I know I can't trust him. When he comes to me with so much love in his heart it is so hard to resist. He did not say he was bipolar but often he told me he felt crazy and needed help, often times when he was trying to leave me. Saying he can't handle anything right now and he felt rage and confusion. When I tried to figure it out and looked up about on off relationships, bipolar popped up. I asked him if that was possible and he said yes, as his mother is bipolar, but he doesn't want to diagnose himself. It is hard to think he does really love me but can't control these feelings or emotions. He says he doesn't understand them. The fact that he is going to therapy and going to try and get help and get it together doesn't make a difference? I know I can't wait around for him and need to "walk" away.....He may never come back, but Im not sure if he does how I will feel or what strength I will have to push him away. I love him so much and he has made some of the most memorable happy moments of my life.

[browser]

Sounds more like borderline personality disorder than bipolar.