Will I ever be able to forgive my boyfriend for lying to me, or shall I end it?

[vanilla27]

We've been together a year. In April, I was visiting family and he wasn't replying to my messages. He eventually said he is spending time doing university work with his male friend, and won't be able to reply all evening as his phone was going to die. Days later, I went over to his place and everything seemed fine. A couple of weeks later, his ex girlfriend sent him a message on facebook whilst we were together, and I saw that the previous message had read 'thank you for coming to see me, hope you got home safely!' sent at 2am on the night he'd supposedly been with his uni friend.

 

I left, but he assured me nothing happened. I'm very insecure, and he said that is why he did not tell me he wanted to meet up with her. They were friends and I am confident nothing happened between them. However, the fact he lied about it and covered it up still really bothers me, even 8 months later. He no longer speaks to her, but he has her on social media. He tells me the reason he arranged to meet up with her is because he feels inadequate, as he thinks I get a lot of male attention whereas he gets little attention from women. So he wanted to feel attractive. The messages had been a little flirty, but not unforgivably so. I understand that people like attention. But he wasn't speaking to me much at all in the lead up to this, and it still plays on my mind, wondering why he would do that and lie if he loved me.

 

My point is, I still think about it often and am struggling to accept it. He has been great ever since (apart from one blip where he said he didn't want her to hate him so he accepted her friend and follow requests on social media). What do you think I should do? I don't want to be controlling, and I feel as though I'm struggling to feel good about myself after he did this.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. Sounds like he's not over her, they are not done and unfortunately he blamed you for lying to you. it's your fault he chose to lie, it's her "feelings" he chose as the reason to continue to carry on despite your concerns.

 

You see, he doesn't want to "hurt" all the women he's playing so he lies to "protect" them from the truth... And poor him, he doesn't get enough female attention so he must do so to compensate for "feeling inadequate"?

 

Ok now reflect, does any of that mind-bending logic make any sense to you?

 

Only you can decide if his lies and ridiculous reasoning are something you want to go forward with. Agree it's not the meetup itself that was so egregious, it's the lying and condescending logic he applied to this.

he said that is why he did not tell me he wanted to meet up with her. the fact he lied about it and covered it up still really bothers me, even 8 months later. He tells me the reason he arranged to meet up with her is because he feels inadequate, as he thinks I get a lot of male attention whereas he gets little attention from women. So he wanted to feel attractive.

[rosecolored108]

He obviously needs validation from women...which is stemming from some kind of insecurity.

 

He should not need to justify seeing his ex to you...he should not be seeing or talking to her, if it makes you uncomfortable AND the contact is inappropriate (flirty messages, etc.).

 

He may not be over her. He should not be concerned with her "feelings" if she is an ex. He can care sure, but he should not be getting involved if he is DATING you.

 

He is being manipulative and is lying...that is not a good sign.

 

Ultimately, you need to decide what to do, but his behavior is not a good sign.

[SherrySher]

That's a very lame and immature excuse about needing female attention, but the fact that he was with her while you were away and by the sounds of it, late at night, would make anyone wonder. He also chose to lie to you about it. There is no excusing lying. It sounds far more shady than what he has told you. Besides the fact that he still wants to keep her around on his social media. Something tells me he and her had unfinished business and still do.

[No1]

here is what I have learned in my XX years of living.

You either forgive him or you dont. There really is no middle ground on this and Im a guy that tries to find the middle ground. If you dont forgive him and you continue to date you will always wonder if he is telling the truth and you wont be able to fully trust him. Also you will always have it to hold over his head and pull it out during every argument and eventually it gets very tiresome for the two of you and that will lead to the eventual break up.

Or..

You do forgive him and think nothing of it again. You trust him fully and you question nothing and you dont hold the past over his head.

 

Since it sounds like you havent forgiven him but remain with him, I personally think the relationship is doomed. Perhaps you two can get couples counseling.. but if you dont get help for this, its doomed.

[JaredTheGhost]

What he did was a breach of trust and it was because he chose to hide it from you. Although, seeing an ex at 2am is also unfair and the intent is still up for question. So ..

 

-Why lie about it?

-Why 2am?

-Why did he ignore you?

 

3 strikes, you're out!

 

Dump him, because trust and respect are essential in any relationship of any kind.

[katrina1980]

vanilla27, just out of curiosity, how would you have reacted had he told you the truth from the get go?

 

That he was going to meet up with his ex?

 

Serious question and pls be honest.

 

The reason I am asking is cause there may have been a point to his lying about it. Not that lying is EVER good, just sayin, in his mind, he may (just may) have had good reason.

 

It's not uncommon for people to "lie" to their bf/gf about something like this so as to avoid WW3 or just their SO going becoming upset, and/or causing drama.

 

I am not suggesting it's OKAY, but I get it.

 

For me, I have always stressed to all my bfs to always be open and honest, no matter what it is. I will try my best to be open-minded, and at least make an attempt to understand.

 

Especially when their "meet up" is innocent or just a "catch up." Which does happen occasionally.

 

Regardless, they know no matter what it is, I won't fall to pieces, go psycho or cause drama, so they have learned to trust me and a result, they always tell me what's happening.

 

Yes even if he were to see an ex again. We would talk about it, in a calm rationale way. They know this.

 

Anyway, don't mean to preach, just telling you what works for me in my RLs. To foster open and HONEST communication.

 

If he has reason to believe you would get unduly upset, and/or cause unnecessary drama about it, he may have good reason to avoid telling you.

 

I know I will probably get beat up for saying that, but I think there is a ring of truth to why people do this sometimes.

 

Then again, sometimes they're just a lying POS and you should dump them!

[Ms Darcy]

We've been together a year.

 

I left, but he assured me nothing happened. I'm very insecure, and he said that is why he did not tell me he wanted to meet up with her. They were friends and I am confident nothing happened between them. However, the fact he lied about it and covered it up still really bothers me, even 8 months later. He no longer speaks to her, but he has her on social media. He tells me the reason he arranged to meet up with her is because he feels inadequate, as he thinks I get a lot of male attention whereas he gets little attention from women. So he wanted to feel attractive.

 

You should break up with him because ....

 

1. His answer for feeling insecure and unattractive in a relationship is to turn to another woman. That's shady.

2. He lied to you.

3. He said he lied to you because you are insecure. That's a big flag for ... I will like to you (better in the future) because you cannot handle the truth.

4. You are not over it 8 months later. You have spent 75% of your relationship upset about this. You don't trust him.

 

After you end it, work on your insecurities. But it's silly to work on insecurities with someone who has lied to you about another woman that he was previously involved with.

[Wiseman2]

So avoiding flak is a good reason to lie?

If he has reason to believe you would get unduly upset, and/or cause unnecessary drama about it, he may have good reason to avoid telling you. Then again, sometimes they're just a lying POS and you should dump them!

]

[katrina1980]

So avoiding flak is a good reason to lie?

 

LOL and awesome movie too BTW!

 

One of the best!

[katrina1980]

So avoiding flak is a good reason to lie?

 

No in fact I said it's never good to lie, ever. Maybe you missed that.

 

I was just explaining it from his perspective, how he may have perceived the situation.

 

And TBH, in my experience, no not everyone CAN handle the truth!

 

It's still no reason to lie of course, but I think it's important to at least try to understand your partner's motives for doing so.

 

If it's possible he doesn't trust that you could handle the truth, and if so, look within to see why that is and if there is any truth to it.

[Wiseman2]

Not many people would respond well to "hey so while you're away me and the ex I'm on social media with are going out until the wee hours", would they? Why? Not because it's true because it's nonsense. Most people "can't handle" lies either.

no not everyone CAN handle the truth!

[rosecolored108]

^Amen. Of course not everyone can handle the truth. That doesn't make lying and acting shady any better.

[katrina1980]

Not many people would respond well to "hey so while you're away me and the ex I'm on social media with are going out until the wee hours", would they? Why? Not because it's true because it's nonsense. Most people "can't handle" lies either.

 

No one said or suggested anything about him, or anyone, going out with ex while SO is away and partying to wee hours of the night.

 

And frankly I for one would prefer to be told the TRUTH about that, and yes I could handle it, and my response would be to end the RL.

 

Not go psycho, not get all upset (with him) not cause drama, JUST END IT.

 

I think people should be able to handle the truth no matter what it is.

 

I mean what's the alternative? Going psycho causing drama? Or even just becoming upset to your boyfriend? Why?

 

My attitude is, why go all crazy on him? What purpose does that solve? Nothing.

 

If it's something that egregious as to warrant all that drama, I just end the RL!

 

I may be hurt, sad, angry or whatevs but I deal with it (handle it), on my own or with the help of friends, I don't cause drama about it with my bf.

 

I just leave.