Boyfriend's enmeshed family?

[catfeeder]

She has been attempting to stop or interrupt our Skype sessions and everything treating him exactly like a six year old and me also.

 

This isn't about his mother, it's about him. He's 40 years old. He opts to live with his parents, and he allows them to treat him as they always have. This has been their dynamic long before you entered the picture.

 

You can't 'cure' him of this, you're just frustrating yourself for zero payoff.

 

Bf has shown you who he is and how he opts to live. I'd consider that a take-it-or-leave-it option, because trying to convince the guy to change is a waste of your time. Have you noticed?

 

Head high.

[zeino]

Yes, Catfeeder definitely. It's about him. I never thought differently. I have a rather difficult mother myself who funnily behaves wonderfully in my relationships - only because she takes great ego satisfaction from the identity she has designed for herself as a non-meddling supportive person. But if she chose to create chaos and that affacted my relationship, me and my partner, it would be because of me and my lack of boundaries, not her. She is who she is. I have said this to my now ex BF about his parents as well, from day 1. I also suggested giving things we can to them while protecting boundaries. But the whole dynamic was making this impossible, first and foremost because of the ex's psychological makeup. Due to this makeup, I got affected by all of them.

 

I unintentionally collected lots of information during our talks about the parents and other things - I mean the comments he made, the reactions he gave.

 

When I got a break from the mother's instrusive noise, it all hit me or got combined in my head. He has serious, really serious issues.

 

I don't want to be with him because I think he doesn't have a developed enough sense of self. This felt emotionally very unsafe for me. At this age, I don't want to open myself to certain discoveries that come with lots of emotional pain. My ex husband and I got married in our mid-twenties and served that purpose in each other's lives. I now want to experience more settled things where people know who they are, what they are capable of etc - I mean at least in terms of basic things like family. With this undeveloped sense of self, I also cannot trust if his behaviour toward me is authentic or just a survival method. I need someone who isn't afraid of being real with people - I think my ex did not experience it that much. He also started sounding terribly codependent to me in some senses.

 

So yes, the mother is a blessing actually. It was like a crash course.

 

And the moment I heard about that remaining in the centre and "satisfying everyone's needs", it kind of ended irreversably for me. In his words, he only "half understands" what my problem is with that. But really, since when has our relationship wants become "my" needs?

 

I didn't take my decision just through my mind. I somehow lost attraction naturally. It also felt healthy.

 

So yes, I don't care about the mother although she made me very angry. I know it will pass. A great deal has been lifted already as I'm not threatened by her anymore.

 

With the ex, it's different. Deeper. I cannot go back to that. And I know he will not work on his issues on his own actually - he will probably drive his mother around or something.

 

I'm not very angry with him, he had difficult experiences. Maybe for the first time in my life, I am able to experience forgiveness in a new sense.

 

I will also think about the difference between love and compassion.

 

But yes, I used the well kept secret and backed off