NC log - a place to vent

[lovelyworld]

I am so emotional today. I just realized that 4 years ago on Feb. 25 is when I first met my ex gf. Her bday is coming up I'm still debating if I want to even wish her a happy bday.

 

I feel ever since I broke no contact I can't get back on track. I havent been able to hit them gym since my ankle has been bothering me.

I'm still thinking about what she last texted me about how she doesnt deserve my kindness after the way she acted. I showed my friend and she thinks is BS she just wants redemption.

 

Aw hey angie. I hate those emotional days where it's filled with memories. It's up to you to wish her happy bday, but I'm sure she'll only say thank you and that's it..then you'll feel like you broke nc all over again. I also haven't been the same ever since I broke nc this time...I don't feel as hopeful or strong. Maybe because I know I'm doing nc forever now and knowing he isn't coming back. I'm alsoooo the same as you, I can't even go back to working out, which is something I love, but I had a super lazy and sad week ever since I've seen him and broke nc agin.

 

I hope we get back on track soon. I hope we can stop hanging on to them. These days I'm realizing more and more how stuck I am in this sad stage, while they move on and become happier. I just want to be happy, even if it means without him ever again now. Your ex is the same as my ex..they're kind while messaging and nothing more, they don't show us they want us, and we have to take it for what it is. It's so hard

[lovelyworld]

Today I spent time with family and went out with my sisters, it took my mind off a bit. I just got done doing some yoga and meditation. I haven't done yoga in a long time. Now I feel so calm. I think I'll try to this when I wake up and before I sleep to feel calmer every day.

However, one thing I still have trouble with is getting the urge to see his social media. Ah. Well.

[Vivi0476]

Today I spent time with family and went out with my sisters, it took my mind off a bit. I just got done doing some yoga and meditation. I haven't done yoga in a long time. Now I feel so calm. I think I'll try to this when I wake up and before I sleep to feel calmer every day.

However, one thing I still have trouble with is getting the urge to see his social media. Ah. Well.

Look at you practicing good energy! Isn't it wonderful? So, I have a confession...I get the urge to look at his social media too. But when I think of all the hurt it causes me I always leave them blocked. For me, having them on block is like freezing your credit cards or leaving them at home. When I want something it makes me think about the consequences and I usually opt to wait for a sale (or in their case not to look at their lives together). Last night I almost unblocked, and then I changed my mind. I'm happier today for it. Eff that guy.

[Vivi0476]

I woke up before my alarm. Its my Friday and I'm excited for my 3 days off...I do have to keep myself busy so I don't become a social media snoop. I think I'm going to drive for uber a couple days a week for a few hours to make some extra money. I've been doing hair for for 14 years so this will be my first non-hair job in 14 years. Yeah, I'm a little nervous bc its the unknown but it's forcing me out of my comfort zone and to meet more people.

 

I feel myself returning to the person I was before I married that judgemental jerk. You know he married a fulfilled, happy woman. Then stepped in, sunk his hooks in, and killed off everything he was attracted to with judgment and disapproval. Much of that was my fault for allowing him to chip away at me. Never again.

 

There's some really bad stuff happening to him right now,and I'm not wishing bad on him, or revelling in his bad luck (tore his rotator cuff in a bar fight, laid his motorcycle down, can't work). I wish him a long life with good decisions ahead. May he get everything he wants and deserves. Whatever that may be.

[lovelyworld]

Look at you practicing good energy! Isn't it wonderful? So, I have a confession...I get the urge to look at his social media too. But when I think of all the hurt it causes me I always leave them blocked. For me, having them on block is like freezing your credit cards or leaving them at home. When I want something it makes me think about the consequences and I usually opt to wait for a sale (or in their case not to look at their lives together). Last night I almost unblocked, and then I changed my mind. I'm happier today for it. Eff that guy.

 

Yess, I didn't know how much yoga and meditation would help even for a little. Definitely good energy. I have him blocked as well on social media but I looked at his page from my friends phone the other day lol. But it's better than having him unblocked and being able to look at his page all day every day. I'm trying hard to never unblock him because it's miserable when I have to wait those 2 days to block him again.

Still I know I need to work on not snooping at all, period. But yes...eff them.

[lovelyworld]

I woke up before my alarm. Its my Friday and I'm excited for my 3 days off...I do have to keep myself busy so I don't become a social media snoop. I think I'm going to drive for uber a couple days a week for a few hours to make some extra money. I've been doing hair for for 14 years so this will be my first non-hair job in 14 years. Yeah, I'm a little nervous bc its the unknown but it's forcing me out of my comfort zone and to meet more people.

 

I feel myself returning to the person I was before I married that judgemental jerk. You know he married a fulfilled, happy woman. Then stepped in, sunk his hooks in, and killed off everything he was attracted to with judgment and disapproval. Much of that was my fault for allowing him to chip away at me. Never again.

 

There's some really bad stuff happening to him right now,and I'm not wishing bad on him, or revelling in his bad luck (tore his rotator cuff in a bar fight, laid his motorcycle down, can't work). I wish him a long life with good decisions ahead. May he get everything he wants and deserves. Whatever that may be.

 

Very neat you do hair. Funny how last time I stopped talking to him, I cut my hair short because it's been so long for years. The look actually distracted me and made me feel better that he didn't experience this new look with me. But now that we've met again, I need another change for me...to distract myself. I was thinking of dying it, but then I tell myself I'm making impulsive descisions.

Good luck with driving for uber...I'm sure it will turn out well, and new experience is good.

 

My goal and dream is to return to the person I was before him, I'm happy you're finally feeling you're going back to that person. The happy and content you.

 

How did it go with the country boy? +1 point for him.

[katara42]

I was feeling good last night, but I just woke up crying. This feeling won't go away. I can't see myself getting over this anymore. I just keep crying now, but I felt good last night. I will never get happy about feeling good again because I know that feeling won't last long. This is so hard. Harder than the first time. I wish I could fast forward my life to a year later.

Maybe feeling good for a bit makes the sadness feel worse. The stretches of feeling good get longer.

[katara42]

So hi! I've been in New York City. Amazing holy crap.

 

Even with maximum distraction, every once in a while I'd see something and think how he'd enjoy it. Then it would hit me. But it almost doesn't bother me anymore. I remark on it. Like "oh yeah", then move on.

 

Still sucks, but at least it doesn't hurt anymore.

 

NYC was super amazing. So amazing. Best trip of my life.

[GeekLover]

Well...I took my therapist's advice and I extended the olive branch Friday night. Needless to say, he did not reply...it's been 3.5 months. I think that's a decent amount of time for some dust to settle a bit and for both of us to calm down and get a bit of a hold over our emotions. I'm by no means close to being "indifferent", but the pain is no longer raw.

 

However, I guess you could say it has caught up to me a little. I can't say I feel stupid or actually "regret" doing it, but it has just made me reminisce more and feel more emotional this weekend.

 

It completely boggles my mind how someone who claimed to love you SO fiercely for over 5 years can walk away so easily and treat you as if you don't even exist.

 

It's truly heartbreaking.

[Vivi0476]

Well...I took my therapist's advice and I extended the olive branch Friday night. Needless to say, he did not reply...it's been 3.5 months. I think that's a decent amount of time for some dust to settle a bit and for both of us to calm down and get a bit of a hold over our emotions. I'm by no means close to being "indifferent", but the pain is no longer raw.

 

However, I guess you could say it has caught up to me a little. I can't say I feel stupid or actually "regret" doing it, but it has just made me reminisce more and feel more emotional this weekend.

 

It completely boggles my mind how someone who claimed to love you SO fiercely for over 5 years can walk away so easily and treat you as if you don't even exist.

 

It's truly heartbreaking.

I treat NC like a protection for me. I feel awful when he doesn't respond or when he responds in a way t hat upsets me. NC is like my armour. The minute I break it, I'm hurt.

[GeekLover]

I treat NC like a protection for me. I feel awful when he doesn't respond or when he responds in a way t hat upsets me. NC is like my armour. The minute I break it, I'm hurt.

 

I agree. I didn't want to do it, but my therapist really pushed it for various reasons. I'm not sure what would have been better really...him not responding at all, or him responding and saying more hurtful things. I guess it could have been worse.

[lovelyworld]

I agree. I didn't want to do it, but my therapist really pushed it for various reasons. I'm not sure what would have been better really...him not responding at all, or him responding and saying more hurtful things. I guess it could have been worse.

 

I'm curious, why did your therapist push it? Was it to see if a no response didn't get to you anymore?

This is one fear I have...that if I break NC again later, after more than a month has passed...that'd I get ignored or get just an indifferent response. Both hurtful to me

[lovelyworld]

So hi! I've been in New York City. Amazing holy crap.

 

Even with maximum distraction, every once in a while I'd see something and think how he'd enjoy it. Then it would hit me. But it almost doesn't bother me anymore. I remark on it. Like "oh yeah", then move on.

 

Still sucks, but at least it doesn't hurt anymore.

 

NYC was super amazing. So amazing. Best trip of my life.

 

So weird how when we see stuff, we think of how THEY'D enjoy this or that. I always see his favorite basketball team around and I'm always reminded of him.

But I'm so so glad you had a great trip! NYC is amazing.

[GeekLover]

I'm curious, why did your therapist push it? Was it to see if a no response didn't get to you anymore?

This is one fear I have...that if I break NC again later, after more than a month has passed...that'd I get ignored or get just an indifferent response. Both hurtful to me

 

Well...there are far too many details to provide to paint a more accurate and clear picture of my situation. However, in a nutshell, she has always believed he left me so I could figure myself out without him being in the way. She felt that I should try reaching out now because things for me are very different. I have made some significant changes in my life which were holding us back in the past. Also, I have given him a decent amount of space to let things settle. She felt I needed to put my pride aside because if I didn't, I could potentially miss out on my chance to be truly happy because I deeply love this man, despite the BS he has recently put me through. She explained to me how I am still in control regardless of his reply or non-reply.

 

Right now, I am at least happy I can say I was the bigger person to reach out to him once I dusted myself off and stood tall again. I can say I have been stronger and more emotionally mature about what has happened-that despite what he's done, I am still willing to at least talk like adults and not hide behind giving me the silent treatment.

 

This is a man who initially dumped me, so to speak, by text, even though I repeatedly asked him to meet with me so we could discuss things face to face. He later emailed me a final goodbye letter. After over 5 years, I KNOW I deserve much more than that. I know I deserve better than a bunch of mixed messages, where I get "I love you deeply", and "I've lost feelings for you", in the same conversation. It's so messed up...at least for me it is.

 

I really am working hard at letting go. I wish it was simple. I'll get there eventually.

[Vivi0476]

I swore I'd leave to go somewhere this time next year so I can get off this mountain and forget this time of year. Its always rough for me. My best friend text me that she found tickets from New York to Shannon, ireland for $99 each way. So I bought them! This is a weird step for me bc this was always our dream together when we first got together. But other things always got in the way. Then we split up. Yeah its 9 months away but I have something amazing to look forward to. Without him...

[katara42]

I swore I'd leave to go somewhere this time next year so I can get off this mountain and forget this time of year. Its always rough for me. My best friend text me that she found tickets from New York to Shannon, ireland for $99 each way. So I bought them! This is a weird step for me bc this was always our dream together when we first got together. But other things always got in the way. Then we split up. Yeah its 9 months away but I have something amazing to look forward to. Without him...

 

Wonderful!! Great deal and something to think about beyond your little town.

[Angieeee]

Aw hey angie. I hate those emotional days where it's filled with memories. It's up to you to wish her happy bday, but I'm sure she'll only say thank you and that's it..then you'll feel like you broke nc all over again. I also haven't been the same ever since I broke nc this time...I don't feel as hopeful or strong. Maybe because I know I'm doing nc forever now and knowing he isn't coming back. I'm alsoooo the same as you, I can't even go back to working out, which is something I love, but I had a super lazy and sad week ever since I've seen him and broke nc agin.

 

I hope we get back on track soon. I hope we can stop hanging on to them. These days I'm realizing more and more how stuck I am in this sad stage, while they move on and become happier. I just want to be happy, even if it means without him ever again now. Your ex is the same as my ex..they're kind while messaging and nothing more, they don't show us they want us, and we have to take it for what it is. It's so hard

 

Hey Lovelyworld,

Yeah I hate being stuck in the sad stage. I went out this weekend with friends and my cousin. I finally was able to have a good time and enjoy myself.

 

You know whats weird is that I was just talking to my cousin about our ex's and all of a sudden I get a text from her out of the blue "It's whatever you want it to be I can't tell you what you feel inside " I'm so confused. Idk what it means but my cousin told

Me not to reply.

How are you feeling today?

[lovelyworld]

Hey Lovelyworld,

Yeah I hate being stuck in the sad stage. I went out this weekend with friends and my cousin. I finally was able to have a good time and enjoy myself.

 

You know whats weird is that I was just talking to my cousin about our ex's and all of a sudden I get a text from her out of the blue "It's whatever you want it to be I can't tell you what you feel inside " I'm so confused. Idk what it means but my cousin told

Me not to reply.

How are you feeling today?

 

I'm so glad you had a good weekend.

That's a weird message for it to be sent out of nowhere. Did you text her anything for her to say that? If you're strong, don't reply....every contact we make sets us back....but I know usually curiosity gets the best of me and I make contact and ruin everything.

 

I feel okay today...I'm not getting emotional, which is good. I'm also complaining less on here and to friends in general because I feel like I have forever to complain about him since I really feel like he won't ever talk to me again. I just feel like it's done this time, you know? He really just wasted my time for 2 weeks. Last time I went NC, I was waiting for him to reply...I put a time limit on myself...I had a feeling he will contact again. When he did...it wasn't what I wanted. Now this NC is different because I don't have hope he'll contact me again, so anything and everything I do now is for myself only. This NC is for me this time. I just want him out of my head...I think of him all the time still, though.

[lovelyworld]

My favorite time of the day is usually this time. I usually get on here, with my candles lit, warm tea in hand, and favorite show on. Getting on here to vent out my feelings is calming and helpful for me. If I had never found this site, I probably be contacting him right now.

[Vivi0476]

My favorite time of the day is usually this time. I usually get on here, with my candles lit, warm tea in hand, and favorite show on. Getting on here to vent out my feelings is calming and helpful for me. If I had never found this site, I probably be contacting him right now.

Ive downloaded a journaling app called penzu. I read here, I post I drink coffee and I journal. Its so therapeutic.

[lovelyworld]

Ive downloaded a journaling app called penzu. I read here, I post I drink coffee and I journal. Its so therapeutic.

 

I have tried journaling before, it didn't help me, but I might give it another go. I follow this person on Facebook, his name is Trent Shelton...every time I watch his videos, he makes me feel a little strong. He really helps me.

[Vivi0476]

Its a weird day. I don't know what I'm feeling. I think to spent too much time inside the house and inside my head yesterday. That usually messes me up for a while. I'm going to go do stuff today. I need to. Maybe get my feet done since spring is around the corner. I dont know. Something. Its amazing to me when I dont have a distraction how my mind messes with me and I start thinking of "he who will not be named".

 

I don't think I'll be seeing country boy again for now. Turns out he's got as much baggage as I do and he saw his ex 2 days ago and has been weird with me ever since. Not a problem. I wasn't invested so I'll just move that fella into the friendzone. Life certainly is easier when you keep those walls up ya know.

 

Its quiet here and snowing and I think of my ex. I wonder if he misses me or if he's been able to completely forget me. Ah it doesn't matter. Just a curiosity is all.

 

Well I guess I should get my day going. Hope you all have amazing days.

[lovelyworld]

Ah I miss my ex today. Idk what's happening. I just miss him. And I'm getting the urge to tell him that, but I know too well how it will turn out if I did. I hate when I miss him like this. It's like I just forget how made me feel silly and how he wasted my time. I hope this feeling goes away soon.

[katara42]

Hey all... thinking of you.

[lovelyworld]

My feelings of missing him yesterday faded away by night time, thankfully. The feeling comes and goes. One minute I miss him soo much, and the next I know I'm better off without him. It just sucks. NC days this time are going by so slow. I feel each day that starts and ends. I wonder why it feels harder.