NC log - a place to vent

[katara42]

I need to vent lol.

 

So I woke up to a "happy valentine's day" text from my ex. I laughed because it was just funny. I said thank you and wished him the same...then he was being friendly, sending kissy emojis and asking what I'm doing. I feel like he was checking to see if I was going to be busy on Valentine's..idk. He was telling me his work schedule for the week, but I was just friendly/indifferent. He then asked if we could set up a lunch date for this week....and I replied "lol we'll see". The old me would have jumped up and down and probably scheduled it for the next day. So he was shocked when I replied like that lol.

 

I still love him. But I honestly believe I can live without him. He's so stubborn, so him initiating means something. Him asking to meet also means something.

Ok so it's valentine's....this whole time I thought he was seeing someone...and I think he still is. Idk how serious it is. But I think he's hiding it from me...

I want to meet him again and see....but idk. I want to know if he has a gf or not, I want to know...I want it to be straightforward. Why would he be hiding it from me if he pushed me away before? What is his intention in wanting to see me?

 

I know he wouldn't see me at all or even text if he didn't mean anything, I know him. When he doesn't care, he doesn't care.

But do you think I should ask what his intentions are? Maybe to him, it's just a simple lunch. And honestly, I'm not expecting anything to happen when I see him...but I still do not want to see him if he is seeing someone else.

 

Howeverrrr, I don't want to let him know I feel this way. It's amazing he thinks I feel indifferent and that I don't care.

 

Idk what to do, I guess. I want to see him because I still have feelings but....idk idk. Does anyone have advice?

 

Valentine's has been nice though! I'm about to go exercise now...maybe then go get donuts from krispy kreme since they're heart shaped, haha.

I hope, if you meet up, that it works out. I can't give you any advice really cause my ex is so different. But my ex isn't quite right.

 

If you want to meet, go slow with zero expectations. I am camp "if it's meant to be, it will find a way". And enjoy yourself

 

I'm struggling a little today. I expected that. Nothing to do about it but carry on.

[katara42]

Part of me wants to blow up on him and ask him everything..."why did you text happy valentine's if you're seeing someone else?? why are you texting period?? why do you wanna see each other? what do you want? don't text me if you're just playing, don't text me if you don't care at all still"

 

but I'm not. I'm not going to react....I've reacted soo many times before that I never felt better in the end. I think he feels better when I react. But when I'm calm and friendly and indifferent, even if he disappoints me, I know I don't regret the way I've acted. So I have all of these questions but I'm holding them in.

Ah ok this is more my experience lol

 

Why is he texting if he's seeing someone else? That's a crappy thing to do to everyone involved. Don't react is the only advice I can give. Grey rock.

[lovelyworld]

Ah ok this is more my experience lol

 

Why is he texting if he's seeing someone else? That's a crappy thing to do to everyone involved. Don't react is the only advice I can give. Grey rock.

 

Idk why he'd text me if he's seeing someone else. Idk how serious it is between them, idk if they're together 100%. I just know he's talking to another one, but he's hiding it from me. I don't want to overreact because it's not as if him texting me means he wants to get back together, but I also don't want to see him if he really really is in a serious relationship with someone else. Not fair to me, or her. I just want to ask so badly...but I don't want him to think I care soo much about his relationship status. I know I can ask him in person...I just want to avoid asking him via text, but ugh idk.

 

But you're right...don't react is a good advice. I will not react. For my own sake lol

[Vivi0476]

Everyday something chips away at our old life together. The car he wrecked the night we split just got repossessed. It was his car, he said he'd been making the payments on it. He hadn't been. I'm not telling him in case he gets volatile and decides to come take his anger out on my face even though he's 4 hours away. I told the sheriffs here just in case so there's a paper trail.

 

That was the first thing he bought when we were dating. He was so proud and he made payments diligently until he started drinking. Had he put as much time and effort into our marriage, and paying the bills with me, and living like an adult none of this would have happened. Instead he decided partying, living away from me, drinking, playing pool and having relations with granny barfly was where it's at.

 

Funny story though. The tow truck driver knocked and when I answered he very sweetly said "mam I'm so sorry I'm here to pick up the car." I say "don't be. It's owner abandoned his me, his dog, and that car 8 weeks ago". He laughed and said "well eff that guy then".

[lovelyworld]

Feeling a little down today. Not knowing exactly what my ex's true intentions are. Not knowing if he'll cancel our lunch on Friday. Not knowing if he's playing me. Not knowing if he's hiding a relationship from me when he says he has no gf.

 

Just confused and sad. Ugh.

[katara42]

Feeling a little down today. Not knowing exactly what my ex's true intentions are. Not knowing if he'll cancel our lunch on Friday. Not knowing if he's playing me. Not knowing if he's hiding a relationship from me when he says he has no gf.

 

Just confused and sad. Ugh.

I call it the post contact hangover. At first, at least for me, it would feel good, or at least vindicating. When that wore off, I'd feel let down.

 

I don't know if it's the same for you or not. My ex is strange (to say the least).

[Vivi0476]

I call it the post contact hangover. At first, at least for me, it would feel good, or at least vindicating. When that wore off, I'd feel let down.

 

I don't know if it's the same for you or not. My ex is strange (to say the least).

Yes! Omg! Even with the negative contact we had the other day that made me loathe him even more, I cried all day yesterday.

[katara42]

Yep. That's why I broke down and got the blocking app. He doesn't text much anyways and when he does it is some version of upsetting. I'm never free cause of work, but I'm insulated. The goal is to stay off his radar.

[Vivi0476]

I imagine it's like a drug addiction...even if its a bad high, its still a high. My goodness I was trying to figure all this out now I know why I was a hot mess yesterday.

[katara42]

I imagine it's like a drug addiction...even if its a bad high, its still a high. My goodness I was trying to figure all this out now I know why I was a hot mess yesterday.

Geez yeah that's EXACTLY what it's like! Ugh. We'll be OK this part just sucks.

[lovelyworld]

I call it the post contact hangover. At first, at least for me, it would feel good, or at least vindicating. When that wore off, I'd feel let down.

 

I don't know if it's the same for you or not. My ex is strange (to say the least).

 

Yes...so many good feelings come rushing through when we are both texting, and when it's over with...I get all these questions...so what is this now?? and it doesn't feel great at all!

 

post-contact hangover is definitely the right term for it

[lovelyworld]

So to clear my thoughts, tomorrow we might have lunch. Idk what will happen. But I'm prepared for the worst. I'm prepared to start NC again. I'm prepared to feel sad.

I will not expect anything and I will not react. Part of me thinks he'll bail on lunch, and part of thinks he won't. He's not the type that will meet for sex or to take advantage physically. But emotionally, he can play with my emotions without realizing. He said to "go with the flow". So we will see.

[luisannalui]

I have these times where I want to contact her and let her know how I feel, that I know the reasons why shes doing what shes doing, to keep it short "That last message" How do you control yourself by not sending that last message?

[luisannalui]

Oh another question, do you stalk his social media account?

[lovelyworld]

I have these times where I want to contact her and let her know how I feel, that I know the reasons why shes doing what shes doing, to keep it short "That last message" How do you control yourself by not sending that last message?

 

I have sent many of that "last message" to him lol. I have gotten my crazy out. I'm one to not keep my emotions in. To me, telling them everything helped me...because I felt like I have said all I wanted to say and what I wanted them to know. However, if you're hoping for a reaction from them...you won't get it. You could send that last message, but they won't change their mind from that message. You could be ignored. They don't care at this point because they know you'll be running to them every time. Even if you tell them you're fine with the way things are. Only thing that will be damaged is your pride...which I had a hard time getting over, and sometimes still think about how I was silly I was. So to keep yourself from texting is to think of how your text won't change anything. How silly you'll feel afterward. And how you'll go back to day 1 NC. We all get the urge though...

 

Trust me...I have done the worst. My breakup was 3 months ago...and for the three months, I have initiated a lot even when I knew he could be talking to someone else. I was hurt at how I was replaced. Moment I joined this site (three weeks ago) I decided to go NC for sure. I thought only about healing...and every night I got on here to vent. Every day he didn't contact I was convinced he has forgotten about me, and that he is so into the girl he's seeing. I stopped expecting a text from him, but I still got sad. Then he texted after two weeks.

They also have a fear of being forgotten, I realized. Just go NC, it'll hurt when you realize they haven't texted...but just keep going through it. I'm not one to give advice because I'm still in a ty place, but I've gotten better. When you get sad, come here. When you feel happy, come here. Just don't text them.

 

social media wise, I blocked them the first week or so lol, then I unblocked...and felt hurt. They've been unblocked ever since. I still check his social media account, haha....but it's almost as if I'm getting used to what I see. I need help in this area myself! But if you can keep yourself from checking their accounts...It's soo much better!

 

All I can say is be indifferent, and do not react and don't text. They'll come around if they want and when they miss you. It'll feel good when they initiate, rather than when you initiate.

 

Ahhh good luck

[luisannalui]

I have sent many of that "last message" to him lol. I have gotten my crazy out. I'm one to not keep my emotions in. To me, telling them everything helped me...because I felt like I have said all I wanted to say and what I wanted them to know. However, if you're hoping for a reaction from them...you won't get it. You could send that last message, but they won't change their mind from that message. You could be ignored. They don't care at this point because they know you'll be running to them every time. Even if you tell them you're fine with the way things are. Only thing that will be damaged is your pride...which I had a hard time getting over, and sometimes still think about how I was silly I was. So to keep yourself from texting is to think of how your text won't change anything. How silly you'll feel afterward. And how you'll go back to day 1 NC. We all get the urge though...

 

Trust me...I have done the worst. My breakup was 3 months ago...and for the three months, I have initiated a lot even when I knew he could be talking to someone else. I was hurt at how I was replaced. Moment I joined this site (three weeks ago) I decided to go NC for sure. I thought only about healing...and every night I got on here to vent. Every day he didn't contact I was convinced he has forgotten about me, and that he is so into the girl he's seeing. I stopped expecting a text from him, but I still got sad. Then he texted after two weeks.

They also have a fear of being forgotten, I realized. Just go NC, it'll hurt when you realize they haven't texted...but just keep going through it. I'm not one to give advice because I'm still in a ty place, but I've gotten better. When you get sad, come here. When you feel happy, come here. Just don't text them.

 

social media wise, I blocked them the first week or so lol, then I unblocked...and felt hurt. They've been unblocked ever since. I still check his social media account, haha....but it's almost as if I'm getting used to what I see. I need help in this area myself! But if you can keep yourself from checking their accounts...It's soo much better!

 

All I can say is be indifferent, and do not react and don't text. They'll come around if they want and when they miss you. It'll feel good when they initiate, rather than when you initiate.

 

Ahhh good luck

 

Thank you for your reply. I feel very related to your experience. She ended the relationship n December, so been almost three month as well. During these time, I contacted her several times as I'm like you, I cannot keep my emotions in. I've been stalking her social media account. For her part, she's friend with my best friend, seriously? And on February 14 she told my friend how a video reminded her of me. A week ago, she told me she's back with baby daddy, she was so cold with me and even hung up the phone.

 

But, I needed to say that last message and let my feelings out, but forgot to say that important thing that for some reason I need her to know that I know. So there's another last message I've been thinking if to send. But than I ask myself, for what? What Am I going to win with this? I kinda feel that this is why she calls me "toxic person" as out of nowhere I contact her to let my feeling out, when she's obviously living her life to the fullest.

 

I'm aware that she is unstable and bipolar as well. But I do also admit that I need to improve myself, I want no rebound relationship etc. I want to focus on myself so that when I enter in a new relationship this one will be healthy. She did try "lets be friend" and act as nothing happened. Maybe is her age, Idk. She's block everywhere, if they want to contact us they know where we live.

[luisannalui]

I decided to stop social media stalking. Social media does a great job making us feel that we still present in our exes life, when in fact we are not. Exes usually post only the positive things about their life, but my ex is a drama queen. She post everything! And sometimes I took it as it was for me, than later I found out she was with baby daddy. That's too much inflicting pain.

[ShatteredMan]

Feeling a little down today. Not knowing exactly what my ex's true intentions are. Not knowing if he'll cancel our lunch on Friday. Not knowing if he's playing me. Not knowing if he's hiding a relationship from me when he says he has no gf.

 

Just confused and sad. Ugh.

He's "breadcrumbing" you. He wants to have you as a Plan B until he solidifies his new/next relationship.

 

Know this. Don't play his game.

[lovelyworld]

He's "breadcrumbing" you. He wants to have you as a Plan B until he solidifies his new/next relationship.

 

Know this. Don't play his game.

 

Yes I'm keeping that in mind....we'll see tomorrow. If nothing is clear tomorrow, I'm not going to play his game. I'm not going to be his plan B because if nothing is clear tomorrow, I'm not sticking around. I'm going to continue healing. It's up to me to be his plan B...I'm realizing the ball is in my court in the end. I'm not even sure I want a relationship, he would have to convince me. So if he's acting like we are just catching up as friends, then that's ok...I'll be friendly but that would be it. But no reaction. No expectations.

[Angieeee]

I call it the post contact hangover. At first, at least for me, it would feel good, or at least vindicating. When that wore off, I'd feel let down.

 

I don't know if it's the same for you or not. My ex is strange (to say the least).

 

Post contact hangover is how I'm feeling today. Yesterday my ex gf and I texted back and forth throughout the day. She told me she has a new job and asked how I'm doing. She applied immediately and I waited awhile to text back. I felt so good yesterday to catch up. Today I feel sad and confused. Like was she just being friendly or why did she seem so interested in whats going on in my life. Well she hasnt changed she still in huge debt. Idk

[Vivi0476]

Post contact hangover is how I'm feeling today. Yesterday my ex gf and I texted back and forth throughout the day. She told me she has a new job and asked how I'm doing. She applied immediately and I waited awhile to text back. I felt so good yesterday to catch up. Today I feel sad and confused. Like was she just being friendly or why did she seem so interested in whats going on in my life. Well she hasnt changed she still in huge debt. Idk

She just wanted to make sure u were still available and single should She change her mind or it not work out with whomever else she's talking to.

 

If my ex ever stops being mad at me for ending things. He'll do this to me. Don't let them into your world. They'll destroy your progress.

[Vivi0476]

I feel so great today. I've been so swamped with appointments at work I can't stop.

 

Usually at night, I start feeling his absence and missing him but I'm not! I'm lounging on the couch with the dogs and I feel CONTENT. All I had to do wsd block his FB. I had no idea what looking at his life was doing to me.

 

Am I completely over it and healed? I kinda doubt it, but I'm not sure this is going to take as long as I thought. 8 weeks now. 8. I think by June ill be like "Lester who?"

 

It's almost riding season and my Harley beckons. Along with men who ride, and meet ups, and bike nights. I have a whole summer of fun coming my way! I'm leaving him in the dust.

[katara42]

I feel so great today. I've been so swamped with appointments at work I can't stop.

 

Usually at night, I start feeling his absence and missing him but I'm not! I'm lounging on the couch with the dogs and I feel CONTENT. All I had to do wsd block his FB. I had no idea what looking at his life was doing to me.

 

Am I completely over it and healed? I kinda doubt it, but I'm not sure this is going to take as long as I thought. 8 weeks now. 8. I think by June ill be like "Lester who?"

 

It's almost riding season and my Harley beckons. Along with men who ride, and meet ups, and bike nights. I have a whole summer of fun coming my way! I'm leaving him in the dust.

Yeah baby!! I'm so happy to hear that vivi!

[lovelyworld]

I feel so great today. I've been so swamped with appointments at work I can't stop.

 

Usually at night, I start feeling his absence and missing him but I'm not! I'm lounging on the couch with the dogs and I feel CONTENT. All I had to do wsd block his FB. I had no idea what looking at his life was doing to me.

 

Am I completely over it and healed? I kinda doubt it, but I'm not sure this is going to take as long as I thought. 8 weeks now. 8. I think by June ill be like "Lester who?"

 

It's almost riding season and my Harley beckons. Along with men who ride, and meet ups, and bike nights. I have a whole summer of fun coming my way! I'm leaving him in the dust.

 

This really made me smile

[ShatteredMan]

^Same here. I think that for my first 4 months after my breakup, things were slow at work and then picked up around the holidays. I also got into the house searching/buying/closing circus about that time.

 

Unfortunately, the house-buying process and "accomplishment" was completely overshadowed by the fact that I was still wanting it to be something that I was doing with her, despite the fact that she was gone and moved on. Even when I got the keys to the place and everyone around me was saying things like, "You must be so excited!" or "That's great. It will be a new chapter in your life" etc., I found no enjoyment whatsoever in it. I didn't view it as an accomplishment (especially when it came time to write some huge checks! LOL) or any source of enjoyment. It was a new big box to put stuff in, sleep/eat/take a shower there. I didn't want to talk about it and actually got angry when people wanted to see the place (I still don't know why).

 

I think it all came back to the fact that I was in the process of letting go of a fantasy that I constructed in my mind that I would be engaged and taking this step with my ex. It actually felt like a massive failure....and still kind of does in a weird way. I'm sure its due to my bruised ego hurting a little. What really sucked is that I had started seeing a new girl and she couldn't understand these behaviors. This also led to a guilt component on top of the stress.

 

However, once my mind was occupied with things that I absolutely had to devote thought processes to, I think my ex/situation started to occupy less of my stream of consciousness.....or at least she got pushed further back in my mind. As I moved all my stuff over (services, furniture, etc.), the reality of a new future was starting to take over the failed fantasy that had dominated my mind for 5 months.

 

As I've repeated out here many times, time and distance from your ex seems to be a key factor in recovery. I would say the second layer of the components of recovery are positive activities that will occupy the space that you once gave that person. The pain will start to fade or we become comfortable with it until we don't notice it anymore.

 

Activities like what Viv is doing WILL bring a smile to your face. They will remind you of the person you were and still want to be. Matter of fact, I'm going to go blast around some mountain roads this weekend.......Thanks Viv!