NC log - a place to vent

[Vivi0476]

I need to vent. So he replied today, since I had the last word yesterday...and I replied "you don't have to respond if it's gonna be a day later"...I was feeling fine earlier, just confused. but now I feel mad. I'm feeling sad, actually. He has such a power over my emotions. I think he's really not good for me, I don't feel happy like this.

I just want to cry because this is not improving at all. I feel mad I still react to him messaging me or not. Now his ego is fed again. I'm tired. I was happy he messaged yesterday, but for anyone waiting for a text from their ex, it could not always be what you want or what you imagined. Kind of wish he didn't text.

 

Just feeling sad tonight. more disappointed in myself than anything. I guess it's day 0 again.

sorry for being a downer on heree all day about just simple stupid texts

I have all these fantasies of mine walking through the door telling me he'll go to rehab and marriage counselling to work things out. And he loves me. Then I think "what would really happen if he walked in tonight?" And I lock my doors and windows.

 

The reality is rarely EVER what we think it'll be.

[katara42]

I need to vent. So he replied today, since I had the last word yesterday...and I replied "you don't have to respond if it's gonna be a day later"...I was feeling fine earlier, just confused. but now I feel mad. I'm feeling sad, actually. He has such a power over my emotions. I think he's really not good for me, I don't feel happy like this.

I just want to cry because this is not improving at all. I feel mad I still react to him messaging me or not. Now his ego is fed again. I'm tired. I was happy he messaged yesterday, but for anyone waiting for a text from their ex, it could not always be what you want or what you imagined. Kind of wish he didn't text.

 

Just feeling sad tonight. more disappointed in myself than anything. I guess it's day 0 again.

sorry for being a downer on heree all day about just simple stupid texts

Yeah i understand this exactly. You're doing the very best you can and you have to love yourself for it

[lovelyworld]

I have all these fantasies of mine walking through the door telling me he'll go to rehab and marriage counselling to work things out. And he loves me. Then I think "what would really happen if he walked in tonight?" And I lock my doors and windows.

 

The reality is rarely EVER what we think it'll be.

 

So true. We have these imaginations in our head, then reality hits us in the face again.

Starting fresh again tonight. I can't take anymore of feeling this way every week.

[katara42]

Well i had a pretty good day. And this will all sound shallow but here goes.

 

Had to take a headshot for a work publication. Blew off a quick selfie, no filters no nothing, just one big old smile. Put it on fb as a temp profile picture and was surprised at all the love for the photo. Thanks friends

 

Think a guy at work (consultant, not exactly coworker) might like me. And i might like him too. That also surprised me. I'd go for coffee with him if he asked. He's smart and funny and is a helluva cook. No rush tho.

 

Going to a friend's this weekend for a party and she is just so happy. It's really nice to feel wanted plus i wont be wasting a thought on dweedledum cause there is a lot planned for the weekend.

 

So, nothing huge going on. Small pleasures but I'll take them. Going to have a bath and read my book. Peace to you all

[lovelyworld]

Well i had a pretty good day. And this will all sound shallow but here goes.

 

Had to take a headshot for a work publication. Blew off a quick selfie, no filters no nothing, just one big old smile. Put it on fb as a temp profile picture and was surprised at all the love for the photo. Thanks friends

 

Think a guy at work (consultant, not exactly coworker) might like me. And i might like him too. That also surprised me. I'd go for coffee with him if he asked. He's smart and funny and is a helluva cook. No rush tho.

 

Going to a friend's this weekend for a party and she is just so happy. It's really nice to feel wanted plus i wont be wasting a thought on dweedledum cause there is a lot planned for the weekend.

 

So, nothing huge going on. Small pleasures but I'll take them. Going to have a bath and read my book. Peace to you all

 

Feeling wanted is a great feeling! I'm so glad to hear you have such a nice weekend planned ahead of you. Have a lovely night

[Vivi0476]

Well i had a pretty good day. And this will all sound shallow but here goes.

 

Had to take a headshot for a work publication. Blew off a quick selfie, no filters no nothing, just one big old smile. Put it on fb as a temp profile picture and was surprised at all the love for the photo. Thanks friends

 

Think a guy at work (consultant, not exactly coworker) might like me. And i might like him too. That also surprised me. I'd go for coffee with him if he asked. He's smart and funny and is a helluva cook. No rush tho.

 

Going to a friend's this weekend for a party and she is just so happy. It's really nice to feel wanted plus i wont be wasting a thought on dweedledum cause there is a lot planned for the weekend.

 

So, nothing huge going on. Small pleasures but I'll take them. Going to have a bath and read my book. Peace to you all

Nooooo I doesn't sound shallow at all. What I realized when I went out with that guy yesterday is that I'm an emotional zombie yes. But I'm not dead. And having someone tell me I'm pretty is just what I needed

[katara42]

having someone tell me I'm pretty is just what I needed

 

Hellya! Thanks lovelyworld and vivi

[lovelyworld]

Hellya! Thanks lonelyworld and vivi

 

lol as lonely as my life is lately, my username is lovelyworld hahaha. that made me laugh, thank you!!

[katara42]

lol as lonely as my life is lately, my username is lovelyworld hahaha. that made me laugh, thank you!!

Ugh slippy fingers sorry!! Haha glad you found the humour. Imma go edit that quick

[ShatteredMan]

Katara, Vivi0476 and LovelyWorld: Keep your heads up. Better things are coming and you need to put yourselves in a position emotionally and physically to receive them. The big question is whether or not you've done the work on yourself to be in a state to actually see that light at the end of the tunnel.

 

I was in a 50/50 emotional zombie/emotional basketcase for 4-5 months. Also, I lived in the fantasy world that she would be coming back any day when all of the evidence pointed to her being more invested in her new guy and their relationship. Don't do what I did. It prolongs your pain and anguish.

 

By living in this slowly diminishing fantasy world, if the perfect woman had come across my path, I wouldn't have even been able to see that's who and what she was. By holding onto these fantasies, I (in a sense) gave her this power over me in this imaginary relationship that I was retaining in my mind. It took a long time, but it is over in my mind.

 

All: Do not let your ex's and your situations control who are going to be tomorrow for your family, friends and that special someone who IS out there for you.

[Vivi0476]

Katara, Vivi0476 and LovelyWorld: Keep your heads up. Better things are coming and you need to put yourselves in a position emotionally and physically to receive them. The big question is whether or not you've done the work on yourself to be in a state to actually see that light at the end of the tunnel.

 

I was in a 50/50 emotional zombie/emotional basketcase for 4-5 months. Also, I lived in the fantasy world that she would be coming back any day when all of the evidence pointed to her being more invested in her new guy and their relationship. Don't do what I did. It prolongs your pain and anguish.

 

By living in this slowly diminishing fantasy world, if the perfect woman had come across my path, I wouldn't have even been able to see that's who and what she was. By holding onto these fantasies, I (in a sense) gave her this power over me in this imaginary relationship that I was retaining in my mind. It took a long time, but it is over in my mind.

 

All: Do not let your ex's and your situations control who are going to be tomorrow for your family, friends and that special someone who IS out there for you.

I know he's not coming back, I do. I just don't want to invest in anything yet. I'm really only 7 weeks outside our split. The fact that I'm even going on dates is crazy to me. I haven't touched another man in almost 8 years. It sounds horrifying. That being said I'm going to see the guy from my coffee date after work today for coffee and cannolis. I'm going to try to be more open. I have a theory though that the reason he's interested in me is that I pose a challenge and give zero effs if he calls me or not. He's way attractive and you can tell girls throw themselves at him. Anyway, thank you for the reminder to live.

[Sillybillycat]

I have all these fantasies of mine walking through the door telling me he'll go to rehab and marriage counselling to work things out. And he loves me. Then I think "what would really happen if he walked in tonight?" And I lock my doors and windows.

 

The reality is rarely EVER what we think it'll be.

 

THIS. I fantasize all the time about him reaching out for me again, telling me that he's sorry and that he loves me. But then I think of what would happen if that was true? I shouldn't put myself in that place again, it just wouldn't be the same, he ruined what we had. So yeah, maybe he coming back would be nice for my ego and it would make me feel less insecure about everything that has happened, but it would be quite confusing and painful too.

I don't know what will happen in the future, maybe he tries to come back in some months/years, maybe he doesn't. But my happiness and my plans shouldn't rely on it anymore...

[katara42]

Katara, Vivi0476 and LovelyWorld: Keep your heads up. Better things are coming and you need to put yourselves in a position emotionally and physically to receive them. The big question is whether or not you've done the work on yourself to be in a state to actually see that light at the end of the tunnel.

 

I was in a 50/50 emotional zombie/emotional basketcase for 4-5 months. Also, I lived in the fantasy world that she would be coming back any day when all of the evidence pointed to her being more invested in her new guy and their relationship. Don't do what I did. It prolongs your pain and anguish.

 

By living in this slowly diminishing fantasy world, if the perfect woman had come across my path, I wouldn't have even been able to see that's who and what she was. By holding onto these fantasies, I (in a sense) gave her this power over me in this imaginary relationship that I was retaining in my mind. It took a long time, but it is over in my mind.

 

All: Do not let your ex's and your situations control who are going to be tomorrow for your family, friends and that special someone who IS out there for you.

I'm getting better, I just had a little setback. And I feel like that setback set me free in a way. I too was a zombie / basket case for 4-5 months, but the last couple months I have felt a huge shift. I don't know how else to describe it. Just a big shift. Like something went "thunk" and the spell of the relationship was broken. And I've been crawling out since.

 

These days I'm feeling over it. I do not want my ex back. My ex is not right in the head. Any residual feelings towards him are icky feelings. I'm not waking up missing him anymore. I'm not waking up depressed. The worst thing I'm dealing with is feelings towards myself. I am concerned that I dated a guy like that and thought it was a good life choice.

 

So yeah I'm not in a rush to date anyone til I can figure that out. But it was really nice to feel something different. To have a flash of an optimistic future, to remember what normal feels like. And to feel pretty - that's big stuff for an old girl lol. I think it is important to notice those small, quiet moments where you feel good.

 

Yep so I better get ready for work. Power to the peaceful

[Vivi0476]

Day 8 - well I made it past day 7. He usually baits me on the 7th day. This is day 2 though that I didn't wake up broken and thinking of him. Day 2 that I don't care that they woke up together. Day 2 that I slept through the night and wanted more sleep when my alarm went off. Day 2 that my debilitating anxiety didn't make me run to the bathroom and dry heave. It's these small victories that show I'm healing. That I've closed that door. That I do actually know he's not coming back and I wouldn't take him if he tried to. He's her problem now. I imagine once he serves me with papers or goes fishing for my attention that'll set me back. It'll hurt but I'm preparing myself for it so it doesn't throw me, so it doesn't knock me down. But right now I'm going to enjoy my little victories and go to work.

[Sillybillycat]

So here's the thing: the mutual friend I met with two days ago was going to meet with him yesterday. I'm not 100% they did, but since she was leaving yesterday, it's a possibility. Anyway, she told me that she was going to ask him about us, since he always tells her everything, and she is also curious about his true motivations and the way he did everything, because he had never acted that way and things were very confusing in the end. Anyway, she didn't tell me she would do that to tell me later, though. But I'm really curious and anxious about it, I want to ask her. I mean, my logic tells me that if I'm not gonna know the truth from him directly, then I could find out through her once and for all. I know her very well and I know that she would only tell me the necessary things to leave me in peace, but without lying to me. But I don't know what to do, honestly. I know that knowing wouldn't change anything, but I feel like I can't bare this confusion of not knowing what really happened.

[lovelyworld]

So here's the thing: the mutual friend I met with two days ago was going to meet with him yesterday. I'm not 100% they did, but since she was leaving yesterday, it's a possibility. Anyway, she told me that she was going to ask him about us, since he always tells her everything, and she is also curious about his true motivations and the way he did everything, because he had never acted that way and things were very confusing in the end. Anyway, she didn't tell me she would do that to tell me later, though. But I'm really curious and anxious about it, I want to ask her. I mean, my logic tells me that if I'm not gonna know the truth from him directly, then I could find out through her once and for all. I know her very well and I know that she would only tell me the necessary things to leave me in peace, but without lying to me. But I don't know what to do, honestly. I know that knowing wouldn't change anything, but I feel like I can't bare this confusion of not knowing what really happened.

 

If I had a mutual friend that is close to both my ex and I, that I truly trust...I wouldn't hesitate from asking lol. That's just me. I feel like I would want to know his exact reason for breaking up and how he feels. Just go with your gut feeling. Even if nothing changes..maybe you'll get some peace mind. Maybe you'll at least know he feels the way you do. But then maybe you'll find out something you don't like. So just go with your gut feeling.

[Sillybillycat]

If I had a mutual friend that is close to both my ex and I, that I truly trust...I wouldn't hesitate from asking lol. That's just me. I feel like I would want to know his exact reason for breaking up and how he feels. Just go with your gut feeling. Even if nothing changes..maybe you'll get some peace mind. Maybe you'll at least know he feels the way you do. But then maybe you'll find out something you don't like. So just go with your gut feeling.

 

You are right, I could find something I don't like. But then again, I don't think I could feel worse than I did last time we talked, lol.

[mgsportsfan252]

It took me almost 5 months to finally realize that I am truly better off. I have been telling myself this for months but in the back of my head never really believed it.

 

She left me a week after my dad was diagnosed with cancer. She never reached out to check in to see how I or he was doing.

 

In the past 5 months I watched him deteriorate, become bed ridden and watch him take his last breath.

 

Then all of the sudden she pops back up in my life at my dad's wake. She shows up crying/sobbing even though she never met him. She then tells me she is "here for me and would like to catch up." I ask her, what are the intentions of this meet up and she reiterates she wants to remain friends. I already told her no and yet again at a difficult time I have to say no again.

 

Congrats you got in my head at a vulnerable time. If you just offered condolences through a text that would have sufficed. But instead you start showing up and trying to be my buddy. I have a lot of friends (she on the other hand didn't) and they were there for me ALL 5 MONTHS not just when he died!

 

Made a pros/cons list for the first time in months. And now the pros were generic and the cons were more meaningful and doubled the amount of pros.

 

I know you want to be friends only to make yourself feel less guilty about leaving me at a tough time in my life. You also are most likely lonely and want attention from me but not the relationship. You have known that I don't want it, but yet you kept trying to push it on me.

 

You said you wanted space, I respected that wish and have given that to you. And yet you continue to try and reach out time to time.

 

Good riddance, and good luck to the next guy that dates you. Chances are you will end that the same way or maybe he will be smarter than I was and notice the red flags and leave sooner.

[katara42]

Day ?

 

Not really counting anymore because I have better things to think about. I feel over him and it feels good. Finally!!

 

Going to have a great weekend with friends I haven't seen in a while. Hope you all have fun too!

[ShatteredMan]

You deserve it Katara

[jah123]

I haven't contacted my ex even once since the moment of the break-up. She tried to contact me once in January but I simply did not answer and I am not going to answer. Ever.

[Sillybillycat]

Day ?

 

Not really counting anymore because I have better things to think about. I feel over him and it feels good. Finally!!

 

Going to have a great weekend with friends I haven't seen in a while. Hope you all have fun too!

 

Wow, good for you! I can't wait to feel like that! These last days I've been feeling better, of course, but the thought of him still lingers in my mind.

[Vivi0476]

Day 9 (or 10)-I woke up really sad this morning but had an amazing, even spiritual, dream. I woke up crying but it was a cleansing cry. I find myself thinking of him less and less. My business is really flourishing and I'm flush with clientele. I work hard and that helps keep my mind off him. I hope this morning was just a fluke and I don't wake up like that again tomorrow. I feel like I had a lot to say but it is escaping me now. I am happy for you katara but I'm also sad that I know you'll be leaving us soon. I look forward to the day I no longer need ENA

[lovelyworld]

Day 9 (or 10)-I woke up really sad this morning but had an amazing, even spiritual, dream. I woke up crying but it was a cleansing cry. I find myself thinking of him less and less. My business is really flourishing and I'm flush with clientele. I work hard and that helps keep my mind off him. I hope this morning was just a fluke and I don't wake up like that again tomorrow. I feel like I had a lot to say but it is escaping me now. I am happy for you katara but I'm also sad that I know you'll be leaving us soon. I look forward to the day I no longer need ENA

 

We all have those crying days, but I'm glad you're thinking of him less and less...that's progress.

And girllll, I know, I get so happy when someone is finally getting over their ex on here, but then I think of the fact they'll leave. It's bittersweet, haha. I also look forward to the day I don't need to come here, but it has helped me a lot...so for now, it's the best for me to be here.

 

 

[Vivi0476]

Day 11 (I think). I dreamt of him last night. I dreamt he left Grandma Barfly for a new piece. Weird dream. No crying tho when I woke up just anxiety. I'm busy as all Hades in the salon today. Sure is nice to hoard money instead of him spending it hand over fist at the bar. I feel good today. Tomorrow I'm off and I'll continue the cleaning odyssey that is the spare bedroom. Then take a small interstate road trip on Tuesday with my dog as company.

 

I desperately want to be finished with this guy. There's no way to make it quicker though is there?