Opinions on FWB (Friends with Benefits)?

[ClaireDarling]

Is it possible? What do you think makes it successful? Would you do it?

[Wiseman2]

An agreement that it's just sex. No dating, no relationship, no catching feelings, no "what are we" talks, no "where are we going talks", etc.

What do you think makes it successful?

[Edmund Exley]

Its possible but it rarely works out for long. Someone usually catches feelings or has unspoken expectations.

[Seraphim]

Never works. Do you want to know how many FBW gone wrong threads I have seen in 10 years ?

 

Would I do it? Never.

[j.man]

Is it possible? Yes.

What makes it successful? Two people who are honest with themselves and can legitimately compartmentalize sex from romantic feelings.

Would you do it? I'm not above it, but when I'm single, I prefer to have sex with different people, not the same person enough times it could be described as "FWB."

 

Basically, if you need to ask if it's right for you, it's probably not. And if it's not, no amount of finagling to "make it successful" will work. Stick with toys.

[Clarisse]

It only works if both of you are able to separate sex from romantic love. Not many people can pull it off.

 

I did it in my 20s fairly successfully, but wouldn't do it at this stage of my life.

[Edmund Exley]

Like I told you on your thread yesterday, you will learn the hard way.

[zeino]

It can work but what do you understand from "successful" as you put it?

[ParisPaulette]

It is possible only, and I do mean ONLY, if you BOTH are people who separate sex from feelings and do not develop feelings, because of sex.

 

There are people like that. Most are not or what will be bad is one of them will be, while the other one hopes using sex will bring the object of their affection closer. And it doesn't.

 

Sex in a relationship is an expression of two people wanting to be closer and share. But the desire for the relationship itself came first, even if they sleep together the first date or whatever, at the base of it you will find a desire to be in a relationship preceded that. Sex in an FWB or for sex alone is just the satisfying of one more appetite like eating or sleeping. And you will find, and be told or have to tell someone yourself, that there is no desire for a relationship. Hopefully before you sleep together.

 

Too many people mix the two up. Including me. I tried it one time, never again. Never.again.

[Birdie]

Based off your thread from October about falling hard and fast for guys who show you any interest I would stay away from FWB situations.

 

I think you will get hurt

[katrina1980]

I've never had an FWB and never would. I don't judge others for it, I am just incapable of separating sex from *feelings*.

 

I always wondered about sex in FWB relationships though.

 

Do you kiss? Passionately? How about the sex itself? Is it "slam bam thank you m'am" or more passionate and intimate?

 

Do you look into each other's eyes for example?

 

Not talking about hot raw sex, I have that with my boyfriend. It's passionate.

 

Just wondering if it's cold or hot, passionate, do you kiss, etc. And if you feel sexual and physical attraction to each other?

 

If it IS hot and passionate, lots of kissing, looking into eyes, and there is strong sexual attraction ...... I can understand how that might be confusing and *feelings* can develop, for one or even both!

 

Maybe people do this cause they are commitment phobes or just don't want a *relationship* at that particular point in time? Don't want to feel obligated?

 

I am genuinely confused about it, hence all my questions. I am just not wired that way I guess.

[lostandhurt]

You already have feelings for this guy so no it isn't possible in this case.

 

It sounds like you are going to just accept what he will give you instead of being strong and only accepting what you want which is a real relationship.

 

If you want a FWB do it with some guy you DON'T have feelings for already. Trust me there are thousands of guys that would love to be with you just for some fun in bed.

 

Lost

[Edmund Exley]

I've never had an FWB and never would. I don't judge others for it, I am just incapable of separating sex from *feelings*.

 

I always wondered about sex in FWB relationships though.

 

Do you kiss? Passionately? How about the sex itself? Is it "slam bam thank you m'am" or more passionate and intimate?

 

Do you look into each other's eyes for example?

 

Not talking about hot raw sex, I have that with my boyfriend. It's passionate.

 

Just wondering if it's cold or hot, passionate, do you kiss, etc. And if you feel sexual and physical attraction to each other?

 

If it IS hot and passionate, lots of kissing, looking into eyes, and there is strong sexual attraction ...... I can understand how that might be confusing and *feelings* can develop, for one or even both!

 

Maybe people do this cause they are commitment phobes or just don't want a *relationship* at that particular point in time? Don't want to feel obligated?

 

I am genuinely confused about it, hence all my questions. I am just not wired that way I guess.

 

You kiss. Passion is subjective. I think it depends on the people. I would say my last FWB was kinda like a mutual enjoyment and pleasure. During sex it was a connection. It wasnt me plowing a way at her. She enjoyed the feel of me, and I enjoyed the feel of her. She was divorced and so was I at the time and we both had had a few relationships in the time between our divorce and our becoming FWBs. We looked into each others eyes during sex and smiled and enjoyed. We were open to discussion. She told me disaster stories of bad sex. I showed her men can focus on pleasing a woman. I taught her pleasures she never felt or shared. She felt safe not being judged doing things like pulling out toys, or admitting she didn't really know how to give a blow job and wanted to learn. On some level I cared about her and she cared about me, kinda like friends, not as a couple in a relationship. And it was enjoyable and fun and she never asked for more nor did I. It wasn't planned to be FWBs, it just kinda became that on its own.

 

In hindsight, that was probably only true time I had an actual FWB.

[rosephase]

When I was in college and wasn't ready for a relationship I had 1 successful FWB situation (which was my first and lead me to believe that it was easy... it isn't) which lead to me really hurting the next couple of guys I tried it with. I loved the set up because I really enjoyed sex and didn't have the emotional or relationship skills to be in a romantic relationship. The successful one ended when he got a crush on someone he wanted to pursue. The unsuccessful ones ended in tears and long conversations and a lot of hurt feelings.

 

I would consider having a FWB situation again although now it would have to function and look very different. While I think I still can separate sex and love I have no desire to. Sex is so much better when it's connected and so much hotter with actual love. So if I had a friend who I had sex with it would be with someone I loved. Just not with someone I wanted a committed relationship with. Which is only possible because I'm polyamorous and I have love, commitment and sex in my other relationships. Because my emotional and romantic needs are being met by my other relationships I might have space for non-committed friendship shaped sexual relationship... but it would be super tricky and I would need to make sure that my friend and I were on the same page and we would both go in with the full knowledge that it might end in tears.

[katrina1980]

You kiss. Passion is subjective. I think it depends on the people. I would say my last FWB was kinda like a mutual enjoyment and pleasure. During sex it was a connection. It wasnt me plowing a way at her. She enjoyed the feel of me, and I enjoyed the feel of her. She was divorced and so was I at the time and we both had had a few relationships in the time between our divorce and our becoming FWBs. We looked into each others eyes during sex and smiled and enjoyed. We were open to discussion. She told me disaster stories of bad sex. I showed her men can focus on pleasing a woman. I taught her pleasures she never felt or shared. She felt safe not being judged doing things like pulling out toys, or admitting she didn't really know how to give a blow job and wanted to learn. On some level I cared about her and she cared about me, kinda like friends, not as a couple in a relationship. And it was enjoyable and fun and she never asked for more nor did I. It wasn't planned to be FWBs, it just kinda became that on its own.

 

In hindsight, that was probably only true time I had an actual FWB.

 

Thanks EE!

 

Another question -- you say you cared about her, enjoyed her, sex was good! There was a connection.

 

Isn't this how romantic relationships begin too?

 

Did you not want a *relationship* at that particular point in time?

 

Or just not with her?

 

If not with her, I guess this is what is confusing since you were attracted (obviously), you cared (on some level anyway), sex was good and passionate?

 

Or was something missing *emotionally*... outside of sex?

 

Maybe this is it, the lack of an emotional connection outside of sex. I can understand that!

 

I think I am starting to answer my own questions!

[DancingFool]

What makes it work? The sex is awesome, passionate, wild, sensual, you name it, it's hot....... buuuuuuut there is too much you dislike about them as a person, so relationship and emotional attachment is not possible and totally not on the menu. Sexual chemistry is present, but absolutely everything else is lacking.

[Edmund Exley]

Thanks EE!

 

Another question -- you say you cared about her, enjoyed her, sex was good! There was a connection.

 

Isn't this how romantic relationships begin too?

 

Did you not want a *relationship* at that particular point in time?

 

Or just not with her?

 

If not with her, I guess this is what is confusing since you were attracted (obviously), you cared (on some level anyway), sex was good and passionate?

 

Or was something missing *emotionally*... outside of sex?

 

Maybe this is it, the lack of an emotional connection outside of sex. I can understand that!

 

I think I am starting to answer my own questions!

 

I think that was mostly it. Neither of us really wanted a relationship even though we had met on eHarmony. I think we both were still fresh off divorce, a lot of life going on, but wanted some regular sex and a basic companionship. She was a nurse and had shared custody of her child, so schedules alone made it tough. Our routine was mostly she got off work at 6AM. I'd come over, sex, breakfast, more sex, chill on couch or nap, cuddle, sex. See you next time. I really liked her as a person, but neither of us was looking for commitment.

[zeino]

I've never had an FWB and never would. I don't judge others for it, I am just incapable of separating sex from *feelings*.

 

I always wondered about sex in FWB relationships though.

 

Do you kiss? Passionately? How about the sex itself? Is it "slam bam thank you m'am" or more passionate and intimate?

 

Do you look into each other's eyes for example?

 

Not talking about hot raw sex, I have that with my boyfriend. It's passionate.

 

Just wondering if it's cold or hot, passionate, do you kiss, etc. And if you feel sexual and physical attraction to each other?

 

If it IS hot and passionate, lots of kissing, looking into eyes, and there is strong sexual attraction ...... I can understand how that might be confusing and *feelings* can develop, for one or even both!

 

Maybe people do this cause they are commitment phobes or just don't want a *relationship* at that particular point in time? Don't want to feel obligated?

 

I am genuinely confused about it, hence all my questions. I am just not wired that way I guess.

 

Depends on whether FBW is the right form of relationship for both. If you are offering FBW to someone emotionally unavailable with the hope of this evolving into something better, they may not look at you in the eye even. If both people are truly happy with what is going on without wanting furtner involvement with each other, it can feel quite passionate. Would it be super deep? I think that also depends, too.

 

Yes you do kiss. Yes, passionately. Sex can be more experiemental and adventurous because there is less judgment or fear of judgment. And because this is the main activity, sometimes people think more about creativity. Different locations, exciting ideas etc etc.

 

Yes you look into each others eyes, you are still friends, yeah?

 

It's not slam bam thank you sir because it's not exactly a booty call. It can be super long actually.

 

Intimacy is a capacity that is not related to the form of relationship I think. If you want to be intimate, you are intimate but you may not want to translate this into a love relationship. People may have different life circumstances etc.

 

It may be confusing for some and others can be completely happy with it.

 

Being a commitment phobe is different from not committing by choice to a certain person. And some poeple are loyal to their FBWs.

 

Still, I would say, FBW can be a site of emotional oppression if one accepts to enter it with the hope of it turning into something else.

[katrina1980]

What makes it work? The sex is awesome, passionate, wild, sensual, you name it, it's hot....... buuuuuuut there is too much you dislike about them as a person, so relationship and emotional attachment is not possible and totally not on the menu. Sexual chemistry is present, but absolutely everything else is lacking.

 

That's probably why I could never do it. When the sex is awesome, passionate, wild, sensual, for me that means we have strong chemistry and sexual attraction.

 

When this happens, I have a tendency to turn a blind's eye to what I might dislike about him.

 

So I get into a RL with him only to find out down the road, we are not compatible and too much I don't like about him.

 

It took me six damn years to realize this with my ex -- we even got engaged!

 

Admittedly I was in some sort of denial and living in some alternative universe. Ugh.

 

Big lesson learned though!

 

Thanks DF!

[hannah87]

I've tried it a couple of times and never could make it work. I suppose my problem is that I've only ever tried FWB with men I had strong chemistry with and both times one of us was left wanting more.

 

With the most recent, it was me who got hurt. I thought it was just a strong sexual attraction but the more nights we spent together up all night talking and otherwise engaged, the more sparks I felt. I kept it going because I hoped the FWB would develop into a relationship but that never happened. I think if we had delineated that it was simply a booty call, rather than texting throughout the day and having casual talks about the future, perhaps the let down wouldn't have been as bad as it was.

[katrina1980]

I've tried it a couple of times and never could make it work. I suppose my problem is that I've only ever tried FWB with men I had strong chemistry with and both times one of us was left wanting more.

 

With the most recent, it was me who got hurt. I thought it was just a strong sexual attraction but the more nights we spent together up all night talking and otherwise engaged, the more sparks I felt. I kept it going because I hoped the FWB would develop into a relationship but that never happened. I think if we had delineated that it was simply a booty call, rather than texting throughout the day and having casual talks about the future, perhaps the let down wouldn't have been as bad as it was.

 

Yeah this sounds like a boyfriend/girlfriend situation.

 

I mean, texting throughout the day? Up all night talking after having hot passionate sex? Combined with strong sexual attraction?

 

WTH! Boggles the mind that this would not have lead to a more serious RL.

 

What was going on with him, do you know?

 

Obviously he must've have really liked you, you don't text throughout the day and stay up all night talking (after having hot sex), and talk about the future with someone you DON'T like and feel emotionally connected to.

[Edmund Exley]

Yeah this sounds like a boyfriend/girlfriend situation.

 

I mean, texting throughout the day? Up all night talking after having hot passionate sex? Combined with strong sexual attraction?

 

WTH! Boggles the mind that this would not have lead to a more serious RL.

 

What was going on with him, do you know?

 

Obviously he must've have really liked you, you don't text throughout the day and stay up all night talking (after having hot sex), and talk about the future with someone you DON'T like and feel emotionally connected to.

 

Ever heard the story of free milk and a cow?

 

That and I'm guessing he was never interested in a relationship, and liked a lot of attention.

[katrina1980]

Ever heard the story of free milk and a cow?

 

That and I'm guessing he was never interested in a relationship, and liked a lot of attention.

 

Yeah like around 100 years ago... LOL

 

What are you suggesting though? That sex prior to "relationship" never leads to an actual relationship?

 

I don't think that is true anymore. In fact, many men (NOT all), including men who have posted on message forums like this, won't even consider a relationship until they have had sex with a woman.

 

Not players, good honest decent men.

 

As for me, I have had sex with every single long term boyfriend I have ever had prior to a "relationship," a RL that lasted YEARS.

 

Heck, my ex (the six year guy to whom I was engaged) and I had sex the first night we met.

 

Two dates later he asked me to be exclusive.

 

I do think that may be true for some guys, but certainly not all. Not in this day and age anyway, jmo and experience.

 

HE apparently gave HER a lot of attention too, texting/talking all night, discussing future, so it went both ways, which is how it's supposed to be.

 

I dunno I am sure he had his reasons. Perhaps HE was a commitment phobe ... plenty of guys are. So are many women!

 

But who knows.

[hannah87]

He had separated from a very long term relationship a few months prior to the commencement of our "relationship" and I think he was still working through it. I was also just getting out of a rocky long term relationship.

 

Sometimes I think he was just looking to fill a void... but it still boggles my mind too given everything he said and did. He'd make frequent references to marriage calling me the "Future Mrs. X," talking about having children together, wondering how our lives would have gone had we met earlier, calling me at difficult times (before he went into surgery and after he'd picked up the remainder of his things from his ex's house etc) and introducing me to all of his friends while avoiding other women when we would go out to clubs or bars in the evening. He ended things suddenly after meeting my ex one night.

 

I saw him for the first time this weekend in over 6 months (as per a thread I started yesterday) and his behaviour was just weirder than ever and no closure as I'd hoped. But I suppose I'm really digressing from what this thread is about! Still can't help wondering.

[katrina1980]

He had separated from a very long term relationship a few months prior to the commencement of our "relationship" and I think he was still working through it. I was also just getting out of a rocky long term relationship.

 

Sometimes I think he was just looking to fill a void... but it still boggles my mind too given everything he said and did.

 

He'd make frequent references to marriage calling me the "Future Mrs. X," talking about having children together,

wondering how our lives would have gone had we met earlier, calling me at difficult times (before he went into surgery and after he'd picked up the remainder of his things from his ex's house etc) and introducing me to all of his friends while avoiding other women when we would go out to clubs or bars in the evening. He ended things suddenly after meeting my ex one night.

 

I saw him for the first time this weekend in over 6 months (as per a thread I started yesterday) and his behaviour was just weirder than ever and no closure as I'd hoped. But I suppose I'm really digressing from what this thread is about! Still can't help wondering.

 

Bolded -- that's just downright mis-leading and not fair.

 

How did it end? I presume you walked away?

 

I can tell it's still hard for you...