ClaireDarling Posted December 5, 2016 Share Posted December 5, 2016 After a month or so of complete stress, something REALLY bad happened and then something that could possibly be good happened. The guy I was talking to randomly told me he wasn't ready for a relationship because of a few different factors. I was confused but I respected that until he stopped trying to be my friend. He went from 0 to 100 really fast and seemed extremely disinterested. It hurt because even before we were "talking" we seemed to hit it off as friends pretty well. Anyway, we had a falling out. We didn't talk much, mainly because he wouldn't really talk to me. I was putting 100% of the effort into being his friend and receiving nothing back. The day after Thanksgiving, I attempted to text him to wish him a late Thanksgiving and to my surprise, his best friend (a girl) of over a decade responded for him. She wouldn't let me talk to him. She basically told me to leave him alone and move on because she doesn't like people messing with what's hers. Her main argument was that I don't know him like she does and I never will and that if anyone is going to be with him, it's her. The next morning, I tried again and asked him if he saw the messages. He had no idea she had done that, but he still seemed uninterested. He thanked me for telling him and said he'd talk to her. The next day, I figured I'd ask him if we could actually meet in person and talk. At this point, the entire situation seemed weird. It seemed more like this friend was keeping him away from me. And I wanted to actually talk face to face since we hadn't in about a month. He seemed irritated and finally agreed. Then after taking a screenshot of our convo, about 30 minutes later he sent me a message saying never mind. He was basically saying "I don't know what thinks but I'm done with it. It's not worth stressing over and I'm done responding." And he meant that. He didn't respond to anything I sent (I know I should have dropped it). Anyway, a few days pass, I already feel like I'm falling a part, but I'm starting to feel better. More numb, less pain as far as the situation goes. After a particularly bad night the night before last due to other circumstances involving a few friends of mine, at around 4am I get a text from him saying that he understands if I hate him and if I don't want to talk to him, but if I still want to meet and talk about things that we can. He let me know when he'd be back. I know he wasn't drinking just based on the way things were worded, so it wasn't like a drunk text. I responded in the morning asking him if he actually meant that and he said yes. So we met a few hours ago to talk. He didn't hug me or even sit next to me because he wasn't sure if I wanted him to. We talked about a few things. He apologized for hurting me and kept telling me that he's not good with emotions and he shouldn't have turned his back on someone who actually cared about him. And he said its not very often that it happens but he cares about me as well. He said he's still not sure he's ready for a relationship, but he wanted to know if I could forgive him. Now, all of that seems fine and good...but a few things happened that made me feel a little weird. 1) Before I went over, he said he had a dumb question. He asked if we would be having sex. I immediately said no. 2) he didn't try anything while I was there. No kissing or touching, but it was pretty obvious he was turned on for some reason. 3) He asked if we would be staying at his place to talk or going to my place when we first started talking, but after about an hour of talking, he mentioned he had a female friend coming over to study. And this was around 12am. So we had to cut our time short, but our talking was already done by that point. He wants me to come over again tonight and watch a film. I want this to go well and I know I'm blind to the situation, but what are you all seeing here? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MrWallFlower Posted December 5, 2016 Share Posted December 5, 2016 What I see is a guy who is already in a relationship trying to get his groove on with you. "Not ready for a relationship" is his way of saying " this is just sex" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Clarisse Posted December 5, 2016 Share Posted December 5, 2016 He's looking for a FWB. If that's what want too, then by all means, go for it. If not, I suggest you cut him loose. Sounds like way too much drama anyway. You'll only get hurt again, I suspect. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ClaireDarling Posted December 5, 2016 Author Share Posted December 5, 2016 Really? I mean I know that could be possible, it just doesn't seem that way to me. But of course, that's why I asked for an outside opinion. I know it's fairly easy to hide a relationship if you're really that kind of person. But we do happen to follow each other on every form of social media (unfortunately). His Facebook which is full of family and friends says he's single. He's actually the one that initiated all of this following each other and friending each other. I feel like if he had something to hide, he'd be a little more cautious. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ClaireDarling Posted December 5, 2016 Author Share Posted December 5, 2016 He's looking for a FWB. If that's what want too, then by all means, go for it. If not, I suggest you cut him loose. Sounds like way too much drama anyway. You'll only get hurt again, I suspect. Oh, that's definitely what it is. If we do end up hanging out tonight, I plan to bring that up. I don't want to cause anymore unnecessary drama since we're actually talking again. But I don't want this to be a case of "Okay, I'm ready to bring you back in my life again." Or even "I just apologized so we could hook up again." I'd much rather him be honest. I won't hate him, but I would know where our relationship stands. And I can move on accordingly. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ClaireDarling Posted December 5, 2016 Author Share Posted December 5, 2016 Also, it's not much of a secret that he has a lot of friends. A lot of female friends. I wouldn't say he's a flirt. The first time we hung out, he was literally shaking because he was that nervous. He's just a friendly person. He's also never tried to hide anything. The very first time we hung out, he had the little Facebook messenger icon open on his phone and it was a girl (his best friend), but he just doesn't seem to have many secrets. He's always referred to his friends by name with me as if I already know who they are. I don't think he's trying to cheat. I don't know. I know I'm making excuses. He even offered to get me a Christmas present. He just doesn't seem like the type. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RainyCoast Posted December 5, 2016 Share Posted December 5, 2016 his friend was not keeping him from you as she can't force him into not speaking to you. he was rude and dismissive because he chose to be. everytime you wanted to talk, he was irritated with you. that's not "friendship". he followed his applogy with a sex offer, which also isn't friendship. basically, the guy figured spewing out some decency may be a better move because he may want a booty call available. at this point, it is just about how far he can get you to lower your standards. hanging out with him will likely only prove the sole purpose of it for him is to have a stand-in person for sex. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Edmund Exley Posted December 5, 2016 Share Posted December 5, 2016 Really? I mean I know that could be possible, it just doesn't seem that way to me. But of course, that's why I asked for an outside opinion. I know it's fairly easy to hide a relationship if you're really that kind of person. But we do happen to follow each other on every form of social media (unfortunately). His Facebook which is full of family and friends says he's single. He's actually the one that initiated all of this following each other and friending each other. I feel like if he had something to hide, he'd be a little more cautious. You all but had to force him to talk to you while also having another women pick up his phone and say "Beat it" What in all this is telling you that this can go somewhere? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Edmund Exley Posted December 5, 2016 Share Posted December 5, 2016 And I doubt she is just a friend and that he didn't see the messages. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justshine1 Posted December 5, 2016 Share Posted December 5, 2016 He's totally playing with you. He wants to be sexual with you than drop u like garbage after. Be careful amd don't give into anything sexual Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ClaireDarling Posted December 5, 2016 Author Share Posted December 5, 2016 I'm not saying either of you are wrong. I guess in context it makes things different. I can easily see how that seems a lot like a "secret" girlfriend. But I just feel like if that were the case, wouldn't he have tried his best to keep that from me? I mean I know her name. I know what she looks like. She never once insinuated that they were dating. It seemed more like she was threatened. I'm older than her. I live closer to him than her. She kept reminding me of how he's her best friend. Her messages came across as a VERY jealous friend, not an angry girlfriend. When we talked, he even said that if anything were going to happen with her after 13 years, it would have. I'm not defending him. If I was completely oblivious, I wouldn't be posting here. Something does seem weird. It does seem a lot like he just wants a friend with benefits. When we talked I think I was more relieved to actually be able to talk to him than anything. I didn't have anything prepared to say to him because I didn't think it would happen. But, tonight if we plan to watch this movie, this talk will take place first and if I feel like he's just playing me, I'll leave. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RainyCoast Posted December 5, 2016 Share Posted December 5, 2016 he doesn't have to have an actual secret girlfriend to be ingenuine. he may be doing anything with anyone without putting a title on it. after all, he did say he wasn't ready for that. he never said he wasn't ready to have multiple eff buddies in standby. oh wait, he even flat out offered it. there is no confusion regarding what kind of way of relating to females he prefers. yours is only to decide if you're okay with it or not. shoving your head in the sand telling yourself this is friendship or a start of monogamous anything isn't very fruitful. i don't mean to be snide, i am asking for the sake of clarification: what are you hoping this is/ what are you hoping comes out of it? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MissCanuck Posted December 5, 2016 Share Posted December 5, 2016 He's absolutely trying to downgrade you into a FWB. Are you going to allow yourself to be downgraded? Hopefully not. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ClaireDarling Posted December 5, 2016 Author Share Posted December 5, 2016 RainyCoast, I'm hoping he sticks around. I don't HAVE to be in a relationship with him. That's not a priority anymore. I like him as a person. And I know you all see him as an a hole, more than likely. And you think I'm just blind or playing dumb. I'm not. I wanted this so badly. I made myself sick trying to figure out what I did wrong, but last night put things into perspective. I care about him. For whatever that's worth. I'm not going to allow myself to be hurt by him again. I'm also not going to sleep with him. I could have last night. I wanted to last night, but that wouldn't have solved anything and I would feel worse about myself and probably end up in the same predicament. MissCanuck, im not going to let him do that. If anything, that's the one thing I can control. And right now, sex won't solve anything. FWB has to be mutual and at this point it's not. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Edmund Exley Posted December 5, 2016 Share Posted December 5, 2016 Why would he hide it from you, he isnt even hiding it from her. You'll find out the hard way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RainyCoast Posted December 5, 2016 Share Posted December 5, 2016 i'm sad to agree you'll likely find out the hard way. maybe you've just not seen enough of him to face the facts. some of us have a very high threshold for bull. can you imagine dating others for now? please don't put your life on hold because of this hope. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wiseman2 Posted December 5, 2016 Share Posted December 5, 2016 Agree with the others posters that this woman "friend" who told you to get lost on his behalf is a giant red flag. Going over to his place for netflix and chill to discuss this won't undo that. I live closer to him than her.tonight if we plan to watch this movie, this talk will take place first and if I feel like he's just playing me, I'll leave. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lostandhurt Posted December 5, 2016 Share Posted December 5, 2016 Well you are going so please proceed with caution. Take things slow, ask for clarification on what he wants out of this "friendship" Don't let him be vague, insist on real answers. Also don't have sex with him. Lost Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Edmund Exley Posted December 6, 2016 Share Posted December 6, 2016 She just started a thread asking if being FWB works. She'll find out the hard way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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