How to let someone down easy

[Maddyb12]

Hello all, really needing some advice here. My coworker/friend confessed his feelings for me a week ago. When he did this he sat me down and asked to talk-he was bummed I had cancelled plans on him and had heard from someone else I had visited an ex boyfriend. He pretty much put it all out there said he hates to hear about me with other guys, that he has feelings for me etc my response was that I'm so busy right now and stuff with my ex is complicated. This was last Sunday, all week he has been texting me (thankfully in working at a different location for a few weeks so we will not see eachother) anyways he has been texting sometimes about just normal friendly things but asked what I wanted for Christmas and mentioned "it sucks not seeing you after our talk" which leads me to believe he didn't quite catch onto what my reaction was...

 

I don't have feelings for him, he's a few years younger than I am and I generally like older guys. He is immature, has a bad attitude and I know if I tell him flat out I don't have feelings for him it will create a hostile work environment. I'm not sure how to approach this or what to do. It's driving me to the point where I find myself blowing off his texts and ignoring him which is also making me feel awful because it is terrible to be ignored but I feel like if I talk to much he's getting the impression our feelings are mutual.

 

What do I do guys?! we were very close friends but I feel this has ruined everything

[notalady]

You were only close because he's interested in dating you.

 

Be direct but polite, "Hi X, sorry but I feel like I wasn't being very clear during our talk on Sunday, I see you as a friend, and I don't want to pursue anything more with you. I'm sure you understand and I hope it doesn't affect our working relationship."

[kathy679]

Be honest. Be honest but try to be sensitive towards him too by saying it in the nicest way possible. Be prepared for him to take it badly and if he's immature then he will probably be a bit moody about it. If that happens give yourself as much distance as possible and don't take it personally. Dont feel bad you've done nothing wrong

[Maddyb12]

Knowing his personality this is going to cause issues and he will be rude to me. He is good looking and I imagine hasn't been rejected much his ego is big which I can already tell is going to result in him being immature about it. He started texting me last night about how he was having the worst day and has to put his cat to sleep. I feel bad for him but also feels he's trying to guilt me into conversations with him at this point.

[kathy679]

I'm in a similar situation with a man who has feelings for me and I have zero feelings. Every time I tell him I'm not interested he tells me about something bad that's happening to him. I find it really annoying, not to be horrid but I just see it as controlling. Yes your cat has died, it's very sad but how has that got anything to do with me not having feelings for you? Please see this as controlling behaviour, you don't need to tell him that but just don't be pushed into anything because he is using the bad things that have happened to him as a way of making you feel sorry for him.

Who wants to go out with someone because they feel sorry for them? No one does!

So if I was you I would try to be polite but keep yourself as distant as possible

[SoulTaker]

Knowing his personality this is going to cause issues and he will be rude to me. He is good looking and I imagine hasn't been rejected much his ego is big which I can already tell is going to result in him being immature about it. He started texting me last night about how he was having the worst day and has to put his cat to sleep. I feel bad for him but also feels he's trying to guilt me into conversations with him at this point.

 

In dealing with hostile, rude people, you have to be direct and to the point. You cannot be timid, or weak. Tell him that you're interested in someone else, and that all communication in the future will have to be work-related (and stick to it). Do not accept anything from him (texts, lunch requests, calls,...) that is not work related.

 

Also, seal the leak on how he's getting details on your personal business (e.g. finding out you visited the ex-boyfriend). He's a co-worker, so he should know nothing about your personal life, unless you're providing this info to other people who know him. Both of you are immature in letting it get to this stage.

[Maddyb12]

In dealing with hostile, rude people, you have to be direct and to the point. You cannot be timid, or weak. Tell him that you're interested in someone else, and that all communication in the future will have to be work-related (and stick to it). Do not accept anything from him (texts, lunch requests, calls,...) that is not work related.

 

Also, seal the leak on how he's getting details on your personal business (e.g. finding out you visited the ex-boyfriend). He's a co-worker, so he should know nothing about your personal life, unless you're providing this info to other people who know him. Both of you are immature in letting it get to this stage.

 

I'm confused as to how I am immature in this situation? He heard from another co worker but we are also friends or were.

[Sportster2005]

He created the hostile work environment, not you.

 

Don't let him down easy. Let him down firmly and professionally.

 

"I would prefer to keep our relationship a professional one. Please don't contact me unless it's necessary to perform our assigned duties."

[SoulTaker]

I'm confused as to how I am immature in this situation? He heard from another co worker but we are also friends or were.

 

He is immature, has a bad attitude and I know if I tell him flat out I don't have feelings for him it will create a hostile work environment.

 

He is good looking and I imagine hasn't been rejected much his ego is big which I can already tell is going to result in him being immature about it.

 

Not only did you became personal (close friend) with a co-worker, but with someone with a rotten personality who you feel threatened by. He didn't force himself on you, so why did you become friends with him? Were you first taking in by his looks? You allowed immaturity to come into your life at the work place, when you should have probably known better.

[Maddyb12]

Not only did you became personal (close friend) with a co-worker, but with someone with a rotten personality who you feel threatened by. He didn't force himself on you, so why did you become friends with him? Were you first taking in by his looks? You allowed immaturity to come into your life at the work place, when you should have probably known better.

 

I'm actual somewhat shocked at your response. I work at a restaurant and everyone is close im not sure the problem with being friends. To imply that I'm only friends with him because of his looks is so rude.

[HeartGoesOn]

Many people have to learn the hard way, that mixing your personal life with your work life has it's consequences. You're better off being friendly, but at the same time keep your distance.

 

Either way, you need to put this guy in his place and focus on your job.

[reinventmyself]

Perfect example of a life lesson, that you have basically no control over other people's behavior or reaction.

You handle your part respectfully and maturely and leave the rest to him.

If he responds badly and it interferes with work, then you go to HR.

[SoulTaker]

I'm actual somewhat shocked at your response. I work at a restaurant and everyone is close im not sure the problem with being friends. To imply that I'm only friends with him because of his looks is so rude.

 

You're so focused on defending yourself, that you don't comment on the more important parts of this situation. Keep the facts straight. I didn't state anything. I inquired as to why you became close to a jerk. You're the one who brought his looks into the equation, not me. Working in a restaurant is not a requirement for co-workers knowing your personal business.

 

I'm trying to help you understand that you played a role in all of this. He only did what you allowed him to do. You've put yourself in a position where you are now afraid of this guy (bad attitude, hostile, rude,...). That should never happen, especially in the work place where you are forced to work with this person.

[Maddyb12]

I never said I was afraid... More worried for how it will affect our friendship

[SoulTaker]

I never said I was afraid... More worried for how it will affect our friendship

 

Maddy, you are in denial. You are afraid of telling him the truth. You are afraid of a "hostile working environment". Notalady has told you what exactly needs to be done, along with other posters. He is only friends with you because he wants to sleep with you. Is this what you want in a friendship? Whenever a man acts like this, and you have zero feelings for him, then the friendship is over.

[Maddyb12]

What am I in denial of? It's just uncomfortable doesn't mean you have to attack me. I didn't come here asking for someone to point out what I did wrong to let it get this point I'm just looking for advice on how to let him down without hurting him

[notalady]

What am I in denial of? It's just uncomfortable doesn't mean you have to attack me. I didn't come here asking for someone to point out what I did wrong to let it get this point I'm just looking for advice on how to let him down without hurting him

 

Rejections hurt (egos), full stop. There's no way around it.

 

All you can do is be polite and direct so that there's no misunderstanding or misinterpretation. The more you try to dance around it or being vague, the more it will come back to bite you because he'll think you were leaving the door open and will eventually become vengeful (from the way you describe him) because he thinks you've strung him along.

 

Being direct and very clear is key to rejection.

[ShatteredMan]

Be direct and honest with him. I could tell from the way you described him that he's one of those guys who probably freak out if he saw you with another guy and could really become a problem in your life at that point.

[SoulTaker]

What am I in denial of? It's just uncomfortable doesn't mean you have to attack me. I didn't come here asking for someone to point out what I did wrong to let it get this point I'm just looking for advice on how to let him down without hurting him

 

And what people are telling you is that you allowed this man to get too close to you to let him down gently. It's obvious that you can't handle constructive criticism. "HeartGoesOn" is telling you the same thing in that you can be "business friendly" with someone without having to be a friend.

 

You allowed this man to be a "close friend", and now you don't want to hurt him in turning him down. Sorry, but there is no easy way out of this situation.

[RainyCoast]

look, if you're going to be that level of a people (ego) pleaser, you're choosing the consequence of living your life on others' terms.

 

there is no gentle way to put it. either be firm, or agree to his whims and possible harrassment.

 

i'd use sportster's line, verbatim.

[Maddyb12]

I didn't really come here to analyze my need for not wanting to hurt someone.. I am going to talk with him about it, that was always the plan just a matter of how. Thanks

[RainyCoast]

you can be pretty curt with people who offer neutral and honest advice, i don't see how you have to be a softy with someone who causes you problems.

 

the "how" of talking to him about it was the subject of discussion, because it affects what you will be left to deal with as a consequence. i don't know how you missed that.

 

anyway, good luck however you approach it.

[Maddyb12]

you can be pretty curt with people who offer neutral and honest advice, i don't see how you have to be a softy with someone who causes you problems.

 

the "how" of talking to him about it was the subject of discussion, because it affects what you will be left to deal with as a consequence. i don't know how you missed that.

 

anyway, good luck however you approach it.

 

I don't think I'm being rude if anything i think soul taker was rude for asking if i let him become close to me because of his looks, that I was immature to let it get to this point, and I shouldn't have become friends with him. I never said he was a jerk I said I knew he would react bad to rejection. I never missed that part that is the whole reason I came here to try to figure out the best way to approach it with as little negative aftermath as possible. Up until now he hasn't "caused me problems" he has been a friend so yeah I do care about his feelings

[katrina1980]

And what people are telling you is that you allowed this man to get too close to you to let him down gently. It's obvious that you can't handle constructive criticism. "HeartGoesOn" is telling you the same thing in that you can be "business friendly" with someone without having to be a friend.

 

You allowed this man to be a "close friend", and now you don't want to hurt him in turning him down. Sorry, but there is no easy way out of this situation.

 

I agree with this^. Same with when she allowed her student to take her phone and see her nudes. Same with the guy she was having a cyber-RL with for six months (or was it six years as posted in a different thread?).

 

Maddy, you are responsible for what happens to you in YOUR life.

 

Own that.

 

Every thread you start, people are legit trying to help you by pointing this out, but you continue to take offense and become overly-defensive.

 

Yes you played a role in this. You allowed this man to get too close as ST said. And, as such, he developed feelings which isn't your responsibility, but as a co-worker, and knowing how hot-headed and volitile he is, it would've been more prudent to keep a safe distance from the get go.

 

Again OWN THAT at least.

 

As for what to do, tell him the truth. Be assertive.

 

If he's rude, becomes verbally abusive and lashes out, tell your supervisor.

 

Because that constitutes a form of verbal/emotional harassment which is against the U.S. Federal Labor Laws.

 

Lesson learned (hopefully) and best of luck.

[Maddyb12]

I agree with this^. Same with when she allowed her student to take her phone and see her nudes. Same with the guy she was having a cyber-RL with for six months (or was it six years as posted in a different thread?).

 

Maddy, you are responsible for what happens to you in YOUR life.

 

Own that.

 

Every thread you start, people are legit trying to help you by pointing this out, but you continue to take offense and become overly-defensive.

 

Yes you played a role in this. You allowed this man to get too close as ST said. And, as such, he developed feelings which isn't your responsibility, but as a co-worker, and knowing how hot-headed and volitile he is, it would've been more prudent to keep a safe distance from the get go.

 

Again OWN THAT at least.

 

As for what to do, tell him the truth. Be assertive.

 

If he's rude, becomes verbally abusive and lashes out, tell your supervisor.

 

Because that constitutes a form of verbal/emotional harassment which is against the U.S. Federal Labor Laws.

 

Lesson learned (hopefully) and best of luck.

 

I definitely never said 6 years, I may have referenced a relationship I was in prior for 6 years. And I'm not sure what my previous posts have to do with this. I am thankful for the advice I received pertaining to the issue, I never said I didn't allow this to happen but it wasn't intentional we were working every shift together and s friendship developed I didn't realize he would become interested.