BF just said:"guys will have sex with anything that moves"

[h0000]

My BF doesn't agree that there is always some truth behind every joke. He thinks a joke is just a joke and he doesn't put deep thoughts behind things people say either.

To give him some credit, so far he never acts the way he jokes. He treats me very well I have to say. And I have high standards.

This is why I'm always giving him the benefit of the doubts I guess. If he treats me poorly and makes poor jokes I won't still be with him.

[notalady]

Did he cheat on you?

 

No, we only dated for 6 months. He went hot and cold on me after 3 months, broke up 5 times within the 2 months after, because I refused to accept the hot and cold behaviour each time, but each time he promised he won't do that anymore or that he's just stressed or just working stuff out. Finally I said this is enough and it's ridiculous and I walked away.

 

I don't worry about cheating. I think if I so much as having a fleeting thought or subconscious doubt / question as to whether it is even a possibility that my partner would cheat, that's enough for me to know that I don't trust them enough and I should stop dating them.

 

I look at it purely on a compatibility (of character, value, personality) basis. So if someone has different moral values than me, as it seemed to be the case with my ex through various casual discussions and some other small things he did that made me uncomfortable, I knew we weren't compatible value wise and that would not work in the long term. I don't need to wait for cheating (or something else that's bad) to happen to reach that decision.

[h0000]

I don't worry about cheating. I think if I so much as having a fleeting thought or subconscious doubt / question as to whether it is even a possibility that my partner would cheat, that's enough for me to know that I don't trust them enough and I should stop dating them. .

Does that include emotional cheating?

Do you think if you are with the right guy, you will believe he wont ever emotional or physically cheat on you? Will never change his feelings towards you?

 

 

I look at it purely on a compatibility (of character, value, personality) basis. So if someone has different moral values than me, as it seemed to be the case with my ex through various casual discussions and some other small things he did that made me uncomfortable, I knew we weren't compatible value wise and that would not work in the long term. I don't need to wait for cheating (or something else that's bad) to happen to reach that decision.

Makes sense. But I cant decide right now if we are incompatible

[notalady]

My BF doesn't agree that there is always some truth behind every joke. He thinks a joke is just a joke and he doesn't put deep thoughts behind things people say either.

To give him some credit, so far he never acts the way he jokes. He treats me very well I have to say. And I have high standards.

This is why I'm always giving him the benefit of the doubts I guess. If he treats me poorly and makes poor jokes I won't still be with him.

 

People rarely put deep thoughts into jokes, that's the beauty of it, it shows your real thoughts (conscious or subconscious) without filter.

[notalady]

Does that include emotional cheating?

Do you think if you are with the right guy, you will believe he wont ever emotional or physically cheat on you? Will never change his feelings towards you?

 

Yes that includes emotional cheating. Cheating is just not something I think about.

 

I think if I'm with the right guy, he would have high moral values and he would be loyal and honest (as I know my current partner to be, from not only the way he treats me but how he treats family, friends and work commitments). That means that his moral values and character makes cheating something very hard to live with for him and therefore isn't something he would likely do. It also means that I think he would choose to be upfront with me if his feelings change and have an amicable break up instead of resorting to cheating.

 

I wouldn't say someone won't EVER cheat, or their feelings will NEVER change. I can't predict the future. And it's a waste of time worrying about what may or may not ever happen in the future.

 

I focus on facts and evidence. And every evidence has shown me he's trustworthy, so I trust him.

[h0000]

People rarely put deep thoughts into jokes, that's the beauty of it, it shows your real thoughts (conscious or subconscious) without filter.

 

You are implying he wants to sleep with someone else?

[Batya33]

He doesn't sound like he speaks in a classy or respectful way and personally I can't stand that kind of talk and he's wrong about "guys" - no worries about "growing feelings" - if he is a person of integrity and that happened he wouldn't act on them anyway right? One year doesn't mean it's serious - why do you think it's serious other than it's been a year?

[h0000]

Yes that includes emotional cheating. Cheating is just not something I think about.

 

I think if I'm with the right guy, he would have high moral values and he would be loyal and honest (as I know my current partner to be, from not only the way he treats me but how he treats family, friends and work commitments). That means that his moral values and character makes cheating something very hard to live with for him and therefore isn't something he would likely do. It also means that I think he would choose to be upfront with me if his feelings change and have an amicable break up instead of resorting to cheating.

 

I wouldn't say someone won't EVER cheat, or their feelings will NEVER change. I can't predict the future. And it's a waste of time worrying about what may or may not ever happen in the future.

 

I focus on facts and evidence. And every evidence has shown me he's trustworthy, so I trust him.

A change of heart is just as bad as cheating isn't it? Like you said, you never know if someone will ever cheat or their feelings will ever change. Even if you trust your current partner, one day he still may break up with you because he's feelings aren't there anymore.

That's how I feel about my BF. I also don't believe he will cheat based on observations of his behaviors towards me, his family, his friends and his work. I also believe he will be upfront with me if his feelings change instead of cheating. But it sucks just the same.

How can you say he is trustworthy, while also say "but I cant predict the future". You can never trust someone 100%, not even yourself.

[h0000]

He doesn't sound like he speaks in a classy or respectful way and personally I can't stand that kind of talk and he's wrong about "guys" - no worries about "growing feelings" - if he is a person of integrity and that happened he wouldn't act on them anyway right? One year doesn't mean it's serious - why do you think it's serious other than it's been a year?

 

Let's be fair, you cant judge his personality based on one joke. You don't know how he normally speaks. And I can tell you he does speak in a respectful way 99% of the time.

Donald Trump makes much worse jokes. But I'm not going to say he is with no class. He still makes the president.

But I do worry about "growing feelings" and I don't think that has anything to do with integrity. Anyone can have a change of heart, and just because you don't act on it, doesn't make it better.

[notalady]

You are implying he wants to sleep with someone else?

 

I don't know if he wants to sleep with someone else, I don't know him, even if I do, I don't live in his head.

 

But I know he at least thinks it's normal (and possibly acceptable??) for guys to want to stick it in any hole.

[notalady]

A change of heart is just as bad as cheating isn't it? Like you said, you never know if someone will ever cheat or their feelings will ever change. Even if you trust your current partner, one day he still may break up with you because he's feelings aren't there anymore.

That's how I feel about my BF. I also don't believe he will cheat based on observations of his behaviors towards me, his family, his friends and his work. I also believe he will be upfront with me if his feelings change instead of cheating. But it sucks just the same.

How can you say he is trustworthy, while also say "but I cant predict the future". You can never trust someone 100%, not even yourself.

 

Well sounds like you have some serious trust issues. Change of heart is not the same as cheating. Cheating is betrayal, it's disrespect, and it's adding insult to injury.

 

I always operate under the premise of "trust, but verify" with people I don't know well enough, and with people I have known a while and they have proven themselves trustworthy, I will trust more and verify less.

 

I will always protect myself financially for "just in case", so that no one can ever be in a position to screw me over, but emotionally, when I trust someone I trust them fully. That means I don't worry or think about what could happen.

 

Worrying about change of heart is pointless like worrying about whether it will rain next week or whether there will be war in ten years time. Because these are not things you can control.

 

If you're in a good, healthy relationship, with a great person who is compatible with you, if you both see a real future with each other, if you both continually put in effort to maintain the relationship, which are the things you CAN control, I don't see why there's a need to worry that their feelings might change.

[h0000]

I don't know if he wants to sleep with someone else, I don't know him, even if I do, I don't live in his head.

 

But I know he at least thinks it's normal (and possibly acceptable??) for guys to want to stick it in any hole.

 

Cant possibly mean "any" hole. But many holes, yes. Guys want to have sex with many women. Even I think so. That's not a mystery we all know it.

 

Heck, now I don't even know why I posted this thread. I'm lost myself

[notalady]

he said something like "yeah, if there is a hole, guys will slay it. Just have to try it ya know. If there is a hole on the wall, we'll put it in ya know".

 

This is what you said he said. To me, that sounds like he means any hole is a goal. Also he said "WE'LL put it in", so that included himself, despite saying he's different later on when you asked.

 

I don't see why now you're back paddling and confusing yourself but anyway. If you want to keep dating him that's fine, just acknowledge what he said for what it is.

[h0000]

If you're in a good, healthy relationship, with a great person who is compatible with you, if you both see a real future with each other, if you both continually put in effort to maintain the relationship, which are the things you CAN control, I don't see why there's a need to worry that their feelings might change.

I probably have irrational fear about this, but I feel since a relationship always has ups and downs, it cant possibly be happy and rosy 24/7. And even if you are so compatible you never argument, you may still get bored with each other and lose feelings.

 

And for me, being dumped because he changed his heart hurts the same as breaking up because he cheated. I know they are different, but it hurts the same. And I'm just so scared of getting hurt...

I always think it is something I should work on but I don't know how.

[h0000]

This is what you said he said. To me, that sounds like he means any hole is a goal. Also he said "WE'LL put it in", so that included himself, despite saying he's different later on when you asked.

 

I don't see why now you're back paddling and confusing yourself but anyway. If you want to keep dating him that's fine, just acknowledge what he said for what it is.

 

I know he said "any" hole but I don't believe he means literally any hole. Obviously that's impossible. I believe he means many hole. Doesn't have to be attractive ones..

[notalady]

I know he said "any" hole but I don't believe he means literally any hole. Obviously that's impossible. I believe he means many hole. Doesn't have to be attractive ones..

 

Does it matter if it's "any" hole or "many" hole? It's still rude and crude.

 

You're over analysing this and back paddling about what you think he said. Clearly it's because you want to believe he's well intentioned, that's fine if you think what he said is fine and acceptable, it's up to you.

[notalady]

I probably have irrational fear about this, but I feel since a relationship always has ups and downs, it cant possibly be happy and rosy 24/7. And even if you are so compatible you never argument, you may still get bored with each other and lose feelings.

 

And for me, being dumped because he changed his heart hurts the same as breaking up because he cheated. I know they are different, but it hurts the same. And I'm just so scared of getting hurt...

I always think it is something I should work on but I don't know how.

 

Perhaps you should see a therapist about this fear.

 

By the way how old are you? I remember fearing love and being hurt when I was in my late teens. But as I grew a bit older I realised it's silly. Fearing something I can't control is useless, doing everything I can and doing it right is the important thing. Also after a few break ups, I knew I could handle it, it's nothing to fear about.

 

Whether you get bored with each other depend on if you both put in the effort to keep things fresh and interesting, or just sitting home doing nothing and watch tv all the time. That's why relationships take work (to an extent) to maintain. Also love grow and change in long term relationships, where it changes from the initial infatuation to become a deeper love and it continues to deepen over time. How do people stay married for 40-60 years if everyone get bored and lose feelings? It doesn't make any sense.

 

As for ups and downs, there really shouldn't be any in the first couple of years of dating, it should be pretty smooth sailing. If you're compatible, there's really very little to argue about to begin with, and in a functional healthy relationship, you should also have good communication and good conflict resolution skills.

 

There can certainly be ups and downs due to external factors, like death or sickness of a family member, or losing jobs, moving houses etc, but in a healthy relationship, you should be able to handle them as a team, and you'll come out stronger.

[Batya33]

Cant possibly mean "any" hole. But many holes, yes. Guys want to have sex with many women. Even I think so. That's not a mystery we all know it.

 

Heck, now I don't even know why I posted this thread. I'm lost myself

 

No,that is not true. Men are individuals. Some choose to have many partners, some don't, some choose to wait for marriage or till they're serious -some don't, etc. Just because someone desire someone sexually doesn't mean they act on it. If you think so poorly of men that you think they can't control themselves, don't get serious with a man because that would require admiration and respect.

[Batya33]

Cant possibly mean "any" hole. But many holes, yes. Guys want to have sex with many women. Even I think so. That's not a mystery we all know it.

 

Heck, now I don't even know why I posted this thread. I'm lost myself

It's about choice. Not about passively "losing feelings" - if you feel bored ,you put in the effort to reconnect. Etc.

[notalady]

Guys want to have sex with many women. Even I think so. That's not a mystery we all know it.

 

It's not an universal truth. Some guys want to sleep with many women, and a lot of guys don't. I wouldn't date the guys who do.

 

As long as you believe that that's what all (or most) men want, you'll keep meeting guys who think that way. Because you think it's normal and acceptable.

 

None of the men in my life (friends, family or partner) think that way. They are all relationship minded and have no interest in chasing tail.

 

I've dated a few guys (briefly) who think that way, and to be honest, I didn't and couldn't trust them.

[h0000]

Perhaps you should see a therapist about this fear.

 

By the way how old are you? I remember fearing love and being hurt when I was in my late teens. But as I grew a bit older I realised it's silly. Fearing something I can't control is useless, doing everything I can and doing it right is the important thing. Also after a few break ups, I knew I could handle it, it's nothing to fear about.

 

.

I'm the opposite. I didn't fear love at all and never felt insecure in my younger years. Now I'm late 20s and after having been through some breakups, fear and insecurities are just growing stronger and stronger.

[notalady]

I'm the opposite. I didn't fear love at all and never felt insecure in my younger years. Now I'm late 20s and after having been through some breakups, fear and insecurities are just growing stronger and stronger.

 

Then perhaps you need to work through whatever issue you have as a result of past relationships.

[Ms Darcy]

Let's be fair, you cant judge his personality based on one joke. You don't know how he normally speaks. And I can tell you he does speak in a respectful way 99% of the time.

 

That's what some others and I asked you at the beginning. This is the bottom line.

 

This thread has gone into a rabbit hole because you've let yourself be swayed. If you know this (above) then just leave the thread and don't confuse yourself. You know him, you know his personality, and you know if this was not indicative of something much more sinister.

[SoulTaker]

I'm not sure what you mean by "the way I'm going about this". During the whole year together I asked once how many women has he had. Expressed once I'm insecure about his living situation. Questioned once "what do you mean by that joke ", I don't go about it everyday so I don't really see any sexual innuendo to be honest. And why wouldn't he put up with me? I'm very nice to him? I agree I'm insecure but I keep most of my problems to myself

 

I met the women, they react around me fine. But it doesn't guarantee things won't happen in the future?

 

When I asked "are you included (in those guys who bang everything) he said no he's different.

Am I suppose to ignore that part and choose to just believe the "wants to bang everything" part?

 

He's only had sex with four women including me. He had the chance to go on vacation with female friends and nothing sexual happened. He has gone on dates before but didn't have sex with them because he wasn't feeling the spark. also He never claimed to be a real good guy.

 

This is what I was referring to. The joke wasn't the only time that this subject has come up about him and other women. It's been more than once. Did he just blurt this out, or did it to please you, or answer any questions coming from you? Either way, this isn't normal.

 

I've never had to explain myself to any woman like he's doing (nor would I if asked). You cannot continue to have him walking around on "pins & needles" due to your insecurity (something that you are not aware of). His joking might be his way of lashing back at you.

[Batya33]

Let's be fair, you cant judge his personality based on one joke. You don't know how he normally speaks. And I can tell you he does speak in a respectful way 99% of the time.

Donald Trump makes much worse jokes. But I'm not going to say he is with no class. He still makes the president.

But I do worry about "growing feelings" and I don't think that has anything to do with integrity. Anyone can have a change of heart, and just because you don't act on it, doesn't make it better.

 

I didn't judge him in the least- but you are judging all men as wanting to have multiple partners, etc.

 

Having a change of heart is not cheating -for example the wedding vows are focused on actions because we cannot control our feelings. Most people's feelings change, come and go, fade/wane etc and if two people are committed to each other and this happens they either choose to stay committed and not act on changes in feelings (and often do the internal work to get to the root of it) or they choose to break things off (which is not cheating either). You want to be with someone who doesn't break things off impulsively because of a change of heart that may be a lot of nothing (or resolvable) and that's about values not feelings.

 

I agree with Mrs. Darcy. I don't think that comment reflected respect toward you or class. And if you know him and know that was an aberration then sure that's fine I get it. That's not how you described it earlier.