Interested?

[Brokenheart99]

So I met a guy who is long distance. Before everyone gangs up on me and tells me to meet someone locally(I agree it's better, trust me, but in my culture and limited selection it's not always possible. We date to eventually marry and likely one of us moves to another's location). Anyway, It's been a few months. We texted first, he's always been delayed but polite and keeps it going. We met up for dinner early on, I thought it went well. He always says he will talk to me later etc and he's continued contact although his texts are usually very delayed. He had started calling somewhat regularly(but not scheduled). We met this past weekend when I had to be in his city. But even though I was there for 3-4 days, he only Met up with me for dinner and then a few hours the next day, since he was busy with work. He calls kinda regularly but I don't know about that. He's super delayed, but is always extremely polite and is always complimenting me. We had a lotta deeper conversations about similarly upbringing and past relationships etc and I felt like we connected on that. To me, it seems like he has a casual approach to this whole dating thing because his family pushes him to get married so much. To me, I get the vibe that he just meets girls and if it happens that he really likes them, he will marry/date them but otherwise, he is content with work and life at the moment. I could be wrong.

 

Am I expecting too much? Or is this how millennials date? Like yesterday we were talking on the phone, I had a bad day. He got a call in the middle and *i thought* he said he would call me right back but he never did. Am I allowed to be annoyed? Or is this expecting too much? Is this just how millennials/casual dating goes? You have 0 expectations, can't ever get annoyed or say stuff and let him come to you? Because I feel like if I ask him why he didn't call back etc, for starters, I'm not his girlfriend and secondly, I come off too needy? Should I just drop all expectations? Why does he continue to call me/text me and tell me he will talk to me later if he's super casual about it all or not interested?

 

Sorry for the length!

[RainyCoast]

forgive me, for i live under a rock: what are millenials?

 

how far away does he live?

 

to be honest, i think it's smart of him to want to be content on his own first, and meet people well before he decides he wants a long term commitment. are you feeling rushed to marry?

[Wiseman2]

It sounds like he's close enough to meet up now and then. He's also "dating for marriage"? Perhaps he is also interviewing other bride candidates/going on dates? Do his parents select or fix him up with women?

 

How is the attraction/chemistry in person? Has he talked about exclusive dating? In this case play it by ear and see of he picks up the slack with communication and tries to arrange more in person meets. In the meantime keep dating other men.

in my culture and limited selection it's not always possible. We date to eventually marry. We met this past weekend when I had to be in his city. But even though I was there for 3-4 days, he only Met up with me for dinner and then a few hours the next day, since he was busy with work. it seems like he has a casual approach to this whole dating thing because his family pushes him to get married so much.

[Andrina]

If you don't feel like a priority, then you're not. It doesn't sound like the relationship, if that's what you can call it, is progressing. When you say he is delayed with the calls and texts, it sounds like you're making the initial contact all the time. You're not in a committed relationship so feel free to date others if that opportunity comes along. Let him make all of the initial efforts from now on. Don't visit him. See how long it takes for him to visit you.

 

If you're not satisfied with the status quo after a few more months of gauging his interest by letting him take the lead, then move on.

 

When I met my future husband, he made it crystal clear from the first date that he was crazy about me and put lots of effort into progressing the relationship. That was a good feeling for me to have, so that I wasn't left wondering. If your guy isn't showing any of this in what is supposed to be the beginning highs of a relationship when hormones are running wild, then maybe you need to admit that your future partner will be someone else. Take care.

[Brokenheart99]

Millennials are like Generation Y I guess.1980-2000 age group. Kinda overachievers at work, a bit selfish, passionate, carefree etc. urban dictionary would probably have a better definition.

 

Yeah I mean what he goes through and what I go through is similar. We meet plenty of people on our own and also get set up by our parents. He was actually someone my parents introduced me to. He lives across the country. To me, the chemistry in person seems good, seems like we have fun and connect and agree on a lotta things, but again this could all be one sided. I don't know how he feels about me or this because we haven't discussed it. We have just discussed how frustrating it is how our parents push marriage on us and the silly ways they react to us not being married yet. I'm sure he is dating other people, as am I. I've met a few other men who are great and are interesting and I keep my options available, as I'm sure he is too. Which is fine, since we aren't official or anything yet. And no, I don't initiate everything, he initiates too, I think.

 

But I guess, that's my question..how long do you let this go on? Because I feel like this is how dating goes nowadays. Like one of the guys I'm currently seeing, we started off this way, met at a party a year back, he was super flakey, would message me here and there and then ignore for months. I didn't care because I had 0 expectations so I never said anything or cut him off. I was always just polite and in back. but now a year later, he's texting and talking to me regularly. So that's what I'm wondering if this guy is like that too? Do I just keep it going with 0 expectations and never get annoyed or say anything about his flakiness? Keep it pressure free and let it develop? For how long? And my problem with that is, I actually like this guy so I can see myself falling for him and getting hurt if I keep that up.

[Wiseman2]

Look for consistency and progress. If things are flaky or stalled out then back away.

 

Perhaps all you have in common is "We have just discussed how frustrating it is how our parents push marriage on us and the silly ways they react to us not being married yet". Try conversation topics that revolve around yourselves as people, interests hobbies, etc.

 

That's not a great conversation to start with because you both sound annoyed and pressured rather than feeling like dating is voluntary and desired. It sounds kinda like "we're on this date because we have to be and it sucks". That is quite a far cry from normal modern millennial dating since arranged dating/marriage is ancient and forced.

[Andrina]

As for me, I wouldn't give a guy more than 4 months. If he didn't want to be exclusive with me at that point, and if nothing was progressing, I'd call it quits. If any guy contacted me after that point, I'd communicate the reasons that I was cutting contact with him. Even if I really liked a guy, if he wasn't matching my dating goals and the way I like to go about things, I'd move on to be free for the right guy.

 

The right guy won't be scared away by your wants and needs. Never feel like you can't communicate what's in your heart. It's not being needy and clingy. It's saying that this is the style that makes you most comfortable in a relationship, and if a person doesn't match you in how often you like to communicate, how often you get together, how steady the pace goes, etc., then it means the person isn't the one for you.

[Brokenheart99]

Yeah perhaps wiseman, maybe he started off more interested, but maybe he's lost some interest now. I also think partly, he's not really ready, or in the same place I am, so he's just casual about it all. Maybe I want things to be more serious or I like him sooner than he likes me. I guess maybe I should back off. My friends say that I should just keep it going without any expectations and move on some and date other people. Which I am dating other people. But I also just like this guy more than the others. So I don't know how to not get frustrated or expect things since I like him. He's just not there yet and maybe he will never be.

 

I'm not sure what the best way to approach this situation because I also want to protect myself from getting hurt but I also want to let this play out some and see if it develops into anything (without losing the other men I am dating).

[Brokenheart99]

As for me, I wouldn't give a guy more than 4 months. If he didn't want to be exclusive with me at that point, and if nothing was progressing, I'd call it quits. If any guy contacted me after that point, I'd communicate the reasons that I was cutting contact with him. Even if I really liked a guy, if he wasn't matching my dating goals and the way I like to go about things, I'd move on to be free for the right guy.

 

The right guy won't be scared away by your wants and needs. Never feel like you can't communicate what's in your heart. It's not being needy and clingy. It's saying that this is the style that makes you most comfortable in a relationship, and if a person doesn't match you in how often you like to communicate, how often you get together, how steady the pace goes, etc., then it means the person isn't the one for you.

 

So 4 months? I always thought the rule was 6 months? But I'm not sure. That's how I feel too that I shouldn't be scared to communicate my needs, but I've also done that and regretted it because I got too serious too soon. And in this generation of dating, it seems like whoever cares least wins and whoever catches feelings first loses.

[Andrina]

Well, I don't know where intimacy comes into play here. Is there making out? Is there going all the way? Most people are at that point by the 4 month mark unless celibate until commitment is made or marriage. As for me, if I'm going to be sharing my body with a man, I don't want him dating others and I don't want to date anyone else. To me, it doesn't mean there is some major commitment since we are still getting to know each other. It means we want to date exclusively without outside interference to see if we can build something long term.

 

If you have to play games with someone, acting like you don't care and like you're two ships who pass in the night, then why bother? To me, it does take dating a boatload of people to find someone who matches you in all the major ways. Sometimes it doesn't mean like how the guy is going about things is wrong, or that the woman is going about things wrong. It means they don't match and belong with someone on the same page as them.

 

When I was single, I went on a few dates with a guy who said he took a really long time to decide to be with only one person, and he would multi-date. I told him that wasn't my style and I no longer dated him. He was in the right to date however he liked, but that's not the way I like to do things.

 

When I met my future husband, he and I were very much alike in enjoying getting together several times a week and speaking daily on the phone. Perhaps this would be too much too soon for other people's tastes, but it worked for us. Keep going until you find the man who goes about things like you do. Otherwise, it just doesn't feel right and keeps you frustrated and confused.

[katrina1980]

Well, I don't know where intimacy comes into play here. Is there making out? Is there going all the way? Most people are at that point by the 4 month mark unless celibate until commitment is made or marriage.

 

As for me, if I'm going to be sharing my body with a man, I don't want him dating others and I don't want to date anyone else. To me, it doesn't mean there is some major commitment since we are still getting to know each other. It means we want to date exclusively without outside interference to see if we can build something long term.

 

If you have to play games with someone, acting like you don't care and like you're two ships who pass in the night, then why bother? To me, it does take dating a boatload of people to find someone who matches you in all the major ways. Sometimes it doesn't mean like how the guy is going about things is wrong, or that the woman is going about things wrong. It means they don't match and belong with someone on the same page as them.

 

When I was single, I went on a few dates with a guy who said he took a really long time to decide to be with only one person, and he would multi-date. I told him that wasn't my style and I no longer dated him. He was in the right to date however he liked, but that's not the way I like to do things.

 

When I met my future husband, he and I were very much alike in enjoying getting together several times a week and speaking daily on the phone. Perhaps this would be too much too soon for other people's tastes, but it worked for us. Keep going until you find the man who goes about things like you do. Otherwise, it just doesn't feel right and keeps you frustrated and confused.

 

This! Every single point which is why I didn't bold anything.... ALL of it is right on point!

 

And Andrina, the way you and your husband dated is exactly how my new guy and I are dating. Like you said, when you're sharing your bodies with each other and the goal is a committed RL, you don't want outside influences (like dating others) to interfere with the process of getting to know and developing a RL with each other.

 

I mean why bother? You've met someone with whom there is strong chemistry and compatibility (thus far) so why mess it up by throwing other people into the mix?

 

Otherwise known as "multi-dating."

 

I have never understood this mentality. And I've tried it believe you me, and all it did was mess with my head. To each his own about that I guess, it doesn't work for me.

 

This doesn't take "months" either. You meet, have a few dates, you click, have fun, strong chemistry... you have sex (which clinches it).

 

My guy and I were exclusive pretty much from the get go.

 

I casually mentioned "exclusivity" a couple of weeks ago (at the urging of one of my good friends cuz normally I would never even bring it up) and he sort of chuckled like it was a given we were exclusive.. lol It was funny actually.

 

OP, toss this guy back. This "relationship" is going nowhere except maybe down a long painful road to never-never land.

 

I always say this, but choose wisely from the getgo and avoid pain, hurt or disappointment later.

 

It's called smart dating!

 

Best of luck.

[Brokenheart99]

Yeah, there's nothing really physical, we haven't seen each other much enough for that to happen and maybe I give off a conservative vibe or maybe he just doesn't like me hah. I don't know, one thing I do know is that when I have to guess this much about a guy's feelings for me, it's usually because they aren't there. So I guess if we do talk again and he initiates, I'll ask him. I always do this, I hesitate so much asking a guy because I'm afraid to lose what I hope will develop. But yeah, maybe the right guy won't back away. I don't know what the answer is, because I do know it's too soon for me to ask and I'm jumping the gun. So likely he will say something non committal like we don't know each other well enough, I'm not looking to get married anytime soon, or probably that he's not that interested. I just need to prepare for being strong and saying okay and walking away with some dignity instead of lingering and asking why. Because I always do that and stick around and look so pathetic in the process. I'm gonna regret either option, if I do ask him and don't get the answer I want(I will tell myself I pushed too soon). And if I don't ask and wait, I'll be angry later that I wished I had ended it sooner before I got hurt. Unrequited feelings are always a lose lose haha.

 

Anyway I think I'll just ask what his dating goals are at the very least. But I kinda get a good feeling that he's over this, as I haven't heard from him at all since he told me he would call me back. Thanks guys for the advice!