crumblebumble Posted November 22, 2016 Share Posted November 22, 2016 So I was with my ex for 5.5 years, we loved each other very much and I miss him every day. We looked at rings, I was a part of his family, we lived together, looked at houses to buy together, everything. We broke up 6 months ago for various reasons, but neither of us wanted to let go of the other. He would call me crying saying how he would never date anyone as good looking as me, as talented as me, etc. He used the words 'I worshipped the ground you walked on'. We kept saying I love you up until a month a ago, sleeping together, etc. The back and forth with him kinda made me batty, and at some point I had a full emotional meltdown. I started desperately trying to get back with --in the absolute wrong way, by calling/texting/emailing the crap out of him. Anyways, that went on for a bit, but at some point he just switched off. He started to become angry ALL the time, though occasionally would still say he had feelings for me. Recently, he said in no uncertain terms that he does not want to hear from me anymore, at all. He would love to be my friend, but it's gonna be awhile. And, at some point, he'll get in touch. He said the dread words 'Forget about me, move on. I'm moving on' My friends have said he's 'dating' but nothing serious, just a bunch of tinder dates. I'm trying to move on, slowly, mainly trying to be ok about living alone rather than go on a ton of dates. I'm not in the space. So, that said---does anybody know of any bitter divorces, angry breakups, the worst of the worst that, over time, came back together? I'm not pausing my life for some far flung hope, but I'd love to hear something good, Because I miss him very much. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kaykayxo Posted November 22, 2016 Share Posted November 22, 2016 I'm going to be so honest with you -- whatever happened in other peoples personal lives does not matter. This is your life, your situation. Yes. People have reconciled after painful breakup and harsh exchanges. It's happened. But that does not mean it will happen for your relationship nor should you cling to false hope. Here is the reality: the ball is in his court now. He was the one who decided there must be progression from whatever limbo you were in (still sleeping together, pillow talk etc). He clearly realized it wasn't healthy or beneficial, and decided he must cut it off. He has made it clear to you that he is fully working on moving on from whatever you two had, and wishes you to do the same. You are pressing him and clinging for no good reason! Point is, no use seeking fake validation through others experiences. Yes it does and can happen. So what? You could also walk onto the street and be struck down by lightening, statistically speaking. Please remember that you two ended for a reason and try to focous less on the dates he is going on/what he is doing and more on yourself. Whatever that entails. You are you, and he is him, put yourself first girl! Go out for drinks, get your hair done..anything that will make you feel confident and sexy. Pour all of this energy into yourself because there are a ton of men out there who would want to be with you. There is zero use pushing for a man who has made it clear he does not want you(whether he did in the past or not does not matter!!). Forget about the past, live in the now. What will happen ..will happen. Just don't hold your breath or wait. Who knows. By the time he does reach out or whatever goes on, you may very well have fully moved on by then. Crazy to imagine but it's life. You are clinging to something that will waste your time, energy and emotions. Free yourself from thoughts of the past, or how it could have went differently, and be the best version of yourself you can be. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
abitbroken Posted November 22, 2016 Share Posted November 22, 2016 If you were close to marrying and you broke it off, it is for good reason. I don't know the reasons you both decided to end it, but you clearly were not interested enough in marrying eachother. If he is saying he won't meet anyone as gorgeous or talented - that's superficial. He said nothing about "someone I will love as much". At any rate, he doesn't want to talk to you and the only thing you can do is heal and move forward. Maybe things will change someday, maybe they won't. You need to tell your friends to stop bringing him up. Do not inform you if he is dating or not and try to find new friends that don't know him as well. Yes, learning to live alone is very important for you now Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rtyu4567 Posted November 22, 2016 Share Posted November 22, 2016 Kay, thank you for this. I know how you are feeling Crumble, but I'm trying......boy oh boy am I trying. Similar story but diff in the sense that we did not see each other at all since the break up. But I was desperately searching for a light that would indicate that perhaps there would be some sort of clearance and reconcilition in the future. I even had an urge to unblock him a little while ago, too sort of open lines of communication.......just in case he changes his mind. In other words I want to put my self through more pain. Yes, people get back together again and they don't. But, I love how Kaykayxo put it. No more clinging, if it happens it happens, he is my ex for a reason and there was a lot of misery towards the end, I can't and won't forget that. I miss him madly too, but I need to put me first. I can't just hang around wondering will we get back together again, don't get me wrong today I thought about it a lot, but that needs to stop. And I will not unblock him. I need to be strong. The communication I had with him after the break up was not healthy at all, it brought me down to my knees and into the ER desperately seeking him. I love this------->"put yourself first girl! Go out for drinks, get your hair done..anything that will make you feel confident and sexy. Pour all of this energy into yourself because there are a ton of men out there who would want to be with you. There is zero use pushing for a man who has made it clear he does not want you(whether he did in the past or not does not matter!!). Forget about the past, live in the now. What will happen ..will happen. Just don't hold your breath or wait. Who knows. By the time he does reach out or whatever goes on, you may very well have fully moved on by then. Crazy to imagine but it's life. You are clinging to something that will waste your time, energy and emotions. Free yourself from thoughts of the past, or how it could have went differently, and be the best version of yourself you can be." I want to read more of this because this clingy, hold on too hope, etc etc...Just does not help me. Hang in there Crumble, you are not alone in your heartache. We can do this! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wiseman2 Posted November 22, 2016 Share Posted November 22, 2016 Sorry to hear this take care of yourself follow up on your treatment and therapy and go no contact and block him. Look for support from friends, family, support groups, therapy etc. This was a horrible breakup and the whole thing sounds toxic and something to stay away from permanently. It seems you brought the worst out in each other. He threaten to get restraining orders several times so do all you can to block him permanently. Recently, he said in no uncertain terms that he does not want to hear from me anymore, at all. I started lashing out at him over the phone, calling and texting incessantly. He started talking about getting an RO against me. Then last month he began to threaten me again that if I didn't start leaving him alone he would file an RO against me. he blocked me for a week then called me and was SCREAMING at me to leave him alone. I stayed in in patient for several days. I called a bunch. He threatened the RO again. He was furious and no longer willing to tolerate me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crumblebumble Posted November 22, 2016 Author Share Posted November 22, 2016 Yep. But he had done that before, a couple times, and days later wound up at my house. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wiseman2 Posted November 22, 2016 Share Posted November 22, 2016 He's nuts. Block him, go no contact and perhaps actually get a no contact/restraining order against him. Stop the crazy threats and just talk to a therapist about abusive relationships. Get off the crazy train of this abusive relationship, if you ever want to get better. You can't continue to take poison and hope to recover or feel better. But he had done that before, a couple times, and days later wound up at my house. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
reinventmyself Posted November 22, 2016 Share Posted November 22, 2016 Yep. But he had done that before, a couple times, and days later wound up at my house. He may have, but you two didn't have what it took to go the distance apparently. I personally think the odds of reconciliations as a whole are extremely slim. People typically get back together because they want to the pain to stop and not because they are a good, healthy fit for each other. In the end they are still the same two people that have the same exact issues they had previously. Save yourself the grief. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ksol9 Posted November 23, 2016 Share Posted November 23, 2016 Hi there, I've followed this post as well as the other. I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. I know how dehibilitating a breakup can be. My best advice for you is to allow the dust to settle. Let him go. That saying you often hear about letting someone go and if they come back, they're yours..it's so very true. You have to prove to yourself and to him that you will be ok without him. The both of you are entangled in this unhealthy cycle and if nothing changes, nothing changes. The both of you are attached to eachother and if you allow some time to allow the dust to settle, to allow yourself to think more clearly and logically, I can assure you that you both will make your way back to eachother if it is meant to be. Good luck to you and I hope it all works out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SmileyFace123 Posted November 23, 2016 Share Posted November 23, 2016 Of course there are people who get back together after nasty break ups. Anything can happen. I think in order to have a successful reconcialtion certain things have to happen. 1) you must be able to treat the reconciliation as a NEW relationship. You can't bring in the baggage, resentment, and hurt of the old one. This does not happen after say a week. This happens after a long period of time in which both parties can forgive the sins of the past. Time and space heal all wounds. 2) SOMETHING has to change. Whether that is a circumstance, one or both parties. Circumstance could be for example going from a LDR to closer relationship. However, often times it requires one or both parties to change. People on here repeatedly quote an ex is an ex for a reason, well I believe that people can grow and change, but that it probably wont happen overnight which is what we all want to believe. For example if things didn't work out because you were too clingy and needy, you probably won't become more confident and secure TOMORROW, but may so over a period of months and years of personal growth. I found ENA when I was desperate to get my ex back. What actually made me feel better was the "getting back together really happens" thread. While no one can determine if you will or won't get back with your ex, I noticed the similarities in every story was that there was time and space to improve yourself and heal old wounds. In the successful stories they never got their ex back so to speak, they got themselves back and learned from what went wrong and somehow they found their way together again. My point is this, you may or may not get back with him. No one can determine that. However, you can improve your chances by looking at went wrong and learning how to do things better. I guarantee whatever happens you will be better because of it. And hopefully in time, things will work out with your guy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crumblebumble Posted November 26, 2016 Author Share Posted November 26, 2016 Update here: He called me yesterday, after having not heard from him in close to a week... to ask advice on a girl he really likes. I cried, but was a grown up and tried to give him advice. He was nice at the time... but it felt horrible. I'm not sure if I should have told him to go himself right there on the phone, but I wanted to be the bigger person and I do care about him. Will he appreciate it? Probably not. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jmb Posted November 26, 2016 Share Posted November 26, 2016 Kay, thank you for this. I know how you are feeling Crumble, but I'm trying......boy oh boy am I trying. Similar story but diff in the sense that we did not see each other at all since the break up. But I was desperately searching for a light that would indicate that perhaps there would be some sort of clearance and reconcilition in the future. I even had an urge to unblock him a little while ago, too sort of open lines of communication.......just in case he changes his mind. In other words I want to put my self through more pain. Yes, people get back together again and they don't. But, I love how Kaykayxo put it. No more clinging, if it happens it happens, he is my ex for a reason and there was a lot of misery towards the end, I can't and won't forget that. I miss him madly too, but I need to put me first. I can't just hang around wondering will we get back together again, don't get me wrong today I thought about it a lot, but that needs to stop. And I will not unblock him. I need to be strong. The communication I had with him after the break up was not healthy at all, it brought me down to my knees and into the ER desperately seeking him. I love this------->"put yourself first girl! Go out for drinks, get your hair done..anything that will make you feel confident and sexy. Pour all of this energy into yourself because there are a ton of men out there who would want to be with you. There is zero use pushing for a man who has made it clear he does not want you(whether he did in the past or not does not matter!!). Forget about the past, live in the now. What will happen ..will happen. Just don't hold your breath or wait. Who knows. By the time he does reach out or whatever goes on, you may very well have fully moved on by then. Crazy to imagine but it's life. You are clinging to something that will waste your time, energy and emotions. Free yourself from thoughts of the past, or how it could have went differently, and be the best version of yourself you can be." I want to read more of this because this clingy, hold on too hope, etc etc...Just does not help me. Hang in there Crumble, you are not alone in your heartache. We can do this! I thought I'd post my thoughts from a thread I posted...Maybe this will help you a bit... For close to 5 months I have been reading the posts on this site. This is the first time I have created a thread of my own and this is my semi-breif diatribe... To my ex boyfriend who dumped me...Thank you! Thank you a thousand times. For months your decision to leave me destroyed me, it left me debilitated and completely insecure. I finally came to love myself for the first time in my life. I took the destruction you gave me and I built a life with it. I stopped looking out for everyone else in my life who took from me and I began to give to myself again. I was married at 22, a mother at 27, and took the roll of my husbands housewife, nanny, housekeeper, therapist, punching bag, cook, cleaning lady and everything else in between. When I was divorced and I met you I immediately fell right into that roll again, not because you asked me too, but because that was my comfort zone. You allowed me to do it. I tool care of you, leaving myself behind once again. Did I see this at the time? No, not at all. And when you left me, I was once again left wondering where my place in this world was. Well, I found it. I found me. I would have continued to cater to you and what you needed, and continued to stuff my own wants and desires because that was what I thought was the right way to be a good woman. Well, no,not anymore. I have quickly build a career, I take care of myself, I am beautiful inside and out. I am smart, funny, kind, generous, loving and loyal. And yes forgiving. I forgive you, and I am so thankful that you walked out of my life and hitting that rock bottom gave me the drive and confidence to make my life the best it could be for me and my little girl who you also left. I have never been happier and I am single and alone. I finally know what I need and what I deserve. I love you and I will always. You made me laugh and I felt alive with you, until I felt dead. Had we continued to stay together I would have stayed on the path of the caretaker and the doormat. I am finally thankful for you ending us...because I am now me. To all those who are struggling with a breakup...focus on you. I read over and over on theses forums and I thought it was bull...its not. Keep no contact and work on you. Find the person you are alone, work your ass off, be with your friends and family, date, read, prey, smile and laugh. If someone walks out of your life trust in the powers above and know that it is the best thing for you. I still have my moments of sadness, the holidays are going to be tough with the memories. But I am building MY life with my beautiful daughter and we are going to be just fine. Hugs and kisses to all who are struggling...I was there and I am telling you it gets better, I don't really want him back any longer and that is so cathartic. (yes we have spoken in the duration of our break up, we have seen each other a few times and each time it is much easier to walk away with my head held high, I have never asked him to come back and neither has he) By the way I will not send him that little story, it was just me getting it off my chest, he doesn't need to know how well I am doing, it is not about him...it is about me Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wiseman2 Posted November 26, 2016 Share Posted November 26, 2016 Wow, crazy. This why blocking after breakups is so magical.He called me yesterday, after having not heard from him in close to a week..to ask advice on a girl he really likes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ksol9 Posted November 27, 2016 Share Posted November 27, 2016 Ive never blocked after my break up but getting a phone call asking about advice on another woman is a prime example of why you should. I'm wondering why he didn't have any compassion for your feelings? Did he not think this could possibly hurt your feelings because he does know you'd like to reconcile correct? He wants you in his life, but it's up to you to settle for the place he has you in currently. It has been my experience that someone doesn't know what they have until it's gone..until they've lost it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crumblebumble Posted November 30, 2016 Author Share Posted November 30, 2016 And another update.... Several days after having called me, he called again, asking if we could meet for 1 drink. 'Just 1 drink'. He made it sound like a sort of 'truce' meeting. So I meet him there and we're talking. He's telling me about his dating life, and he gets to the girl he likes. I can tell in the way he talks about her how much he likes her, I start to cry a little bit in the bar. He consoled me some and then asked if I wanted to come by his apartment and pick up some things. I say ok. When we get there, he almost immediately starts hitting on me, asking me if casual sex would be possible. I shrugged, telling him I don't really want to be with anyone else. So then we end up sleeping together. Afterwards, during pillow talk, I begin to try and ask him about our relationship, her starts to get stand offish, then about the girl, and he gets raging me mad at me, screaming to get out of his house and shouting 'This was the biggest mistake of my life. I should have gotten an RO.' Imagine hearing that while you're laying naked in bed. I start to get up and and he says 'You can shut up and go to sleep, you can leave, or I can call security and have them make you leave'. At this point I'm crying, and then he starts to apologize, I told him to f*ck off. He starts telling me our friends can't know about this. I told him I'll talk to whomever I damn well chose about my personal life. Then he bribes me. Then he threatens me with revenge porn. Then He records me on his phone saying 'I'll talk about my personal life if I choose'. We went round and round and round with him begging me not to talk to friends about it. Then him telling me how lucky he would be to have this new girl, how she was an upgrade, etc. I felt like I was breaking on the inside listening to this. Watching him treat me this way, talk to me like this, after having used me again. I told him I had to go, he insisted on walking me home. He tried to hold my hand, then when he left he told me he loved me. The next day he begged me again not to repeat what had happened. I gave him the same response 'My personal life is mine to discuss. As is yours.' He said he didn't want work related friends to think he was 'evil' or anything. He said it would effect his reputation. He kept pretending to be friendly, saying how important I was to him, etc. Eventually I told him 'Look, you want to make things work with me, then do it. Otherwise, I'm your ex, I am angry, and I'll talk about whatever I please.' To which he responded with 'You just blackmailed me! I've printed out all your FB messages, texts, and batched out your voicemails. If I find you are talking sh*t on me, I'll take you to court.' Then he blocked me. Then I took quite a few anti-anxiety meds, drank a bottle of wine and cried for hours. I feel like I am beyond repair as a human being. I no longer know what to do. I have to start a new job next week and my depressed has gotten so bad I'm considering not showing up and going on disability, a suggestion by my psychiatrist. All I can keep asking myself is 'why is he treating me this way? How could he do this? How could he threaten me in one week and sleep with me the next?' Help. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boltnrun Posted November 30, 2016 Share Posted November 30, 2016 The real question is "why do you keep allowing yourself to be treated this way?" Don't you love yourself? At all? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wiseman2 Posted November 30, 2016 Share Posted November 30, 2016 You need to block and go no contact and step away from this volatile madness..He's telling me about his dating life, and he gets to the girl he likes. he almost immediately starts hitting on me, asking me if casual sex would be possible.we end up sleeping together. Afterwards he gets raging me mad at me, screaming to get out of his house and shouting 'This was the biggest mistake of my life. I should have gotten an RO.' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
reinventmyself Posted November 30, 2016 Share Posted November 30, 2016 All I can keep asking myself is 'why is he treating me this way? How could he do this? How could he threaten me in one week and sleep with me the next?' Help. First off. . If I could hug you, I would. Consider yourself hugged. He treated you this way because you let him, Hon. Why on earth did you go home with a man who is confiding in you about other women? This guy is a monster. You need to see it for what it is and care enough about yourself to steer clear of monsters - Not go home and sleep with them. Take your time and gather yourself together. As bad as it may seem this moment, by next week it will be a little bit better. You need to start this job and start putting one foot in front of the other. AND under no uncertain terms do you ever have contact with him again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MissCanuck Posted November 30, 2016 Share Posted November 30, 2016 He does it because you're letting him. He is using you. Enough is enough. Block him, forever. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crumblebumble Posted November 30, 2016 Author Share Posted November 30, 2016 Because I always hope he's changed his mind. That he's coming back around and realizing what he lost. I miss him so so much that anytime he acknowledges me I can't help be be hopeful. He's doing so well, telling me about how he's been promoted to COO, his huge raise, how everything's great... and all I can think about about is how I can barely get out of bed anymore. I just quit another freelance job because I can't focus on work due to crying, I work in a creative, highly technical field so I have to be able to be there 100% or it's not happening. Right now it's not happening. A very rotten part of me wants to tell everyone I've ever met what he's done, because I feel he deserves no consideration or discretion after having treated me so terribly. But he's slandered me to the point where I think very little I say has any weight. I cannot imagine being happy again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boltnrun Posted November 30, 2016 Share Posted November 30, 2016 You will NOT be "happy again" as long as you allow this guy to stay in your life. As long as you keep leaping every time he gives you the slightest bit of attention, you will never find peace. The person who hurts you is NOT the right person to make you feel better. Ever. I promise if you get him out of your life and keep him out of it, you'll start to get better. It was amazing how the horrible, debilitating anxiety I suffered went away as soon as my ex was out of my life. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
reinventmyself Posted December 1, 2016 Share Posted December 1, 2016 Just know when a man is telling you about other women he is indirectly telling where you stand. For him to go on about it, he was telling you that he has demoted you to a friend. A friend with benefits if you allowed it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boltnrun Posted December 1, 2016 Share Posted December 1, 2016 I don't know, if any of my "friends" treated me that way they sure wouldn't be my friend anymore. I think the OP has been demoted to verbal punching bag and sex toy. And that sure isn't a nice way to treat someone. OP, please understand that this guy will NEVER treat you with loving care. He seems to enjoy seeing you cry and get upset over his treatment of you. And he certainly doesn't treat you with anything resembling respect. Please stop looking to him to make you feel better, because he won't. He will only make you feel worse. And BTW, he says "I love you" just so you will keep giving him sex and attention. Not because he truly loves you and wants to be with you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ms Darcy Posted December 2, 2016 Share Posted December 2, 2016 He has no interest in a relationship with you. Just casual sex every once in a while. I don't know why you would even want him back. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crumblebumble Posted December 21, 2016 Author Share Posted December 21, 2016 Update: After going no contact for a bit, he starts texting me while on a business trip to Korea. Sending me pictures and stuff. All at 3 AM. I don't respond, because I'm asleep. So he emails me to ask if I'm blocking him...then he facebooks me to ask the same. I wake up to all this and ask him if everything is allright because he contacted me 3 separate ways int he middle of the night. He yells at me saying 'I'm fine. Leave me alone!' then blocks me again. At this point, I've f*cking had it with the back and forth. And ask him 'Do you want to try again or not? You keep sleeping with me, then shutting me down and telling me to go away, and then you text/fcaebook/AND EMAIL in the middle of the night! What the hell are you doing?' He won't give me an upfront answer, we go back and forth through email, which apparently he makes his work colleagues aware of. When he comes back from Korea he calls me to tell me how I have made reconciliation completely impossible, his entire company knows I am 'harassing' him, and how he would never get back with me ever again. He then says he's going to file and RO. I call him on his bluff, because he's said it 5 times in 6 months, and he says 'Look, just respect the RO..and when it's done, we'll see how we feel.' As I hear this my jaw is on the floor. Did this man just tell me he's gonna serve me, then get back together with me. He also says 'If you had just behaved, we would have gotten back together by now'. Several days go by and call him to collect the rest of my belongings form his house, during which I beg him to please stop this madness. He screams at me, calling me a 'Stupid f*cking c*nt' and treats me terribly as I stand there with my things crying. Yesterday I wake up to a pounding on my door, I've been served. I don't go into work, and spend the day crying and feeling like I'm falling apart. I start to consult lawyers, all of which wholeheartedly agree he hasn't a leg to stand on considering he would ask me to go away, but then reinstate contact. The court date is on my birthday, no less. I feel very confident it will get thrown out. And here's the reason why No contact is so important. Break ups turn us into people we don't recognize. Cut the cord before it becomes this toxic, for anyone reading this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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