Good morning/good night texts in LDR. Feeling confused and suspicious.

[zeino]

Hello everyone,

 

I want to write about something that's bothering me although I cannot exactly put a name on to this. I hope your comments will help me understand what exactly my issue can be beneath the surface and I also would like to receive your comments on the relationship behaviour of the brave new digital world. I'm in a LDR and this is my first committed relationship after my divorce and I think I suck in this internet thing. I think this will be a novel here as I have difficulty summarizing this problem and I need every piece of advice I can get.

 

So, my problem. My boyfriend used to send me good morning and good night messages EVERY morning and night. Then one day they stopped. OK. Honeymoon phase is over. Glad that he feels he can relax more with me - if this is the case. I have no problems with initiating this kind of stuff mutually and don't have to receive a good morning message every morning.

 

To be honest, I even didn't know that there is something like this in relationships. (I was a mobile phone hater before him and was married for 12 years. I'm still a mobile phone hater but of course am behaving much better than my normal self because we are in a LDR - I actually carry my phone with me nowadays.)

 

So when he sent me good morning and good night texts every day for more than two months, I was nicely surprised. He wakes up before me so I couldn't initiate the good morning thing myself but started sending good night texts myself. basically, he introduced me to this pleasant thing and I happily joined in.

 

And then he stopped Abruptly. Then he had a short depressive period where he stopped communicating for a very brief period. I pulled back and waited and when he came out of it, he apologized for neglecting me and we went back to our usual rate of communication. More or less. But the good morning and good night thing stopped - on his side. Also, I told him that when someone pulls back (or ignores) at this phase of a relationship, I don't tend to chase but if he is not always aware that he is doing it because of his condition, I could take this differently and ask if he is OK moodwise. He said this would be good.

 

I asked him how he interpreted our dynamic when we were physically together soon after this and then it became kind of weird, even painfully funny if there is such a thing. My boyfriend has alexityhmic traits, so he cannot identify his feelings, cannot read emotional messages correctly all the time - may perceive them just as information and being with him may feel like dating Data from Star Trek sometimes. However, I feel happy and loved and considered a lot when I'm with him and in my experience, he is more emotional and romantic than many of my past partners although I'm sure he would drop dead if he heard this. (I actually told him and he was mortified The topic of alexithymia came up when I asked him to explain why he did some very inconsiderate things on whatsapp. I am now voicing my emotional needs more clearly without relying on an ability that he doesn't have and it's going well for now. However, this is a new relationships and I'm still observing certain things as there are questions in my head and I hope in time, I will have better answers.

 

As for this good morning and good night thing. When I asked him what was happening with our good morning/good night thing, the answer I received was more than absurd (in my understanding.) I still don't know if this was the alexithymic info sharing that felt inconsiderate and emotionless to me or if someone has other issues that puts him in a power fight with me (triangulating with friends.) We had another incident that gave me the same feeling and if something else happens, I feel I may be out of the door pretty soon. So, when I asked him what was going on, he said something about forgetfulness and then "Oh, I have a group of friends and I send them a good morning message every morning." ?????????????????????????? So I said, (and smilingly because it felt so out of order that it was funny) "So you are saying you send good morning texts to a group of friends but you forget sending them to me?" And he then said that message in his native language and my message is different but he must find out how or why he forgot me. (and yes, he has forgetfulness issues). I told him to please share the answer with me when he finds it and then codependently (I think) filled a gap fpr him by commenting that maybe our honeymoon phase is over and it's OK. (False, this isn't about it, what was I doing, argh!) Then I was told that only I get the good night text, which doesn't exist anymore so thank you really!

 

So, basically, I partly feel like I have been conditioned for something, that thing has been pulled back from me (destabilization), the explanation made me feel worthless in comparison to his friends in a wonderful way (I will only accept this explanation if it's a weirdness of alexithymia. Other than that factual info sharing thing, there is no need to compare new girlfriends/boyfriends and long time friends. I have them, too and they are actually closer friends than my boyfriend describes his but I never make him feel secondary to them. They are not comparable. Likewise, I'm not and don't want to accept treatment as such.) But the good night message was mine (!!!) and now that one is gone, too.

 

On top of it, when he doesn't respond much (but doesn't sound very depressive) and then when I don't chase in return, he comes closer and apologizes for not answering or saying goodnight and then that very night, he doesn't say goodnight?????

 

I'm completely ready to let go of this good morning/good night thing. But I want to make sense of this inconsistent behaviour because confusion often hints at me that someone is either playing mindgames with me or is trying to destabilize me awarely/unawarely. If he is all to innocent to apologize for something and then unable to follow up that night, I think that's pretty bad, too.

 

So, what do you make of all this? What would you do? I'm torn between bringing this up again (but I want to have a definite request and I don't even know what that is) or making my mind about this on my own. I'm trying to be positive but have started feeling like dismissing all this - my attachment style is secure but my dismissiveness increases when I'm unhappy with something, it's my survival behaviour I think.

 

Any help, any comment, anything will be appreciated. Thank you for reading a long post.

[Wiseman2]

I would call it obtuse, a language/cultural differential, but not alexityhmic. He may send a mass text in his native language to friends, however as his gf, he may differentiate that kind of nonsense text from more meaningful communication with you.

 

It depends on your overall communication style. How one communicates with their friends or family or gf may not be a package deal where everyone gets the same thing.

[j.man]

I mean, LDR or not, I think if the strength of your relationship's foundation lies with good morning / good night texts and whatsapp behavior, I'm not sure there's much in store in terms of longevity.

 

I'm not sure where all the alexithymia stuff comes from... I think you're just overthinking the fact the guy isn't all that interested in putting in the effort anymore.

 

It appears to me you're experiencing a couple of the biggest obstacles that come with LDRs.

 

1) The propensity to set arbitrary benchmarks in lieu of physical, in-person interaction

2) That the infatuation and novelty tend to die off as quickly as they set in

 

I do think that, ultimately, your instinct to cut your losses is your brain looking out for you. It's not that you suck at this internet thing. It's that this internet thing sucks.

[zeino]

Wiseman,

Thank you for this reply that says so much so succintly.

 

Thank you for introducing the word "obtuse", it surely helps. I agree with you that someone who sends a copy and paste good morning text to friends doesn't have to send one to his girlfriend. As a girlfriend, from my perspective, I too would prefer more meaningful texts to automatic good morning messages but also would like to know what he thinks about what he is doing or what he is telling me if this kind of consistent greeting is his way of showing appreciation and value. What I don't like is his answer "I send messages to my friends, I must find out why I forgot with you." In what way, in your opinion, could this answer be a cultural thing, a difference? And something in me warns me when he speaks about himself like a robot "I must find out why I forgot." In a way (but I'm not sure how) this sounds so neutral, so objective about one's self that it also sounds like erasing all responsibility and accountability. (Approaching oneself as if they were someone else). Alexythmic, narcissistic, something in me says I must be very careful despite the wonderful time we have when we are together and agree on many things like values etc.

 

I alo don't like how I asked a question and then provided an answer myself - the honeymoon phase. So far, he hasn't mentioned finding any answer per his forgetfulness. Do you think I should mention this?

 

My problem right now is almost wishing for some more behaviour like this so I can call quits, which is immature of course. I mean at worst, I will share this feeling with him and leave it there. But I don't like this dismissiveness in me right now and for my growth, I would like to come up with something more positive. What do you think I could do for my own growth? Any idea will be appreciated.

[zeino]

I mean, LDR or not, I think if the strength of your relationship's foundation lies with good morning / good night texts and whatsapp behavior, I'm not sure there's much in store in terms of longevity.

 

I'm not sure where all the alexithymia stuff comes from... I think you're just overthinking the fact the guy isn't all that interested in putting in the effort anymore.

 

It appears to me you're experiencing a couple of the biggest obstacles that come with LDRs.

 

1) The propensity to set arbitrary benchmarks in lieu of physical, in-person interaction

2) That the infatuation and novelty tend to die off as quickly as they set in

 

I do think that, ultimately, your instinct to cut your losses is your brain looking out for you. It's not that you suck at this internet thing. It's that this internet thing sucks.

 

j.man,

 

The strength of our relationship's foundation does not lie with good morning or good night texts (for me at least). I'm actually an introvert, can go without communication with my loved ones for a very long time and this will not affect how I feel about them. I also think whatsapp is not a nice application because it shows when someone was online and offline etc, which feels like involuntary policing to me. Nowadays, I'm also kind of painfully discovering that no matter how much of a libertarian I feel like, I am noticing when he was online, offline etc and I'm not liking these tendencies in myself. Actually, I would like to find another application which doesn't share this kind of stuff but would like to do it at a time when I'm not so charged about this communication stuff. Simply because, it's not whatssap, it's us and if I don't like something online, I still like to make meaning of it. That's what's happening. There is something that makes me uneasy here and the fact that it is meaningless online behaviour doesn't change this. It's more about his pattern and explanations and how they made me uncomfortable. It could have been about anything.

 

Alexithymia is the correct diagnosis. It is also backed by his counsellor. You are right in the sense that this is no excuse for not putting up the effort, neither is depression or anything else. If someone chooses to be in a relationship, it is their responsibility to manage their condition and it's effects on the relationship. I mentioned alexithymia to make meaning of the (to me) strange answer about how he texts his friends goodmorning as a reply to my question about why he isn't texting me good morning/good night anymore. In your understanding, why does a person gives that reply? What is the motivation there? To tell me that I don't matter as much? Or what?

 

You are very right that lack of in-person interaction makes us look at weird things. We develop these weird criteria. I still think that consideration and inconsideration knows no limits regardless of the medium. My online behaviour is not the best, either. But I speak to my partner about this, get his feedback and then am able to follow up with what we talked about. I don't care about the online thing, but I care about how we solve our problems. Online or offline.

 

I wasn't infatuated with him online. And I really don't like the LDR. I agreed to do this with him because I like him a lot in real life and would like to experience life with him when we can create conditions to come together if we can. I have a time limit on this. He actually puts up a lot of effort to create the conditions so that we can come together. I don't know how sustainable this would be and am not very hopeful sometimes but am giving it a go for now.

[DancingFool]

In my opinion you are making a giant mountain out of nothing and have become excessively fixated on that.

 

The whole gm/gn text thing might be cute for a bit, but you can't seriously expect anyone to sustain that indefinitely and forever. At some point you will in fact forget or simply not feel like doing it simply because it gets old. It's not a reflection on your relationship or the level of care, it's only a reflection of the fact that the guy is human. His explanation was actually exactly that - I'm human, I forget. What he didn't tell you that would have been more harsh is that it's simply gotten old. He filtered that one out for your sake, but really....that's exactly what it is and you can't really blame him for that. After 2 months I'd get tired of getting them let alone sending them, but then again, I'd never send them in the first place and will actively shut it down.

 

On your end, you've taken a cutesy, but completely meaningless gesture, attached some kind of meaning to it and now that the gesture is not being carried out, you are freaking out. However, this is on you to get away from assigning meaning to meaningless gestures.

[Wiseman2]

Yes absolutely, it can get as meaningless as robocalls. While alexithymia is present it doesn't mean it explains everything, so try to see it as a one on one interaction.

 

Wording such as "I must find out why I forgot with you" sounds like the topic was brought up but he is stalling and embarrassed. It may also be an idiomatic term which does not translate well.

 

The most concerning thing is hoping he does worse stuff so you can justify ending it. To be honest LDRs are frustrating, even as being as articulate and multilingual as you are. It's not immature at all to notice difficulties and start deciding if the hassles outweigh the rewards, it's a natural human decision path.

My problem right now is almost wishing for some more behaviour like this so I can call quits. But I don't like this dismissiveness in me right now and for my growth, I would like to come up with something more positive.

[zeino]

In my opinion you are making a giant mountain out of nothing and have become excessively fixated on that.

 

The whole gm/gn text thing might be cute for a bit, but you can't seriously expect anyone to sustain that indefinitely and forever. At some point you will in fact forget or simply not feel like doing it simply because it gets old. It's not a reflection on your relationship or the level of care, it's only a reflection of the fact that the guy is human. His explanation was actually exactly that - I'm human, I forget. What he didn't tell you that would have been more harsh is that it's simply gotten old. He filtered that one out for your sake, but really....that's exactly what it is and you can't really blame him for that. After 2 months I'd get tired of getting them let alone sending them, but then again, I'd never send them in the first place and will actively shut it down.

 

On your end, you've taken a cutesy, but completely meaningless gesture, attached some kind of meaning to it and now that the gesture is not being carried out, you are freaking out. However, this is on you to get away from assigning meaning to meaningless gestures.

 

DancingFool, you are right I fixated on this - to my credit, not excessively though I think.

 

In around one week, my boyfriend left in the middle of the conversation more than three times, did not even return to say good night even though he was online, forgot one scheduled Skype meeting as I was writing my original post here (yes, I sat down and checked entire communication for a week.) I know it's human to forget. I also think it is his responsibility to manage his forgetfulness (he is aware of it and is troubled by it) if he wants to be in a relationship with me nevertheless. He can use a reminder on his phone or something. I'm forgetful, live with it is not something I wish to accept (at my boyfriend's level of forgetfulness, especially when he is playing computer games non-stop.)

 

Reading your comments and writing back has helped me to come closer to myself, so I want to thank you and everyone else. Things I found out:

 

I'm angry because I actually don't like whatssap myself and am conscious of my bad online communication habits (inaccessibility most of the time etc) until I become really good friends with someone and they don't mind. I'm trying to do better so maybe I'm focusing too much on doing the right thing and when I feel that this is not reciprocated, I feel angry. I offered a solution for this in the talk we had yesterday. And I will not force myself to this degree with this communication thing.

 

I have other communication needs, just small talk doesn't satisfy me at all. We had talked about this before, now we will take action.

 

I sense people pleaser tendencies in my boyfriend sometimes (or something akin to behaviour of people pleasers I had in my life before.) No matter how good intentioned, I feel more comfortable with people who voice their needs directly and also don't have resentments. I am sensitive about this as I have been badly burnt before and I also find this rather controlling. Together with my pleasing tendency above this can turn into a silly dynamic where we are forcing ourselves to do things about imaginary needs.

 

So yes, we had a talk and I will write about that one, too.

 

Thank you again.

[tln72]

I think bottom line is, your needs will not be met in this relationship. I think if you continue, you will be frustrated. Look at this as a learning experience. You are learning what your needs are and what is important to you in a relationship. Be true to yourself. This is no reflection on him or you doing anything wrong. This is about you knowing and learning what you need from a partner.

[zeino]

So, my update:

 

Our solutions: No more whatssap after 8 o'clock, it is to be used only for small talk during the day if we feel like it. Advantage: Whatssap goes back to the relatively meaningless place it belongs to. Disadvantage: I may lose the good night text which I like, but it is OK I think. If we miss it, we can bring it back anyway.

 

More Skype: better quality talk. (This is where I really find myboyfriend attractive.) Quality time at arranged hours so we don't feel obliged to please each other and respond just for the sake of responding. We focus only on each other during this time.

 

Boundaries about his difficult friend established, I feel greatly supported in my heart-to-heart.

 

Avoidant solutions in a private issue replaced with a mutually satisfactory solution.

 

He agrees that forgetfulness is his issue to manage. I feel that I also did a good job mentioning that he shouldn't feel obliged to respond to me if he is playing computer games. I'm OK with him telling that he is busy and respect how he chooses to spend his time without judging this computer game stuff.

 

I also told him that reminding someone about myself is not something I would like to do as this clashes with my self-respect or value and we even tried a bit of empathy

 

I like these new solutions and my boundaries. If they are crossed, I will take action even if I don't like it 100%.

 

Thank you all for your support.

 

P.S. Tln72, you are right, if there is something more problematic here, I will definitely be frustrated if I keep myself in this situation. But I will not do that to myself. I feel relaxed in the sense that I made certain things clear and we established these boundaries together. If he crosses them to a degree that I think he is either passive aggressive or truly uncaring or something, I can end it there and then. I believe I have done my best and it is up to both of us now to follow through.

[Wiseman2]

"Living with the Passive-Aggressive Man", by Scott Wetzler, PhD may have some tips on dealing with some of his forgetfulness and other behaviors.

 

In psychology, passive-aggressive behavior is characterized by a habitual pattern of passive resistance to expected work requirements, opposition, sullenness, stubbornness, and negative attitudes in response to requirements for normal performance levels expected of others. Most frequently it occurs in the workplace where resistance is exhibited by such indirect behaviors as procrastination, forgetfulness and purposeful inefficiency, especially in interpersonal contexts.

 

Behaviors: Learned helplessness, procrastination, stubbornness, resentment, sullenness, or deliberate/repeated failure to accomplish requested tasks for which one is (often explicitly) responsible. Other examples of passive-aggressive behavior might include avoiding direct or clear communication, evading problems, fear of intimacy or competition, making excuses, blaming others, obstructionism, playing the victim, feigning compliance with requests, sarcasm, backhanded compliments, and hiding anger.

[zeino]

"Living with the Passive-Aggressive Man", by Scott Wetzler, PhD may have some tips on dealing with some of his forgetfulness and other behaviors.

 

In psychology, passive-aggressive behavior is characterized by a habitual pattern of passive resistance to expected work requirements, opposition, sullenness, stubbornness, and negative attitudes in response to requirements for normal performance levels expected of others. Most frequently it occurs in the workplace where resistance is exhibited by such indirect behaviors as procrastination, forgetfulness and purposeful inefficiency, especially in interpersonal contexts.

 

Behaviors: Learned helplessness, procrastination, stubbornness, resentment, sullenness, or deliberate/repeated failure to accomplish requested tasks for which one is (often explicitly) responsible. Other examples of passive-aggressive behavior might include avoiding direct or clear communication, evading problems, fear of intimacy or competition, making excuses, blaming others, obstructionism, playing the victim, feigning compliance with requests, sarcasm, backhanded compliments, and hiding anger.

 

Oh yes Wiseman, that book is a life saver! Thank you for mentioning it, I appreciate it. I think this is why I can get triggered sometimes. I was the audience of that book.