Dear Jamie

[Roselynn1]

I lied to you Jamie. When I responded that I wasn’t home, that was a lie. I didn’t want to see you. Really getting tired of this hot/cold s--- you’re on – that we’re on. Cuz to be honest, I’m on it too. Seems like one day is never like the next… You’d have come over last night and we’d be sitting there talking about irrelevant stuff ignoring the elephant in the room. She could be in the middle of the room twirling in a pink tutu and we’re both just gonna talk around her like she ain’t there. That’s what we do – avoid the issue. We don’t communicate. Neither one of us trust the other enough to really be open, to be vulnerable. Just recently you said when you’re back from your trip you want us to talk. I didn’t bother responding cuz I know you. I know there wouldn’t be a talk… And here we are over a week later and this big talk hasn’t been mentioned again. I’ll never mention it. This is all on you babe. That day we had that heated discussion, I said I need a-b-c from you and you said well I need x-y-z. Then you said, ”…this is why things are like this – neither of us will budge. I’m a rock”. Yes, you are. And that’s the problem right there… I’m losing you because I won’t change – I can’t. You’re a rock, you’re not going to budge. And this also means you’re never going to be where I need you to be. I see that now. If you were, I’d meet you half way – that I promise you. But more and more it’s looking like you’re never gonna get there. Drifting further and further away… I feel it. That vision of love held on to all these years, is slowly fading. Can’t see it so clearly anymore… We’re almost at the end babe.

[Roselynn1]

How can you heal you, if you can't even tell the truth to yourself? -- daeizm

 

Needed to see this today. These words are everything right now. Learn to see things how they are and not how you want them to be. Facts/actions are the only things to be considered. Leave emotions out of it. Be a "rock".

[Roselynn1]

You know how you’re always saying “you’re too emotional” well I’ve taken all of the emotions out of this situation and looking at it like I’m a rock. Yeah babe, now i'm a rock too. And me being the cold hard rock that I am, you know what I see, I see you and how full of s--- you are. Yeah, babe I see it all.

 

Just recently, Stacey referred to you as full-of-s--- Jamie. Didn’t like her saying it but I couldn’t defend you from that. Cuz I can see so clearly how full of it you are. Actually, you know when I really saw it? It’s when over the holidays I was repeating to Stacey some BS you told me. And as I said it, I started to feel stupid. It sounded like BS to my own ears. And you know how you’re telling someone something and they don’t really agree but since you’ve convinced yourself of it they just go along with it so as to not hurt your feelings, but their voice doesn’t have that conviction that backs up their agreement? Yeah, that’s what she sounded like. And I started to feel really small – like a damn fool. So when she refers to you as FOS Jamie, I know where she’s coming from. You even know it. That’s why when I said I wanted you to meet her you jokingly said “no, she might try to punch me in my face.” That spoke volumes. I shouldn’t have introduced you. You weren’t the fun, out-going, funny guy you usually are. You even apologized to her blaming it on being tired. But I could see how uncomfortable you were. That’s the one thing about you Jamie. You’re not going to fake the funk. You’re not going to get around folks faking when you know you’re not right. That’s one of the things I like about you. You’ve always been that way. Reminds me of back when we were kids and I asked you to come to a family function with me. You went cuz I wanted you to but you were clearly uncomfortable. I was so happy to have you with me. And you looked so handsome in your new suit. That was the first time bringing a guy to a family event – so it was a big deal. But you didn’t stay. You didn’t feel comfortable. “You know everything I’m dealing with. I just don’t feel right being here. Not like this. I feel fake.” I wanted you to stay but you left. And to be honest you were right to leave then. And you’re right to stay away, now. Cuz you know you’re not acting right Jamie. And you’re right – you need to get punched in the face.

 

I was up most of the night thinking about stuff. So you’re gonna hear some stuff today… today is the day for stuff!

[Roselynn1]

I spent most of the night up. My mind was so restless, jumping from one thing to the next. And you know what all this stuff amounts to? A bunch of BS. That’s what this has been the whole time. When you take the emotions away and become an unemotional rock, you can see things in a whole new light. You see the wasted time for what it really is… BS. I should have walked away a long time ago. But I kept trying to make it work for love… It’s been so many years and so many things have happen. Not going to rehash the past, what’s done is done and to keep bringing up all that old stuff is pointless at this point.

 

You know what J said when I spoke with him? He said “Leave all that old s--- in the past. Really get to know each other. You’ve both grown up; you’re different people now. Ya’ll have to go into this like you don’t have a past. Make it refresh and new.” J dropping the truth – nothing but facts right there! He kinda shocked me with that, but he’s 100% right. We never did that. And at this point, we’ve both held on to so much of that stuff that it’s going to take a lot more talking to really put it to rest and be done with what has happened before. Honestly, I’m finally over it. It’s taken a really long time but I’m done with all that. But you’re wrestling with your issues. You said it’s hard for you to get over. Okay, I get it. But that’s something you’ll need to work out on your own. I can’t help you with that. So let’s look at the more recent stuff.

 

It’s been rocky from jump. We kept bumping heads on dumb stuff. Remember when Ed said it wouldn’t work cuz we’re both alphas? And I was so offended saying no I’m sweet, I’m nice. Yeah, but I’m also an alpha; I’ll own that now. He was right; we both have strong personalities. We’re going to clash especially if we’re not on the same page. And that right there is where the truth lies. We’re not on the same path, we want different things. Putting all the emotions, that's kept me so blind for so long, aside - it's all so clear now. I see what you want. Where you want to be, where you're trying to go. And I knew you’d want that – I told you, you would. We talked about it. I just didn’t realize it would be this hard to deal with. Being OK with what you want meant putting aside my wants and needs and all the while being unsure that somewhere down the line I’m gonna get what I want. That someday I’ll get my “one day”. And how do you go into something being so unsure? No reassurance, just taking a gamble… But most importantly, I forgot, I’m no risk taker – I play it safe.

 

I said I should have walked away a long time ago. But do you know when last year was the 1st time? At that party in April – the one Prank Call girl was at. I note her just to do so – not because she has any relevance to my story. I’m sure she plays an interesting role in yours – who knows, she may even have her own story to tell – but in this story, right here, she’s irrelevant. Sooo, I remember how insignificant I felt that day. You purposely excluded me from everything. This is your first… Your big moment... The day for friends, family and supporters to show love… And you tried to leave me out. You didn’t want me there. Do you know how much that hurt? Do you know how detached from you and everything I felt? That was the first sign that something was seriously wrong – with us. Yeah, we’ve bumped heads before but I understood the reason behind those clashes. Those issues were to be expected. But this right here, this was on a whole other level. This one sorta blindsided me. I stood there so proud of everything you’ve accomplished, happy that everything came together so nicely and knowing this is only the beginning of so many wonderful things for you. Yet I felt unwanted, rejected, felt like an outsider, like I didn’t belong. That’s some stuff that really messed with my head for a while. In the end, everything turned out OK you were happy I was there. But by the time you came around my heart was already bruised. You explained yourself and I guess it some ways it makes sense. The flowers and compliments were nice but the damage was already done… I saw how easy it was for you to shut me out. To want to experience a happy moment that didn’t include me – like your happiness doesn’t involve me. That hurt. I can’t wrap my mind around how love fits into that scenario. To me, love means sharing good times with someone special. Anything else doesn’t make sense a lot of sense. And you know what they say, if it doesn’t make sense, it usually isn’t true. So yeah, that hurt – deep.

 

There’s more stuff babe. More stuff that I need to tell you about. But I’m gonna need a break right now.

[Roselynn1]

You know, I had so much more to say. Was gonna run it down from some of the stuff that happened after the party to what happened in July, but what's the point? Stacey called it... You are so damn full of it. You really had me going there for minute. But it's all good. I'm over this BS. Cuz in the grand scheme of things, that's what this is - BS.

 

It's so easy to get off track, lose focus of what's important and start sweating the little things. Got a brief flashback of years past and realized that when it comes down to it, this is all so insignificant. You know what matters and had an impact on me? Those months spent in rehab trying to get my life back together again. Learning how to walk again, facing the challenges of going down the stairs without fear, being home alone not fully recovered and not being able to move quick enough to put out a small flame that got started by accident. Panicking as the flames got bigger...Finally getting the situation under control and laying on the floor crying from feeling so helpless, alone and frustrated. Mentally preparing myself for several surgeries. Reading horror stories online of folks who never recovered from their surgery, years in a coma, laying around like a vegetable. Being cut open, tubes, cameras, dyes being run thru my body. For the first time in my life having a panick attack, feeling like I'm suffocating, fighting to get loose for some fresh air and get out of this machine I've been stuffed into for an MRI. When I think about going thru tough times, that's what comes to mind. This right here, ain't nothing. I got this. Time to re-wire that brain, focus, change paths. It's all about that positive energy now.

 

No love, I will not stress over you. I will not. It stops right now. I could walk, I could hold my balance on one leg, I could even close my eyes and run down the stairs if I wanted - no fear, no rails! I could think, I could use my brain, I could drive myself around. All those precious things I thought I lost, thought I'd never have again, I have. I could do all those things. I've been blessed. Life is good. I have no worries Jamie. This is going to be a good year. I'm good, so good. And I'm gonna sleep real good tonight babe. Real good.

[Roselynn1]

The difference between your mind and your heart is that your mind tells you what's smart and your heart tells you what you are going to do anyway.

 

And that's the problem...

[Roselynn1]

Letting go is hard. And not trying to diss babe, but it’s not cuz being without you is losing the best part of my life. Truth be told – we needed a lot of work to bring it to where it needed to be. So it’s less about you and more about me. Because sometimes the worst part of breaking up is feeling like a reject. Feeling like you weren’t worthy of being loved, like you weren’t enough, feeling like you did something wrong or didn’t do enough. That’s the hardest part of breaking up. It hits you hard and messes with your head – big time.

 

Then there’s the fear. Feeling like you’re never going to meet anyone else, so you try and hold on to a broken relationship cuz you don’t have faith and you believe this is as good as it’s going to get. So you hold on even tighter… Desperately trying to fix things, trying to put the pieces back together. But sometimes it’s like a shattered glass – broken pieces everywhere – how do you put that back together again? Broken pieces so tiny that they’ll never fit back to how it used to be. And if by some miracle you push thru and find every last shard and fit them all back together to how it was, what are you really left with? Something broken. Now you’ve got something with a million cracks in it. Something that’s put back together when it shouldn’t have been cuz everything broken isn’t meant to be fixed. Sometimes you need to get yourself something new – something shiny, something beautiful, something with no blemishes or cracks. Let go and get yourself something new cuz that’s what you deserve.

[Roselynn1]

God, grant me the SERENITY to accept the things

I cannot change; the COURAGE to change the things I can;

and the WISDOM to know the difference.

 

Serenity: I need peace in my life. I have never felt at peace with you. Always held back and couldn't give my all, could never totally let go... Cuz something never felt right. There was always a disconnect.... You weren't giving me all that you could. I can't make you give me what I need. I can't manipulate the situation to get the outcome I want. I'm ashamed to say that I've tried, but the results are short term and not satisfying. There is nothing I could do. It's on you J. They say, when a man loves a woman, nothing can keep him away. And when he doesn't, nothing will make him stay. Need to pay heed to that.

 

Courage: Finally letting go of that "some day" that I've held on to for way too long. Slowly realizing, it will never happen. And let go of the fairytale romance I've created in my head and see the reality of how things actually are. The only thing I have control over in this situation is myself. Need to let go of things that don't bring happiness. And seek the things that will.

 

Wisdom: I'm going to be strong and smart enough to know to remove myself from a situation that isn't making me happy. I need to stop making excuses for you. Stop justifying things in the name of LOVE. Cuz thats not what this is. When you know better, you do better.

[Roselynn1]

I feel OK Jamie. No, I actually feel great! It’s a beautiful day, sun is shining, I’m healthy, I have good people in my life and most of the things I need. I’m blessed. I have so much to be thankful for. Unfortunately, in dealing with daily nuisances it's something that’s easily overlooked. GRATITUDE. I want to practice starting my day with a grateful heart. I think it will help with staying centered and more optimistic.

 

Today, I woke up energized and happy. While walking to work a man smiled and said "good morning" and I actually smiled back. Not that fake smile that’s reserved for strangers but a real genuine smile. And I thought to myself "you know what? It’s gonna be alright.” And that’s important because just two days ago, I was kind of down so it feels good to feel good. It’s a beautiful thing.

[rtyu4567]

That's awesome Ros!! I love those genuine moments.

[Roselynn1]

That's awesome Ros!! I love those genuine moments.

 

Yes! It feels so good to be away from that dark place and to finally start seeing the light again. Honestly speaking this break up was needed. It's given me a chance to see things as they are and to take him off this pedestal I had him on. I really don't have a great need to "talk to him" anymore like I did when I started this journal. Now it's more of a healing journal instead of somewhere to express pain. Funny, he called the other day and said "I haven't really heard from you. I know we talked last week but I thought I'd hear from you again." So, I see he really doesn't get where this is going. its all good cuz time reveals everything. Still have moments every now and again but I think they're more about me then him now. Healing is progressing...

 

Hope you're doing well Sofia. We still have a way to go but we are getting there!

[Roselynn1]

your sister called the other day. She said "if you get back with him, you're crazy. He is too immature". yeah! I'm not crazy and you definitely need to grow up. Hard to believe you're in your 40s... Told her you're someone else's headache now cuz I'm done. it's hard to believe I was torn up over this like I was. Life is funny.

[Roselynn1]

I lost someone really close to me and yesterday was the funeral. It hurts. Its surreal... Still can't believe he's gone. He used to say to enjoy life and not to get caught up in pettiness cuz tomorrow isn't promised. And he really did enjoy his life by surrounding himself with love and happiness up until his last days. I'm happy for that. life is crazy cuz you never know when your time will come. what's that bible verse about death coming like a thief in the night? Seeing another day is a blessing. At the service the priest focused on love and forgiveness. He said twice a day we should ask God to help heal our wounded heart. It was such a beautiful service. RIP my love.

 

I thought about you. Looked around and saw folks there with their loved ones. Thought about what it would be like to have you there to comfort me. Thought about why things are so screwed up, thought about love and forgiveness. Thought about the past, about now, about the future. Thought about how I still love you - can't help it but I do. However, I will never beg for love. That's something that should be given freely. When a man wants you he will be with you. Nothing will keep a man in love away. It's really that simple. Any explanation used to try and explain why he isn't is nothing but a sorry excuse.

 

Just feeling so blah today. I want to feel grateful for all my blessing but it's hard today. Instead I'm feeling empty and sad. I want to say I miss you but I don't. I just feel so detached from you and what I thought we had. I think what keeps me stuck is missing what I know we could have had. What I've always wanted for us but could never have. Makes me think of one of my songs. Was listening to it the other day and said yeah, that's it - that's what I miss.

 

Can you tell me, how can one miss what she's never had?

How could I reminisce when there is no past?

How could I have memories of being happy with you, boy?

Can someone tell me how can this be?

How could my mind pull up incidents

Recall dates and times that never happened?

How could we celebrate love that's too late

And how could I really mean the words I'm about to say?

 

I miss the times that we almost shared

I miss the love that was almost there

I miss the times that we used to kiss

At least in my dreams just let me take my time and reminisce

I miss the times that we never had

What happen to us, we were almost there

Who ever said it's impossible to miss

What you never had, never almost had you

 

That's me stuck on ALMOST. I feel so stupid. You have gone on with your life and I'm sitting here stuck on some fairytale. I hate this; hate feeling like this.

 

I have really tried to move on. I met someone, a really nice guy, attractive, considerate, great job. He put it out there that he was interested but I just played dumb. My heart wasn't in it and I started not responding to text messages and not returning calls. Then I felt bad cause he didn't deserve to be treated that way and I had to tell him. I could tell he was disappointed but I can't pretend. Haven't heard from him since I told him three days ago. I guess that's understandable, I wouldn't want to hear from me either if I was him.

 

Meanwhile, I'm sure you're out there carrying on a couple of flings. What did you tell me once "I'm not going to be alone". Yea, you never are. There's always someone or a couple of someones for you. you know they say a woman can fake an orgasm but a man can fake a whole relationship. Are you out here faking it? Who knows maybe you finally found love and there's nothing fake bout it. Maybe you're finally content and happy.

 

I was talking to my cousin today and she said happiness means finding what stirs your soul. Find something you're passionate about and that's where your happiness lies. It feels so good to hear her giving me advice. She has been through a lot in life and depression has always been an issue for her. So to know that she's at peace now is a good thing. I want peace and happiness. I need it.

[Roselynn1]

People come into your path for a reason, a season or a lifetime.

When you know which one it is, you will know what to do with that person.

When someone is in your life for a REASON it is usually to meet a need you have expressed.

They have come to assist you through a difficulty…

To provide you with guidance and support…

To aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually…

They may seem like they are a godsend, and they are.

They are there for the reason you need them to be.

Then without any wrongdoing on your part, or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.

Sometimes they die…

Sometimes they walk away…

Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand….

What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled…

Their work is done.

The prayer you sent up has now been answered and now it is time to move on.

 

Some people come into your life for a SEASON.

Because your turn has come to share, grow or learn.

They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.

They may teach you something you have never done.

They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.

Believe it, it is real. But only for a season.

 

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons.

Things you must build upon to have a solid emotional foundation.

Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person, and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.

It is said that love is blind, but friendship is clairvoyant.

Thank you for being a part of my life…

Whether you were a reason, a season or a lifetime

~ unknown author

 

Read this and trying to figure out where you fall in my life path… Let’s see.

Reason: Guidance and support? Nope. Godsend? Lololol… Act up to force you to take a stand; now it’s time to move on? Bingo! That’s all you babe.

Season: Share, grow, learn, peace and laughter? Now you already know you’re not fitting into any of these.

Lifetime: “That’s a no from me”… But you’ve definitely taught me a lifetime lesson. Jerk!

 

Was just thinking, I say I love you but I don’t even know why. Maybe I don't really love you. But you’ve got this hold on me that’s really hard to shake but I’m gonna do it. I’m going to shake you right out of my life once and for all – that’s a promise.

[Roselynn1]

Feeling restless with lots of pent up negative energy. And its making me want to do something dumb and petty cause it feels like that’s what would make me feel better right now. Then my cousin sent me one of those random text she sends sometime “never force anything, just let it be. If it’s meant to be, it will be.” Well if that wasn’t a sign to take a deep breath, try and push away negative vibes and say “woosah” I don’t know what is. Negativity will never make you feel good and won’t bring happiness or peace. I need to re-wire my mind and only focus on letting go and moving on. All that other stuff is irrelevant. Nothing else matters, just let go and move on. That’s the only thing I need to focus on – the only thing. No more FB or IG snooping. I just blocked a bunch of pages. You’re blocked from calling/texting – today is actually day three. I do want to keep posted on the situation with your dad and your sister said she’d keep me in the loop if anything happens. No more calling any of your folks for any reason. No more trying to manipulate situations to try and make something happen. Yes, ashamed to say I’ve done that a couple of times. No more anything babe. I’m really going to try and stick with it this time. This has dragged on way too long and it’s pointless and tiring. One month into the new year and still making the same mistakes... no more. Right now it’s all about: accepting that it’s over; letting go and moving on. That’s the only thing that’s important now.

 

The below has helped in keeping me focused, so gonna need it to work it's magic one more time...

 

 

Let It Go By T. D. Jakes

 

There are people who can walk away from you.

And hear me when I tell you this. When people can walk

Away from you: let them walk.

I don’t want you to try to talk another person into staying with you,

Loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you,

Staying attached to you.

I mean hang up the phone.

When people can walk away from you let them walk.

Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left.

The Bible said that, “they came out from us that it might

Be made manifest that they were not for us.

For had they been of us, no doubt they

Would have continued with us.” [1 John 2:19]

People leave you because they are not joined to you.

And if they are not joined to you, you can’t make them stay.

Let them go.

And it doesn’t mean that they are a bad person it just means

That their part in the story is over. And you’ve got

To know when people’s part in your story is over so that you

Don’t keep trying to raise the dead.

You’ve got to know when it’s dead.

You’ve got to know when it’s over. Let me tell you something.

I’ve got the gift of good-bye. It’s the tenth spiritual gift,

I believe in good-bye. It’s not that I’m hateful,

it’s that I’m faithful, and I know whatever God

Means for me to have He’ll give it to me.

And if it takes too much sweat I don’t need it.

Stop begging people to stay.

Let them go!

[rtyu4567]

Love luv luv the TD excerpt! Thanks for sharing!

[Roselynn1]

Love luv luv the TD excerpt! Thanks for sharing!

 

Me too! It's been my go-to for years. I have a laminated copy at home that I read when needed. The message is universal and timeless.

 

Hope you're well!

[rtyu4567]

I copied and paste it in my memo pad on my phone, along with other inspirational things I have read, as well as a list of all the negatives about him and why I'm better off with out him. I read it everyday. For the first time in these past 6 months I have made progress, actually I believe I turned a corner. I stopped blocking him long ago, that was no use to me and im only speaking for myself, if anything it drove me nuts, I just kept unblocking him and breaking NC. Blocking etc served me no purpose without will power, and surrendering. I simply was not strong enough. I think it also helped that I hit rock bottom with the LC, it became really toxic for me. He is not blocked and he tried to reel me in a few days ago with a text, after I stopped groveling, I had absolutely no desire to reply, and I won't again. But that is what he does, he see's me pulling away and he reel's me in not because he wants me but because he get sick satisfaction. At the end of it all it had to come from within me, I had to be willing and want to stop. I realized for myself that no amount of blocking or counting NC days was going to work for me unless I wanted it and divine intervention, a lot of praying girl. I still have to be careful though, I'm not as fragile but, I also can't let my guard down. Just thought I'd share a tid bit of what's been happening on my end.

" This has dragged on way too long and it’s pointless and tiring. One month into the new year and still making the same mistakes... no more. Right now it’s all about: accepting that it’s over; letting go and moving on. That’s the only thing that’s important now." That is exactly how I felt 2 weeks ago. Ha ha watch it's coming Ros, you are going to do this!! I have no doubt!! Right now I think I'm in the disgust phase of him, us even me.....such drama filled crap all that contact. But, that's ok, I rather be disgusted than to be in la la land with false hope, and romanticizing prince charming knocking on my door with love declaration, like I was. okay Im rambling..lo

[Roselynn1]

Sophia, I like the idea of keeping a list of negative things about them. I find that otherwise it's easy to romanticize the relationship and put them on a pedestal. Gonna do like you and make a small list that I read everyday. That's gonna help get strong. The stuff you feed your mind really makes a difference.

 

I'm kinda stubborn so not calling him is easy for me. But hearing from him and ignoring him is the hard part. I keep falling for the breadcrumbs. That's my weakness. So blocking works and I've used it on and off. It's hard for me to keep him blocked because we have mutual friends. But for now, I need to do it to get strong. I feel like hearing from him is dragging me back, making me over analyze things and I also start to expect to hear from him. I don't want to be like that.

 

When it comes down to it everyone needs to follow whatever method works for them. Sometimes it's NC other times it's LC or a combination of the two or just block them everywhere.

 

I remember we sorta started around the same time so it's good to see that you've gotten so much stronger. Yes, keep ignoring him. I think they like knowing they still have a hold on you. They don't want to be committed but need to know they still have you. I hate that. And you're right, you have to be strong and not fall for the BS. I really think to stop idolizing them and keep all the negative stuff about them on the forefront is gonna play a big part in getting over them. So gonna start working on that list of all his faults. My list is gonna be long...Lolol.

 

I feel you on the disgust thing. I saw mine briefly last week and in my mind I was like "pleeze, you're not even worth all this misery." But at the same time, I know if he was saying the right things I'd be with it. Smh...So definitely, still a lot of work to do.

 

But I'm proud of both of us, cause we have come so far from where we were! It's a slow process but we are gonna get there. And one day soon, we're gonna wanna slap ourselves for even giving these clowns the time of day and letting tears over them mess up our mascara... Lol... One day girl...

[Roselynn1]

You know I almost convinced myself that your family business has nothing to do with me so when your sister called today I ignored her call. But after awhile I felt bad and texted her. So your dad is getting worst and you decide to run off for a weekend getaway??? Unbelievable. I was tired from last night but went out to see him anyway. The minute I saw him I just broke down crying. Your sister said not to cry in front of him but I couldn't stop. He's worst from when I saw him a couple of weeks ago in the hospital. He's skin and bones, won't eat and could barely talk. It's not looking good.

 

I regret leaving you that voicemail but I just got so emotional seeing him like that and couldn't understand why you weren't there with him? Your sister said I shouldn't have apologized cuz you deserve to get cursed out. She said she told you to make sure you listen to your voicemail. I think she's happy I cursed you out and couldn't wait for you to hear it. But I don't know. Maybe this is how you deal with things... Run away like a little boy. You, so big and tough... I always go back to that time we were dealing with our issues and you texted me "when I feel things closing in on me, I will run". Well you can't run from this. He isn't getting better! You should be the one sitting and holding his hand. I'm sure he'd much prefer you doing it than me. Even when I tried to leave he called me back and grabbed my hand again. He needs you Jamie. He loves the girls and thank God he has them but you're his special child. I can't believe you'd leave your dad like this to go away for a good time. What the hell is wrong with you? After everything he has done for you? You've said countless times that he's the one person you could always count on - he's always in your corner. And here he is practically on his death bed and you're somewhere having fun??? Unbelievable. I don't know. Maybe you're in denial. But anyone can see that he isn't getting better. The doctors can't help him anymore. It's time for you to man up. You're like a lost little boy in a grown mans body. I feel sorry for you.

[Roselynn1]

He's gone Jamie. Your dad died tonight and you don't even know! Your sister texted an hour ago. When I heard the phone I knew... She said not to tell you or anyone yet. So I'm sitting here in tears and can't talk to anyone but this journal!!!!