Roselynn1 Posted December 27, 2016 Author Share Posted December 27, 2016 Funny how you're minding your business and information just falls into your hands. I understand now why you put off going to see them until NYE... I saw the pics... Forgot to block her...yea, I'm definitely doing the right thing. I'm not as broken up about it as much anymore. Maybe I'm getting over it or just numb now. Don't know what made me think about that other situation but I'm sure we're fine on that point. Who would have thought there would come a time when that would be considered a bad thing?? A time when I'd be apprehensive about telling you, unsure of your reaction... Yea this is when you know it's over. Was chatting with a few guys last night. Stacey said im gonna get snatched up so quick and you not even be a thought anymore. I don't know about not thinking of you anymore. But you don't think of me, so.... Thinking back to how recently you've shared some things with me you usually keep close. The marriage thing, the can't look at our pictures and the "I'll deny it but I shed tears over you". I guess now that it's over you needed to release those things? I can't imagine you shedding tears about anything. Well no, I take that back once when we were young we had an argument and I told you it was over and was walking away. You grabbed me in a bear hug asking me to stay and your voice cracked. That made me stop. Have never heard you sound like that. You the big tough guy... It actually made me love you more. Happened once last year too. Another argument, voice cracked "you're the only person I get emotional for"... Then that morning in September. I guess that morning was sorta special to you too cuz just recently you referred to it as "that morning" that's all that's needed to refer to it and we'll both know. "Don't get emotional. You're gonna make me shed a tear." And that will probably be the last time I ever hear your voice crack. I've lost you Jamie. It hurts a lot... But you know me, hold it all in. Keep looking put together and unaffected meanwhile I'm broken and my insides are mush. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roselynn1 Posted December 27, 2016 Author Share Posted December 27, 2016 just because someone has been in your life for many years, doesn't mean there shouldn't be a point at which you finally decide to let go. -- Wilfred James Dolor Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roselynn1 Posted December 27, 2016 Author Share Posted December 27, 2016 Even as I hold you, I am letting you go. -- Alice Walker Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roselynn1 Posted December 27, 2016 Author Share Posted December 27, 2016 Wednesday morning, me sitting on the bed looking a mess. You standing over me looking down at me, "you look good. You always do". Brushing our teeth, staring at you thru the mirror, you laughing and turning your back on me and now I'm laughing too. A kiss on the forehead... Yes, Jamie I'm gonna miss you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roselynn1 Posted December 27, 2016 Author Share Posted December 27, 2016 Always Be My Baby - Mariah Carey We were as one babe For a moment in time And it seemed everlasting That you would always be mine Now you wanna be free So I'll let you fly 'Cause I know in my heart babe Our love will never die [Chorus You'll always be a part of me I'm part of you indefinitely Boy don't you know you can't escape me Ooh darling 'cause you'll always be my baby And we'll linger on Time can't erase a feeling this strong No way you're never gonna shake me Ooh darling 'cause you'll always be my baby I ain't gonna cry no And I won't beg you to stay If you're determined to leave boy I will not stand in your way But inevitably You'll be back again 'Cause you know in your heart babe Our love will never end [Chorus] I know that you'll be back boy When your days and your nights get a little bit colder I know that you'll be right back baby Oh baby believe me it's only a matter of time [Chorus] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roselynn1 Posted December 27, 2016 Author Share Posted December 27, 2016 And this is why I want to block you!!! re-wiring this brain... Posting my sad songs and quotes about letting go... You know the corny stuff that some of us women do... Adjusting... So why are you texting me?!?!? 7am and you're texting... I saw the pictures... I want to block you again. I don't think you even realized I had you blocked for almost two months. Only thing keeping me from blocking you is the GUILT I feel about the past. I feel horrible about that. And you hold that s--- over me and I can't even defend myself properly. My reasons sound like BS even to my own ears. You've got me holding on cuz I'm trying to make up for what I did, holding on cuz my heart breaks for you and your past, cuz I know I hurt you, cuz I never want you to ever shed not even one tear over me! Yet when I shed them you feel justified??? I'm no longer contacting you. Please move on Jamie and leave me alone. There will come a time when guilt won't be enough to keep me... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roselynn1 Posted December 27, 2016 Author Share Posted December 27, 2016 Been thinking about it and you're getting blocked for 2017. I'll give you the courtesy of telling you before its done but no more of this BS. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roselynn1 Posted December 28, 2016 Author Share Posted December 28, 2016 NC day 2... Really tried to stay in contact but no longer want to. What's the point?? I'm not a mess like i was weeks ago, so that's good. Miss you actually I miss the man you were before all this started. The guy would call me to let me know he's thinking about me. The guy who would hint at the engagement ring he's going to pick out. The guy who always included me in future plans. What happen to that guy? Where he at? Gone......... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roselynn1 Posted December 28, 2016 Author Share Posted December 28, 2016 Not sure why you're calling but pretty soon you won't be able to anymore. Well you could but it will be pointless, total waste of time... Yea babe, I'm almost at the IDGAF stage.. S l o w l y getting there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roselynn1 Posted December 28, 2016 Author Share Posted December 28, 2016 So I drafted a short text letting you know you're blocked. Gonna have to break NC to send it... Was gonna wait until NYE to send but will do sooner. Think I will send tomorrow. Suppose to see your mom then. I got her a little something. And I wanted to see her one last time. You know it makes me sad because your family shows me more love then my own. Not saying they love me more then my own. Saying they show it more and that matters. Even your brother who doesn't say much sometimes ended a call with "love you". You guys are always saying it to each other, my family never does. Really going to miss that. I think that's why I like being in a relationship to feel like I have a love of my own, to feel love cuz otherwise I never do. Maybe that's why I'm the way I am. Don't wanna be this way but it's especially hard to be any other way when this is all you've ever known. Also why I always wanted my own kid.... Would never raise one how I was raised. Can't wait until I can put a check mark off by your name, file it done, close the file and move on. But I need to wait until after tomorrow. You said I'd make things worst, well they already are. We don't even talk anymore. Didn't even tell you my good friend's mom passed away recently. Service is today and gonna head out there shortly. So happy I got to go see her at the hospital recently. I bought her an orchid and she loved it. That's another family that has shown me so much love. Every holiday, every family function I'm invited. Guess I crave love just as much as you Jamie. By tomorrow this is over with. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roselynn1 Posted December 28, 2016 Author Share Posted December 28, 2016 Feeling sad. Can't believe this is it for us... After all these years it's going to finally end.. Tears... Going to really miss you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roselynn1 Posted December 28, 2016 Author Share Posted December 28, 2016 Some people come in your life as blessings, others come in your life as lessons Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roselynn1 Posted December 28, 2016 Author Share Posted December 28, 2016 Sometimes you will never know the value of a moment until it becomes a memory. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roselynn1 Posted December 28, 2016 Author Share Posted December 28, 2016 It hurts to let go but sometimes it hurts more to hold on. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roselynn1 Posted December 29, 2016 Author Share Posted December 29, 2016 Why do you call? It's not cuz you love me... What? Old habits? I can't even make myself answer your calls anymore. There's a part of me that doesn't wanna block you. But i can't keep going on like this. I used to think we'd get back after awhile but now more and more I'm seeing that's not gonna happen. If I knew what to do to get us how I want it, I'd do it. But there isn't anything I could do. I'm nervous about texting you about the block... But I don't know why cuz you DGAF anymore. Only I do. I've got a bunch of Tinder matches, chatted with a few but I don't want them!! Eff you Jamie!!! I hate that you got me like this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roselynn1 Posted December 29, 2016 Author Share Posted December 29, 2016 Today Jamie! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roselynn1 Posted December 29, 2016 Author Share Posted December 29, 2016 Do you know what the difference is now? I'm running low on hope. That was the one thing that I always held onto. Even tho we weren't together I always knew we'd end up together. Until now. The hope is fading... Starting not to see it anymore. Maybe that's what held me back when I'd meet other men. I'm starting to give up on you babe... All these years and it comes down to this. You texted that you wanted to stop by last night. Why? What would it have changed? Nothing and that's why I didn't even bother to respond to any of your calls. When I went to the service yesterday, my ex was there. He was full of compliments but all I could think is "why the hell did I ever date you??"... I would never get back to him for any reason. He made sure to let me know that he won a huge lawsuit and what type of car he drives... Guess, I was supposed to be impress. Nope, I have my own s--- and even if I didn't it still wouldn't matter. Got me thinking if this is the way I'm going to feel about you. Will one day I look at you like what was I thinking? I don't know but as of now you're the love of my life. It's embarrassing but even my family knows. Cindy told me when I stepped away during a dinner my cousin started talking about me with the idk why she's still single, pretty, never married, no kids. And my aunt jumped in with the you know why, she still stuck on that guy Jamie. Is that it?? Am I stuck on you? All these years and still stuck in one place. Stagnant... I don't like that word. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roselynn1 Posted December 30, 2016 Author Share Posted December 30, 2016 Past couple of days a text after 10 pm saying you want to come over. What the hell? Hope I'm just reading this wrong but you're getting the serious side-eye now. Don't get yourself cursed out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rtyu4567 Posted December 31, 2016 Share Posted December 31, 2016 Do you know what the difference is now? I'm running low on hope. That was the one thing that I always held onto. Even tho we weren't together I always knew we'd end up together. Until now. The hope is fading... Starting not to see it anymore. Maybe that's what held me back when I'd meet other men. I'm starting to give up on you babe... All these years and it comes down to this. You texted that you wanted to stop by last night. Why? What would it have changed? Nothing and that's why I didn't even bother to respond to any of your calls. When I went to the service yesterday, my ex was there. He was full of compliments but all I could think is "why the hell did I ever date you??"... I would never get back to him for any reason. He made sure to let me know that he won a huge lawsuit and what type of car he drives... Guess, I was supposed to be impress. Nope, I have my own s--- and even if I didn't it still wouldn't matter. Got me thinking if this is the way I'm going to feel about you. Will one day I look at you like what was I thinking? I don't know but as of now you're the love of my life. It's embarrassing but even my family knows. Cindy told me when I stepped away during a dinner my cousin started talking about me with the idk why she's still single, pretty, never married, no kids. And my aunt jumped in with the you know why, she still stuck on that guy Jamie. Is that it?? Am I stuck on you? All these years and still stuck in one place. Stagnant... I don't like that word. It feels, that way for now, but, mama, you are on your way out, we both are. The fact that we can love the way we do from the bottom of our hearts, well I believe God has someone special for us to share our life with. Funny, I did not thing believe that for myself, not even last week but my gut has been telling me differently lately. It can be sad when we start to see that the hope is fading, the last thing we had to hold on to "hope" But that can also be a good thing for some, a milestone. Loosing hope for a seemingly hopeless relationship can help us move forward and open the doors for better things. Well, anyway, that is how I want to begin looking at things. Because girl, I'm running low on hope too. lol Happy New Year!! May the coming year's be filled with love and blessings for you Roselynn. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roselynn1 Posted January 3, 2017 Author Share Posted January 3, 2017 It feels, that way for now, but, mama, you are on your way out, we both are. The fact that we can love the way we do from the bottom of our hearts, well I believe God has someone special for us to share our life with. Funny, I did not thing believe that for myself, not even last week but my gut has been telling me differently lately. It can be sad when we start to see that the hope is fading, the last thing we had to hold on to "hope" But that can also be a good thing for some, a milestone. Loosing hope for a seemingly hopeless relationship can help us move forward and open the doors for better things. Well, anyway, that is how I want to begin looking at things. Because girl, I'm running low on hope too. lol Happy New Year!! May the coming year's be filled with love and blessings for you Roselynn. I think you're right and it's scary and liberating at the same time. It's scary cuz after loving someone so deeply you wonder if will ever love another this way. And liberating cuz you can't keep holding on to something that hurts and isn't working. Need to start letting go... And it feels good to not be in that emotionally draining place anymore. But at the same time, I'm confused because this is the only love I've ever pictured a future with and to start letting go just puts me in a weird place. It's hard to explain... but yes, that last bit of hope is slowly fading. And you're right about it opening the door cuz I actually met this one guy online who has held my interest so far. It's still way too new but it's nice looking forward to hearing from someone else. Who's to say if it goes anywhere but it's made me realize that there are so many other men out there and other chances for happiness and love. 2016 was a year for lessons and growth. Rtyu, I think we've both learned so much about love, relationships and ourselves this past year. Some of these lessons were very painful and took an emotional toll on us but it was necessary. The good thing is that it will only get better from now on. 2017 will be a great year for us. Why? Because we said so! Nothing but good vibes this year... Happy New Year Rtyu4567!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roselynn1 Posted January 4, 2017 Author Share Posted January 4, 2017 I'm annoyed tonight. I'm doing better then I was around Christmas and having Stacey here helped take my mind off things. I'm starting to handle things way better... We haven't spoken... Not even a HNY call/text... Cool. Tonight you call, ignore it. Next a text that you were only calling because you weren't feeling well, was close by and wanted somewhere to crash for a bit. I started to ignore it all but couldnt. I know you wouldn't just say that if it wasn't so. Started my over thinking with a bunch of "what if" scenarios. Finally called back and straight to voicemail. Text and no response. And now I'm annoyed. I hope you're OK and I'm sure that you are but........... Damn Jamie! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roselynn1 Posted January 5, 2017 Author Share Posted January 5, 2017 I thought I saw you in the City today. My heart skipped a beat then I realized it wasn't your car. Then flashbacks of seeing you in the city last summer came to mind. In a city of millions what are the odds that I'd run into you? I remember that day like it was yesterday. Making my way thru the crowds, cars are stopped at the light on my right. A flash of color catches my attention and I turn to the right and there you are at the light looking straight at me. You smile, that beautiful smile of yours. I'm not smiling. And neither is your female passenger who's also looking my way. That girl has been around forever. And I wonder what's really up with ya'll. Back when we lived together, I saw a scrap of paper with her name on it. I remember cuz I called her. Yeah, babe I did. Remember back in the day when kids used to prank call folks? Yeah, my friends and I called her.. Lol to be so young and immature... Lol. Weird how you hold onto certain memories. Fast forward years and years to just last year and she's at the party. I made a mental note of it... Prank call girl is here...then and went about my business and tried to have fun. But it's hard to ignore the eyes that seem to follow your every move. Even Cindy noticed and wanted to know "what's up with that girl? Why is she staring so hard". I wondered the same. Confidence is a beautiful thing. Because there are days when you just know you're looking good and you feel great. You have that extra bounce in your step, you walk into a room and shine that sexy confidence. Yeah, I was feeling it that night. Fierce! So I walked right over to her and and introduced myself. Funny, thing is we had a nice conversation, no awkwardness. We even laughed together that night. But that day in the city last summer neither she nor I cracked a smile. No acknowledgement of the laughter we shared just months before, no hey girl, what's up? not even a weak smile strangers sometimes share. Just cold eyes meeting. Yet you sat there grinning a big old grin. You actually looked happy. I looked her way then yours then turned my head and walked on. Just kept on walking all cool and confident. But inside I was a mess. "He's with HER...what's that about? I looked a mess! Why today? I looked cute yesterday... Damn, didn't even have on my sunglasses... And not even any lipstick... Ugh!! hate my hair up like this. And this damn old dress......damn". Those are the thoughts rushing out inside. Walked another five mins and the coolness starts to fade. I need to call someone. "Cindy! Guess who I just saw? Jamie!" "What?! O M G... What did you have on? Were you looking cute?" And that's how our conversation went. It took couple of days to actually hear from you after that day. "Couldn't believe I saw you! Wanted to jump out the car and give you the biggest hug... You looked so beautiful... Love your hair up like that and that dress was so sexy... The way it hugged your curves... All I kept thinking was there goes my baby looking so pretty...I know you always think the worst of me but she's just a friend...wanted to grab you up so bad but you looked so pissed... I didn't want to cause a scene." Funny how things change cuz had it been you I saw today, I don't think I'd see joy in your eyes. And I can't imagine you'd b so happy that you'd want to "jump out the car..." And that right there made me shed a tear - actually a few. It's hard to walk thru sidewalks filled with tourists and commuters during rush hour in a city of millions with eyes so glassy that everything's a blur. So I took a deep breath, told myself "it's a new year girl. Don't." Took another deep breath, wiped my eyes, held my head high and with dry eyes just kept on walking. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roselynn1 Posted January 5, 2017 Author Share Posted January 5, 2017 Had lots going on so couldn’t focus on “stuff” but now that things are settling back into a normal routine it’s a weird place I find myself in now. The hole in my heart is very slowly starting to heal but the scars left behind are constant reminders. The tears have gone from a roaring waterfall to a leaky faucet. And hope seems so far away – it’s like reaching out to a star in the skies. Not sure how to feel now… just kinda numb and empty. And as much as I want this year to be a good one, a positive one as that hand stuck 12 on NYE it wasn’t a great feeling. Even surrounded with happy people or maybe they also had their happy faces on for the festivities. We screamed and shouted as the new year rang in. But all that noise couldn’t silence the emptiness inside; that noise was the loudest of all. You can’t run, can’t hide cuz it’s there and it ain’t going nowhere. Are you feeling this too? A text from you just came thru. Seeing your name always makes me pause as my mind races ahead to mentally prepare myself for what you’re going to say. Today you’re thinking of me and miss me. I don’t know, call me a sucker but that still gets me. Not like it used to and I can’t wait to respond. No, now I take the words in and savor them… It’s always an internal battle on whether or not to respond. I want to, I really do but doing so changes nothing. It just keeps us going around the same old circle. I know you miss me. When I really think about it, I know in my heart you do. Like I do you… But you know what I want. You know what you need to do. Something is holding you back and I can’t help you with that babe. That’s your own battle and you’re gonna need to fight it alone. “I miss you too babe.” That’s the text you’re not getting back. But like I said, I’m a sucker so………… Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roselynn1 Posted January 7, 2017 Author Share Posted January 7, 2017 I'm feeling it today Jamie. Don't know where you're at or what you're doing but this is where I'm at... "Have you ever had someone steal your heart away / You'd give anything up to make them feel the same / Have you ever searched for words to get you in their heart / But you don't know what to say / And you don't know where to start" "Have you finally found the one you've given your heart to / Only to find that one won't give their heart to you" If I could snap my fingers and be over this... *snap, snap, snap* Have You Ever? -- Brandy Have you ever loved somebody so much It makes you cry Have you ever needed something so bad You can't sleep at night Have you ever tried to find the words But they don't come out right Have you ever, have you ever Have you ever been in love Been in love so bad You'd do anything to make them understand Have you ever had someone steal your heart away You'd give anything up to make them feel the same Have you ever searched for words to get you in their heart But you don't know what to say And you don't know where to start Have you ever loved somebody so much It makes you cry Have you ever needed something so bad You can't sleep at night Have you ever tried to find the words But they don't come out right Have you ever, have you ever Have you ever found the one You've dreamed of all your life You'd do just about anything to look into their eyes Have you finally found the one you've given your heart to Only to find that one won't give their heart to you Have you ever closed your eyes and Dreamed that they were there And all you can do is wait for that day when they will care Have you ever loved somebody so much It makes you cry Have you ever needed something so bad You can't sleep at night Have you ever tried to find the words But they don't come out right Have you ever, have you ever Oooooooh oooooh What do I got to do to get you in my arms baby What do I got to say to get to your heart To make ya understand how I need ya next to me Gotta get ya in my world cuz baby I can't sleep! Have you ever loved somebody so much It makes you cry Have you have you ever needed something so bad Breaks you apart inside Have you ever tried to find the words But they don't come out right Oooh Have you ever, have you ever Loved somebody so much It makes you cry Have you ever needed something so bad You can't sleep at (just can't sleep at night) Try to find the words but they don't come out Have you ever Have you ever ever ever Ohhh have you ever? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roselynn1 Posted January 8, 2017 Author Share Posted January 8, 2017 Just recently Cindy said "he acts like you're always going to be around." And for some reason those words stuck with me. I've been doing this all wrong. Need to stop seeing what I wanna see and see what's actually there - see the truth. Actions, that what it's all about. Need to hold on to the truth: HLH. That right there is it. It's what I need to convince myself of. I was on that path before but derailed. Back on it now. Back to the truth. Gonna hold on to it this time and not let go. Stop making the same mistakes. Get back on track and stay there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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