Dear Jamie

[Roselynn1]

Never lose yourself while trying to hold on to someone who doesn't care about losing you. -- Lessons Learned in Life

[rtyu4567]

Sometimes walking away is the only option.

Not because you want to make someone miss you,

or realize they took you for granted. But because you finally respect

Yourself enough to know that you deserve better.

 

Do you know how hard it was to let you go and walk away? No, you have no idea. It was something I knew I had to do but couldn’t bare too. But there comes a point where enough is enough and staying just causes more pain then happiness. It isn’t worth how it’s tearing you up inside. Felt like I was losing my self-worth, losing value, losing respect. And I didn’t like this weak person I was becoming all in the name of love. That’s not what it’s supposed to feel like. And how can someone else truly love you when you act like you don’t even love yourself? I don’t want the type of love that doesn’t make me happy, the type that doesn’t fill my heart with joy, the type of love that’s filled with insecurities and doubt. I don’t want some half-ass loving. That’s not what I want; it’s not what I deserve. It doesn’t feel good. I don’t have you and really sad about that. But you know what, I have my self-respect and that feels good. It makes me feel strong. Even while I’m hurting I feel like I have my power back. The right decision was made and I know in time I will heal. I don’t need to settle for the love crumbs you tried to throw my way. I’m not that starved for love.

 

You deserve someone who would jump fences to be with you.

Not someone who is on the fence about being with you.

Thank you, for this.

[Roselynn1]

Thank you, for this.

 

You're welcome Rtyu4567. We're all going thru the same thing, that's what makes the ENA community so helpful and why we all keep coming back. Hope you're feeling better. If you ever want to talk, I'm here...

[Roselynn1]

I'll be happy when I don't think about you everyday. Weird how I'm feeling these days. Wonder if this means I'm finally getting over you?

 

Told myself I'd do the online dating thing this weekend. I really don't want to but I have to.

 

Friday night, you're probably on a date cuz I know you hate being alone.

[Roselynn1]

There's something missing in your life. You're craving something real, something deep and rewarding. However you have to stop blocking the blessing because of your fear of getting hurt

 

This made me think of us. The love is real, that's not the issue. Fear - that's it right there. Love keeps us connected while fear keeps us disconnected. We've both hurt each other in the past. We've talked and had shared the customary I'm sorry because that's what we're supposed to do - apologize when you hurt someone.

 

But neither of us has forgotten or forgiven because this hurt is different. This is the type of hurt you hold on to and can't let go. It goes deep. You thought you found a safe place, your safe person and you knew this is where you'd always be protected - but you weren't. How do you ever feel safe there again? How do you trust again? You don't.

 

You seek comfort in fear. You use it as a barrier between you and your safe place. The fear of the unknown, fear of letting go and opening up. Letting someone in deeper then anyone has ever gone before. Giving your all - your essence. There's no going back after that - no shield, no where to hide. You're exposed, naked and vulnerable. No, we're not going there. We're not getting naked. The pain would be too great - too deep this time. There's nothing there to stop it, no protection, no shield no clothing. We're naked! No we'll stay clothed and try and love each other that way. But the clothes get in the way. And fear makes us keep them on.

[Roselynn1]

I wish i never met you!!! You're my worst punishment. glad I didn't answer your call. Don't wanna hear your lying azz mouth anymore. Eff you!!!!!! If you see me, don't even look my way. I hate your lying azz!!!!!!!!!!

[Roselynn1]

It's over. We weren't together but I still had hope we'd find our way back. I don't deserve this; this isn't love. I deserve someone who loves like I do. Someone who will always choose me. That's not you. Goodbye Jamie.

[Roselynn1]

"Love Don't Live Here Anymore"

Rose Royce

 

You abandoned me

Love don't live here anymore

Just a vacancy

Love don't live here anymore

 

When you lived inside of me

There was nothing I could conceive

That you wouldn't do for me

Trouble seemed so far away

You changed that right away, baby

 

You abandoned me

Love don't live here anymore

Just a vacancy

Love don't live here anymore

 

Love don't live here anymore

Just emptiness and memories

Of what we had before

You went away

Found another place to stay, another home

 

You abandoned me

Love don't live here anymore

Just a vacancy

Love don't live here anymore

 

In the windmills of my eyes

Everyone can see the loneliness inside me

Why'd ya have to go away

Don't you know I miss you so and need your love

 

You abandoned me

Love don't live here anymore

Just a vacancy

Love don't live here anymore [x2]

[fade out]

[IAmFCA]

Great song. Sorry its words hit home for you at this time. Life's adventures will eventually make this time small in comparison. (The jerk. Sorry.)

[Roselynn1]

Great song. Sorry its words hit home for you at this time. Life's adventures will eventually make this time small in comparison. (The jerk. Sorry.)

 

Yes, it's the perfect song right now. Thanks for your kind words.

[Roselynn1]

What did you want?? I forgot to block your iPad... Did you really think id want to FaceTime???? i will never answer a call or respond to a text... Never.

 

For the second time, your mom referred to me as a strong woman. I dOnt feel strong at all. Sometimes the people who appear the strongest may in fact be the weakest. It's what's inside that determines strength...I'm broken up inside... Shattered into many small pieces. Desperately trying to put the pieces back together again. my pride is strong. That's actually the one thing helping to keep it all together... I will not appear weak or ask for something that should be given freely. I will not be broken. Especially not by you

[Roselynn1]

Thru our mutual friends I saw on IG that you've started your project... Happy that you're taking steps to make it happen... hope you get that million dollar contract you're hoping for. Wonder if it's the money that's going to make you feel differently...

 

Was out on a date tonight. The compliments, flirts, the accidental touches were all wasted on me cuz I felt nothing. Even the conversation was all a blur... "The best way to get over someone is to get under someone new." Yeah well that was the plan but no longer think that's gonna work. Need to figure out another way...

[Roselynn1]

You know when I wrote goodbye a few post up, that was suppose to be it for this journal. But you know what? I changed my mind cuz I still got stuff to say. Earlier today I was feeling some type of way and really in my feelings but I worked out and feeling good so I'm over all that sad ish.

 

A part of me still can't believe this s---. And the other part is like why not? This is who he is. Wish I didn't care but for now I still do. Was wishing I didn't take this with me into 2017 but it's looking like imma drag this baggage with me cuz lord knows it won't be wrapped up in the next 19 days. It's all good tho, cuz I'm learning how to manage it alot better. And you know what helps? Realizing how blessed that I am and knowing my worth. When your mom said I was strong she also said "I love how you handle things". And we both know she's basically saying "glad you're not dealing with his BS" but that's your mom so she's gonna be nice about it.

 

Another thing that helps is knowing that I'm gonna have my day with you, don't know when but we both know it's coming. And when it gets here you better be ready cuz I'm gonna be on my A game...Deuces!

[Roselynn1]

So crazy how feelings can change from one day to the next. Cuz tonight I was missing you bad. Picked up the phone a couple of times but I can't make myself call you. I called Renee probably cause I knew she was going to be in contact with you. Anyway, I ended up on the phone just breaking down. I hate feeling like this and crying. But I just couldn't help it.

 

Did you really tell her you don't think I care about you??? You can't really believe that... You want all this love and affection but what are you giving me??? Nothing! So Im tough and don't show a lot of emotion and you don't think I care? Really? What about you? You're like a rock! I can't get jack outta you! You don't show love either. Im not opening up and being all vulnerable and s---while you give me nothing! so if thats what you need - it's not happening. Remember that morning I was practically crying asking you why you're so emotionless and I specifically said that I can't give you more then what I'm giving you if that's how you're going to be and you said "I know. I understand and Right now, I'm not expecting you to give me a lot". So now you're running around telling folks I don't make you feel loved?? Really? And apparently, you're still mad about stuff that's happened in the past. I wasn't there for you??? Why would I be??? After all the s--- you did to me? Why would I be? I'm sorry about what you went thru. It hurts me to think about what you went thru but you hurt me! You can't treat folks any old way you feel like and hurt them then expect them to just get over it cuz you need someone. Actions have consequences... And when have you ever been there for me?!?! No one is ever here for me. So pls stop with the poor me BS you're on.

 

I can't help what's happened in the past - it's done and over with. Funny how the stuff you did is forgotten about. I'm still tripping over you saying you don't think I really care about you and Renee practically having to convinced you. Really Jamie??? You're an emotionally unavailable man. All the love you supposedly show is just surface stuff. You don't go down deep to show love, you dont really open up, but you want me to??? This is what I need to do for me to prove myself to you?? For me to be forgiven??? Renee said one of us is going to have to give in. And I don't think it's going to be me. I can't.

[Roselynn1]

Maybe I am too tough. But it's really not being tough. It's being scared. Scared to love too deeply, to give too much and being hurt. So I hold on tight and don't give much. But still end up hurting.

 

It hurts me that you think I don't love you. I know I don't say it but neither do you. I'm sorry. Its just really hard for me to be how I wanna be with you. I'm scared of loving you too much. Scared of being hurt again so I keep my love buried inside. I can count on one hand the times I've said those three words in the past year. The very last time was thru text. It took you hours to text back but when you did and said "that felt good" I understood. You needed time to let that good feeling sink in. Time to just savor the moment. I know it sounds weird but we understand each other in a way that others don't. It's that bond that keeps us connected.

 

I know you love me. That I have no doubts of. You don't show me love the way I need it but I know you love me. I saw it in your eyes on the Fourth of July. I heard it in your voice that September morning. But I need to FEEL it! I need you to Show me. Renee asked "do you think he's holding back to use that as some sort of punishment cuz of what happen in the past?" I don't know. I never really thought about it like that.

 

I love you, always have and probably always will. I don't know what's going to happen from here. Maybe it's all too late but I hope we find our way back to each other. Somehow. I need you to know, to see and feel this love I have for you. I never want you to doubt that.

[Roselynn1]

I hate coffee and rarely have it but that's what I'm sippin on now cuz I got 1.50 hours of sleep last night. I was up all night, couldn’t sleep. Just thinking about everything – what could I have done differently, what you could have done differently. And would any of it have made a difference.

 

Renee said she would fix things and sure enough you called this morning. You know that was a set up right? I had no idea she was doing that. But it felt good to hear the concern in your voice. “Why don’t you ever answer my calls?” That was the first thing you said. I didn’t have the heart to say it’s cuz you were blocked. I feel bad about that now. You said you wanted to talk later. Okay, but I’m nervous. I don’t know what to say. I feel like running away…

 

Renee said: just talk from the heart, let the man know you really do love him. He thinks you don’t care… stop trying to love safe – it doesn’t work. Love hard with no care. He needs a lot of attention and if you don’t give it to him others will – he’s a very attractive man with a great personality. Women notice, he won’t be single long. You look so good together – make a beautiful couple. So what if he’s seeing someone – they’re not in a relationship. He loves you not her. He can’t get over the hurt. It’s still with him. Apologize, stroke his ego, make him feel good, make him feel love. I’m not taking his side, I see both of your sides and you’re both right. But he has been thru alot, put yourself in his shoes… you should have heard how concerned he was when I said I couldn’t reach you. He said he was going to call then text then go to your house if you still didn’t answer – and he didn’t care if you had another guy there – just wanted to be sure you’re OK. The guy loves you. At the hospital he gave you a hug and said you just brushed him off and kept walking – that hurt him. Roselynn! Stop being like this. You’re gonna be alone forever if you don’t stop it. Let go and let loose. Love that man and make him forget the past. Have you ever given a man your all? No you haven’t. Stop holding back. This man misses you, he loves you. This isn't me vouching for him and saying he will give you all you want. But if you don't take a chance, how will you ever know? Love him back like he needs or watch someone else do all the things he wants you to do. Start fresh, let go of the past. And if it doesn’t work out? So what? You move on and love someone else. And whatever you do, don’t tell that man you blocked him – seriously. Let’s leave that between us.

 

These are all the things she said I should do. But is it bad that I’m left wondering, what will you do for me?? Are you going to make me feel secure and loved? Are we going to be committed – just me and you?? Or are you still trying to figure it all out?

 

This coffee is nasty but I need more.

[Roselynn1]

Yesterday and today wild roller coaster ride of emotions. But this is where I stop this ride and hop off. Its not the same anymore. You said you need to really think things thru. Don't. No need. Stop being confused, let's leave it as is. Right now things actually makes sense. Anything else causes confusion. And those text messages today? Please do as I asked and delete them all. Don't even try to understand. Just delete. And I'm a big girl, you don't need to worry about me or come check on me -I'm fine. We're almost at the last chapter of this book. It was an interesting story but with way too many twist and turns. We can close it out ending in 2016. That would be fitting.

[Roselynn1]

Can't sleep. I feel like I'm trying to talk myself into feeling certain ways when I know deep down it really isn't what I want. You said you're confused and I didn't want to admit it but I'm feeling kinda confused myself. This has honestly been the worst year of my life. I have really never been so miserable and felt so empty. Maybe I tried to make you fill a void you just couldn't fill? I don't know and I hate not having answers.

 

Last night was nice. It was actually the first time I felt content in a very long time. I don't know what it was about that moment that felt so good but I know it's gonna always be a special memory. You said, "this is how it's suppose to be" yea, that's exactly right. I wish it could always be like that. Always felt like when it came down to it that's how we were always suppose to end up. At least I'll have that memory.

 

I've learned so much about myself in this situation. I always thought I knew everything I needed to know about myself but I guess not. There are somethings I definitely need to work on, Letting go of this fear, that's a big one. But at least I recognize it now. Maybe I needed to go thru this pain to learn this lesson.

 

If I'm honest with myself, I'll admit that I still have some glimmer of hope that we find a way back. But the reality is that it's becoming less and less likely. But regardless, like you said we will always love each other - always.

 

I don't know what got into me this morning and why I was going off like that. I hate losing my cool. Those texts were just embarrassing; I even went and deleted them all from my phone cuz I didn't want to be reminded of them. And thatsbwhybits better to say things instead of writing stuff and leaving a record. I love how you just let me be crazy sometimes and just flow with it but don't entertain it. And that "I'm not like that with you; I would never do that to you". and I knew you wouldn't. I love you so much Jamie. When it comes down to it, that's really what it is. I trust you with my life because I know you would always protect me. I'm so sorry for a lot of things and I have regrets especially that I let you down when you needed me. I'm so sorry but I was too angry then and dealing with my own issues.

 

You definitely have your flaws like we all do but you are such a good person. You're real, loyal to a fault and love deep. And I think one of my biggest regrets is that we could never seem to get to a certain place. And maybe that's what keeps me from completely detaching, wanting to feel that and experience that with you.

 

I meant everything I said last night. I love you and always want you to be happy.

[Roselynn1]

Thinking about you. And I know I'll do that allot, so this will be my place to talk. I miss you and want to see you but I know I shouldn't. Actually was going to ask you for a favor but think being in contact again so soon isn't such a good idea. And I don't know why but I need you to initiate contact with me. Just makes me feel better that way. Weird cuz you said the same, you needed me to contact you. It's funny that I never really realized how needy you are. You're so big and tough that its easy to miss that you're a big baby inside.

 

I hate that I had to go thru this but it was needed. This pain was needed. It was needed to learn to appreciate things, to value the little things, that just being together was important we didn't have to be doing anything. You just wanted me there. I remember the day we were just hanging out not doing anything and I said I was going home and you got upset. In my mind I just didn't get it. Like what's the big deal? The big deal is you wanted me there, you liked me to just be there. If I could do things differently I would. I understand so much more now. I hate this pain. But I wouldn't learn without it.

 

love you Jamie. I really do and hate that I'm realizing all of this when its too late. If I have the chance to love you again I know how I need to love you. I understand now how you need to be loved.

 

But having said that, I'm not sitting around waiting on you. I'm making myself move on. Started online dating and even though I get hits I still hate it and really only doing it half-azz. Waste of money but I'm in it for six months. We'll see.

 

Miss you but glad I can come here to talk to you. Love you.

[Roselynn1]

I don't know how to deal with this anymore... Don't know what to do. A part of me says to again try and cut all contact. Gonna make a decision after the party this week. I miss you so much. So mad I didn't answer that FaceTime call that night. You kept calling back to back and I ignored them all. Really wondering what you were thinking that night. I hate this s---. Hate that something simple becomes something difficult. Wondering if I should have taken your mom and cindy's advice and fight for you. I don't want to have to fight for love. That's something that should be given freely.

 

I'm mad at myself for allot of things. I hate how things are now. so unhappy.

[Roselynn1]

Last night I planned on ignoring your call. It's a good thing you called again. Conversation was good. For the first time we're actually starting to communicate. you're starting to understand me, I'm starting to understand you better too. I don't know, we'll see how things go.

 

You don't know what a crappy day I was having yesterday but hearing from you made me feel better. So confused about what to do sometimes, was thinking we go 90 days NC. Your response to that was "you sure know how to mess something up. Just relax." And you're right, we've been there done that. At this point it's all about communicating and seeing where this goes. I need more nights like the one recently where we sat on the livngroom floor holding each other and just talking. So simple yet so special.

[Roselynn1]

Sleepless nights are back... So confused about what's going on now. I can't take this up and down stuff... Think I will just "mess something up". Tired of this s---. Don't wanna go into a new year going thru this. I paid for a dating site and don't even go on to check cuz all I do is think of you. Why is something simple becoming complicated? Either you wanna be with me or you don't. You not gonna keep stringing me along... I don't need to be friends.... You don't need to worry about me and come check on me... this all needs to stop. I'm gonna do it next week...Merry Christmas babe!

[Roselynn1]

You know I wrote you a letter today... 5 pages. Thought it was a good idea as I was writing it but now I'm not so sure. Something tells me not to send it. I don't know what to do anymore or how to act. You're mad and you're punishing me, I know that's what you're doing. I kinda get it a little but that's not right. All you see is what I did, what about the s--- you did?! I have forgiven you. When you love someone you forgive them. But why are you mad all a sudden about stuff that happened long ago??

 

I'm thinking you no longer love me. Nope, you say "I'm always going to love you." I'm starting to hate hearing that. So do you love me like you love your friends? That old I love you but not in love with you thing? Nope, you say "No, I love you. When Renee called and was worried about you, I pulled over and was coming to check on you. Didn't care about work or anything else. Just you." So why are you acting like this???

 

I want to block you again. Blocking you helped so much cuz for all i know while blocked you were calling but when you're not blocked I know for a fact that you're not calling and that bothers me. But Renee and J said not to cuz you already think I don't care and this would just make it worst. I hate leaving you unblocked and not hearing from you, it drives me nuts! I don't know what's going on in your head. We had a good conversation Friday night and now you're back to acting funny. And yea, I spoke to J too. Sometimes when I can't speak to you I reach out to our mutual friends. J said you're just probably going thru a selfish phase now. Um does that even mean?!

 

I can't chase you cuz that's not me and I don't think chasing someone ever works. So it seems I'm left with just not initiating contact and being selective in responding to the text you'd send. The way I'm feeling now, I don't even know if I'll ever hear from you again. so you will not hear from me. Gonna try and stop thinking about you and go check out these online men emailing me.

[Roselynn1]

So all day Saturday and not a peep from you and now 7:30 on Sunday you wanna text someone. Nah, I'm good. The more I think about it the more I think I'm gonna start ignoring your azz. I love you but you not gonna play with my feelings. What are you bored or something? I'm not some toy you pick up and play with when you want. There was a time you spent the entire weekend with me. Now I'm your Sunday night wyd chick? Nope, not me. I have your text alerts on silent so you will never get a quick response cuz unless I see it come thru I won't even know about it.

 

I need to get over you. Haven't done ish all day cuz just moping around. I had a the contractor over here today working on the closet, so had to move everything out of the room. So everything is a damn mess right now. So instead of moping my butt should have been putting stuff back. But no all day just BS online. Thinking about you just leaves me unmotivated. I know I keep saying this but not trying to go into next year doing this.

 

Had quite a few hits from the dating site but I'm just not interested. I know if I met any of them it wouldn't be right. Unlike you, I'm not gonna drag anyone else into this and use them to distract myself.

 

Thinking for the new year youre gonna be blocked again. And too bad if your little feelings are hurt. I don't care.

[rtyu4567]

Thinking of you Chica....hang in there. New Year will be better and you will be even stronger. You're on your way. There some ups and downs now but stay in awareness as you have been and stay strong. 😄