Seven months for nothing

[Maddyb12]

Hello all.. Been a while since I have been able to get the courage to log back on her but I find myself heart broken all over something I probably shouldn't even be effected by.

 

I met someone through match and for seven months we have talked everyday, video chatted (not a catfish) we live about an hour and a half from me. Long story short we both have crazy busy schedules and our "relationship" primarily was via texting and phone calls which caused the main issues here.

He kept saying his schedule would change soon and he would have more time to see me etc. he hasn't had a girlfriend since Highschool (he's 26) he's unhappy with his job and generally doesn't know how to be with someone. The last month we've fighter significantly over our amount of contact, I expressed if we weren't able to see eachother I needed daily communication he thought otherwise. We just don't see eye to eye on this. At this point I've become an annoyance to him and he's just hurting me. Tonight we ended things well I ended it with him citing that I need more and though I believe he's not seeing anyone else and that he's genuinely busy I feel if he cared enough he could make more of an effort to help us work. He was sad when I ended it and tried to fight it but in trying to stay strong because I know I deserve to find someone who is willing to make an effort with me.

 

All I wanted was for him to care about me enough to call me every night but he sees this as me being insecure that we don't need to communicate everyday. Maybe I'm wrong but I feel if we aren't spending quality time together then I need to text more because it's all I have to go off of. Anyways I guess what's done is done I ended it and am going to leave him be. I'm not sure why this is hitting me so hard or why it hurts so bad but it just does. For whatever reason he is the only guy I want. If he had just given me a real chance I know we could be happy.

 

I'm not really sure the purpose of this post I guess I'm just so hurt and I don't even really know why. We don't have real memories or experiences so this should be easy but it's not. All I want is to be with him but he's not willing to make a real effort so I know I need to move on. Maybe this is just me venting I'm not sure but any advice or insight is appreciated.

[notalady]

My advice would be don't date someone so far away where you can't even meet regularly. Especially not to spend such a long time on such a "relationship".

 

If you can't meet within a month or two (for long distance), move on. Although I wouldn't even recommend long distance. Look locally if you can.

[pippy longstocking]

There is no wrong or right here , two different people with two different needs . I would be your worst nightmare , my mobile phone is 7 years old , doesn't have internet , I haven't bought credit for 3 years , never charge it and more currently it fell behind my washing machine and I left it there .

 

I also would not be able to be with anyone who needed this texting stuff every day . Don't worry about it , it is a not a waste , everything is an experience and you had to be with him to know if you're compatible .

[SherrySher]

I see where you're coming from. It's tough to feel a connection with it being long distance and only having texts and calls. I think the main problem here is the distance and not being able to spend quality time together in person.

To be fair, I don't think you'd feel satisfied, even if you were calling and texting constantly, those things do not amount to a relationship.

It would probably work better if you found someone who lived where you do, just my opinion.

[Sportster2005]

You spend your money and you take your chances. You two just don't sound like a match. It's frustrating when you find someone you genuinely like, and it just doesn't happen. Especially when you spend some time getting to know them and get attached.

 

It just didn't go as you would have liked. Take some time to learn the lessons from this. If you don't learn anything, or gain some experience points from it, it will be a waste.

 

One thing I've learned and believe is, when people truly want to be with you, they will. We all have 24 hours a day, every day. We spend our time on what is important to us. Obviously work and school have to be high priorities because they are linked to our survival. But how someone spends their discretionary time tells you what's important to them. And secondly, if someone is too busy, or too far away, do you really want them? You will find men that live closer by and who will make serious effort to be with you.

 

Good luck. This too shall pass.

[Sportster2005]

There is no wrong or right here , two different people with two different needs . I would be your worst nightmare , my mobile phone is 7 years old , doesn't have internet , I haven't bought credit for 3 years , never charge it and more currently it fell behind my washing machine and I left it there .

 

I also would not be able to be with anyone who needed this texting stuff every day . Don't worry about it , it is a not a waste , everything is an experience and you had to be with him to know if you're compatible .

 

So that's why you never answer !!

[Edmund Exley]

So that's why you never answer !!

 

Just PM her here mate, that's how you get hold of her!

[pippy longstocking]

So that's why you never answer !!

 

 

oh no

 

* throws lap top off knee and falls over self getting behind the washer hahaha

 

give it an hour sporty

[Wiseman2]

Excellent! It was high time to end this. After 7 mos and only 1.5 hrs away he refuses to meet? Maybe not a catfish but clearly hiding something.

 

Sorry you wasted all this time on someone who refused to meet and strung you along.

 

Next time meet asap or cut your losses. When someone who only lives within an easy driving distance away won't meet there's a reason. Was he married?

seven months.we live about an hour and a half from me.Tonight we ended things

[limichelle]

My long distance boyfriend lives six hours away so I can see why him and I can't meet all the time. This guy only lived 1.5 hours away and had every excuse in the book not to see you or even meet you! It's a good thing you ended I agree with Wiseman even though you video chatted he could be married so catfishing you in some other way most likely. Good riddance to him you will find somebody closer.

 

Good luck,

Lisa

[DancingFool]

1.5 hours isn't long distance and there is simply no excuse for not meeting for months.

 

I think going forward, simply cut off guys who won't actively set up a date shortly after exchanging a few e-mails. Remember there is no such thing as online dating. Dating, relationships happen only in real life, face to face. Online dating sites only serve to introduce you to people. From there, you take it offline and into real life. If someone isn't willing to do that, drop them.

 

Your biggest red flag was that this guy hasn't had a gf since high school. That tells you right there that socializing, relationships, etc. are not a priority in his life. It actually sounds like he might have some social anxiety and other issues going on and therefore not a candidate for a relationship. It would be different if he had sorted himself out and was arranging dates instead of dragging his feet, giving you busy busy excuses, and telling you that talking is not that important to him. He was being honest in that part, btw. Ultimately, recognize that this wasn't about you, it was him not being willing to do what it takes to have a real life relationship. Your part in this is missing the red flags and continuing to talk to him for so long and treat him like a bf, even though there is no such thing as online bf. A friend, a pen pal sure. Boyfriend - NO.

[Hollyj]

You can't have a virtual relationship. It's not fulfilling for you. Plus, he is not very far. My ex lived an 1.5 hrs.away, and I saw him weekly.

 

You haven't even met this person. You don't know him. How do you not know if he isn't involved with someone?

 

I too, think it's strange that he hasn't had a gf since high school

[JaggerJim]

How come you never got in your car and drove over to see him? Did he not want you to?

[katrina1980]

Agree with DF, 1.5 hours by car is nothing. So his "busy" schedule is no excuse.

 

I used to drive 1 hour to/from work every single day. Lots of people do.

 

I vote for either social anxiety, commitment phobia or married/girlfriend.

 

Also agree with JJ, instead of pleading with him to text every day, I would have told him I would be in his neck of the woods on xxxxx day, and suggested we meet for coffee for 15 minutes.

 

Gauge his reaction.

 

If he hems and haws, immediately dump.

 

Do this within the first two weeks of chatting and don't allow yourself to become too invested until if/when you meet in person.

[JaggerJim]

Agree with DF, 1.5 hours by car is nothing. So his "busy" schedule is no excuse.

 

I used to drive 1 hour to/from work every single day. Lots of people do.

 

I vote for either social anxiety, commitment phobia or married/girlfriend.

 

Also agree with JJ, instead of pleading with him to text every day, I would have told him I would be in his neck of the woods on xxxxx day, and let's meet for coffee for 15 minutes.

 

Gauge his reaction.

 

If he hems and haws, immediately dump.

 

Do this within the first two weeks of chatting and don't allow yourself to become too invested until if/when you meet in person.

 

Do you drive? I just assumed you would. If you don't, well then of course seeing him was always going to be difficult. But As Katrina and DF say, putting in a little pushing to drive over there would have been your best indication if he was indeed hiding something.

[DancingFool]

Do you drive? I just assumed you would. If you don't, well then of course seeing him was always going to be difficult. But As Katrina and DF say, putting in a little pushing to drive over there would have been your best indication if he was indeed hiding something.

 

I wouldn't recommend playing the game of "look I'm in your area." Why bother? If someone is not willing to nail down a date with you, they are already showing you that they aren't worth your effort and attention. Why on earth would you want to sink more effort into that?

 

The thing about someone who is genuinely busy, is that they have no time to talk about how busy they are. They'll just tell you when they are available and make the date happen. If someone is constantly telling you how busy busy busy they are but not telling you when they are available, they are simply blowing smoke in your face. It doesn't matter why they are doing it. What matters is that you cut them off and walk away and stop wasting YOUR valuable time on them. That goes not just for romantic relationships, but for work, business, pretty much everything.

 

Busy busy busy = bs

[Maddyb12]

I genuinely believe he is busy, teaches, coaches a varsity team and a club team. I as well work 60 hours a week and go to school for 15 so the times to hang out etc are very limited but I was making an effort to try to plan something and he was dragging his feet. He's not married, no girlfriend we are friends on social media etc I genuinely believe that he isn't seeing someone else. I think he doesn't know how to have a relationship and isn't willing to make that a priority in his life. He can't handle it. We talked on the phone last night and he said "I don't even have time for myself" he sincerely is not happy with his current situation either working as much as he is but financially says he can't stop right now, I'm in that same boat so I understand. I even expressed that I understood we couldn't see eachother much but really once a month would have made me happy and i don't think that's high expectations or too much to ask for. I know he genuinely likes me but he doesn't have strong enough feelings to put in any work to make things better. I think that's what it comes down to.

 

As for showing up in his area asking to meet... I would never do that. I do have a life. All I wanted was him to make a little bit of an effort.

 

 

He's dated since Highschool but hasn't been in a "serious relationship" I find this strange too, I didn't know until recently.

 

Anyways... It's done and I just need to move on. Not sure why I'm having such a hard time with that.

[Wiseman2]

Interesting observation. That alone even without the 7mo. refusal to meet would be a deal breaker.

 

Make sure you are looking for love/dating/a relationship and taking care of your needs and your wants and not playing therapist to random internet weirdos..

I think he doesn't know how to have a relationship and isn't willing to make that a priority in his life. He can't handle it.

[katrina1980]

I wouldn't recommend playing the game of "look I'm in your area." Why bother? If someone is not willing to nail down a date with you, they are already showing you that they aren't worth your effort and attention. Why on earth would you want to sink more effort into that?

 

 

True but lately (within past few months) I prefer to cut to the chase, leave no stone unturned, the sooner the better! Instead of continuing to chat and allowing myself to become too invested.

 

Yeah I suppose I could assume if he's not asking to meet, then he's not interested, but knowing me, if I dumped him based on that alone, without my making an effort, I would always be second guessing myself -- what IF? (e.g. I had been more patient, he is genuinely busy, etc.).

 

I used to leave it all up to the guy, let HIM make all the decisions. Not into that anymore.

 

And if a guy can't devote a mere 15 minutes to meet for coffee, then I KNOW, without a doubt, he's full of BS, no matter how busy he "claims" to be.

 

JMO but it's a hell of a lot better and more productive than pleading with him to text me more often, THAT's for darn sure!

 

THAT I would never do.

[BigKK]

e-dating like this usually fizzles.

 

Keep it local, and stay off the video chat

[katrina1980]

e-dating like this usually fizzles.

 

Keep it local, and stay off the video chat

 

Funny you mention video-chat (Skype?).

 

I don't imagine I would like that much. I mean, how awkward, trying to have a fun, playful spontaneous chat while staring at each other on video.

 

I just think that would be really awkward.

 

Would much rather just email or talk on phone. Or meet in person!!

 

Lots of people go for that though (video-chat), especially if they're in different countries and/or are hundreds or thousands of miles away.

[SoulTaker]

I met someone through match and for seven months we have talked everyday, video chatted (not a catfish) we live about an hour and a half from me. Long story short we both have crazy busy schedules and our "relationship" primarily was via texting and phone calls which caused the main issues here.

 

Let's look at this in a different light. You both met on Match, which means that each of you had a profile. What did your profiles state? If your profile didn't list texting/video chatting as your goal for dating, then why are you involved with this person?

 

Don't get upset, or hurt over something which you did not plan for, or is in your best interests (listed in your profile). Do what you set out to do (dating in person). Don't let someone else dictate how you date.

[Tanzi]

I genuinely believe he is busy, teaches, coaches a varsity team and a club team. I as well work 60 hours a week and go to school for 15 so the times to hang out etc are very limited

 

Maddy, no-one is so busy that they can't see someone they are supposedly in a relationship with for a whole seven months. As much as I hate to say it, there really is no excuse big enough for that.

 

I think he doesn't know how to have a relationship and isn't willing to make that a priority in his life. He can't handle it.

 

Then he has no business in stringing you along and stopping you from forming a "real" relationship in the real world.

 

I even expressed that I understood we couldn't see eachother much but really once a month would have made me happy and i don't think that's high expectations or too much to ask for. I know he genuinely likes me but he doesn't have strong enough feelings to put in any work to make things better. I think that's what it comes down to.

 

Once a month is not too much to ask for ..... but it would have at least cemented how you felt about each other and made the relationship real. Liking you is one thing but he needs to be prepared to make an effort to see you otherwise you have nothing. There was a time when relationships were ONLY done in "real life". Nowadays, more and more, we are seeing people forming relationships via their computer and thinking that it's really OK that they haven't yet met. There's a lot to be said for holding hands, feeling someone's arms around you, feeling their lips on yours. You might be able to build a connection with someone over the internet but without any physical closeness you don't really have a "relationship".

[abitbroken]

Have you ever expressed interest in going to root the team he coaches on, and then joining him for dinner (the nights that the team doesn't all go somewhere together)? 75 hours a week of work and school is hard for him to work around if he is finished teaching at 2:30-3, has a game at 6:00, etc. Would you have ever considered driving out to root his team on one night and then meeting him for dinner after if its a home game (so he doesn't have to worry about getting the kids back to the school)? because he doesn't have time to run your way in the middle? Would he be willing to come your day on a weekend when there wasn't a game? Even if that meant that you needed to switch a shift?

 

I don't see this is one sided as far as who is at fault. I see a guy who is very set in his routine (and has a very admirable job) and is very committed to what he does and needs someone who is willing to work around that and I see a young woman who is too busy to have a relationship unless he lives really close by and is content for his dates to be just flopping on the couch at either place after she is finally home.

 

Nagging someone doesn't help anything get accomplished, either. You either are flexible around the team schedule or you are not, meeting him with a smile and a coffee. He is either willing to drive just for the chance of seeing his favorite person for an hour. Or he is not.

 

So I think its best to end this.

[katrina1980]

 

....and I see a young woman who is too busy to have a relationship unless he lives really close by..

 

 

Or HE makes all the effort, does all the initiating and comes to her.