"Living with" girlfriend for 4 months, but there are problems...

[Insomniacal]

My girlfriend lives at least 2 hours away. I currently live at home, but for the past 4 months have been staying with her frequently, long duration. I work from a laptop, so we spend 24/7 together, unless she's meeting up with friends, family, or working on a temporary project.

 

I have a toothbrush, I have clothes here, we spend months together. Trouble is, it seems like whenever things are going well, she "needs a few days to collect herself" and sends me packing.

 

We have been through a lot together. I ended a 4 year relationship, and she ended a 10 year friendship to be together. We've known each other for 3 years. We plan to move in together, in our own place. She is currently subletting one of her parent's properties.

 

She agrees things will be different when she's working more and has her own place, but I'm not sure I can sign a lease with someone who decides they "need space" every month or so, and used to kick me out every two weeks.

 

Part of the stress involved has been hiding, and now explaining our relationship to her sister and mutual friends of my ex. She hasn't told her mother, but I'm almost sure she's aware of or strongly suspects we've been seeing each other for some time.

 

She's afraid her mother will evict me if I'm found living with her. I would have no problem paying rent.

 

I will not be spending Thanksgiving, and probably not be spending Christmas with her. She has had several months to find a steady new job (her skill set is specialized but in demand), and basically get her posterior in gear to move out, but has stalled.

 

I have very much not enjoyed being kept secret, and think she's allowing herself to be henpecked by family. I'm upset and hurt I haven't had the opportunity to clarify my intentions to her family.

 

Am I overreacting to her need for space, or justified in being indignant every complaint she has could be solved by her finding full-time employment?

[Wiseman2]

Do you pay toward rent, utilities and food since you basically live there? Or are you just "staying a lot" as the bf then going "home" to your parents?

 

Why are you a secret from her family? Is it so they don't catch on that you are staying in their property this much? As you are aware if you co-sign a lease and co-pay rent no one can throw you out on a whim. Perhaps as her guest you overstay your welcome? The oddest part is that you are a secret.

 

Why does her part-time or underemployment hold you up? What it it holding you up from? Why can't you rent your own place?

I currently live at home, but for the past 4 months have been staying with her frequently, long duration. I work from a laptop, so we spend 24/7 together. We plan to move in together, in our own place. She's afraid her mother will evict me if I'm found living with her. I would have no problem paying rent. I will not be spending Thanksgiving, and probably not be spending Christmas with her.

[j.man]

I would have no problem paying rent.

You should be contributing regardless. No one should have to ask you. I'm not saying you need to be paying half as you're obviously lacking some rights in this situation, but having a rent-free crash pad outside of home and then giving your girlfriend gruff for needing time to herself takes some audacity. My hope is that you're at least fronting the utilities and keeping the fridge stocked. The fact you're a 24 hour presence in her home isn't a help, either. I'm sure it'd be a different story if she didn't know whenever she steps into the door, you're going to be right there.

 

And, on the topic of the fact you shouldn't have to be asked, you also shouldn't be depending on her to ask you to give her a few days space. Recognizing this is a recurring theme and taking some initiative to excuse yourself would go a long way.

 

How big is the unit? How long have you two been together?

[IAmFCA]

I am inferring that she doesn't pay rent; her resistance to moving is that it will cost her rent, which requires income, and she doesn't yet have an income.

 

Why should she pay rent at all, if her arrangement with family is giving her this incredible financial boost - the equivalent of tax-free income at better than minimum wage for zero hours worked? A boost that would benefit you both if you enter into a marriage (or its proxy). The only reason she is under pressure to move is to meet this goal of openly living together. Imagine that: you move in together, and still her parents don't approve. The only difference is they don't have the power to evict. Is that really how you want to advance your relationship with her and her family?

 

Solve this yourself. Get your own place in the vicinity of where she lives. You can work from any location, so what's it matter to you? Move out from home, get a small apartment on your own. Take the pressure off her to get a job, move out, and most importantly, to act in disrespect to her family's upbringing, values and approval.

 

If you marry, this early act of respect will pay off in spades. They may get over your living together, but they may not ever get over the fact that you put her in an ungraceful position.

 

Get your own place.

[Birdie]

You said you work from a laptop, so when you're with her are you at her place all the time? Do you go out to a coffee shop or anything to work?

 

Honestly...having the house to yourself every once in a while is great! I couldn't be in a relationship where I didn't get that time alone every now and then

[Wiseman2]

Yes this! Especially if you "work from your laptop from home" You can't sponge off parents and gf's forever especially if it's also your "office".

 

You are jeopardizing her tenancy with the family arrangement she has. Most property owners/landlords would have an issue with this and evict the tenant or charge for two people. Get out.

Get your own place.

[DancingFool]

Are you living with her at her actual invitation or it "just happens"? If you are living there at her specific invitation to be there and then she suddenly kicks you out.....I'd say that's a big red flag that maybe you two aren't that compatible and therefore not able to live together. Your constant presence is suffocating to her. Another reason I can think of is legal - she doesn't want you there so much at you start to have tenant rights even if you are not paying actual rent there.

 

Either way, the glaring problem is lack of communication about it. You are resenting it, but have you addressed with her what the issue is? Even if she just says that she just needs "me" time, there are other ways to work around that outside of her just kicking you out on a regular basis. Getting a place together isn't going to solve this issue and I wouldn't even consider it until that's been cleared up and you both have been able to have an honest and open chat and worked it out.

 

Not really clear why she is hiding her relationship with you from her family..... Definitely shouldn't be contemplating moving in together when your relationship is a secret.

 

You thinking that if only she gets a job all your problems will go away makes even less sense.

[lostandhurt]

I read your other thread.

 

She is your ex gf's best friend. You broke up with your gf and then started consoling and helping this woman through her depression and then one day you both admitted your long attraction to each other and started secretly dating.

 

Obviously she is not okay with other people knowing she is dating her best friends ex bf and that is why she keeps pulling back.

 

You are in your mid thirties so you are not a kid. Time to sit down and ask her what she wants to do. Be brave and ask the questions you may not want to hear the answers too.

 

If this is going to work you both have to be honest with your ex's and family and friends. Chances are most of them know or have a good idea you are seeing each other anyways.

 

Stop sneaking around. If it is good enough to be together then it is good enough for everyone to know!!!

 

Lost

[IAmFCA]

I read your other thread.

 

She is your ex gf's best friend. You broke up with your gf and then started consoling and helping this woman through her depression and then one day you both admitted your long attraction to each other and started secretly dating.

 

Obviously she is not okay with other people knowing she is dating her best friends ex bf and that is why she keeps pulling back.

 

You are in your mid thirties so you are not a kid. Time to sit down and ask her what she wants to do. Be brave and ask the questions you may not want to hear the answers too.

 

If this is going to work you both have to be honest with your ex's and family and friends. Chances are most of them know or have a good idea you are seeing each other anyways.

 

Stop sneaking around. If it is good enough to be together then it is good enough for everyone to know!!!

 

Lost

 

Do this. AND get your own - just you - place.

[Insomniacal]

Do you pay toward rent, utilities and food since you basically live there? Or are you just "staying a lot" as the bf then going "home" to your parents?

 

Why are you a secret from her family? Is it so they don't catch on that you are staying in their property this much? As you are aware if you co-sign a lease and co-pay rent no one can throw you out on a whim. Perhaps as her guest you overstay your welcome? The oddest part is that you are a secret.

 

Why does her part-time or underemployment hold you up? What it it holding you up from? Why can't you rent your own place?

 

I'm covering groceries and expenses where she lets me, and have offered to pay for more, which she always talks me out of.

 

I stayed for two weeks at a time, and a month and two weeks most recently, before she decided it was time for me to leave for a few days.

 

The "secret" part is because her family did not approve of her ending a 10 year friendship to date me. She says she's avoiding grief and lectures by family. Which is true: When she told her sister, it took 3 hours, 20 minutes of her being screamed at, and mediation from a mutual friend.

 

I can afford my own place, but am trying to decide where. I don't know if I want to relocate cross-county to pursue this.

[IAmFCA]

I'm covering groceries and expenses where she lets me, and have offered to pay for more, which she always talks me out of.

 

I stayed for two weeks at a time, and a month and two weeks most recently, before she decided it was time for me to leave for a few days.

 

The "secret" part is because her family did not approve of her ending a 10 year friendship to date me. She says she's avoiding grief and lectures by family. Which is true: When she told her sister, it took 3 hours, 20 minutes of her being screamed at, and mediation from a mutual friend.

 

I can afford my own place, but am trying to decide where. I don't know if I want to relocate cross-county to pursue this.

 

If that's the case, then I would certainly not ask her to further disrupt her life to accommodate you / your mutual desire to live together. You lost an ex who was your ex either way. She lost a best friend and invited the disapproval of her family, and now you are asking her to disrupt her living situation and take on a rent expense. This is completely one sided - she has suffered enough destruction already. She made her own choices. But you were complicit in them. Out of love and empathy, I would hope you want to find every solution that helps her heal her relationships. This woman has lost the people closest to her, the people to whom she would turn if your relationship ends and from whom she would normally get joy in the day-to-day of life -- all so she can be with you. That's one heck of a way to help her recover from depression.

 

It is incumbent upon you to suggest ONLY those paths forward that minimize further destruction to her support system.

[reinventmyself]

My girlfriend lives at least 2 hours away. I currently live at home, but for the past 4 months have been staying with her frequently, long duration. I work from a laptop, so we spend 24/7 together, unless she's meeting up with friends, family, or working on a temporary project.

 

I think I dated you and yes, I too needed my space at times. I don't think that's a bad thing. I do believe the 24/7 is not healthy.

Why is the only time you are apart is when she has something to do. Do you have anything outside of this relationship?

[Wiseman2]

This has "doomed" written all over it. Don't move to her. Just get your own place and stop living off the parents.

 

The secret thing sounds like made up drama and more likely due to your overstaying there.

I can afford my own place, but am trying to decide where. I don't know if I want to relocate cross-county to pursue this.

[j.man]

Honestly, dude? Mid-30s and bouncing between your parents' place and your girlfriend's pad despite being a working adult who can afford your own place? I'd highly encourage you getting your own place as well. You'll have a hard time earning any partner's respect.

[IAmFCA]

This has "doomed" written all over it. Don't move to her. Just get your own place and stop living off the parents.

 

The secret thing sounds like made up drama and more likely due to your overstaying there.

 

Well, 2 - 3 hours is NOT cross country, and he's been there for a four month stretch already. That use of language suggests at least some of this drama originates from the OP, as does his apparent positioning of the GF into a no-win position.

 

Move SOMEWHERE, OP. If to her vicinity, move there and establish your own roots. Think about boundaries, habits that enable a lifelong partnership to flourish. Read John Gottman's work, or others, about how to live together BEFORE you make such a big move.

[abitbroken]

You are not living together - you are spending the night and then not leaving. I honestly would pack up my clothing and go home. Or leave the toothbrush. She can always toss it if you never come back. If you want to go on a date - meet in the middle. or stay for the weekend and then leave Sunday night after a nice dinner so that you can meet with some clients. You are basically hiding out together. And she knows this relationship is ill gotten. You left your ex to be with her best friend. She has got to feel slimey and rotten for betraying her friend - maybe not at first, but now she might. And I wouldn't blame her parents, who probably regarded your ex as a daughter or at least a close friend of their daughter to not want to be party to this.

 

You guys made a mess. I would go home, and see if you can bear to date eachother and be seen in public together. And if you can't you have your answer.

[Insomniacal]

If that's the case, then I would certainly not ask her to further disrupt her life to accommodate you / your mutual desire to live together. You lost an ex who was your ex either way. She lost a best friend and invited the disapproval of her family, and now you are asking her to disrupt her living situation and take on a rent expense. This is completely one sided - she has suffered enough destruction already. She made her own choices. But you were complicit in them. Out of love and empathy, I would hope you want to find every solution that helps her heal her relationships. This woman has lost the people closest to her, the people to whom she would turn if your relationship ends and from whom she would normally get joy in the day-to-day of life -- all so she can be with you. That's one heck of a way to help her recover from depression.

 

It is incumbent upon you to suggest ONLY those paths forward that minimize further destruction to her support system.

 

I didn't suggest moving in together. She suggested it as part of a plan of moving forward, and something she's wanted to do for years as part of becoming more independent, and having to rely less on people who do not support her decisions.

 

She cited this relationship as a reason for her to finally do it. If this sounds one sided, even her therapist agrees she would benefit from becoming more independent, and breaking a codependent cycle of family trying to "fix her life."

 

For instance, the last major life problem they tried to "fix" was expressing extreme disapproval of her spending 50+ hours a week at a job when she was saving for a house.

 

By the way, necessary info: Her mother is selling her house, and will be moving into the property she's currently subletting within the next year.

 

She does not want to live with family, and is ready to buy a house, but needs to return to full time employment to cover the mortgage.

 

This is less about me demanding she move in with me, and more about seeing her continue to make the progress she wants to make instead of moping about the house.

[Insomniacal]

My girlfriend lives at least 2 hours away. I currently live at home, but for the past 4 months have been staying with her frequently, long duration. I work from a laptop, so we spend 24/7 together, unless she's meeting up with friends, family, or working on a temporary project.

 

I think I dated you and yes, I too needed my space at times. I don't think that's a bad thing. I do believe the 24/7 is not healthy.

Why is the only time you are apart is when she has something to do. Do you have anything outside of this relationship?

 

I lost most of my social circle during the breakup. Almost all of my friends were mutual friends with my ex.

[IAmFCA]

That is helpful background information.

 

Her path is to become more independent and break patterns of codependency. Your choices contribute to her health when you establish for yourself better boundaries and enforce them on yourself even though she doesn't.

 

Of course she doesn't - codependent family so boundaries aren't her skill set. Make sure you're not trampling over them as her family does. Sorry to draw that parallel, but it is her home, ultimately, and she wants you there, clearly. She also is conflicted, clearly.

 

Flip the script. Refuse to stay for an extended period, because it ISN'T your home, with your memorabilia, your friends down the street, your opportunity to invest in your community, relationships, volunteer work, family, friends. No. You are a ghost there, except to her. That's not fair to either of you.

 

If independence is her path, then respect that. See that you have become dependent on her also. Change that. Live down the street in a rental and date each other. Give yourselves a normal starting point. It can change things. "Once we lived in the same town,thats when it really felt real" etc. A separation from the messy, indulgent, hurtful past and a new present. A present when each of you first requires of yourselves independence before you join households.

[Insomniacal]

Well, 2 - 3 hours is NOT cross country, and he's been there for a four month stretch already. That use of language suggests at least some of this drama originates from the OP, as does his apparent positioning of the GF into a no-win position.

 

Move SOMEWHERE, OP. If to her vicinity, move there and establish your own roots. Think about boundaries, habits that enable a lifelong partnership to flourish. Read John Gottman's work, or others, about how to live together BEFORE you make such a big move.

 

I've stayed 2 weeks at a stretch for the past four months, going home for a few days in between. This last stretch lasted 1 month.

 

A "no win position" would be signing a lease on an apartment, and being told I need to leave for a few days every few weeks.

[IAmFCA]

You are in NO WAY in a no win position. The way you are living - its rootless. You lost your old social circle - presumably because it was dependent on your last gf. And you're not making a new one, which is your responsibility. You stay for two weeks and have no life outside of her, and no opportunity to make your own life.

 

Do you see how you making choices that make you dependent on her? And then being bitter when she wants independence? Do you see how you telling her to move out is not that different from her family telling her to work less?

 

Just go home. Big deal. She wanted to live with you. Great! When you both are able to support a living situation independent of adult support, and when you are able to see and unwind ways you are using each other as limiting factors instead of recognizing your choices - in other words, when you see and break tour own codependent patterns - THEN move in together.

 

Until then, say to your gf, "I would like to live with you too. Let's live in the same town first. Do you have any interest in starting from scratch in my town? If not, I'll move to yours and get my own place. You get your own place. Your doc said independence is a good next step for you, and I am concerned that if we are in one house, i will impede your independence. So let's get stronger together but in separate homes. Let's make sure we have the skills it takes to be in relationship. Time invested now will help us later."

[IAmFCA]

Your words reflect a tone of anger. Why are you angry? Because you want to live there full time and she says no? That hurts, i guess, especially if you think its a rejection of you.

 

She hasn't broken up with you. She isn't ready to live together, despite her words. Neither are you, given the resentment that is building within you. Try to understand you have choices that promote a more stable future. Living together now is not one of them.

 

Also, take responsibility for your choices all along the way, for they contribute to the situation you are in now. Try empathy instead of resentment. And if that doesnt work, go home, meet a friend for a game of pool, and put this in perspective.

 

 

What does your therapist say?

[Ms Darcy]

She does not want to live with family, and is ready to buy a house, but needs to return to full time employment to cover the mortgage.

 

This is less about me demanding she move in with me, and more about seeing her continue to make the progress she wants to make instead of moping about the house.

 

You might be one of the least self-aware posters I have seen in a while.

[Insomniacal]

You might be one of the least self-aware posters I have seen in a while.

 

This might be the most useless response I've ever seen to questions on an advice forum, including Yahoo answers.

[Ms Darcy]

This might be the most useless response I've ever seen to questions on an advice forum, including Yahoo answers.

 

You have had very precise responses from Lost and ITIC and completely deflected any responsibility to your gf.

 

I mean, yes you probably lost your friends in large part because they were your ex's friends. But you seem unaware that another part of that loss could be that they lost respect for what you have done.

 

You have plenty of answers. What you need is a kick in the butt to stop mooching off others in your 30s and get your own place.