Recently started seeing someone who has bipolar

[Pretzel]

Hi all,

 

I thought i would ask the ENA community if anyone has any experience with dating or getting into a relationship with someone who has been diagnosed with bipolar, and is on medication for it.

 

I was very nervous at first to start dating a guy, very recently, who told me and my friend at the outset that he's just started medication several months ago for bipolar, that has been effective and he's noticed more stability and he doesn't know 'who to be' anymore since he has become more stable. This was my first conversation with him, in a bar where my friend and I noticed him having a beer by himself and welcomed him to join us. He was otherwise friendly, social and interesting and polite, and I enjoyed his company.

 

I was freaked out a little by his revelations though, so despite a connection, i held back from responding to his text to meet again after we exchanged numbers that night. Several weeks later i changed my mind. I thought maybe i shouldn't judge purely because of that, and asked if it's not too late i would like to meet for a drink.

 

So then we met, we hit it off, started dating. I asked him a little about bipolar and how it affects him, I did get some insight which was good. I then decided not to make it a factor or issue anymore and continued dating him. I wanted to just forget about it so it doesn't interfere with my enjoyment of exploring things.

 

However, every now and again I wonder if I should be more cautious or mindful. How much does it 'consume' him? I have put it aside now as an issue and don't consider it anymore, but is that naive of me? He only just started this medication 6 months ago, it's a fairly new chapter in his life it seems.

 

Also, despite learning a lot about the condition, and how it has affected him as an individual, I still don't know how it effects his behaviour in relationships or dating. One thing I have noticed in him as being different to previous guys I have dated is that it's all become very intense very quickly. Is this something I should be worried about? I am rebounding a bit from my ex, so i wasn't looking for anything serious, i was just scoping things out a bit. But he has gotten into it quite quickly, gotten quite deep and full on very fast. Part of me enjoys it, but part of me is wondering if the intensity of how much he is into me and becoming close to me so quickly is normal.

 

Any experiences you've had that are similar would be great to learn about.

 

Thanks

[Hermes]

"every now and again I wonder if I should be more cautious or mindful"

 

Yes.

 

and yes again to being cautious.

 

....is that it's all become very intense very quickly. Is this something I should be worried about?

 

But he has gotten into it quite quickly, gotten quite deep and full on very fast

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately bipolar disorder is not a simple toenail fungus that has no impact and is cured with treatment.

 

Bipolar can be effectively treated and managed however many go off their medications because of what you described...they don't feel like themselves and miss the manic highs.

 

You won't know this is happening until it's too late. Also alcohol interferes with the effectiveness of treatment.

 

Too much too soon is a red flag regardless of mood disorders, however it takes two to do that, so set your pace and parameters. It would be best to educate yourself independently of his experiential descriptions.

he doesn't know 'who to be' anymore since he has become more stable. I noticed him having a beer by himselfOne thing I have noticed in him as being different to previous guys I have dated is that it's all become very intense very quickly. But he has gotten into it quite quickly, gotten quite deep and full on very fast

[ArtyO]

"every now and again I wonder if I should be more cautious or mindful"

 

Yes.

 

and yes again to being cautious.

[/i]

 

I agree. I had a strange on-again, off-again on-line friendship/relationship with a woman who is bi-polar. I currently have her blocked on FB and haven't been in contact with her for a couple months now. She had massive emotional swings, would be excited and happy to talk to me, then very critical the next. Nothing me, nor anyone she dated was good enough. I got sick of the pattern.

 

It didn't help that she was a compulsive liar and a self-admitted alcoholic. Even when we weren't really in contact she would send bizarre text messages to my phone late at night telling me to come see her so I could make her pregnant. She was very unbalanced.

 

All that to say. Yes be very cautious. It could be a very destructive relationship if you're not careful.

[Pretzel]

Thanks for your replies and sharing experiences.

One thing I have to say is that when i say he's gotten intense or deep very fast, it's not been in a dysfunctional manner, he's just been very clear and expressive in the connection he feels and the fact he's compelled to see me, that's why I couldn't figure out if he is just extremely into me, and expressing it without holding back, which is maybe just a nice thing and I should enjoy it OR if it's unhealthy because of it being so indulgent. I am not yet sure. But, I have been actively curtailing this... e.g. He suggested getting away this weekend, and I simply said "it's way too soon for that". And a bunch of other things I've eased out more rather than jump into a whirlwind. Maybe I'm putting a damper on his enthusiasm and romantic energy, but this is my sensible side trying to balance the situation. He's never argued with me or expressed annoyance when I've done this, he's been respectful and understanding of my boundaries. If he had gotten annoyed then for sure I would have walked away, as I wouldn't tolerate any pressure. It is just his keenness and diving in deep that had me taken aback. He has commented on the fact that I am on the other hand "extremely guarded" and "the most guarded person he's ever met".

[j.man]

Never have and never will. Completely prejudicial on my part, I know. I'm sure there are many great people who are bipolar and who are diligent with managing it, living in very healthy relationships.

 

One thing that concerns me is I see medication, but I don't see therapy. Is he taking one and not the other?

[Pretzel]

That's a good question and one i asked only just last night. He said he used to have regular therapy, throughout the years. That some therapsists were more effective than others. But it's not really regular anymore- his most recent psychiatrist who prescribed the current medication 6 months ago only sees him quarterly, to check up on things and see how he's doing basically. He said he last saw him 3 months ago.

I should add that, had he not told me any of this I would never have guessed, that's why I'm trying not to judge, but it's a difficult one as instinctively you want to protect yourself from any possible instability.

[Wiseman2]

Agree. It sounds like his therapy is sitting in bars, drinking beer, picking up women. Yes hyper-sexuality and intensity are all part of it. You have a right to "judge" but seem to be enjoying this too much to want to see clearly.

 

However it sounds like you've gotten caught up in the typical infectious 'high' to soothe your own recent breakup. Keep it casual because what goes up must come down. The "guarded" statement is to break down boundaries so he can go full steam ahead in manic mode.

he's just been very clear and expressive in the connection he feels and the fact he's compelled to see me. He suggested getting away this weekend It is just his keenness and diving in deep that had me taken aback. He has commented on the fact that I am on the other hand "extremely guarded" and "the most guarded person he's ever met".

High energy and excessive activity

Overly good mood

Fast, erratic talking

Racing thoughts

Inability to concentrate

Little need for sleep

Feelings of power

Poor judgment

Reckless spending

High sex drive

Alcohol or drug abuse

Aggression

Refusal to admit that there is a problem

[Hermes]

OP.

 

" I would never have guessed, "

 

Of course you wouldn't......until it became too late.

 

.....he doesn't know 'who to be' anymore since he has become more stable."

[Unreasonable]

I have bipolar disorder. I have not had any hospitalizations for it for 16 years, been married for 22, and have been working steadily for the last 8, with some difficulties before that. Today's medications for the disorder can be very effective, you just need to find the right cocktail. It is possible to be completely "normal" with bipolar disorder (if there is such a thing as "normal").

 

However, not everybody is the same. Not every case is as severe. Not everybody has the same support system. Not everybody has the same desire to be "normal", in fact, some people don't "feel like themselves" on medication and refuse to take it.

 

You are never going to get a "one size fits all" answer as to how it affects relationships, because everyone is different. He could be fine, he could be a mess.

[tattoobunnie]

One of my bestie is Bi-Polar, but has been medicated since I've known her for 20 years. No issue. Zero issue.

 

But the fact that this guy just now started on meds, makes me wonder what he's been doing all these years prior.

[Unreasonable]

But the fact that this guy just now started on meds, makes me wonder what he's been doing all these years prior.

I wasn't even diagnosed until I was 30. It can manifest in a severe way later in life. As least half after the age of 25. Nobody knew Britney was bipolar until she shaved her head. I'm guessing "something happened" that started the medication process.

[tattoobunnie]

Gosh - never knew! My first great love was manic-depressive bi-polar schizophrenic...and that wasn't the reason why we broke up. His schizophrenia didn't kick in till his early thirties that he was aware of. Probably brings up a good point to research this, and talk to him about it.

 

Granted, my guy was pre-"Just Google It".

[pippy longstocking]

I wasn't diagnosed till I was 44 ...and yep it was whole host of pretty traumatic life experiences that manifested mine.

 

op there is bi polar 1 and 11 , do you know which ?

[sophie274]

I'm quite shocked by some of the negative stereotypes coming out here, like for example, making the leap that his therapy is sitting in bars and picking up women simply because that's how he and the OP met! I dare say one beer does not give him an alcohol problem - and the OP states herself that she asked him to join their table. As for hyper sexuality ... I did not see any mention of highly sexual behavior on this part. I'm sad to see how many are suggesting that this man is a ticking time bomb based simply on a diagnosis that he shared.

 

Psychotherapy is not a necessary component of management of bipolar disorder. It sounds like he has had lots of it in the past.

 

I think you will only have a good idea of how bipolar disorder affects his life in the long run. There are many people with bipolar disorder leading stable, high-achieving lives, and many with problems with stability ... as well as many people without any sort of diagnosed condition who have volatile lives and relationships. Time will tell, and just as in any relationship, you need to gather evidence as you go along and work out whether this is someone you might be compatible with. Moving fast in the beginning has evidently already raised a bit of a warning sign with you. I think it's a leap to attribute this to his diagnosis as moving too quickly in a relationship is incredibly common and one of the most common complaints on this board. In general, I don't think it's useful to box his behavior into "bipolar disorder behavior" and "not bipolar behavior" as you are not his psychiatrist - all you need to do is see him as he is, and decide as you get to know him better whether you think he seems to be a good match for you.

[Wiseman2]

Has the National Institutes of Health changed it's recommendation for the standard of care for bipolar disorder? is not a necessary component of management of bipolar disorder.

[Ms Darcy]

There are red flags for me that would have made me run away.

 

The fact that he has bipolar is a concern. BUT the real dlag is how he overshared so much with you as a stranger from the beginning.

[reinventmyself]

Thanks for your replies and sharing experiences.

One thing I have to say is that when i say he's gotten intense or deep very fast, it's not been in a dysfunctional manner, he's just been very clear and expressive in the connection he feels and the fact he's compelled to see me, that's why I couldn't figure out if he is just extremely into me, and expressing it without holding back, which is maybe just a nice thing and I should enjoy it OR if it's unhealthy because of it being so indulgent. I am not yet sure. But, I have been actively curtailing this... e.g. He suggested getting away this weekend, and I simply said "it's way too soon for that". And a bunch of other things I've eased out more rather than jump into a whirlwind. Maybe I'm putting a damper on his enthusiasm and romantic energy, but this is my sensible side trying to balance the situation. He's never argued with me or expressed annoyance when I've done this, he's been respectful and understanding of my boundaries. If he had gotten annoyed then for sure I would have walked away, as I wouldn't tolerate any pressure. It is just his keenness and diving in deep that had me taken aback. He has commented on the fact that I am on the other hand "extremely guarded" and "the most guarded person he's ever met".

 

I can relate to this style of thinking and it's the very thing that will get you in trouble. Though he is intense and fast tracking things, you fool yourself by saying if you manage your end everything evens out. But it's not the way it works ultimately. You managing your part doesn't balance the responsibility for the both of you.

 

I got into another controlling relationship naïvely thinking `well, no one can control me now' If I just manage my end it will be ok. No and no. I managed my end alright, but I just that much more of challenge for a controlling person. It never changed who he is.

 

I commend you for holding you own, but it is only half of the equation and it doesn't change his unhealthy desire to attach to you quickly (if that's what's indeed happening)

Continue to manage yourself but don't stop watching the other persons behavior. They are all very important clues, especially this early on.

 

As far as recently being on meds.

It might be interesting to know what his life was life before them. He may very well be developmentally behind in some areas emotionally if he was busy managing being bipolar.

[sophie274]

Has the National Institutes of Health changed it's recommendation for the standard of care for bipolar disorder? ]

 

As I'm sure you know since you posted the link, this is not a recommendation for the standard of care, but one scholarly review article. A quick search reveals many articles, many of which reach a different conclusion. I do not think we can see it is a red flag that e is by in therapy, nor that his condition is not being appropriately treated.

[BP Girl]

I was diagnosed with BPD 15 years ago, and have managed to function normally and maintain a happy married life for the last 11 years. Everyone has different strengths and weaknesses when it comes to romantic relationships, or relationships of any kind. I think the fact that he is coming on a bit strong early on has nothing to do w his being bipolar. It's more of a personality trait that anyone could possess, regardless of his mental health. The one bit of advice I can offer, though, is to be mindful of any drinking or recreational drug use in which he may partake. Use of certain mind-altering chemicals, particularly in conjunction w his meds, could be detrimental to controlling his symptoms. I'd ask him about his sexual history, too, as many manic-depressives have a tendency to engage in risky sexual behavior (during manic episodes). I know as I've engaged in two affairs thanks to the incredibly potent effects of alcohol and marijuana on my state of mind (hyper sexuality). I was so careless with one partner that I even failed to use protection. Subsequently I gave up alcohol, which put a stop to the manic hyper sexuality that nearly ended my marriage (to an amazingly supportive husband). Bottom line: give this guy a chance, but try to communicate openly about his med regimen and any drug/alcohol habits, if he indulges at all.

[Pretzel]

Thank you all for taking the time to write to me. It's been enormously helpful, and yes, I do think those who said that I'm trying to work out which aspects of his personality are part of the bipolar and which are not are probably bang on- I was trying to see where the line is, between him and the bipolar, as it's new territory for me. I think it's probably true that, regardless of this condition, he might just be this way because its just him being the type who dives in quite fast. I have decided in my mind now to give this a chance.

I talked about it with my therapist (i see a therapist also, a new thing! Since i had some trouble in my previous relationship that ended i started seeing one) and she advised that it seems like following my recent breakup i may be going with this because its a fast-track to intimacy, but that if i'm enjoying it it may not necessarily be a bad thing. I explained a lot of reasons why i liked him, and she pointed out it appears to be due to his high levels of empathy and consideration over things that have come up and she said that manic depressives or those who have had episodes and now treated generally tend to be able to tend to tap into higher levels of empathy because of the ranges they experience(d).

 

She advised I should ask him if we could slow things down a bit if I feel its too quick.

 

So i was going to do that, but then to my surprise HE was the one that brought it up before i could. We were hanging out all of Sunday and had a great time and he looked sad for a moment, i asked what he was thinking and he said "i'm really enjoying myself, i'm not sure what this is between us, but i'm having a good time and i dont want to stop, but i just got sad for a moment thinking i really like you and I dont want to hurt you". My response: "Well then, don't!" There wasn't much he could say to that. But I did ask why would think he would hurt me, and he said 'it's going at a very fast pace with us, and im worried if i dont it will just crash somehow'. And he said 'it seems like you're more ready for something more than i am' (he was referring to having recently ended a long term relationship with his ex, who lives abroad and the long distance relationship just failed on them a couple of months ago, he broke up with her). He then carried on to reemphasize that he wants to continue doing what we are doing. A little moment of confusion for me, but glad I am going on holiday for 2 weeks on Friday which will allow for some space between us.

 

A part of me wondered if he was projecting a little as well, because we are getting quite close and he doesn't want to get himself either perhaps?

[Ms Darcy]

Stoo trying to psychoanalyze him. If you are going to stick around, own that you ALSO control whether the relationship goes fast or slow.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately it sounds like he's saying he likes you but he's not ready for a relationship.

i just got sad for a moment thinking i really like you and I dont want to hurt you". and he said 'it's going at a very fast pace with us, and im worried if i dont it will just crash somehow'. And he said 'it seems like you're more ready for something more than i am'

[Pretzel]

This hasn't come up since then, but I did ask him last night after a nice evening out if what he said 'is still something that he has thought about' and I asked if I should be worried. He said no, and that all he was trying to say is that he just "doesn't want to jeopardize things". I think what this means is that, as you said, he's not ready for a relationship, but also that he doesn't want to let that mean he stops exploring this.

 

I am ok with it for now, I don't want to put any pressure on that aspect of things (labels, etc.) as it is still early days. It's been a few weeks, and I'm enjoying the honeymoon stage which I haven't had with anyone new for years. But I do wonder if and when at what point I should flag up this relationship talk.

[Ms Darcy]

Just promise that if this ends you don't blame that on him being bipolar.