Confidence on dates and conversation

[Brokenheart99]

So I've kinda figured out why I'm having so much trouble getting past a first or second date. It's my confidence. Texting is easy bc I don't have to talk much and can have simple back and forth convo without talking too much. But in person, especially for guys who I might like or who I deem "better than me", ie they might have a better social life then me or just what I deem better than me, I lose all my confidence. And I don't know, I say things stupidly, the things I say...I'm looking for external validation, my insecurities show etc. And this might be a product of the last 8 years of my life, being single and shamed for it in my 30s, losing lots of friends to marriage/kids. So naturally I have a much smaller social circle and don't always have plans or things to do because my friends are all busy with their kids and spouses. So I look and feel like a loser on weekends. And when you live in a suburban city, it's hard to make new friends and everyone in your age group is already in a social circle/married. So I just feel like a loser, and it shows in my conversation, especially when I get asked basic questions like "what do you do on the weekends, are you going to sigh and such event, etc". My insecurities of not having a bigger social circle and feeling like a lame single loser are highlighted and I feel insecure. And the conversation just goes downhill from there.

 

How do you stay confident in conversation? I feel like I used to be a confident person before, but I lose all of that in dates, especially with normal, qualified guys and I come across like this introverted, needy, insecure, quiet girl. Basically because I look so insecure and unconfident, I portray myself in the worst light.

[wonderwall123]

As I am of different age, this may not be the most applicable but you need to start seeing YOURSELF as a perfect adversary for anyone you come across. You belong here on earth just like the person across from you, left of you ETC. Do not go into thinking someone is better than you or assume they are a social delight themselves. Do not give people too much credit and then downplay your own situation. Shift the paradigm and look through the world through a different looking glass. What are the positive character traits you deem valuable to yourself? What do you see in yourself that would delight a significant other? I KNOW there are some great traits that you hold and I know this because everyone here has positive traits. People tend to dwell on the negatives in life and in reality, for some reason, people are more comfortable (not happy) spending time thinking of the negatives, spinning in circles. I think you are coming into dates potentially with these negative thoughts beforehand and that no doubt plays a big role as to how your dates go. As for a social circle in a suburban area, maybe find some clubs or some other social things you could do to maybe build some confidence.

 

Next date, ask those questions to yourself over and over. You will find that there are some great things you have to offer and if you can share those things with time or show through mannerisms, I think you will start to see yourself getting to those multiple dates. I have no doubt you will find an amazing person eventually! Remember, shift your paradigm and look through a different looking glass. If you like to read, I suggest reading The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People as it will really change how you see life. I'm not saying you need life help but it can help change perspective. Nothing is a quick fix but it's worth trying for.

 

Good luck with everything.

[Matt3939]

I'd just continue being yourself that's what I do. I'm also getting older and have very few friends due to the same things. I'm sure you will find someone into you. Who cares if your answers aren't exciting. So what do you do on the weekends? Um I worked on my floor. I researched gateways. It doesn't have to be exciting. Dates are just awkward eventually you find someone who you are comfortable with. Good luck

[Brokenheart99]

Yea this is all good advice. It feels easy to be confident when you love yourself so you don't feel insecure about the stuff you say or need external validation. That's probably the issue. It sounds dumb but if I give myself a pep talk and remind myself I'm a catch etc, I do better on dates about being confident and social. But if not, I just go back to being the introverted quiet insecure girl I've become over the years. Just something I need to work on, thanks.

[notalady]

I think the obvious issue being you need to build a better social circle and do more things with your life, which will help not only in conversation but also help you become more confident in that you are an interesting person with lots going on in your life.

 

I would try meetup groups (meetup.com). There are lots of social groups and activity groups, whatever tickles your fancy. There's almost always activities to do on the weekend, every day of the week if you want to, which is an excellent way of meeting people and to have people to do activities with if you didn't want to do it alone.

 

I would suggest trying lots of new activities that you've not tried before or are interested in trying, go to local events (a lot of groups would organise these types of activities), pick up an old interest that you haven't done in ages.

 

To be honest, there's only so much you can do to make yourself sound interesting and living a full life when you are not, and positive self talk only helps so much. There is A LOT you can do to change your social life, all it takes is the willingness to do something and to start somewhere. I'm betting you will have a lot to talk about in terms of social activities and interesting stories etc once you start doing them.

[Matto85]

Yes make self fulfillment your only endgame and new friends and prospective relationships will be a by product. Also stop using your friends' marriages as a standard for your own self worth. Don't shame yourself or let others shame you for being single. I'm willing to bet part of the reason you're in your 30s and aren't married with kids(unless you have some) is cause you're also smart. You're probably attractive enough that you've had options you but willing to settle so you're winning in a way! im in exactly the same boat as you and I know some of my married friends would cut off their left arm to live my life for a day lol. Just focus on the benefits of being single. You have the opportunity to live a way more badass life! Also you should read "The Subtle Art of not giving a F***" it's actually a good read and has helped me out. hopefully it can do the same for you

[Maybach]

Dude, I've had the same problem with friends getting married or moving away for work and losing touch. You end up having a "void" and free time.

 

Have you thought of doing a competitive hobby like e-sports? My roommate and I can spend all hours of the weekend doing an Xbox marathon.

 

Once you start, you'd wish you have more time. All my gamer friends are single by the way.

[Matto85]

That one sentence was supposed to be "you're probably attractive enough that you've had options but weren't willing to settle" lol