I Fall Too Easy, Then I Fall Apart

[ClaireDarling]

I wasn't sure where to post this, but this seems like a pretty good start.

 

I'm a fairly lonely individual. I'm a transfer student. I have a few friends (all females) that I hang out with occasionally. Sometimes I just prefer to be by myself and then I wonder why I'm so lonely all the time.

 

But it's come to my attention that if a guy shows me any kind of attention, I fall way too fast. For example, just within the last few months, I'll start texting with a guy, we may or may not even meet up before I'm thinking about the what ifs. Like, I start to crave their attention and look forward to their messages and if there's any discrepancy, like they just have an unusually busy day and don't text me, I start getting irritated or sad or annoyed. And then I let out all of my feelings which usually sends them off right away.

 

This one guy I was talking to had a really long day at work and just didn't message me and I got super angry and told him that's not how friends treat each other and blah blah blah. Needless to say, he hasn't spoken to me since. And it's even worse if I like them. Which is usually what happens. I like them, crave for he attention, lash out, lose them.

 

And it's so stupid, but I don't know how to fix it.

 

Like, last night I stayed up pretty late talking to a guy and he asked me on a date. Today, that's all I've thought about and he just messaged me a "good morning" and I can already feel myself starting this cycle again. I don't want to keep messing things up that could potentially go well.

 

I've been diagnosed with depression and anxiety. I'm sure that has something to do with it, but I also feel as though I could have borderline personality disorder. All of the symptoms fit and I constantly ruin relationships because of the way I handle them. I always push people away before they can push me away.

 

What do I do?

[Hermes]

"I've been diagnosed with depression and anxiety"

 

Claire.

 

Are you getting professional help and therapy? Perhaps before embarking on any relationship it might be best to seek counselling.

[Wiseman2]

Are you self-diagnosing this or getting treatment/therapy for this? Not all dating disasters are due to mental health issues. Some people are just bored, lonely and impatient.

 

Try to develop more interests and stay busy with those and going to school/work,etc. Just go slow, accept the date and see what happens. Try not to use potential dates as text buddies or to fill your entire world.

last night I stayed up pretty late talking to a guy and he asked me on a date. Today, that's all I've thought about and he just messaged me a "good morning" and I can already feel myself starting this cycle again.

[Matt3939]

I know for me I concentrate on people. I dont see how its fare to like many then have to make a decision been there done that. The problem I think u r having is having to much expectations to fast. Maybe have a more layed back demeanor In the beginning. Considering you don't even know these people.

[ThatwasThen]

Are you in therapy for your depression and anxiety? If you are have you discussed this with your therapist? If you're not seeing one, why aren't you? It would be the best thing to help you overcome your D and A and talking to a therapist about your pre-mature attachment will help you to be able to have a more laid back demeanor in the beginning.

[foolish1985]

I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone on this boat. I feel the same way. I connect my experience to impatience and too many disappointments in the past. I also find it very hard to find a girl I like and get too involved too fast when I do find one, even before the actual girlfriend-boyfriend things start happening (if ever).

 

I am trying to control this by just making myself withhold from messaging them too often and overreacting. Considering that in today's times, each person has a different understanding of how things between a man and a woman are supposed to develop, it's very hard to know what the right thing is. This is why I am playing it safe. You can't control the other person. You only have control over yourself.

 

Next time you have the urge to go all emotional and drama-like, even though you have texted with the person twice before, just bite your lip and step away from the texting device. Everyone has their own life going and as I mentioned, we can not control that. We can only react to it.

[Galaxy88]

Hi claire! i can relate to you regarding this on so many levels. I also have bad anxiety, with slight moments or months where i will feel slightly depressed but i usually have situational depression. I've never been in a serious relationship with a guy before, i've only 'dealt' with them but it's never gone further enough into an actual real relationship. Whenever a decent looking guy shows me attention, i start to fantazise about him, leading to me being infatuated by him even though i barely know him. I know this derives from me never having a relationship, its obviously something i desire so when i become a little close to it, i become obsessed internally...but i never project this infatuation to a guy im gloating over luckily. But i think the main reason why you and people like me fall really fast for guys is because

A) we desire love, this mostly occurs in individuals who are hopless romantics

and B) its due to our insecurities..

we feel peculiar being alone because we don't like the status associated with it. You might not know this, but you probably need to love yourself more and once you do this you will actually naturally not cling anymore to these guys.

 

 

best tip- love yourself..however you may do it, just try

and never ever project your hositlity out on a guy for any reason such as not replying or whatever..you will scare them away because guys have a "attatchment radar" and will know if you are the type to get attatched.

 

 

for future, if you are ever dealing with a guy follow these steps

1. Dont stalk him on social media EVER..dont do it...unless he shows up without you intentionally searching for him

2. always know, that if whatever happens with this guy and if by chance it doesnt work out, know they are probably better guys than him.