It happened!! Ex wants to get back together

[AvaD21]

Let us know how it goes

[Thebighere]

I like to read peoples relationship problems and have read everything in this thread, not any others on this site yet. Your last post made me register. Simply because i wanted to say that you claim to be very happy, but then your last post says if youre not happy then theres no point in going back to something broken. Now im no expert and maybe you made a typo. But isnt that kinda contradictory? Mind you im younger and less traveled, but from what you said this guy is a saint and you kinda ruined a good thing. If possible try to be good in return and i think you can grow a beautiful family that would be one of a kind in this world. Just my opinion, i dont believe in NC, its cold hearted abuse that shows lack of care, interest, commitment and inability to handle oneself by choosing a cheap escape route.

 

Goodluck!

 

I think you misunderstand what i mean (or maybe i wasn't clear, i've been super busy and wrote that in a rush).

 

I'm saying i think for most reconciliations to work, its good for two things to have occurred:

 

1. Work on your self and make yourself happy through NC and self love (make yourself happy)

 

and

 

2. Realise that the relationship was broken in some way and thats why you broke up. One or both of you were not happy. (hence why i said -you need to see that the relationship was broken.) I think if you don't establish what the issue was and try and resolve it, the relationship won't work a second time around. I think NC is needed for this for the majority of people.

 

I don't see the contradiction in those two things

 

I'm saying you need to find out what the reason is that you broke up (in my case it was that i wasn't happy and i pushed him away and he didn't know how to allow me to express healthy feelings without feeling anxious). In my time apart i healed and worked on the things that i felt contributed to our break up.

 

I do think there is no point going back to a relationship that broke up unless both people have grown and changed. There needs to be growth or i think the relationship is doomed to repeat the same mistakes. Do you understand me now?

 

I am happy now, which is why i am willing to give things another shot (possibly). I wasn't horrible to him throughout the relationship. I was stressed and was hard on him. I've learnt from that experience.

 

I personally believe NC is vital in most cases.

 

Thank you.

[Thebighere]

I like to read peoples relationship problems and have read everything in this thread, not any others on this site yet. Your last post made me register. Simply because i wanted to say that you claim to be very happy, but then your last post says if youre not happy then theres no point in going back to something broken. Now im no expert and maybe you made a typo. But isnt that kinda contradictory? Mind you im younger and less traveled, but from what you said this guy is a saint and you kinda ruined a good thing. If possible try to be good in return and i think you can grow a beautiful family that would be one of a kind in this world. Just my opinion, i dont believe in NC, its cold hearted abuse that shows lack of care, interest, commitment and inability to handle oneself by choosing a cheap escape route.

 

Goodluck!

 

I've highlighted the bit in bold that i would like to address. I do think if a relationship truly ends (and i don't mean a small falling out, i mean broken up). I do think you can't go back. The relationship that you had ended.

 

I *do* believe in starting a fresh new relationship with your ex but that will be a new relationship not going back to the one that ended!

 

Thank you for the good luck and contribution! I've never been in this situation before so i don't know how things will go Care work is extremely hard ( i was not myself...i was terribly unhappy caring for a woman who was dying really broke me emotionally at the time). Its rarely one person who causes a breakup. My ex was not perfect but he is a good man. Both me and my ex made mistakes but if we are both willing to work hard, things may work

[Thebighere]

Let us know how it goes

 

Thank you! I certainly will

 

Excellent idea. How will you approach it?

 

The main parts are:

 

1. I want to know how his therapy went/is going. He said he wants to work on his communication skills and to be able to be supportive when his partner is in crisis. He was often hard to speak to. If i was stressed or upset he would shut down because it would affect him so negatively and he would become anxious. I think a strong couple need to support each other.

2. I want to know why he wants to reconnect.

3. What he feels has changed and why we would work this time around.

4. i need him to communicate what his wants and needs from me going forward (he struggled with communication when we were together near the end)

 

I am open to answering any questions he may have.

 

The last time we laughed and it felt amazing to catch up with him. I need to feel that spark

 

I don't want to get my hopes up. I will update no matter what happens for those who are interested.

 

Thanks again.

[racingfree]

hi Im really happy for you; do you mind sharing how long after the breakup did you hear from him and were you no contact the whole time?

 

you seem excited which is awesome. i hope things work out for you whether that be with your ex or not. best of luck

[Florida561]

I think you misunderstand what i mean (or maybe i wasn't clear, i've been super busy and wrote that in a rush).

 

I'm saying i think for most reconciliations to work, its good for two things to have occurred:

 

1. Work on your self and make yourself happy through NC and self love (make yourself happy)

 

and

 

2. Realise that the relationship was broken in some way and thats why you broke up. One or both of you were not happy. (hence why i said -you need to see that the relationship was broken.) I think if you don't establish what the issue was and try and resolve it, the relationship won't work a second time around. I think NC is needed for this for the majority of people.

 

I don't see the contradiction in those two things

 

I'm saying you need to find out what the reason is that you broke up (in my case it was that i wasn't happy and i pushed him away and he didn't know how to allow me to express healthy feelings without feeling anxious). In my time apart i healed and worked on the things that i felt contributed to our break up.

 

I do think there is no point going back to a relationship that broke up unless both people have grown and changed. There needs to be growth or i think the relationship is doomed to repeat the same mistakes. Do you understand me now?

 

I am happy now, which is why i am willing to give things another shot (possibly). I wasn't horrible to him throughout the relationship. I was stressed and was hard on him. I've learnt from that experience.

 

I personally believe NC is vital in most cases.

 

Thank you.

 

Yes I understand now. Communication can be hard when only one side wants to have it and the other is not interested. NC is a very common thing and I think it could work... But if people are willing to go cold turkey on eachother by choice then it may not ever be the true love we all romanticize about. Lifes so short and who knows what will happen, the whole thing is mind boggling really and i see how space or letting go can fix things. You sound like a good person and i know women can be different with emotions and feelings. If you havent met for 9 months thats a very long time, almost as long as the period you two knew eachother? Anyways I hope things work out for the best and that you two live happily ever after. Still other than your ex-boyfriend being better at maintaining your attraction and interest i dont know how else he can change things but i dont know everything, im just giving my not so great opinion and trying to help. If he went to therapy and communication classes that seems like a huge growth and alot of effort on his part. Since youre the one who went through hard times and probably caused things to change this may be difficult to accept. Did you make any effort to fix things on your part or recognize what was going on for him and the goals you want from the relationship in the long term? I think we all have expectations. From the information I have he may not even see it the way you explained. So again im just seeing more contradtictions, both want things to work, communication is a main issue but the overall plan was to practice absolutely zero?

 

Ive been on/off with my ex for almost 5 years now and we definetly always have sparks. Everytime we break up, from the dozens of times she goes no contact and i spend a huge effort trying to make things right even though it was a one-sided relationship with me doing all the connecting, makeups, and effort for attraction/future. This resulted in the some disrespect and loss of attraction on my behalf. Everytime its the last time im going to see her and i always feel uncared for and like i was used never loved. We are never are able to talk about issues either before/after nomatter how hard i try, want or simple the solutions are for me. Now im not perfect or a good guy like your exboyfriend is but we are all different.

 

Youre situation sounds very familiar. I think you should drive out to him and I would bet it would make him feel a ton of joy. Because effort and relationships need to be a two way street and if you just plan on leaving its going to make him sad when you could easily have him be happy. So decide if you really want a family with this guy or are willing to commit to making a person other than yourself happy. Im only 24 but the most common and wise thing ive heard from other people is be happy with yourself, choose no contact in breakups etc. unfornately these people are never good role models on the subject and seem to lack commmon sense. I hope my

message was perceived as helpful insight not argumentative or blunt offense.

 

May we all live happily ever after

[Thebighere]

Yes I understand now. Communication can be hard when only one side wants to have it and the other is not interested. NC is a very common thing and I think it could work... But if people are willing to go cold turkey on eachother by choice then it may not ever be the true love we all romanticize about. Lifes so short and who knows what will happen, the whole thing is mind boggling really and i see how space or letting go can fix things. You sound like a good person and i know women can be different with emotions and feelings. If you havent met for 9 months thats a very long time, almost as long as the period you two knew eachother? Anyways I hope things work out for the best and that you two live happily ever after. Still other than your ex-boyfriend being better at maintaining your attraction and interest i dont know how else he can change things but i dont know everything, im just giving my not so great opinion and trying to help. If he went to therapy and communication classes that seems like a huge growth and alot of effort on his part. Since youre the one who went through hard times and probably caused things to change this may be difficult to accept. Did you make any effort to fix things on your part or recognize what was going on for him and the goals you want from the relationship in the long term? I think we all have expectations. From the information I have he may not even see it the way you explained. So again im just seeing more contradtictions, both want things to work, communication is a main issue but the overall plan was to practice absolutely zero?

 

Ive been on/off with my ex for almost 5 years now and we definetly always have sparks. Everytime we break up, from the dozens of times she goes no contact and i spend a huge effort trying to make things right even though it was a one-sided relationship with me doing all the connecting, makeups, and effort for attraction/future. This resulted in the some disrespect and loss of attraction on my behalf. Everytime its the last time im going to see her and i always feel uncared for and like i was used never loved. We are never are able to talk about issues either before/after nomatter how hard i try, want or simple the solutions are for me. Now im not perfect or a good guy like your exboyfriend is but we are all different.

 

Youre situation sounds very familiar. I think you should drive out to him and I would bet it would make him feel a ton of joy. Because effort and relationships need to be a two way street and if you just plan on leaving its going to make him sad when you could easily have him be happy. So decide if you really want a family with this guy or are willing to commit to making a person other than yourself happy. Im only 24 but the most common and wise thing ive heard from other people is be happy with yourself, choose no contact in breakups etc. unfornately these people are never good role models on the subject and seem to lack commmon sense. I hope my

message was perceived as helpful insight not argumentative or blunt offense.

 

May we all live happily ever after

 

Thank you for your response.

 

I have obviously not gone into detail of every aspect of my relationship but i was hurt too. My argumentative nature at the time was because i was so frustrated that he was not being the pillar of strength i needed. That is not how i would communicate my needs not being met now but it was a problem.

 

My boyfriend has things to work on as did i. I have worked on my side. I guess i will find out if he has worked on his.

 

My boyfriend was not perfect. He is a very good man but not a "saint" or "perfect" as you have described. Hehehe.

 

My account of what went wrong may be different than his. I think my rundown of the breakup was me owning up to my contribution of the damage. In reality, it is probably pretty equal between us. If you'd asked me a month after the break up i would have said i did nothing wrong, he gave up and left me when life got hard.

 

With regards to no contact (i've highlighted your comments in bold), i have to say i disagree with you. I don't think its bad advice. No contact isn't to punish the other person. No contact is to allow yourself time to heal and grow. I told my ex i thought we needed no contact and why. We were always friendly when we spoke.

There have been some excellent posts written on No Contact. I will link them to you to provide you with a greater understanding of why it usually a very positive action when used properly. It sounds like you might misunderstand the point of it.

 

Thank you, i guess our conversation today will shed further light on how he feels.

 

I am still travelling. This is not going to change. Yes, i had my faults in the last few weeks of our relationship but i really needed the support. I need to show him i have grown from our breakup but i need to see he's growth too. Him leaving me damaged my trust in him. Realistically, life and relationships will go through rough patches and hard times. I need to know we will be resilient.

 

Going for my morning jog now. Thank you for the input

[Thebighere]

hi Im really happy for you; do you mind sharing how long after the breakup did you hear from him and were you no contact the whole time?

 

you seem excited which is awesome. i hope things work out for you whether that be with your ex or not. best of luck

 

Hello there!

 

Thank you.

 

In our 8 month breakup and 9 months since we'd seen each other. He broke no contact quite a few times in the first 2 months but i requested for no contact as i was struggling badly with the pain. When he did break it i would respond when i felt up to it but i was friendly. I actually remember telling him once that he is strong and will get through this hard time. I sent him some guided meditations and told him he would feel awesome again soon (his anxiety had become bad). This was early after the break up. I want to help him but knew we needed to lean on our respective friends and families.

 

I'd say the longest stint of No contact was about 3 months. I broke it once to give him some photo's once i felt a bit more healed. After sending i went straight back to NC for months again.

 

Our contact started properly when he messaged me to tell me he had some items of mine (this was after another 2 months of no contact). I asked him if he could post them. He then went silent for weeks and then called me a few days ago.

 

I stuck to no contact pretty good. I would respond if he messaged me and i was friendly.

 

Sorry i don't have exact timeframes. I did stop counting after a while and lost track

[Florida561]

Thank you for your response.

 

I have obviously not gone into detail of every aspect of my relationship but i was hurt too. My argumentative nature at the time was because i was so frustrated that he was not being the pillar of strength i needed. That is not how i would communicate my needs not being met now but it was a problem.

 

My boyfriend has things to work on as did i. I have worked on my side. I guess i will find out if he has worked on his.

 

My boyfriend was not perfect. He is a very good man but not a "saint" or "perfect" as you have described. Hehehe.

 

My account of what went wrong may be different than his. I think my rundown of the breakup was me owning up to my contribution of the damage. In reality, it is probably pretty equal between us. If you'd asked me a month after the break up i would have said i did nothing wrong, he gave up and left me when life got hard.

 

With regards to no contact (i've highlighted your comments in bold), i have to say i disagree with you. I don't think its bad advice. No contact isn't to punish the other person. No contact is to allow yourself time to heal and grow. I told my ex i thought we needed no contact and why. We were always friendly when we spoke.

There have been some excellent posts written on No Contact. I will link them to you to provide you with a greater understanding of why it usually a very positive action when used properly. It sounds like you might misunderstand the point of it.

 

Thank you, i guess our conversation today will shed further light on how he feels.

 

I am still travelling. This is not going to change. Yes, i had my faults in the last few weeks of our relationship but i really needed the support. I need to show him i have grown from our breakup but i need to see he's growth too. Him leaving me damaged my trust in him. Realistically, life and relationships will go through rough patches and hard times. I need to know we will be resilient.

 

Going for my morning jog now. Thank you for the input

 

Lol ^^ everyone is different.

I can tell youre a great person and very kind. Ive actually known two caretakers for my grandparents and have a hard time handling death. I know my ex just tells me its over but you seem to have done a good job setting up the situation, i expect ur ex is like me trying to get in touch after the big fight. If i were him i would be very hopeful for reconciliation but it will be very difficult to maintain if long distance. Also I have read many help guides on no contact. I know its a useful tool, and im sorry your boyfriend left you, i know that feeling sucks and I hope he regrets it. Regardless no contact is better when used by yourself after being dumped probably moreso than anything. I dont think its a great way to fix a relationshop, maybe an individual though. All in all its pretty clear to me, no contact is preferred by the "players" who have no problem leaving, cheating and turning off the love switch, or having multiple relationships. Since people who got dumped probably didnt want to lose the other person NC is just a trick to make the other miss them. Again im probably wrong and we are all different but just think about it, you definetly seem to fit the "good girl" character more than ever. Any family oriented therapist or counselor etc is not going to recommend no contact as a healthy way to fix a relationship, and if they start to do that then i think our generation and potential kids are doomed. But my take is that the family

Values are breaking down in many ways regardless, or maybe its just from what ive seen, not that you and your ex are working on one. Again i wish you the best and please, no need to go back and forth. I enjoy reading your thread and my goal was to help let me know if you have any questions.

[Thebighere]

Lol ^^ everyone is different.

I can tell youre a great person and very kind. Ive actually known two caretakers for my grandparents and have a hard time handling death. I know my ex just tells me its over but you seem to have done a good job setting up the situation, i expect ur ex is like me trying to get in touch after the big fight. If i were him i would be very hopeful for reconciliation but it will be very difficult to maintain if long distance. Also I have read many help guides on no contact. I know its a useful tool, and im sorry your boyfriend left you, i know that feeling sucks and I hope he regrets it. Regardless no contact is better when used by yourself after being dumped probably moreso than anything. I dont think its a great way to fix a relationshop, maybe an individual though. All in all its pretty clear to me, no contact is preferred by the "players" who have no problem leaving, cheating and turning off the love switch, or having multiple relationships. Since people who got dumped probably didnt want to lose the other person NC is just a trick to make the other miss them. Again im probably wrong and we are all different but just think about it, you definetly seem to fit the "good girl" character more than ever. Any family oriented therapist or counselor etc is not going to recommend no contact as a healthy way to fix a relationship, and if they start to do that then i think our generation and potential kids are doomed. But my take is that the family

Values are breaking down in many ways regardless, or maybe its just from what ive seen, not that you and your ex are working on one. Again i wish you the best and please, no need to go back and forth. I enjoy reading your thread and my goal was to help let me know if you have any questions.

 

Thank you, I wish you the best too

[racingfree]

Hello there!

 

Thank you.

 

In our 8 month breakup and 9 months since we'd seen each other. He broke no contact quite a few times in the first 2 months but i requested for no contact as i was struggling badly with the pain. When he did break it i would respond when i felt up to it but i was friendly. I actually remember telling him once that he is strong and will get through this hard time. I sent him some guided meditations and told him he would feel awesome again soon (his anxiety had become bad). This was early after the break up. I want to help him but knew we needed to lean on our respective friends and families.

 

I'd say the longest stint of No contact was about 3 months. I broke it once to give him some photo's once i felt a bit more healed. After sending i went straight back to NC for months again.

 

Our contact started properly when he messaged me to tell me he had some items of mine (this was after another 2 months of no contact). I asked him if he could post them. He then went silent for weeks and then called me a few days ago.

 

I stuck to no contact pretty good. I would respond if he messaged me and i was friendly.

 

Sorry i don't have exact timeframes. I did stop counting after a while and lost track

 

thank you for responding. it seems like NC did good for you and you and him as a couple. I def see how it probably worked in your favor/will be motivation for me to stick to it even if my intentions are not great (wanting to get back with my ex).

my ex and I broke up amicably bc i was taking a job on my side of the country that was a training program 3 years in length. We dated for a year but had "something" for years. We loved each other though. I am more the dumper bc i brought it up. I regretted it as soon as we went NC bc it was hard to breakup over distance alone but he said we needed time and couldn't get back together right away. He has a successful job on the east coast and couldn't move to be with him. After we broke up I didnt pursue the job (for reasons I didnt know till after) and I wound up in the same state as him. This state was my backup plan if I didnt get the job. Not because of him but because its a great place to work in my filed and my best friend works there as well as many of my college friends (he just happens to be one). Before all that mess (when I was still taking the orignal job that broke us up) my ex used to say "lets break up now so that we can have a clean break for the future. It just didnt work out in my favor. Kinda figured no guy wants to be with a girl who can't figure out her life. I tried for reconciliation before I moved here to no avail. I am happy that other people like you get second chances. I feel like your story shows how that might be possible (even if its in the very early stages) bc people do grow for the better and distance really is a dividing factor. Sorry for the rant and bringing my story into it too. i just feel i can somewhat relate and Im happy to hear some good news for a change. good luck again. i think if you two could meet in person that'd be great. I feel like that contact could bring up like any raw feelings and can let your gut know what is right. hoping it works out! keep us updated

[Thebighere]

Hello All,

 

Thank you for the responses.

 

The call went really well and there are still a lot of feelings there but i still feel like our future plans are not in line right now.

 

I think it will hurt too much to see each-other. We both cried. I think that is all i have for you guys right now. I will update if anything changes.

[Thebighere]

Okay, we plan to meet. Not this weekend but the next week. We don't want to do too much too soon

 

We are both willing to discuss the hurt and ways we can improve further. PROGRESSSSSSS. One call cannot fix everything.

 

EXTREMELY HAPPY WITH THE RESULTS !!!!!!!

[AvaD21]

I'm really happy for you, if this is what you want. It's good you're not rushing into anything or building your hopes up. Sometimes I think to get back with an ex you just wipe the slate clean, start fresh don't talk about your previous relationship because it's done, it broke. But if you feel there's underlying issues you need to have straightened out then I really hope you can make it work

[Thebighere]

I'm really happy for you, if this is what you want. It's good you're not rushing into anything or building your hopes up. Sometimes I think to get back with an ex you just wipe the slate clean, start fresh don't talk about your previous relationship because it's done, it broke. But if you feel there's underlying issues you need to have straightened out then I really hope you can make it work

 

We don't plan to dwell. We just want to touch on it.

 

To be honest, i am shocked by how free i feel. I think you are right, it needs to feel like a clean slate. One of the reasons i felt confused and weird when he first called is because my last memories of him came flooding back. This felt like pressure and reminded me of the pain i once felt but the key is this needs to feel fresh.

 

He seems different to me. The more things feel different/fresh the happier i feel. I can't put the same demands on him like i did before because he is not my BF. The unknown is actually the nice part, like the beginning when we were first dating. I don't feel like checking my phone all the time or feeling like i need an answer now. I just want it to happen organically.

 

I like all these maybes. It makes me feel like i have room to grow. Its different than before. My biggest worry was that i would feel pressure to be in a full on relationship and my travel plans would change but you wouldn't do that if you just met someone. We are meeting each other again. I can travel. We can see how things go

 

He's mentioned maybe meeting me travelling which would be nice.

All good vibes!

[Miastar]

Omg I must know more! I read this thread so quickly and am so happy at how the story progressed, and how happy and healed you were.

 

Are you able to please tell me what happened next?