Breaking up from a friendship

[SunshineHeart]

My best friend to be precise. we have both had a thing for each other and it was pretty obvious. he admitted to loving me for a year. he treated me so well to begin with and i never knew that anyone could care that much but it really turns out he only did that because he wanted to be with me, not because he cared about any problems i had. now he treats me terribly whenever i show any interest and he is quite manipulative in the sense that things will only be good in our friendship when he is happy or i havent done anything wrong - he reacts irrationally to everything i do and i end up having to apologise for days to get him to even talk to me.

 

in all honesty, i'm fed up. but i cant forget the way he used to treat me before, and the things he said about loving me and all the good memories throughout our 2 years of close friendship. but he really is playing games with me because he knows that it makes me come back. i want to get over him, and the friendship because i know and believe that i deserve better than this

 

one thing that makes it harder to get over it is that i feel like ive made him a bad person. maybe he is a good person to everyone else, but i made him bad. he's told me this and it's made me insecure. i don't believe that that is the case but it makes me upset to think so.

 

has anyone ever been in this situation and if so, how do you move on from it?

[SkellyWoozle]

he is quite manipulative in the sense that things will only be good in our friendship when he is happy or i havent done anything wrong - he reacts irrationally to everything i do and i end up having to apologise for days to get him to even talk to me.

 

 

That's the key, isn't it? He got you where he wanted you and knew that he had/has some kind of hold over you. He's controlling you and playing games. You need to take a step back, block this person from your life and go NC. This is not a healthy situation to be in and he's not your friend. Maybe you were just a challenge who needed to be conquered?

[SunshineHeart]

he is quite manipulative in the sense that things will only be good in our friendship when he is happy or i havent done anything wrong - he reacts irrationally to everything i do and i end up having to apologise for days to get him to even talk to me.

 

 

That's the key, isn't it? He got you where he wanted you and knew that he had/has some kind of hold over you. He's controlling you and playing games. You need to take a step back, block this person from your life and go NC. This is not a healthy situation to be in and he's not your friend. Maybe you were just a challenge who needed to be conquered?

 

i agree it is not healthy at all. however much i hate to hear it, that may have been the case. i think it would be easy to get over him but i do work with him and so have to be in the same place daily for at least the next year if not more. im quite scared and frustrated by how much he has a hold on me.

and i dont want to be arrogant but everyone i know tells me i can do better. he is very careless and does not have much ambition in life. the only things i see going for him is his easiness to talk to and how good he is with kids which im sure other people have too......

[SkellyWoozle]

he is quite manipulative in the sense that things will only be good in our friendship when he is happy or i havent done anything wrong - he reacts irrationally to everything i do and i end up having to apologise for days to get him to even talk to me.

 

 

 

i do work with him and so have to be in the same place daily for at least the next year if not more. ..

 

But do you HAVE to be in the same place as him... really? And there is nothing wrong in realising you were wrong and other people being right. Sometimes we need to be told that actually, we were wrong. I was told just that yesterday by a very good friend and it hurt like hell, but she was right. What he does with his life is up to him and is no concern of yours. You have to think about YOU and step away from him - he's no good for you. Be strong, be well and break away from this abusive relationship X

[catfeeder]

There's zero need for a 'breakup' in this situation, just stop responding to him. Whenever someone treats you lousy, skip internalizing that because treating anyone lousy is manipulative and entirely unnecessary.

 

My life changed, and so did my level of confidence, when I made the mature and reasonable decision to only allow people who value me and lift me UP into my life. I'm not out to teach anyone else a 'lesson,' and I'm certainly not willing to jump through hoops to 'win' the love or approval of anyone.

 

So the guy has proven that he's not good friendship material. I'd just walk away and let him figure out that you've developed a backbone and self respect and won't be engaging with him anymore.

 

What he thinks about that is irrelevant.

 

Head high.

[SunshineHeart]

There's zero need for a 'breakup' in this situation, just stop responding to him. Whenever someone treats you lousy, skip internalizing that because treating anyone lousy is manipulative and entirely unnecessary.

 

My life changed, and so did my level of confidence, when I made the mature and reasonable decision to only allow people who value me and lift me UP into my life. I'm not out to teach anyone else a 'lesson,' and I'm certainly not willing to jump through hoops to 'win' the love or approval of anyone.

 

So the guy has proven that he's not good friendship material. I'd just walk away and let him figure out that you've developed a backbone and self respect and won't be engaging with him anymore.

 

What he thinks about that is irrelevant.

 

Head high.

 

what about in this situation where he actually used to treat me well and make me better but now he doesn't? i suppose he only did that because he wanted more than a friendship with me and when i rejected the advances, he is treating me badly.

 

i know my self confidence is at an ok level. but i feel annoyed at myself that i feel sometimes that i dont deserve better than this. i feel like it is my fault he is treating me like this and my fault that he changed from a nice guy to me to a horrible bad influence who is manipulative

 

i find it hard to let go of things that are not healthy for me because of the attachment of it

[catfeeder]

what about in this situation where he actually used to treat me well and make me better but now he doesn't? i suppose he only did that because he wanted more than a friendship with me and when i rejected the advances, he is treating me badly.

 

You've done a great job here of explaining this. Think about how someone women get themselves deeply involved with men who turn physically abusive. They are lured by terrific treatment--at first.

 

Whenever someone turns mean, they're showing you what they're really made of. That's when it's time to walk away.

 

i know my self confidence is at an ok level.

 

If that were true, you wouldn't have written the rest of this:

 

but i feel annoyed at myself that i feel sometimes that i dont deserve better than this. i feel like it is my fault he is treating me like this and my fault that he changed from a nice guy to me to a horrible bad influence who is manipulative

 

i find it hard to let go of things that are not healthy for me because of the attachment of it

 

The thing about self esteem is that it's as accurate a term as it gets. It's not parent esteem or teacher esteem or boyfriend esteem--it's Self esteem. It's an internal regard for the Self that it Self generated. How we allow others to treat us is a reflection of that.

 

Nobody else can talk you out of the stuff you decide to inflict on your own head. If you really believe that you own the responsibility for singlehandedly changing a perfectly nice guy into a horrible, bad, manipulative guy, what can anyone possibly say to disabuse you of that idea?

 

What would YOU say to someone who says this?

[SunshineHeart]

You are right. It's not my fault at all if someone changes their personality in the way that he did. I won't let myself or my feelings be dictated by someone who treats me this poorly.

 

It's a shame that nowadays people think that being confident is arrogant. Believing that you deserve a good person who treats you well can sometimes be seen as arrogant. But I really do believe it this time. I deserve better than to be treated by an adolescent-acting man who changes his mind when he wants about me and finds me always waiting

[catfeeder]

You are right. It's not my fault at all if someone changes their personality in the way that he did. I won't let myself or my feelings be dictated by someone who treats me this poorly.

 

It's a shame that nowadays people think that being confident is arrogant. Believing that you deserve a good person who treats you well can sometimes be seen as arrogant. But I really do believe it this time. I deserve better than to be treated by an adolescent-acting man who changes his mind when he wants about me and finds me always waiting

 

Confidence is viewed as 'arrogant,' by who, exactly? Someone who wants to take you down? Why would you bother to even consider such a hostile misinterpretation?

 

There are plenty of loving and generous people in the world. Stick with them. Anyone who doesn't respect us will make that clear at some point. It's never on us to try to turn that around, it's only our job to walk away from it and rejoin those who've proven themselves as trust-worthy.

 

Keep your trust meter set to a neutral 5 when you meet new people. Allow people to show you what they're made of over t.i.m.e. to earn more trust. Let toxic people keep their poison to themselves as you walk away. If someone were to spray black paint all over the place, would you stick around to get your clothes and skin ruined as you question their motives and stagnate in sadness, or would you quickly move yourself out of harm's way and be thankful to your healthy reflexes and self regard?

 

This is the same thing. Don't set yourself up for negative feedback by choosing friends or lovers who don't demonstrate that they wish the best for you. Anyone who comes out sideways with cruel motives is NOT your friend and should be avoided as quickly and as cleanly as you'd avoid the black paint sprayer.

 

Make a commitment to yourself that you will only allow people into your life who lift you UP. Anyone who tries to bring your down isn't worth your time or analysis.

 

Head high.

[SunshineHeart]

Thank you so much I've been trying to take your advice on board and have been successfully but then he'd come back and show excessive interest so that when I respond he leaves again.

In short he told me he's going to give me the silent treatment for a while but come back later. This is because, in his words, he wants to teach me to not care as much and to not message him a lot (despite him being allowed to excessively message and call me when he pleases)

I needed to hear this. I find it quite scary that he said that. It's hurting me a lot right now but I'm trying my best to detach although with little avail

I'll keep trying.

[catfeeder]

Thank you so much I've been trying to take your advice on board and have been successfully but then he'd come back and show excessive interest so that when I respond he leaves again.

In short he told me he's going to give me the silent treatment for a while but come back later. This is because, in his words, he wants to teach me to not care as much and to not message him a lot (despite him being allowed to excessively message and call me when he pleases)

I needed to hear this. I find it quite scary that he said that. It's hurting me a lot right now but I'm trying my best to detach although with little avail

I'll keep trying.

 

Oh, geez. What a waste of time allowing this guy to play with your head. Just stop responding to the guy, and walk way.

 

Consider the equation: every time you press button A, B happens, and you hate B. So stop pressing button A.

 

Every time you respond to the guy, he hurts your feelings. So stop responding to the guy.

 

Then you win, and you get to move on.

 

So why not just skip the drill and move on in the first place?

 

Advice from grandma: "The problem is not that snakes will cross your path, they will. The problem comes when you're bored or lonely or naive enough to pick up the snake to play with it.

 

Head high. And stop playing with the snake.