OceanDrifting Posted October 15, 2016 Share Posted October 15, 2016 So after a 7 month relationship of ups and downs we have mutually decided to break up for good. I am left quite upset, deep down neither of us wanted to break up but both agreed it was for the best due to compatibility issues and not being on the same page feelings wise... She told me that she had fallen in love with me and all I could do was tell her the truth which was that I really care for her but didn't feel the same way at this point. This shocked and crushed her, and said she cannot wait for me to fall for her. I am upset as although I havent reached the levels she has with me I still wanted to be with her and I am worried she was the person I was meant to be with. Is there a reason I havent fallen for her yet or is it a sign that it will never happen? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wiseman2 Posted October 15, 2016 Share Posted October 15, 2016 It sounds like you made the right decision for the right reasons, the main one being you just weren't feeling it. You were honest rather than stringing her along, hoping things would improve. After 7 mos of dating, you would not have this much doubt if anything were "meant to be". How did you leave things? No contact? She told me that she had fallen in love with me and all I could do was tell her the truth which was that I really care for her but didn't feel the same way at this point. I havent reached the levels she has with me.Is there a reason I havent fallen for her yet or is it a sign that it will never happen? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OceanDrifting Posted October 15, 2016 Author Share Posted October 15, 2016 By chance she is on holiday for a week with her family and said when shes back I can collect an item from her (t shirt), not sure why she cant send it to me?. We havent txt since it ended yesterday. I just worry I went into this too cautiously because of being hurt before in previous relationships and that has held me back from falling for her the way she did for me. We could of quite easily made up yesterday as neither of us truly wanted to break up. Its very easy to forget the things that caused the breakup when all I do is miss her and wonder if we needed more time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wiseman2 Posted October 15, 2016 Share Posted October 15, 2016 Just go get it, if you want it. Why should she go through the hassle of sending a tshirt? Does it matter Why you weren't feeling it but rather That you weren't feeling it? The net result is the same. It sounds like you are having some remorse and perhaps this break will help you reflect on this and things in general. Maybe she was moving too fast?By chance she is on holiday for a week with her family and said when shes back I can collect an item from her (t shirt), not sure why she cant send it to me?. ] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OceanDrifting Posted October 15, 2016 Author Share Posted October 15, 2016 I do feel like she was moving too fast and I wanted to take it slower but 7 months in and shes in love and I am not I mention the t shirt as surely sending it would be better for no contact purposes so I didnt understand why she want me to have to see her to collect it. I refuse to believe for second that everyone falls in love at the same time and that it takes 7 months or less. Surely there are people who take longer? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OceanDrifting Posted October 18, 2016 Author Share Posted October 18, 2016 So I woke up feeling stronger about our decision to mutually break up as we don't feel we are compatible enough. Its tough as she felt the spark but I didn't, she fell for me and I again did not. As upset as I feel and as much as I dont want to lose her, I know deep down its for the best as I want her to be happy which I know can not happen if we stay together. Anybody else break up due to compatibility issues? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
reinventmyself Posted October 18, 2016 Share Posted October 18, 2016 So I woke up feeling stronger about our decision to mutually break up as we don't feel we are compatible enough. Its tough as she felt the spark but I didn't, she fell for me and I again did not. As upset as I feel and as much as I dont want to lose her, I know deep down its for the best as I want her to be happy which I know can not happen if we stay together. Anybody else break up due to compatibility issues? Yes . . and it's normal to feel the way you do. Often times we think if it's the right thing to do then it shouldn't feel bad. It's a loss either way. You were likely hopeful and there is obviously a lot of things you liked about her but there just wasn't enough to make it ` forever after'. That and you have a conscious. If you didn't feel bad then you might be more concerned about that. I've ended it with a couple men where I cried like a baby when I told them I had to go. But it was the right thing to do. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OceanDrifting Posted October 18, 2016 Author Share Posted October 18, 2016 I know we are doing the right thing for both of us. I really care for her but not enough to give her the future she deserves. I hate how I feel more emotional now its over and I miss her, why couldn't I feel this strongly when I was with her? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
reinventmyself Posted October 18, 2016 Share Posted October 18, 2016 I know we are doing the right thing for both of us. I really care for her but not enough to give her the future she deserves. I hate how I feel more emotional now its over and I miss her, why couldn't I feel this strongly when I was with her? What do you miss more? Her or the companionship and the idea of a relationship? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OceanDrifting Posted October 18, 2016 Author Share Posted October 18, 2016 I miss certain things about her and our relationship and the fact she is unhappy right now because I didnt feel the same as her. its hard to know I basically broke her heart by telling her the truth that I didnt feel the same as her. I know deep down getting back together wouldnt change our incompatibilities and I wouldnt magically fall in love with her. She deserves certainty and a happy future, I cannot give her that and I need to remind myself of this anytime I feel weak. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lisii Posted October 19, 2016 Share Posted October 19, 2016 Hi OD, Sorry I have a question..., Why did you stay in the relationship so long if you weren't in love with her? did you not realise after 3 months? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OceanDrifting Posted October 19, 2016 Author Share Posted October 19, 2016 I went into the relationship wanting to take it really slow, I had my guard up to protect myself. In my mind you fall in love when it happens whether its after 1 month or 7. We both really cared for each other and wanted to see how it developed, we had some differences in values/attitudes towards lifestyle which I hoped over time would change as at the beginning she said she wanted the same lifestyle as me. Unfortunately 7 months later and alot of trying to adjust its obvious it wouldn't work and we were making each other unhappy. It was 7 months because I didn't want to give up on us. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lisii Posted October 19, 2016 Share Posted October 19, 2016 fair enough.. - It wasn't a trick question I'm sorry it didn't work out for you. (I only ask as I was in kinda the same situation - but not, I had my guard up/retaining wall around my heart. My ex told me he was in love with me after 2 months and that kind of lead me on to think he actually did love me... then I let my guard down and boom now 7 months later we have broken up because he wasn't ready). now I'm rebuilding my retaining wall... this time with extra strong cement. Thanks L. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OceanDrifting Posted October 19, 2016 Author Share Posted October 19, 2016 Lisii Thats one of the reasons we were together for 7 months, I wanted to give myself the time to make sure I was right for her/her for me. I had my super strong guard up too to protect myself thanks to previous heartbreak where as she flung herself head first into us. There were times I thought we could work but then something would happen which held me back from giving myself fully to her as she did for me. I feel upset because I just want to be with her but I know deep down we are not right and her happiness is really important to me whether even if she cant see that right now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OceanDrifting Posted October 19, 2016 Author Share Posted October 19, 2016 Feeling weak today, really miss her, want to make her happy but no I cant. Any tips on fighting the urge to want to get back together?? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lisii Posted October 19, 2016 Share Posted October 19, 2016 Keep yourself busy.. try exercise or hobbies to keep your mind of her...baby steps. You are both healing, keep to no contact it will get easier. ENA is a great place.. write here or try a journal. post here - we are a caring bunch, all going/been through something similar. ☺ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OceanDrifting Posted October 19, 2016 Author Share Posted October 19, 2016 Thank you Lisii, yes this forum is very helpful. I feel me weakening to the fact I know shes upset and I was the cause and I just want to make things better for her as I care about her alot. I know deep down what I want and whats right for us are two very different things and I know it will get easier and I will be glad it happened as she and I both deserve happiness but unfortunately we couldn't have that with each other. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lisii Posted October 19, 2016 Share Posted October 19, 2016 Try not to contact her - let her heal for now. You say you feel the cause, do you feel you lead her on? maybe go it alone for a while and try and think about what you need/want in love. Something gives me the feeling you are battling through issues yourself, try and work through those before dating again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OceanDrifting Posted October 19, 2016 Author Share Posted October 19, 2016 No I dont think I lead her on. We both said we wanted to see how it develops its just she seemed to fall for me and didn't for her. Had I lied and told her I felt the same and stayed with her then I would of been leading her on. I think my issue is I want someone similiar to myself and it turned out she wasnt quite that and she shouldnt have to change for anyone. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lisii Posted October 19, 2016 Share Posted October 19, 2016 Ok, let yourselves heal - today is a new day. You need not feel guilty if you were honest from the start. In a couple of weeks you will both feel better - maybe a bit longer for her, you need to let her go... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OceanDrifting Posted October 19, 2016 Author Share Posted October 19, 2016 Yeah its just getting through that first tough week or two where you have doubts you made the right decision. I know its for the best (personally as much as I want to be happy I care more about hers) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OceanDrifting Posted October 20, 2016 Author Share Posted October 20, 2016 I am so confused today. I know breaking up is for the best for both of us but if you asked me these questions these would be my answers: Are we right for each other? Sometimes but mostly no. Do you want to break up? No Do you want to continue see if things get better? Yes Do you feel the same way as her? No I dont love her but she loves me Do you feel the spark with her? Not really but maybe I have been too reserved to protect myself and not allowed myself to feel things. I am guessing most people post break up feel like this? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wiseman2 Posted October 20, 2016 Share Posted October 20, 2016 Most breakups are not fun nor blank and white. They are often a sad realization that things aren't working. Often that appears on a gut level first while still trying to see if it could work. Do you feel the same way as her? No I dont love her but she loves me Do you feel the spark with her? Not really but maybe I have been too reserved. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
reinventmyself Posted October 20, 2016 Share Posted October 20, 2016 I am so confused today. I know breaking up is for the best for both of us but if you asked me these questions these would be my answers: Are we right for each other? Sometimes but mostly no. Do you want to break up? No Do you want to continue see if things get better? Yes Do you feel the same way as her? No I dont love her but she loves me Do you feel the spark with her? Not really but maybe I have been too reserved to protect myself and not allowed myself to feel things. I am guessing most people post break up feel like this? YES. . pretty text book actually. Stay on course. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
reinventmyself Posted October 20, 2016 Share Posted October 20, 2016 Came back to add, there have been couple times that I was just as miserable being the dumper as I was the dumpee. Just be patient with yourself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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